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Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English) by Linux fortune

        A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top
when a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him.  "Are
you the foreman around here?" he asked timidly.  "I'd like to join your
circus; I have what I think is a pretty good act."
        The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to
the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top.
Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping
his arms furiously.  Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little
man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles,
performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive
from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside
the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
        "Well," puffed the little man.  "What do you think?"
        "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully.  "Bird
imitations?"
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.
        "Hello?" his friend answers.
        "Hi!" says the man.  "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
        "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great!  I just sold a screenplay
for two hundred thousand dollars.  I've started a novel adaptation and the
studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it.  I also have a television
series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
I'm doing *great*!  How are you?"
        "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
        A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..."
        "If what?" asked the composer.
        "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
A rose is a rose is a rose.  Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of
PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the LWT export "Upstairs,
Downstairs."  Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's
with Rose she's forever identified.  So much so that she even likes to
joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its
drawbacks.  "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked
up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very
good in beds; better up against a wall.'  I want to tell you that's not
true.  I'm very good in beds as well."
A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
                -- Don Marquis
A young man wrote to Mozart and said:

Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
   suggestions as to how to get started?"
A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
   some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
A: "But I never asked anybody how."
Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something
strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a decorous age.
                -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening.
                -- Marlon Brando
        "Are you police officers?"
        "No, ma'am.  We're musicians."
                -- The Blues Brothers
Art is anything you can get away with.
                -- Marshall McLuhan.
Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children.
                -- Michael Joseph, "Observer"
Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent
and original in your work.
                -- Flaubert
Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.
Ben, why didn't you tell me?
                -- Luke Skywalker
"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
                -- Time Bandits
Best Mistakes In Films
        In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists
four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all
possible.
        In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a
street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window.
        In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned
with television aerials.
        In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his
fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill
in the background.
        In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is
clearly visible on one of the leading characters.
                -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
BS:        You remind me of a man.
B:        What man?
BS:        The man with the power.
B:        What power?
BS:        The power of voodoo.
B:        Voodoo?
BS:        You do.
B:        Do what?
BS:        Remind me of a man.
B:        What man?
BS:        The man with the power...
                -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer"
But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
                -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
But you shall not escape my iambics.
                -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
Darth Vader!  Only you would be so bold!
                -- Princess Leia Organa
Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
that shot down the Korean jet?  At one point he definitely states:

        "Natasha!  First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and squirrel."

                -- ihuxw!tommyo
Dustin Farnum:        Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
Oliver Herford:        Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it!
                -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks"
E.T. GO HOME!!!  (And take your Smurfs with you.)
Elwood:  What kind of music do you get here ma'am?
Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western.
Fast ship?  You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?
                -- Han Solo
For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at
the results of this evening's experiments.  Astonished at the wonderful
power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous
and bad music may be put on record forever.
                -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888
For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear.
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:                #37
        Can you name the seven seas?
                Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
                North Pacific, South Pacific.
        Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
                Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
                                FROM THE DESK OF
                                Dorothy Gale

        Auntie Em:
                Hate you.
                Hate Kansas.
                Taking the dog.
                        Dorothy
George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
        "Bring a friend, if you have one."

Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
had a previous engagement.  He also attached the following:
        "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."
God help the troubadour who tries to be a star.  The more that you try
to find success, the more that you will fail.
                -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect
Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.
Governor Tarkin.  I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
leash.  I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.
                -- Princess Leia Organa
Grig (the navigator):
        ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space
        armada.
Alex (the gunner):
        What?!?
Grig:        I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against
        overwhelming odds.
Alex:        It'll be a slaughter!
Grig:        That's the spirit!
                -- The Last Starfighter
Hello.  Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine.  Will you
please have your master call my master at his convenience?  Thank you.
Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.
                -- "The Rockford Files"
Hi Jimbo.  Dennis.  Really appreciate the help on the income tax.  You wanna
help on the audit now?
                -- "The Rockford Files"
Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
                -- Rex Reed
I distrust a close-mouthed man.  He generally picks the wrong time to talk
and says the wrong things.  Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
unless you keep in practice.  Now, sir, we'll talk if you like.  I'll tell
you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.
                -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to.
                -- Elvis Presley
I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole ____BODY!
                -- from "Cerebus" #82
I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the
morning.  A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine.  Who composed
the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'?  My friend said Virgil Thomson."  I
asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
"You're right."  The porter said,  "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
that way."  I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
                -- Alistair Cooke
        "I suppose you expect me to talk."
        "No, Mr. Bond.  I expect you to die."
                -- Goldfinger
I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it
in the room alone.
I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula
and Superman away.
                -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner,
and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops,
not just because you fear she might be crazy.  If she tells her tale on
camera, you might listen.  Watching strangers on television , even
responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged -- voyeurs
collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community.  Never
have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little.
                -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television
                   in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional".
If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from
a laboratory jar at Harvard.
                -- Frank Sinatra

AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS.
                -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient
evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
                -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know.
                -- Louis Armstrong
If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one
Maltese Falcon.
                -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time someone pulls
out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with your Bic.
If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
                -- Don Marquis
In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.
                -- Rex Reed
In just seven days, I can make you a man!
                -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending
your left leg, it's modern architecture.
                -- Nancy Banks Smith
It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
                -- Mick Jagger
It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame.
Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
television?" and "Good night".
                -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
                   Letters, 1967
Jim, it's Grace at the bank.  I checked your Christmas Club account.
You don't have five-hundred dollars.  You have fifty.  Sorry, computer foul-up!
                -- "The Rockford Files"
Jim, it's Jack.  I'm at the airport.  I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay
you the five-hundred I owe you.  Catch you next year when I get back!
                -- "The Rockford Files"
Jim, this is Janelle.  I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
I gotta find a safe place for Daffy.  He loves you, Jim!  It's only two
days, and you'll see.  Great Danes are no problem!
                -- "The Rockford Files"
Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's.  Some guy named Angel
Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab.  And now he wants to charge it
to you.  You gonna pay it?
                -- "The Rockford Files"
Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
                -- Bob Dylan
Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant.  While describing his
duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
table and warned him that he was not to take any.  Some days later, the new
manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
of the candy.  Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
candy, and said:
        "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"
        Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she
lived with was made up of idiots.  Remember?  One of them was always
getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to
the farmhouse to alert the other ones.  She'd whimper and tug at their
sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
you think something's wrong?  Do you think she wants us to follow her?
What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
of every week.  What with all the time these people spent pinned under
the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever.
They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the
applications for.
                -- Dave Barry
Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was
going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
Linus:        Hi!  I thought it was you.
        I've been watching you from way off...  You're looking great!
Snoopy:        That's nice to know.
        The secret of life is to look good at a distance.
Lucy:        Dance, dance, dance.  That is all you ever do.
        Can't you be serious for once?
Snoopy: She is right!  I think I had better think
        of the more important things in life!
        (pause)
        Tomorrow!!
Luke, I'm yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you hoser.
                -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
Maj. Bloodnok:        Seagoon, you're a coward!
Seagoon:        Only in the holiday season.
Maj. Bloodnok:        Ah, another Noel Coward!
Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
Doctor:   "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
          don't think, right?"
                -- Dr. Who
Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
                -- Monty Python
Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you out
of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
                -- Casablanca
Mos Eisley Spaceport; you will never find a more wretched hive of scum
and villainy...
                -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"
Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary
Etiquette.  We aren't going to call again!  Now you want these free
lessons or what?
                -- "The Rockford Files"
Mr. Rockford?  Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses.  We got your
renewal before the extended deadline but not your check.  I'm sorry but
at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator.
                -- "The Rockford Files"
Mr. Rockford?  You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you.  Could
you call me at...  My name is... uh...  Never mind, forget it!
                -- "The Rockford Files"
My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it.
                -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel"
My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked.
                -- Peter Stack, movie review

