|Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English)||by Linux fortune|
|Linux Ported to Homer Simpson's Brain|
SPRINGFIELD -- Slashdot recently reported on Homer Simpson's brain "upgrade"
to an Intel CPU. Intel hails the CPU transplant as the "World's Greatest
Technological Achievement". Intel originally planned to install Microsoft
Windows CE (Cerebrum Enhanced) on Homer's new PentiumBrain II processor.
However, due to delays in releasing Windows CE, Intel decided to install
DebianBrain Linux, the new Linux port for brains.
Computer industry pundits applaud the last minute switch from Windows to
Linux. One said, "I was a bit concerned for Homer. With Windows CE, I could
easily imagine Homer slipping into an infinite loop: "General Protection
Fault. D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh..." Or, at the worst, the Blue Screen of
Death could have become much more than a joke."
Some pundits are more concerned about the quality of the Intel CPU. "Linux
is certainly an improvement over Windows. But since it's running on a
PentiumBrain chip, all bets are off. What if the chip miscalculates the core
temperature of the power plant where Homer works? I can just imagine the
story on the evening news: 'Springfield was obliterated into countless
subatomic particles yesterday because Homer J. Simpson, power plant
button-pusher, accidentally set the core temperature to 149.992322340948290
instead of 150...' If anything, an Alpha chip running Linux should have been
used for Homer's new brain."
|Red Hat Linux 10.0|
RALEIGH-DURHAM, NC -- HypeNewsWire -- Red Hat, the producer of the most
popular Linux distribution with over 25 million estimated users, is proud to
announce the availability of Red Hat Linux 10.0. The latest version
contains the new Linux 6.2 kernel, the Z Window System 2.0, full support for
legacy Windows 3.x/9x/200x/NT software apps, and more. Copies of Red Hat
Linux 10.0 will be available in stores on CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, or GNUDE (GNU
Digital Encoding) disks within the next week.
Compaq, Dell, Gateway, and several other large computer manufacturers have
announced that they will offer computer systems with Red Hat 10.0
pre-installed. "We can sell systems with Red Hat pre-installed for
considerably less than systems with Microsoft ActiveWindows 2001. Overall,
Red Hat Linux's superior quality, low price, and modest system requirements
puts Windows to shame," one Dell spokesperson said at last week's LinDex
|Microsoft ActivePromo Campaign: "State Innovation Day"|
Microsoft has successfully lobbied for the State of Washington to declare
August 24th as State Innovation Day. Efforts are underway to lobby the US
Congress to decree a similar designation nationally. Several events are
scheduled on August 24, 1999 to showcase "innovation" in the computer
industry (in other words, Microsoft), including:
* An "Innovation Day Parade" held in downtown Seattle, featuring
floats and helium-filled balloons representing various Microsoft products
(Dancing Paper Clip, Microsoft Bob, Flying Windows Logo, etc.)
* An "Innovation is Cool" essay contest for high school and
college students. Possible topics include "Why IE Should Be Integrated in
Windows", "Why Bill Gates Is My Hero", "Government Intervention is Evil",
and "Why Monopolies Improve Product Quality and Lower Prices".
* A 24-hour "Innovation in Education" telethon on NBC to raise money for
school districts nationwide to buy new Wintel computer systems and Internet
access through the Microsoft Network.
|Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#15)|
Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill
out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade.
Question 15: In your opinion, what companies should Microsoft seek to
acquire in the coming year?
A. Disney. I'd like to see a cute animated movie starring Clippit the
B. CBS. I'd like to see a new line-up featuring must-watch shows like
"Touched by a Microserf", "Redmond Hope", "Everybody Loves Bill", "The
Late Show With Steve Ballmer", and "60 Minutes... of Microsoft
C. Google. Microsoft could drastically improve the quality and performance
of this search engine by migrating it from Linux to Windows NT
D. Lowes Hardware Stores. Every copy of Windows 2000 could come bundled
with a coupon for a free kitchen sink or a free window!
|Top Ten Differences If Thomas Jefferson Behaved Like Eric Raymond During|
the American Revolution
2. The preamble to the Constitution would say, "We the pragmatists of the
Open States of America, in order to foster the production of higher
quality tea and tobacco..."
