Survey : Dictionary / Wörterbuch (BEOLINGUS, TU Chemnitz)

Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English)	by Linux fortune

"Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll confirm who I am. "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it." -- Captain Freedom
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
"Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world." -- David Letterman
"Pseudocode can be used to some extent to aid the maintenance process. However, pseudocode that is highly detailed - approaching the level of detail of the code itself - is not of much use as maintenance documentation. Such detailed documentation has to be maintained almost as much as the code, thus doubling the maintenance burden. Furthermore, since such voluminous pseudocode is too distracting to be kept in the listing itself, it must be kept in a separate folder. The result: Since pseudocode - unlike real code - doesn't have to be maintained, no one will maintain it. It will soon become out of date and everyone will ignore it. (Once, I did an informal survey of 42 shops that used pseudocode. Of those 42, 0 [zero!], found that it had any value as maintenance documentation." --Meilir Page-Jones, "The Practical Guide to Structured Design", Yourdon Press (c) 1988
"Survey says..." -- Richard Dawson, weenie, on "Family Feud"
Linux Dominates Academic Research A recent survey of colleges and high school reveals that Linux, Open Source Software, and Microsoft are favorite topics for research projects. Internet Censorship, a popular topic for the past two years, was supplanted by Biology of Penguins as another of this year's most popular subjects for research papers. "The Internet has changed all the rules," one college professor told Humorix. "Nobody wants to write papers about traditional topics like the death penalty, freedom of speech, abortion, juvenile crime, etc. Most of the research papers I've seen the past year have been computer related, and most of the reference material has come from the Net. This isn't necessarily good; there's a lot of crap on the Net. One student tried to use 'Bob's Totally Wicked Anti-Microsoft Homepage of Doom' and 'The Support Group for People Used by Microsoft' as primary sources of information for his paper about Microsoft." A high school English teacher added, "Plagarism is a problem with the Net. One of my students 'wrote' a brilliant piece about the free software revolution. Upon further inspection, however, almost everything was stolen from Eric S. Raymond's website. I asked the student, "What does noosphere mean?" He responded, 'New-what?' Needless to say, he failed the class."
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#1) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 1: What is your opinion of the Microsoft antitrust trial? A. The DoJ is wasting taxpayer's money. Now, if the DOJ were to upgrade all of its computer systems to Windows, then the department would be making wise use of tax dollars. B. All of the Microsoft email messages that the evil government has presented as evidence are obviously taken out of context or have been completely twisted around. I mean... Bill Gates would never say "let's cut off their air supply" in a memo; it's an obvious fabrication. C. Judge Jackson is obviously biased in favor of the DOJ's vigilante persecution of Microsoft. D. If Microsoft loses, it will be the gravest miscarriage of justice in all the history of mankind.
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#3) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 3: Have you ever experimented with the freeware Linux OS created by a group of anarchist acne-laden teenagers via the Net? A. No, I'd never trust my work to a piece of non-Microsoft software. B. No, I'd never trust my computer to a piece of software that has a restrictive license agreement such as the GNU GPL. C. No, I don't want to mess with the ancient command line interface Linux imposes on its users. D. Yes, but I quickly migrated back to modern Windows NT after I had trouble figuring out how to boot the thing from the cryptic LILO prompt.
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#4) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 4: What is your favorite Microsoft Office feature? A. Dancing Paper Clip B. Takes up enough hard drive space to prevent my children from installing violent video games or downloading pornography C. Everyone else has it, so I can easily exchange documents with others D. I have so many favorites, I can't choose just one!
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#5) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 5: Where do you want to go today?(tm) A. To Washington, D.C. to meet Janet Reno and cuss her out for persecuting Microsoft B. To Redmond, WA to take a tour of the Microsoft campus C. To the software store to purchase a new piece of Microsoft software D. To my local school district to convince the administration to upgrade the Macintoshes in the computer labs to Wintel systems E. I don't know about myself, but I'd like to see so-called "consumer advocates" like Ralph Nader go to Hell.