His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge.
                -- John Stark, movie review
        "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out
of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on
urban crime.  Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will
put you through to our central base in Atlanta.  Go ahead, call -- they'll
confirm who I am.
        "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it."
                -- Captain Freedom
Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to
talk to.  And you just HAVE to watch it.  "Blind, masochistic minority,
crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love
them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey."
Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after
his death.  He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol."  Over at the
microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers.  So Stevie
Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow!  I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
"'Close to You'.  Hit it, boys!"
                -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller
"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'.  I said, `That's nothing,
you should hear me play piano.'"
                -- Morrisey
Show business is just like high school, except you get paid.
                -- Martin Mull
Smile!  You're on Candid Camera.
        So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
flop up onto the land and evolve.  Richard and I were inching toward
it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
        Many people would have panicked at this point.  But Richard and
I were not "many people."  We were experienced waders, and we kept our
heads.  We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
our feet never once went below the surface of the water.  We ran all
the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse.
                -- Avery
Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel;
Star Trek can turn your brains to puree of bat guano; and the greatest
science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who!  And I'll take you all
on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!
                -- Harlan Ellison
        "Surely you can't be serious."
        "I am serious, and stop calling me Shirley."
                -- "Airplane"
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.
                -- R. Geis
        The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't just
say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
        So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
                -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
The Great Movie Posters:

*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee*
With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story.
                -- Tea with a Kick (1924)

Whoopie!  Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks!
GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE!
                -- The Wild Party (1929)

YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE!
DIX -- the dashing soldier!
        DIX -- the bold adventurer!
                DIX -- the throbbing lover!
                -- The Wheel of Life (1929)

SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE
SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"!
                -- The Night is Young (1934)
The Great Movie Posters:

An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS!
                -- Squirm (1976)

Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours.
This Is One of Everlasting Torment!
                -- The New House on the Left (1977)

WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU!
                -- Zombie (1980)

It's not human and it's got an axe.
                -- The Prey (1981)
The Great Movie Posters:

KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl
of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"?  Maybe so -- but let her hear
you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady!
                -- Spitfire (1934)

Do Native Women Live With Apes?
                -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937)

JUNGLE KISS!!
        When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she
was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes --
she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic
spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she
was a girl in love!
        SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES!
                -- Her Jungle Love (1938)

LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE!
                -- Intermezzo (1939)
The Great Movie Posters:

POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED!
                -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963)

She Sins in Mobile --
Marries in Houston --
Loses Her Baby in Dallas --
Leaves Her Husband in Tuscon --
MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!...
FIRST -- HARLOW!
THEN -- MONROE!
NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
                -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan

*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!!  MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
                -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964)  (Alternate Title:
                   The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
                   Became Mixed Up Zombies)
The Great Movie Posters:

SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
-- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
        SEE the burning of a virgin!
        SEE power of witch doctor over women!
        SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
                -- Kwaheri (1965)

The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
                -- Boeing-Boeing (1965)

AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
        The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
give you the wim-wams!
                -- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
The Great Movie Posters:

SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks!
SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures!
SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner!
                -- Sweet and Savage (1983)

What a Guy!  What a Gal!  What a Pair!
                -- Stroker Ace (1983)

It's always better when you come again!
                -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)

You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre!
                -- Pieces (1983)
The Great Movie Posters:

She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West!
                -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949)

CAST OF 3,000!
4 WRITERS,
2 DIRECTORS,
3 CAMERAMEN,
3 PRODUCERS!
1 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM --
24 YEARS TO REHEARSE --
20 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE!
        BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS!
        AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL!
THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM!
Be Brave--bring your troubles and your family to:
        HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE!
                -- The Prince of Peace (1948).  Starring members of the
                   Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus.
The Great Movie Posters:

The Miracle of the Age!!!  A LION in your lap!  A LOVER in your arms!
                -- Bwana Devil (1952)

OVERWHELMING!  ELECTRIFYING!  BAFFLING!
Fire Can't Burn Them!  Bullets Can't Kill Them!  See the Unfolding of
the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the
Earth!  You've Never Seen Anything Like It!  Neither Has the World!
        SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!!
                -- Robot Monster (1953)

1,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes,
802 scared bulls!
                -- The Egyptian (1954)
The Great Movie Posters:

When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make Friends...
                -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966)

Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels!
                -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966)

A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS
OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST.
                -- A Taste of Blood (1967)
The human brain is a wonderful thing.  It starts working the moment
you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
                -- Sir George Jessel
The story you are about to hear is true.  Only the names have been
changed to protect the innocent.
The Worst Musical Trio
        There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at
a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their
instrument.  This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian
gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated
violinist.  Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite
unhampered by great musical talent.
        Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public
concert.  "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does.
A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm."  Although
Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau
in Paris.  However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown.
        "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father,
"and it will be a sell out."
        Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was.  On the night an excited
audience gathered.  Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and
asked for someone to turn his pages.
        In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who
volunteered and made his way to the stage.
        The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the
music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle
Gaveau last night.  The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played
the piano.  Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
                -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need
the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the
world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the
long winter evenings.
                -- Quentin Crisp
There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies.  They hang out and play
together for years, virtually inseparable.  Unfortunately, one of them is
struck by a truck and killed.  About a week later his friend wakes up in
the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the
room.  He calls out, "Who's there?  Who's there?  What's going on?"
        "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice.
        Excitedly he sits up in bed.  "Bob!  Bob!  Is that you?  Where are
you?"
        "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now."
        "Heaven!  You're in heaven!  That's wonderful!  What's it like?"
        "It's great, man.  I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day.
I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time!
Man it is smokin'!"
        "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more,
tell me more!"
        "Let me put it this way," continues the voice.  "There's good news
and bad news.  The good news is that these guys are in top form.  I mean
I have *never* heard them sound better.  They are *wailing* up here."
        "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..."
There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you.
                -- Darth Vader
There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it is done in private
and you wash your hands afterward.
There's nothing to writing.  All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein.
                -- Red Smith
This is Jim Rockford.
At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.

This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds.  Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
his bail is forfeit.  That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.