5. The phrases "the right to bear arms shall not be infringed" and "Geeks
With Guns" would be plastered throughout the O.S.A. Constitution.
9. Instead of Congress, the "Open States Institute" board of directors
would make all of the national legislative decisions.
10. Raymond, New Hampshire would be the home of the O.S.A. capitol.
| Another Satisfied|
+----------+ As the inventor of the Internet, I know a
| | quality server operating system when I see
| SMILING | one. Microsoft Windows 2000(tm) provides
| | innovative features that no other competitor
| GORE | can claim.
| PHOTO | We've been using Windows at the White House
| | for five years now without any problems.
| | Windows' BlueScreen(tm) technology
+----------+ automatically crashes our Exchange(tm) email
server whenever Federal investigators are
Al Gore around. Thanks to this feature, archives of
incriminating emails have been wiped clean.
This is what I call innovation. Thank you,
|Brief History Of Linux (#17)|
IBM chose Microsoft's Quick & Dirty Operating System instead of CP/M for
its new line of PCs. QDOS (along with the abomination known as EDLIN) had
been acquired from a Seattle man, Tim Paterson, for the paltry sum of
$50,000. "Quick" and "Dirty" were truly an accurate description of this
system, because IBM's quality assurance department discovered 300 bugs in
QDOS's 8,000 lines of assember code (that's about 1 bug per 27 lines --
which, at the time, was appalling, but compared with Windows 98 today, it
really wasn't that shabby).
Thanks in part to IBM's new marketing slogan, "Nobody Ever Got Fired For
Choosing IBM(tm)", and the release of the VisiCalc spreadsheet program
that everybody and their brother wanted, IBM PCs running DOS flew off the
shelves and, unfortunately, secured Microsoft's runaway success. Bill
Gates was now on his way to the Billionaire's Club; his days as a mediocre
programmer were long gone: he was now a Suit. The only lines of code he
would ever see would be the passcodes to his Swiss bank accounts.
|Brief History Of Linux (#18)|
The rise and rise of the Microsoft Empire
The DOS and Windows releases kept coming, and much to everyone's surprise,
Microsoft became more and more successful. This brought much frustration
to computer experts who kept predicting the demise of Microsoft and the
rise of Macintosh, Unix, and OS/2.
Nobody ever got fired for choosing Microsoft, which was the prime reason
that DOS and Windows prevailed. Oh, and DOS had better games as well,
which we all know is the most important feature an OS can have.
In 1986 Microsoft's continued success prompted the company to undergo a
wildly successful IPO. Afterwards, Microsoft and Chairman Bill had
accumulated enough money to acquire small countries without missing a
step, but all that money couldn't buy quality software. Gates could,
however, buy enough marketing and hype to keep MS-DOS (Maybe Some Day an
Operating System) and Windows (Will Install Needless Data On While System)
as the dominant platforms, so quality didn't matter. This fact was
demonstrated in Microsoft's short-lived slogan from 1988, "At Microsoft,
quality is job 1.1".
|At Microsoft, quality is job 1.1 - Use Linux!|
|"Microsoft is the epitome of innovation and product quality."|
-- This testimonial paid for by Microsoft.
|Statements recently seen on Slashdot:|
"The Internet interprets advertising as damage and routes around it."
"Accept risk. Accept responsibility. Put a lawyer out of business."
"A beowulf cluster of Cisco routers? Isn't that the Internet?"
"Geeks aren't interested in politics because government doesn't double its
efficiency and speed once every 18 months."
"Windows 98 hasn't crashed for me once in over a year, either. Oh, wait, I
haven't booted it in over a year."
"For more than 4 generations the IT Professionals were the guardians of
quality and stability in software. Before the dark times. Before
"You can tell how desperate they are by counting the number of times
they say 'innovate' in their press releases."
|You all have to admit that Microsoft products provide a quality unmatched|
by any other company. That is why I am switching to 100% pure shredded
Microsoft certificates of authenticity in my hamster's cage.
-- From a Slashdot.org post
|The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life|
The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually
lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
the higher emotions.
She would me "Honey" call,
She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
But now alas! She's left me
Falero, lero, loo.
Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
was her prudent choice of footwear.
The fives did fit her shoe.
In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the
Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
worst poet in England."