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#7) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 7: What new features would you like to see in Windows 2000? A. A marquee on the taskbar that automatically scrolls the latest headlines from MSNBC and Microsoft Press Pass B. Content filtration software for Internet Explorer that will prevent my children from accessing dangerous propaganda about Linux. C. A new card game; I've spent over 10,000 hours playing Solitaire during my free time at work and I'm starting to get bored with it D. A screensaver depicting cream pies being thrown at Janet Reno, Joel Klien, David Boies, Ralpha Nader, Orrin Hatch, Linus Torvalds, Richard M. Stallman, and other conspirators out to destroy Microsoft E. A Reinstall Wizard that helps me reinstall a fresh copy of Windows to fix Registry corruptions and other known issues
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#8) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 8: If you could meet Bill Gates for one minute, what would you say to him? A. "Can you give me a loan for a million or so?" B. "I just love all the new features in Windows 98!" C. "Could you autograph this box of Windows 98 for me?" D. "I really enjoyed reading 'Business @ the Speed of Thought'. It's so cool!" E. "Give the government hell, Bill!"
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#9) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 9: Which of the following do you prefer as a replacement for the current Microsoft slogan? A. "Over 20 Years of Innovation" B. "Wintel Inside" C. "Your Windows And Gates To The World" D. "Because Anti-Trust Laws Are Obsolete" E. "One Microsoft Way. It's Much More Than An Address!" F. "This Motto Is Not Anti-Competitive. And Neither Is Microsoft." G. "Fighting the Department of Injustice Since Day One"
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#13) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 13: Which of the following new Microsoft products do you plan on buying within the next 6 months? A. Windows For Babies(tm) - Using an enhanced "click-n-drool" interface, babies will be able to learn how to use a Wintel computer, giving them a head start in living in a Microsoft-led world. B. Where In Redmond Is Carmen Sandiego?(tm) - The archvillian Sandiego has stolen the Windows source code and must be stopped before she can publish it on the Net. C. ActiveKeyboard 2000(tm) - An ergonomic keyboard that replaces useless keys like SysRq and Scroll Lock with handy keys like "Play Solitaire" and "Visit Microsoft.com". D. Visual BatchFile(tm) - An IDE and compiler for the MS-DOS batch file language. MSNBC calls it "better than Perl".
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#14) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 14: How would you rate the performance of the Microsoft defense team in the antitrust trial? A. Perfect; they have clearly shown that Microsoft's market leading position is good for consumers. B. Outstanding; all of the pundits who are predicting that Microsoft will lose are a bunch of idiots. C. Excellent; Bill Gates' wonderful video deposition clearly demonstrated to the American public that he is a true visionary. D. I don't know; I haven't been paying any attention to the case because I know Microsoft will prevail anyways.
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#15) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 15: In your opinion, what companies should Microsoft seek to acquire in the coming year? A. Disney. I'd like to see a cute animated movie starring Clippit the Office Assistant. B. CBS. I'd like to see a new line-up featuring must-watch shows like "Touched by a Microserf", "Redmond Hope", "Everybody Loves Bill", "The Late Show With Steve Ballmer", and "60 Minutes... of Microsoft Infomercials", C. Google. Microsoft could drastically improve the quality and performance of this search engine by migrating it from Linux to Windows NT servers. D. Lowes Hardware Stores. Every copy of Windows 2000 could come bundled with a coupon for a free kitchen sink or a free window!
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#18) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 18: Witnessing the popularity of "Dilbert", Microsoft has plans to launch a syndicated comic strip featuring life at Microsoft. What characters would you like to see in such a comic strip? A. Judge Jackson, the goofy court judge who is always making foolish (and funny) decisions B. Bob, a wacky Microsoft programmer who likes to insert easter eggs in his work, and who is addicted to playing "Age of Empires" C. Bill Gates, the intelligent nerd extraordinaire who always gets his way by simply giving people large sums of money D. Ed Muth, the Microsoft spokesman who keeps putting his foot in his mouth. When not in public, he's a surprisingly sexy "chic magnet" E. Poorard Stalinman, the leader of a movement of hackers to provide "free" software for the masses at the expense of Capitalistic values
According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly sheepish grin" comes from.