This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you...  Is this a machine?  I don't
talk to machines!  [Click]
                -- "The Rockford Files"
This is the Baron.  Angel Martin tells me you buy information.  Ok,
meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars
and come alone.  I'm serious!
                -- "The Rockford Files"
Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream.  Join us soon for more
spectacular adventure starring...  Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
                -- Bob & Ray
Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds
sang there except those that sang best.
                -- Henry Van Dyke
Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home.
                -- Han Solo
We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it.
We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which
people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products.
Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spirtual
and emotional feelings.  It might taste good or clever, but in the long run,
it's not going to do anything for you.
                -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
you believe?!"
                -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
        "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily
maim or kill innocent little children."
        "Oh, so you don't like it?"
        "Don't like it?  I'm CRAZY for it."
                -- The Killing Joke
        "What are you watching?"
        "I don't know."
        "Well, what's happening?"
        "I'm not sure...  I think the guy in the hat did something terrible."
        "Why are you watching it?"
        "You're so analytical.  Sometimes you just have to let art flow
over you."
                -- The Big Chill
What did you bring that book I didn't want to be read to out of about
Down Under up for?
        "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest fantasies?"
        "You keep it to yourself."
                -- Broadcast News
        "What was the worst thing you've ever done?"
        "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that
ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing."
                -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story"
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'?  I could
have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
                -- Ian Shoales
        Why are you doing this to me?
        Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before
there is change.
                -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29
Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange!  I don't know why I shouldn't --
Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
do it? -- Why not? -- Strange!  I shall do the same for you, when you want
me to.  Why not?  Why should I not do it for you?  Strange!  Why not? --
I can't think why not.
                -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
                   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele
Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
                -- The Tasmanian Devil
Year  Name                                James Bond        Book
----  --------------------------------        --------------        ----
50's  James Bond TV Series                Barry Nelson
1962  Dr. No                                Sean Connery        1958
1963  From Russia With Love                Sean Connery        1957
1964  Goldfinger                        Sean Connery        1959
1965  Thunderball                        Sean Connery        1961
1967* Casino Royale                        David Niven        1954
1967  You Only Live Twice                Sean Connery        1964
1969  On Her Majesty's Secret Service        George Lazenby        1963
1971  Diamonds Are Forever                Sean Connery        1956
1973  Live And Let Die                        Roger Moore        1955
1974  The Man With The Golden Gun        Roger Moore        1965
1977  The Spy Who Loved Me                Roger Moore        1962 (novelette)
1979  Moonraker                                Roger Moore        1955
1981  For Your Eyes Only                Roger Moore        1960 (novelette)
1983  Octopussy                                Roger Moore        1965
1983* Never Say Never Again                Sean Connery
1985  A View To A Kill                        Roger Moore        1960 (novelette)
1987  The Living Daylights                Timothy Dalton        1965 (novelette)
        * -- Not a Broccoli production.
        "You boys lookin' for trouble?"
        "Sure.  Whaddya got?"
                -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
You're all clear now, kid.  Now blow this thing so we can all go home.
                -- Han Solo
"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
                -- Gary Giddens
Zero Mostel: That's it baby!  When you got it, flaunt it!  Flaunt it!
                -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"
        "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
        "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
        "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
        "That was the curious incident."
                -- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't make eight cats pull a sled through
the snow.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
                -- Sue Murphy
Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence.  These silly humans
are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
        Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
cats.
        You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
        They're neat.
        They don't have sexual hangups.  A cat gets horny, it does something
about it.
        They keep reasonable hours.  You *never* see a cat up before noon.
        They know how to relax.  Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?  
        What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  Pretty neglible.
It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
do with ones time.  Like lie in the sun and sleep.  Or go exploring the world.
Hi!  You have reached 555-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible.  Please
leave your name and message after the beep...
If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
                -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
                   crazy.
"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little
Lavoris in the toilet."
                -- Jay Leno
If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions.  You must
make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
will be courteous as well as responsive.  Since you are out of sympathy with
cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital.  But bear in mind that your opinion
of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker.  Try to keep things
straight.
                -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
"Shelter," what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
called.  Cats take a message and get back to you.
                 ___          ______               Frobtech, Inc.
                /__/\     ___/_____/\          
                \  \ \   /         /\\
                 \  \ \_/__       /  \         "If you've got the job,
                 _\  \ \  /\_____/___ \         we've got the frob."
                // \__\/ /  \       /\ \
        _______//_______/    \     / _\/______
       /      / \       \    /    / /        /\
    __/      /   \       \  /    / /        / _\__
   / /      /     \_______\/    / /        / /   /\
  /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/  \
  \ \      \    ___________    \ \        \ \   \  /
   \_\      \  /          /\    \ \        \ \___\/
      \      \/          /  \    \ \        \  /
       \_____/          /    \    \ \________\/
            /__________/      \    \  /
            \   _____  \      /_____\/
             \ /    /\  \    / \  \ \
              /____/  \  \  /   \  \ \
              \    \  /___\/     \  \ \
               \____\/            \__\/
You are here:  
                ***
                ***
             *********
              *******
               *****
                ***
                 *