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|There is in certain living souls|
A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
So great it must be shared
As company is shared by lesser beings.
Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
That in immensity
There is one lonelier than you.
|The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable|
debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
-- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
|It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.|
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
|We the people of the Debian GNU/Linux distribution, in order to form a|
more perfect operating system, establish quality, insure marketplace
diversity, provide for the common needs of computer users, promote
security and privacy, overthrow monopolistic forces in the computer
software industry, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and
our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Debian
|But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad|
place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What
is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not
enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around?
Have I explained yet about the bytes?
|[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made|
The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT MATRIX
LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is featured by
permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality against low cost,"
"diversified functions with compact design," "flexibility in accessibleness
and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 Dot/Head," "being sophisticated in
mechanism but possibly agile operating under noises being extremely
And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help achieve
"super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by HOST
COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
|It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but|
it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
three more than the schedule allowed.
The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
their thumbs for ten months.
To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
| Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada|
Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The
company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
-- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
| Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool|
sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they
have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of Raisinets and
malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon administration. In either
the hardware or housewares department, you'll find an item imported from an
obscure Oriental country and described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of
a little handle with interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental
notions of tools that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off if
you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to direct
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
|Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.|
|What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be|
broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality
is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.
-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
|What they say: What they mean:|
New Different colors from previous version.
All New Not compatible with previous version.
Exclusive Nobody else has documentation.
Unmatched Almost as good as the competition.
Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money.
Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded.
Advanced Design Nobody really understands it.
Here At Last Didn't get it done on time.
Field Tested We don't have any simulators.
Years of Development Finally got one to work.
Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
No Maintenance Impossible to fix.
Performance Proven Worked through Beta test.
Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors.
Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails.
Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again.
The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
of other people.
That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density
of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
|Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:|
The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
cork makes when it is popped.
|Quality control, n.:|
Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand
and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
|Quality Control, n.:|
The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
|The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality|
of functions performed by private citizens.
-- Alexis de Tocqueville
|1893 The ideal brain tonic|
1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all
1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent
1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain
1906 The drink of QUALITY
1907 Good to the last drop
1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate
1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea
1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate
1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola
1919 It satisfies thirst
1919 The taste is the test
1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst
1922 Thirst knows no season
1925 Enjoy the sociable drink
-- Coca-Cola slogans
|Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all|
real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an
understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.
-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
|FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8|
Christmas Rum Cake
1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
poothtick comes out crean.
|At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,|
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
after fact and reason.
-- John Keats
|Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:|
WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE:
Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608
of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
combination of beauty and power. Few have
excelled him in the use of the English language,
or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
single poem ever written."
Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now
doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are
of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the
bungling and greed of President
... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a
not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist.
|It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a|
statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
-- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
|It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.|
-- Lloyd Kaufman, producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator"
|It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but it|
is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to organize
the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The manager of
architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and I were
threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they could write
the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months, three more
than the schedule allowed.
The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they could prepare
the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; it would be
well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule. Futhermore, if
the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling their thumbs
for ten months.
To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control program
team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, but would
also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and it was. He
was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual integrity made
the system far more costly to build and change, and I would estimate that it
added a year to debugging time.
- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
|...the increased productivity fostered by a friendly environment and quality|
tools is essential to meet ever increasing demands for software.
-- M. D. McIlroy, E. N. Pinson and B. A. Tague
|It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.|
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65)
|One may be able to quibble about the quality of a single experiment, or|
about the veracity of a given experimenter, but, taking all the supportive
experiments together, the weight of evidence is so strong as readily to
merit a wise man's reflection.
- Professor William Tiller, parapsychologist, Standford University,
commenting on psi research
|A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality.|
Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling.
But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.
-- Lazarus Long
|An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears|
a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised
only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich
Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote excellence:
"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch parts
or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a timeless
statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who doesn't need to
be reminded all the time that he is very successful. Much more successful
than the people who laughed at him in high school. Because of his acne.
People who are probably nowhere near as successful as he is now. Maybe
he'll go to his 20th reunion, and they'll see his Rolex Hyperion.
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
|Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained|
only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial
quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.
-- W.S. Maugham
| Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of|
the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
back to dust.
Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
you are young.
-- Samuel Ullman