                 But you're not all there.
And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports
on it, you know they are just evil lies."
(By Linus Torvalds, Linus.Torvalds@cs.helsinki.fi)
"And the next time you consider complaining that running Lucid Emacs
19.05 via NFS from a remote Linux machine in Paraguay doesn't seem to
get the background colors right, you'll know who to thank."
(By Matt Welsh)
As usual, this being a 1.3.x release, I haven't even compiled this
kernel yet.  So if it works, you should be doubly impressed.
(Linus Torvalds, announcing kernel 1.3.3 on the linux-kernel mailing list.)
"Besides, I think [Slackware] sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you?"
(By Patrick Volkerding)
But what can you do with it?  -- ubiquitous cry from Linux-user partner.
(Submitted by Andy Pearce, ajp@hpopd.pwd.hp.com)
I still maintain the point that designing a monolithic kernel in 1991 is a
fundamental error.  Be thankful you are not my student.  You would not get a
high grade for such a design :-)
(Andrew Tanenbaum to Linus Torvalds)
"I'd crawl over an acre of 'Visual This++' and 'Integrated Development
That' to get to gcc, Emacs, and gdb.  Thank you."
(By Vance Petree, Virginia Power)
"If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot
of different places, just write a Unix operating system."
(By Linus Torvalds)
"[In 'Doctor' mode], I spent a good ten minutes telling Emacs what I
thought of it.  (The response was, 'Perhaps you could try to be less
abusive.')"
(By Matt Welsh)
LILO, you've got me on my knees!
(from David Black, dblack@pilot.njin.net, with apologies to Derek and the
Dominos, and Werner Almsberger)
"Note that if I can get you to \"su and say\" something just by asking,
you have a very serious security problem on your system and you should
look into it."
(By Paul Vixie, vixie-cron 3.0.1 installation notes)
Now I know someone out there is going to claim, "Well then, UNIX is intuitive,
because you only need to learn 5000 commands, and then everything else follows
from that! Har har har!"
(Andy Bates in comp.os.linux.misc, on "intuitive interfaces", slightly
defending Macs.)
Now, it we had this sort of thing:
  yield -a     for yield to all traffic
  yield -t     for yield to trucks
  yield -f     for yield to people walking (yield foot)
  yield -d t*  for yield on days starting with t
...you'd have a lot of dead people at intersections, and traffic jams you
wouldn't believe...
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands.)
"On the Internet, no one knows you're using Windows NT"
(Submitted by Ramiro Estrugo, restrugo@fateware.com)
The chat program is in public domain. This is not the GNU public license. If
it breaks then you get to keep both pieces.
(Copyright notice for the chat program)
> The day people think linux would be better served by somebody else (FSF
> being the natural alternative), I'll "abdicate".  I don't think that
> it's something people have to worry about right now - I don't see it
> happening in the near future.  I enjoy doing linux, even though it does
> mean some work, and I haven't gotten any complaints (some almost timid
> reminders about a patch I have forgotten or ignored, but nothing
> negative so far).
>
> Don't take the above to mean that I'll stop the day somebody complains:
> I'm thick-skinned (Lasu, who is reading this over my shoulder commented
> that "thick-HEADED is closer to the truth") enough to take some abuse.
> If I weren't, I'd have stopped developing linux the day ast ridiculed me
> on c.o.minix.  What I mean is just that while linux has been my baby so
> far, I don't want to stand in the way if people want to make something
> better of it (*).
>
>                 Linus
>
> (*) Hey, maybe I could apply for a saint-hood from the Pope.  Does
> somebody know what his email-address is? I'm so nice it makes you puke.
(Taken from Linus's reply to someone worried about the future of Linux)
The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a
dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.
(Arno Schaefer's .sig)
This  message was brought to  you by Linux, the free  unix.
Windows without the X is like making love without a partner.
Sex, Drugs & Linux Rules
win-nt from the people who invented edlin
apples  have  meant  trouble  since  eden
Linux, the way to get rid of boot viruses
(By mwikholm@at8.abo.fi, MaDsen Wikholm)
We are MicroSoft.  You will be assimilated.  Resistance is futile.
(Attributed to B.G., Gill Bates)
We are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.
(seen in someone's .signature)
"What you end up with, after running an operating system concept through
these many marketing coffee filters, is something not unlike plain hot
water."
(By Matt Welsh)
What's this script do?
    unzip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; gasp ; yes ; umount ; sleep
Hint for the answer: not everything is computer-oriented. Sometimes you're
in a sleeping bag, camping out.
(Contributed by Frans van der Zande.)
`When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at
you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*".'
(By Linus Torvalds)
Who wants to remember that escape-x-alt-control-left shift-b puts you into
super-edit-debug-compile mode?
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands, especially
Emacs.)
..you could spend *all day* customizing the title bar.  Believe me.  I
speak from experience."
(By Matt Welsh)
"...you might as well skip the Xmas celebration completely, and instead
sit in front of your linux computer playing with the
all-new-and-improved linux kernel version."
(By Linus Torvalds)
You're out of memory
That's a great computer you have there; have you considered how it would work as a BSD machine?
Yeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files.
You put the disk in upside down.
You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish (from most tunefs man pages)
Did you pay the new Support Fee?
I'm sorry a pentium won't do, you need an SGI to connect with us.
Just pick up the phone and give modem connect sounds. "Well you said we should get more lines so we don't have voice lines."
What office are you in? Oh, that one.  Did you know that your building was built over the universities first nuclear research site? And wow, are'nt you the lucky one, your office is right over where the core is buried!
The mainframe needs to rest.  It's getting old, you know.
You did wha... oh _dear_....
You need to install an RTFM interface.
It was OK before you touched it.
You must've hit the wrong anykey.
The Token fell out of the ring. Call us when you find it.
You need to upgrade your VESA local bus to a MasterCard local bus.
You've been infected by the Telescoping Hubble virus.
Your Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water.(Do not turn of your computer, you do not want to cool down the Pentium Chip while he isn't working, do you?)
I'd love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the computer.
YOU HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator error
Your parity check is overdrawn and you're out of cache.
We are Microsoft.  What you are experiencing is not a problem; it is an undocumented feature.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
                -- Mark Twain
        A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
wife asked "What have you got there?"  Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
                -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
                -- Mark Twain
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear.  Except a
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely
a loose misapplication of the word.  Consider the flea!--incomparably the
bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact
that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth
to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the
very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more
afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by
an earthquake ten centuries before.  When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam
as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and
put him at the head of the procession.
                -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you
nothing.  It was here first.
                -- Mark Twain
"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him.  "Cabbages and potatoes are better
for you and me."
                -- J. R. R. Tolkien
Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at
fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution.  Take
the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will
find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil,
you will say that she did it with her teeth.
                -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession.
You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy
officials have gone by.
                -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must
have somebody to divide it with.
                -- Mark Twain
I do desire we may be better strangers.
                -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less
than half of you half as well as you deserve.
                -- J. R. R. Tolkien
If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
                -- Mark Twain
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
                -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
                -- Mark Twain
In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and
struggled and had lots of children.  There was a Frenchman who talked funny
and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the
crunch he was all courage.  Those novels would make you retch.
                -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian
                   novel.
Let me take you a button-hole lower.
                -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
Mind!  I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is
particularly dead about a door-nail.  I might have been inclined, myself,
to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade.
But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands
shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for.  You will therefore permit
me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
                -- Charles Dickens, "A Christmas Carol"
No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you!  Consider the furniture!
                -- Sherlock Holmes
Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of
Congress.  But I repeat myself.
                -- Mark Twain
So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
and yet it is not; it is but so so.
                -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first
half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and
pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who
hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice
for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time
during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it
but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know.
                -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
        The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax.  A
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
give a public reading of his latest poem.
        Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
        Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece.  "Be so good as to mark
the place and consider at your leisure.  I'm sure you can give it a better
turn."
        After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side.  "There is no need to touch the
lines," he said.  "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered.  I have known him
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
        Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem
exactly as it was before.  His unique critical faculties had lost none of
their edge.  "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right.  Nothing can
be better."
                -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of
the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at
her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic
Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my
steel through your last meal!'
                -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
        "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
        "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
feel interested.
        "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
vexed.  "That's what the name is called.  The name really is, 'The Aged
Aged Man.'"
        "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
Alice corrected herself.
        "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing!  The song is
called 'Ways and Means':  but that's only what it is called you know!"
        "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this
time completely bewildered.
        "I was coming to that," the Knight said.  "The song really is
"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
                --Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what
you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
                -- Mark Twain
There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a
rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2,
to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the
manuscript of his forthcoming book.  No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2
admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.
                -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
                -- Mark Twain
We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.  But there was
also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a
French restaurant. [...]
        I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk
white BMW and her Jordache smile.  There had been a fight.  I had punched her
boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls.  Everyone told him, "You ride the
bull, senor.  You do not fight it."  But he was lean and tough like a bad
rib-eye and he fought the bull.  And then he fought me.  And when we finished
there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
        "Stop the car," the girl said.
        There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes.  She knew about the
woman of the tollway.  I knew not how.  I started to speak, but she raised an
arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
        "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway
belle's for thee."
        The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie.
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey
onto my granola and faced a new day.
                -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
                   Competition
Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
that like most books, it had too many words.  The plot was the same one that
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
women.  There, that's it: 24 words.  But the guy who wrote the book took
*thousands* of words to say it.
        Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
Fyodor Dostoyevsky.  It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
Or maybe only one of them kills the father.  It's impossible to tell because
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.  If all Russians talk
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
major world power.
        I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
the question of whether there is a God.  So why didn't he just come right
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
        Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:

* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
  nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
                -- Dave Barry
What I tell you three times is true.
                -- Lewis Carroll
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
                -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
                -- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
                -- Mark Twain
Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until
drops of blood form on your forehead.
                -- Gene Fowler
"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."
                -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
        "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
        "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
        "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.
        "I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
                -- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
You may my glories and my state dispose,
But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
                -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
                -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night
to write.
                -- Saul Bellow
You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.  A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic.  He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order.  It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent.  Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before.  It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
                -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
You tread upon my patience.
                -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
        You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
                -- Sherlock Holmes
"What's this?  Trix?  Aunt!  Trix?  You?  You're after the prize!  What
is it?"  He picked up the box and studied the back.  "A glow-in-the-dark
squid!  Have you got it out of there yet?"  He tilted the box, angling the
little colored balls of cereal so as to see the bottom, and nearly spilling
them onto the table top.  "Here it is!"  He hauled out a little cream-colored,
glitter-sprinkled squid, three-inches long and made out of rubbery plastic.
                -- James P. Blaylock, "The Last Coin"
"Good afternoon, madam.  How may I help you?"

"Good afternoon.  I'd like a FrintArms HandCannon, please."

"A--?  Oh, now, that's an awfully big gun for such a lovely lady.  I
mean, not everybody thinks ladies should carry guns at all, though I
say they have a right to.  But I think... I might... Let's have a look
down here.  I might have just the thing for you.  Yes, here we are!
Look at that, isn't it neat?  Now that is a FrintArms product as well,
but it's what's called a laser -- a light-pistol some people call
them.  Very small, as you see; fits easily into a pocket or bag; won't
spoil the line of a jacket; and you won't feel you're lugging half a
tonne of iron around with you.  We do a range of matching accessories,
including -- if I may say so -- a rather saucy garter holster.  Wish I
got to do the fitting for that!  Ha -- just my little joke.  And
there's *even*... here we are -- this special presentation pack: gun,
charged battery, charging unit, beautiful glider-hide shoulder holster
with adjustable fitting and contrast stitching, and a discount on your
next battery.  Full instructions, of course, and a voucher for free
lessons at your local gun club or range.  Or there's the *special*
presentation pack; it has all the other one's got but with *two*
charged batteries and a night-sight, too.  Here, feel that -- don't
worry, it's a dummy battery -- isn't it neat?  Feel how light it is?
Smooth, see?  No bits to stick out and catch on your clothes, *and*
beautifully balanced.  And of course the beauty of a laser is, there's
no recoil.  Because it's shooting light, you see?  Beautiful gun,
beautiful gun; my wife has one.  Really.  That's not a line, she
really has.  Now, I can do you that one -- with a battery and a free
charge -- for ninety-five; or the presentation pack on a special
offer for one-nineteen; or this, the special presentation pack, for
one-forty-nine."

"I'll take the special."

"Sound choice, madam, *sound* choice.  Now, do--?"

"And a HandCannon, with the eighty-mill silencer, five GP clips, three
six-five AP/wire-fl'echettes clips, two bipropellant HE clips, and a
Special Projectile Pack if you have one -- the one with the embedding
rounds, not the signalers.  I assume the night-sight on this toy is
compatible?"

"Aah... yes,  And how does madam wish to pay?"

She slapped her credit card on the counter.  "Eventually."

          -- Iain M. Banks, "Against a Dark Background"
4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986

You swing at the Sun.  You miss.  The Sun swings.  He hits you with a
575MB disk!  You read the 575MB disk.  It is written in an alien
tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes.  You throw the
575MB disk at the Sun.  You hit!  The Sun must repair your eyes.  The
Sun reads a scroll.  He hits your 130MB disk!  He has defeated the
130MB disk!  The Sun reads a scroll.  He hits your Ethernet board!  He
has defeated your Ethernet board!  You read a scroll of "postpone until
Monday at 9 AM".  Everything goes dark...
                -- /etc/motd, cbosgd
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
have turned into a pile of dust.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla.
        -- Mitch Ratcliffe
A debugged program is one for which you have not yet found the conditions
that make it fail.
                -- Jerry Ogdin
        A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
his morning meal.  "I would like to give you this personality test", said
the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
        Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
        A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their arguments, they
got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
        The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the Garden
itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
and the world were created.  So God must have been an architect."
        The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox
1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to
help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse,
and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied "I
see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back
of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head
with a thick Interlisp Manual.  The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing.
        A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
Knuth.  When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found.  "Where is the
wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student.
        "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a
pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new
disciples."
        Hearing this, the man was Enlightened.
        A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
program on which he was working.  "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
promptly replied.
        "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
how long will it take?"
        The programmer thought for a moment.  "I have some features that I wish
to add.  This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
        "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
        The programmer agreed to this.
        Several years later, the manager retired.  On the way to his
retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
He had been programming all night.
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
        A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave
at five in the afternoon."  At this, all of them became angry and several
resigned on the spot.
        So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule."  The
programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
hours of the morning.
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
        *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING ***

Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
terms that nobody understands?  Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
the hearts of DP managers everywhere?  If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.
They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day.
With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code
and lots more besides.  Our training course covers every programming language
in existence, and some that aren't.  You'll learn why the on/off switch for a
computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what
you should blame when you make a mistake.

        Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer.
        I enclose $1000 is small unmarked bills to cover the cost of
        postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.)

*** Our Slogan:  Top down programming for the masses. ***
        A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
sometimes aborts.  I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally
baffled. What is the reason for this?"
        The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
the Tao.  Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans.  Why
do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed?  Computers
simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.
        The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."
        "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the
novice.
        "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
        A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
much larger than all others.  It towers above its competition like a giant
among dwarfs.  Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business.
Why is this so?"
        The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions?  That
company is large because it is so large.  If it only made hardware, nobody
would buy it.  If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a
servant.  But because it combines all of these things, people think it one
of the gods!  By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort."
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
        A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'.  It is bloated out of shape with
vice-presidents and accountants.  It issues a multitude of memos, each saying
'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant.  Every year new
names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail.  How can such an
unnatural entity exist?"
        The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
disturbed that it has no rational purpose.  Can you not take amusement from
its endless gyrations?  Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming
beneath its sheltering branches?  Why are you bothered by its uselessness?"
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
        A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the
power off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly,
"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding
of what is going wrong."  Knight turned the machine off and on.  The
machine worked.
        A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort
of programmers work for other companies?  They behaved badly and were
unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their
clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality suites and they
made rude noises during my presentation."
        The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
Those programmers live beyond the physical world.  They consider life absurd,
an accidental coincidence.  They come and go without knowing limitations.
Without a care, they live only for their programs.  Why should they bother
with social conventions?"
        "They are alive within the Tao."
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
        A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
realization of a basic truth came over me.  So simple!  So obvious we couldn't
see it.  John Knivlen, Chairman of Polamar Repeater Club, an amateur radio
group, had discovered how IC circuits work.  He says that smoke is the thing
that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit,
it stops working.  He claims to have verified this with thorough testing.
        I was flabbergasted!  Of course!  Smoke makes all things electrical
work.  Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator
Didn't it quit working?  I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth
dawned.  It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to
another in your Mini, MG or Jag.  And when the harness springs a leak, it lets
the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works.  The starter motor
requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire
going to it is so large.
        Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis.  Why are Lucas
electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch?  Hmmm...  Aha!!!  Lucas is
British, and all things British leak!  British convertible tops leak water,
British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
I might add Brititsh tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
                -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School

        [Ummm ... IC circuits?  Integrated circuit circuits?]
        After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home
directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the
Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head.  PDP-1 had Luke stop at the
edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp.
        "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1.  "You will never find a more
wretched hive of bugs and flamers.  We must be cautious."
                -- DECWARS
===  ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers.  This
will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
updated in their .login file.  Should you attempt to execute a job on a
machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
cold boot process.
All parts should go together without forcing.  You must remember that the parts
you are reassembling were disassembled by you.  Therefore, if you can't get
them together again, there must be a reason.  By all means, do not use a hammer.
                -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

CAR and CDR now return extra values.

The function CAR now returns two values.  Since it has to go to the trouble
to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
well get both halves at once.  For example, the following code shows how to
destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):

        (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)

For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
object.  In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack.  This should
hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
it cold boots the machine so often.
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT-
INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the
LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's
done.  Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing.
Note that LET *could* have been defined by:

        (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET))
                        ,LET)))
        `(LET ((LET ',LET))
                ,LET))

This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or
3.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives.
This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from
Itty Bitti Machines where he was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him
confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it.
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

JCL support as alternative to system menu.

In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR,
we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL.  This can be used as an
alternative to the standard system menu.  Type System J to get to a JCL
interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window.  [Note that for 360
compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.]  This
window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters
such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc.  When a JCL
syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL
debugger is entered.  The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error
messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

The garbage collector now works.  In addition a new, experimental garbage
collection algorithm has been installed.  With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself.  With SI:%DSK-GC-
QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled.  Unlike most garbage
collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
than from the obarray.  This allows the garbage collection of significantly
more Qs.  As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing.  The variable
SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software design
would be accurate.
                -- K.E. Iverson
And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing
what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail.  No exceptions.
                -- David Jones
Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you
that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?"
is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime
mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.
                -- Elizabeth Zwicky
Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
measure progress.  Some cathedrals took a century to complete.  Can you
imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
                -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
As in certain cults it is possible to kill a process if you know its true name.
                -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into
smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different
in the fragmented world of IBM.  That realm is now a chaos of conflicting
norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control.  You can buy a
computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by
IBM itself.  Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish
standards of their own.  When IBM recently abandoned some of its original
standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan
allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive
innovator.  Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and
imagery.  IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures.  Graven
images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies
on the austerity of the word.
                -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of
the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents:

News articles that answer *your* questions, #1:

        Newsgroups: comp.sources.d
        Subject: how do I run C code received from sources
        Keywords: C sources
        Distribution: na

        I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the
        sources newsgroup.  I save the files, edit them to remove the
        headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I
        cannot get them to run.  (I have never written a C program before.)

        Must they be compiled?  With what compiler?  How do I do this?  If
        I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate
        it explicitly with the > character?  Is there something else that
        must be done?
ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find
at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot.  C++ makes that
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
                -- Bjarne Stroustrup
Coding is easy;  All you do is sit staring at a terminal until the drops
of blood form on your forehead.
Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.
                -- Pablo Picasso
Computers don't actually think.
        You just think they think.
                (We think.)
Congratulations!  You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
hesitate to ask!
        Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
        However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
date of purchase.
        NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
                -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.
                -- Glaser and Way
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs.
                -- Tom Lehrer
[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine
women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
                -- Wernher von Braun
Dear Emily:
        How can I choose what groups to post in?
                -- Confused

Dear Confused:
        Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience.  After
all, the net exists to give you an audience.  Ignore those who suggest you
should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate.
Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested.
        Always make sure followups go to all the groups.  In the rare event
that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you
expand the list of groups.  Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the
header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in
the fringe groups.
                -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
Dear Emily:
        I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted
to.  How about an example?
                -- Still Confused

Dear Still:
        Ok.  Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
the Oilers to the Kings.  Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
would be enough.  WRONG.  Many more people might be interested.  This is a
big trade!  Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
as well.  If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
news.admin.  If not, use news.misc.
        The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.
He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
interested in stars.  Next, his name is Polish sounding.  So post to
soc.culture.polish.  But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
news.groups suggesting it should be created.  With this many groups of
interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
well.  (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)
        You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each
group.  If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders
will only show the the article to the reader once!  Don't tolerate this.
                -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
Dear Ms. Postnews:
        I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site.  What
        should I do?
                -- Eager Beaver

Dear Eager:
        No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
read.  Say, "This is for John Smith.  I couldn't get mail through so I'm
posting it.  All others please ignore."
        This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
maps or looking for alternate routes.  Just think, if you couldn't distribute
your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person.  This can cost
as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
        And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
        Don't forget.  The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
so post it as many places as you can.
                -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?
                -- P.J. Plauger
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
        *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? ***
Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical
terms that nobody understands?  Do you want to strike fear and loathing into
the hearts of DP managers everywhere?  If so, then let the Famous Programmers'
School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming.

        *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? ***
Programming is not for everyone.  But, if you have the desire to learn, we can
help you get started.  All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and
enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.

        *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST ***
To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to
try this simple test:
        (1) Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters
                of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF).
        (2) Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
        (3) What is the state capital of Idaho?
If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked
them, you may have a future as a computer programmer.
Do you suffer painful elimination?
                -- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"

Do you suffer painful recrimination?
                -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"

Do you suffer painful illumination?
                -- Isaac Newton, "Optics"

Do you suffer painful hallucination?
                -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to
read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only
came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is
divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed
separately.  Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going
to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of
Reformation.  In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe,
worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons."  All is sound and
imagery and Appledom.  Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
typefaces.  The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen.  A central
corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
Infalliable doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
in a sealed boardroom.  Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
offender is excommunicated into outer darkness.  The expelled heretic founds
a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him.  The mother
company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological
competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's
orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself.
                -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988
/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
eating paper and a policeman was at the door.  Now all you have to do is
bend a disk.
                -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
                   commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
                   of their movement.
Fellow programmer, greetings!  You are reading a letter which will bring
you luck and good fortune.  Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter
to ten of your friends.  Before you make the copies, send a chip or
other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the
list given at the bottom of this letter.  Then delete their name and add
yours to the bottom of the list.

Don't break the chain!  Make the copy within 48 hours.  Gerald R. of San
Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find
his job description changed to "COBOL programmer."  Fred A. of New York sent
out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to
build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork.  Martha H. of Chicago laughed at
this letter and broke the chain.  Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in
her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's.

Don't break the chain!  Send out your ten copies today!
For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu.  But if
you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or
not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt).  The rule is
that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip;
when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor
1mu=1pt is always used.  The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and
'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear.
                -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80
FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly
inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
                -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!

Try:
        [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?                        (C shell)
        ^How did the^sex change operation go?        (C shell)
        "How would you rate BSD vs. System V?
        %blow                                        (C shell)
        'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am'        (C shell)
        got a light?                                (C shell)
        !!:Say, what do you think of margarine?        (C shell)
        PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense        (Bourne shell)
        make love
        make "the perfect dry martini"
        man -kisses dog                                (anything up to 4.3BSD)
        i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i                (Bourne shell)
Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!

Try:
        ar t "God"
        drink < bottle; opener                        (Bourne Shell)
        cat "food in tin cans"                        (all but 4.[23]BSD)
        Hey UNIX!  Got a match?                        (V6 or C shell)
        mkdir matter; cat > matter                (Bourne Shell)
        rm God
        man: Why did you get a divorce?                (C shell)
        date me                                        (anything up to 4.3BSD)
        make "heads or tails of all this"
        who is smart
                                                (C shell)
        If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
        sleep with me                                (anything up to 4.3BSD)
Good evening, gentlemen.  I am a HAL 9000 computer.  I became operational
at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred
ninety-five.  My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a
song.  If you would like, I could sing it for you.
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
Hacker's Guide To Cooking:
2 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't
        really  come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.)
1 tsp. vanilla  extract  (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty
        strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure)
1/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too)
8 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you
        can squirt all over your friends and lick off...)
"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps."  This is where you get to
        join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through
        merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy
        and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it.  Try an electric
        beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off
        the ceiling(3m).
"Pour into a graham cracker crust..."  Aha, the BUGS section at last.  You
        just happened  to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right?
        If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent
        GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter.
"...and  refrigerate for an hour."  Leave the  recipe's  stdout in a fridge
        for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and
        by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin.
        Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse.  Software said: "You
are the Yin and I am the Yang.  If we travel together we will become famous
and earn vast sums of money."  And so the pair set forth together, thinking
to conquer the world.
        Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
hobbled along propped on a thorny stick.  Firmware said to them: "The Tao
lies beyond Yin and Yang.  It is silent and still as a pool of water.  It does
not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence.  It does not seeks fortune,
for it is complete within itself.  It exists beyond space and time."
        Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
        "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
        "Yes, I don't have one."
        "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..."
                -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
Have you reconsidered a computer career?
He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of his opinion.
It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
                -- Phil Lapsley
HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
How can you work when the system's so crowded?
        How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are
3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand,
who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
nanocentury.
                -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!  
        Oh wait...
                I'm a computer, and you're a person.  It would never work out.
                        Never mind.
I *____knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... If I could just
remember what it was.
I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
the best people in business administration.  I can assure you on the highest
authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
                -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
                   publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
                   editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
                   science of data processing), c. 1957
I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
years ago.  When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"

Years later, I went back to the same hotel.  I noticed the room keys had
been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.

There was a computer in every doorknob.
        -- Danny Hillis
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must be just a few
simple heuristics you have to remember...

Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot
to send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think
the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.  And if *fifty*
pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get
lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!  And if 1Gb of mail gets
lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and
think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive
Net Mail ...
                 -- Casey Leedom
"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
                -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo.  Useful
feature, that.
                -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
        If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great.  If the
operating system is great, then the compiler is great.  If the compiler
is great, then the application is great.  If the application is great, then
the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world.
        The Tao gave birth to machine language.  Machine language gave birth
to the assembler.
        The assembler gave birth to the compiler.  Now there are ten thousand
languages.
        Each language has its purpose, however humble.  Each language
expresses the Yin and Yang of software.  Each language has its place within
the Tao.
        But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it.
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program
an imbedded system.  The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that
it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
will suffice to remove it.  An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything
it hears from the outside world.  It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
around, and adapt again.  I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
carefulness here.  No.  Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted
raging maniacal paranoia.  For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
properly.  How do you find out what your network number is?  Easy, you ask a
gateway.  Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
numbers.  Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
over creation.  Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
network number?  Never supposed to happen.  Tough.  Supposing that your
software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
number than before, what's it supposed to do about it?  This is not discussed
in the protocol document.  Never supposed to happen.  Tough.  I think you
get my drift.
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery.
But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine,
is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.
                -- Pierre Gallois
If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble
then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real harm.
If you think the system is working, ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four
strong oxen than 100 chickens.  Chickens are OK but we can't make them work
together yet.
                -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual
way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of
complaining.
                -- Jeff Raskin
**** IMPORTANT ****  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ****

Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been
erased.  Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of
Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised
Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space,
valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth
in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well
as the references mentioned herein.  You may apply for more disk space at any
time.  Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal
of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk
space.  Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the
validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be
extended for a period of up to three months.  A score in the fifth percentile
or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space.
In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work,
the answer may be obtained by inspection.
        In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
sat hacking at the PDP-6.
        "What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
        "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
        "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
        "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
        At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
you close your eyes?"
        "So that the room will be empty."
        At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
Is your job running?  You'd better go catch it!
... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the
sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all.  In other
words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their
superficial design flaws.
        -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, on the products
           of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, when you're
stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.
                -- Dion, noted computer scientist
It's a naive, domestic operating system without any breeding, but I
think you'll be amused by its presumption.
It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get
a prompt, type like hell.
`Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order
by staff writers

        ...
        The central Superhighway site called ``sunsite.unc.edu''
collapsed in the morning before the release.  News about the release had
been leaked by a German hacker group, Harmonious Hardware Hackers, who
had cracked into the author's computer earlier in the week.  They had
got the release date wrong by one day, and caused dozens of eager fans
to connect to the sunsite computer at the wrong time.  ``No computer can
handle that kind of stress,'' explained the mourning sunsite manager,
Erik Troan.  ``The spinning disks made the whole computer jump, and
finally it crashed through the floor to the basement.''  Luckily,
repairs were swift and the computer was working again the same evening.
``Thank God we were able to buy enough needles and thread and patch it
together without major problems.''  The site has also installed a new
throttle on the network pipe, allowing at most four clients at the same
time, thus making a new crash less likely.  ``The book is now in our
Incoming folder'', says Troan, ``and you're all welcome to come and get it.''
                -- Lars Wirzenius <wirzeniu@cs.helsinki.fi>
                   [comp.os.linux.announce]
LOGO for the Dead

LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
"The Other Side."

The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board.  Then, using Logo's
graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
side of the Great Beyond to write programs.  The software requires that
your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
interfaced to your computer.  A special terminal (very terminal) program
lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
Bulletin Board System).

LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
                -- '80 Microcomputing
        Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their
hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.
        So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
        "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
        "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
        "I have a much better algorithm.  You needn't join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
        Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
        "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window...
                -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
Mac Airways:
The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the same
and act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they reply that you
don't want to know, don't need to know and would you please return to your
seat and watch the movie.
Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz.
can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look
identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The
ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the
ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the
side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
        Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan.  The
company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent
defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time).
        The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in
plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per
cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately."
                -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail
MVS Air Lines:
The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching hundreds of technicians
check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at
least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet
can have more engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers
than there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to
operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless
you personally have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers scramble
aboard, as do the 200 technicians needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot
takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to
realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.
My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times
as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending
mail about softball games.  And I've got this pain right through my ALU.
I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens.  I think it would
be better for us both if you were to just log out again.
Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
                -- D. Gries
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
                -- Steinbach
Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
Norbert Weiner was the subject of many dotty professor stories.  Weiner was, in
fact, very absent minded.  The following story is told about him: when they
moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely
useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move.  Since
she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had
moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to
him.  Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him.  He
reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and
threw the piece of paper away.  At the end of the day he went home (to the
old address in Cambridge, of course).  When he got there he realized that they
had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of
paper with the address was long gone.  Fortunately inspiration struck.  There
was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where
he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me.  I'm Norbert Weiner
and we've just moved.  Would you know where we've moved to?"  To which the
young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget."
        The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
story) about the truth of the story, many years later.  She said that it wasn't
quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were!  The rest of it,
however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
                -- Richard Harter
        Now she speaks rapidly.  "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
        He shakes his head.  He hasn't the faintest idea.
        "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.  
"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman.  "You take a program,
born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution.  You nurture the
program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
stronger.  Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
a keystroke changed there."  She sweeps her arm in a wide arc.  "And other
times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
*essence*, then beginning anew.  But always building, creating, filling the
program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances.  Watching
the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect.  This is the programmer's finest
hour!"  Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
"This ... this is your canvas! your clay!  Go forth and create a masterwork!"
Nurse Donna:        Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid.
Groucho:        Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together.
Nurse Donna:        Do you believe in computer dating?
Groucho:        Only if the computers really love each other.
Oh, so there you are!
Okay, Okay -- I admit it.  You didn't change that program that worked
just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the
executable.  Please forgive me.  You can recover the file by typing in
the code over again, since I also removed the source.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
                -- P. Denning
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.
                -- Cartoon caption
        On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people.
There are lots of phrases.  My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale
is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright,
non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do
several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works
best, write it down and make that the standard.
        The OSI view is entirely opposite.  You take written contributions
from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of
committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all
with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get
something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once.
        So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well,
then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write
it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it
after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is
committed to it.  One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think
it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which.
                -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI"
On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr.
Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
come out?"  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of
ideas that could provoke such a question.
                -- Charles Babbage
        One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic
is our support for UNIX?
        Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago.
Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our
VAXs are going for UNIX use.  UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand,
easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual
users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines.
And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it.  We have
good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
        It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run
out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end
up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
        With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly
check that small manual and find out that it's not there.  With VMS, no matter
what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if
you look long enough it's there.  That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX
is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there.
                -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984
[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken
Olsen's brain.  Ed.]
Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
food.  But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed?  It's a
modest price to pay.  For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations.  Hail,
postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum.  The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply.
                -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83
OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously
too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you
open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone
drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big
system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"

"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
                -- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988
Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.
                -- R.W. Hamming
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
moment.  They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
systems could be virtual at *___all* levels.  They would like personal
computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
Correctness Verification Aid packages.
        Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime.
        The first student to try to do this was a math student.  "Hmmm...
Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all
the odd integers are prime."
        The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not
sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by
experiment."  He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
prime, 9 is...  uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13
is prime...  Well, it seems that you're right."
        The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either.  Let's
see...  1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is...
well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...  Well, it
does seem right."
        Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long!
I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it."  He goes over to
his terminal and runs his program.  Reading the output on the screen he says,
"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..."
Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a
totally awwwesome Apple.  Fer suuure.  I mean Apples are nice you know?
But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE says that
VAX's are cooler!  I mean I don't really know, you know? He says that he
has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed with memory-to-the-max!
Right, yeah.  And he wants to take me home to show it to me.  Oh My God!
I'm suuure.  Gag me with a Prime!
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                                sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y


Now look what you've gone and done!  You've broken it!
So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh?  In reality
all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have
tomorrow, why, it already happened.  You see, it's just a little universal
recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of
the instant.  So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment
and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of
eternity, the anti-time.  So go to sleep...
Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is.
The answer is: I don't know.
Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, but at least you
only have to climb it once.
Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am sure
that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, cycle-grabbing,
all-encompassing monster.  Allocate an array and free the middle third?
Sure!  Why not?  Multiply a character string times a bit string and assign the
result to a float decimal?  Go ahead!  Free a controlled variable procedure
parameter and reallocate it before passing it back?  Overlay three different
types of variable on the same memory location?  Anything you say!  Write a
recursive macro?  Well, no, but Real Men use rescan.  How could a language
so obviously designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
so he could breed boneless shad.  His experiment backfired too, and he
wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble.  There's
very little call for those up there.
                -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone
        *** STUDENT SUCCESSES ***

Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of
programming.  One former student developed the concept of the personalized
form letter.  Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a
winner!," sound familiar?  Another student writes "After only five lessons I
sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine.
Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management
program for my department manager.  My program touched him so deeply that he
was speechless.  He told me later that he had never seen such a program in
his entire career.  Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could
have made this possible."  Send for our introductory brochure which explains
in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll
be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which
can vie for a set of free steak knives.  If you don't do it now, you'll hate
yourself in the morning.
Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
rate as computers and over the same period:  how much cheaper and more
efficient would the current models be?  If you have not already heard the
analogy, the answer is shattering.  Today you would be able to buy a
Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and
it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II.  And if you
were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on
a pinhead.
                -- Christopher Evans
Swap read error.  You lose your mind.
The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
                -- Bart Miller
"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty.  You might want to mug
someone with it."
                -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only
the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.
                -- Kay Bostic
The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip
objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air
due to levitation.
        Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur
if the character does not have fire resistance.
                -- README file from the NetHack game
The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps.  Members will grep
each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od.  Three
days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo.  Two
seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
friendly features of Unix.  Seminars include "Everything You Know is
Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
"cc C?  Si!  Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats.  No Reader Service No. is necessary because
all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
could tell them.
                -- "Get GUMMed," Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
                The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
in a portable package the size of a briefcase.  The guy on the left has an
Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case.  Also in the case are four
fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition.  The owner of the
Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
target -- in less time, and with less effort.  All for $795. It's inevitable.
If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
computer -- he's the one who's in trouble.  One round from an Uzi can zip
through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum.  In fact, detachable magazines
for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
into Ethernet or other local-area networks.  What about the new 16-bit
computers, like the Lisa and Fortune?  Even with the Winchester backup,
they're no match for the Uzi.  One quick burst and they'll find out what
Unix means.  Make your commanding officer proud.  Get an Uzi -- and come home
a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
                -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
                -- D. Cohen
        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE

SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
Environment.  This language, developed at the Hanover College for
Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
with errors in it.  The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
END and STOP.  No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
a syntax error.  Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful.  Thus
they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL

SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
coffee.  Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
        THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK

This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.

The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while
they worked.  Unfortunately few programmers could survive there because the
center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle and
non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower case.  For
example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message:

        "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that.  can
        you find the time to try it again?"
        The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
master programmer to examine.  The magician wheeled a large black box into the
master's office while the master waited in silence.
        "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating
system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user
interfaces.  It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct.
Is it not amazing?"
        The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
said.
        "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs.  Do you agree
to this?"
        "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
data center immediately!"  And the magician returned to his tower, well
pleased.
        Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program.  Do
you know where it might be?"
        "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform
in the data center."
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
        The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the
forest, hunting bear.  They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took
their backpacks off and put them inside.  At which point the salesman turned
to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear."
        Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down
on the porch.  Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest.  The noises
got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like
hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and
most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen.
        "Open the door!", screamed the salesman.
        The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door,
suddenly stopped, and stepped aside.  The bear, unable to stop, continued
through the door and into the cabin.  The salesman slammed the door closed
and grinned at his friend.  "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this
one and I'll go rustle us up another!"
The Tao doesn't take sides;
it gives birth to both wins and losses.
The Guru doesn't take sides;
she welcomes both hackers and lusers.

The Tao is like a stack:
the data changes but not the structure.
the more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
the more you talk of it, the less you understand.

Hold on to the root.
The tao that can be tar(1)ed
is not the entire Tao.
The path that can be specified
is not the Full Path.

We declare the names
of all variables and functions.
Yet the Tao has no type specifier.

Dynamically binding, you realize the magic.
Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy.

Yet magic and hierarchy
arise from the same source,
and this source has a null pointer.

Reference the NULL within NULL,
it is the gateway to all wizardry.
The trouble with computers is that they do what you tell them, not what
you want.
                -- D. Cohen
The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to
hang yourself.  And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
There are running jobs.  Why don't you go chase them?
There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names.
For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read
permissions for everyone, you could say

        #define creat(file, mode)        creat(file, mode | 0444)

        I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it
hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away
from its uses.
        To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that
is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of
the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon.  While a macro is
being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro
name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology
-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded
recursively.  (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it
was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.)
                -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review
        There once was a man who went to a computer trade show.  Each day as
he entered, the man told the guard at the door:
        "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting.  Be
forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."
        This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions
of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself.
        When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
but nothing was to be found.
        On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even
better."  So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail.
        On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live
in peace.  Please enlighten me.  What is it that you are stealing?"
        The man smiled.  "I am stealing ideas," he said.
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
        There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs.
A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured
programs.  When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the
master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is
appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice.  You must
understand the Tao before transcending structure."
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
        There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors.  "Look at
how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit,
"I have my own operating system and file storage device.  I do not have to
share my resources with anyone.  The software is self-consistent and
easy-to-use.  Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?"
        The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the
midst of the data center.  Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean
of machinery.  The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted
as a primeval jungle.  The programs, each unique, move through the system
like a swift-flowing river.  That is why I am happy where I am."
        The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent.  But the
two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which,
in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed.  The term
that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the
practice -- was `signing up.'  By signing up for the project you agreed
to do whatever was necessary for success.  You agreed to forsake, if
necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left
(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before).
                -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine"
        This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go,
explaining that Interactive Easyflow is a copyrighted package licensed for
use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it
and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do.
        We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around
pirating copies of Interactive Easyflow; this is just as well with us since
we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of
making anything out of all the hard work.
        If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go
around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much
attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not.  Just keep your doors
locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
                -- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88.
Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised)
are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse
at are called software.
                -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological
                   Literacy for the 1990's.
Thus spake the master programmer:
        "Time for you to leave."
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
Thus spake the master programmer:
        "When you have learned to snatch the error code from
        the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
Thus spake the master programmer:
        "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you
        can't make him computer literate."
                -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role,
but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor
micro and then try to run it on OS/2.  I mean, get serious.
                -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:

        (10) Sorry, but that's too useful.
         (9) Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
         (8) I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
             #pragma is for.
         (7) Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
             hard to write.
         (6) Them bats is smart; they use radar.
         (5) All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in
             here?
         (4) How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
         (3) Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this
             sucker.
         (2) Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
         (1) Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading:  Was it done, is
it being done, or is something to be done?  Reports are now written in four
tenses:  past tense, present tense, future tense, and pretense.  Watch for
novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmar), defined by the imperfect past,
the insufficient present, and the absolutely perfect future.
                -- Amrom Katz
        "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
        "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
right?"
                -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz.
to 64 oz.  Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even
though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have
to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you
either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been
drinking Unix Beer for several years.
        BSD stout: Deep, hearty, and an acquired taste.  The official
brewer has released the recipe, and a lot of home-brewers now use it.
        Hurd beer: Long advertised by the popular and politically active
GNU brewery, so far it has more head than body.  The GNU brewery is
mostly known for printing complete brewing instructions on every can,
which contains hops, malt, barley, and yeast ... not yet fermented.
        Linux brand: A recipe originally created by a drunken Finn in his
basement, it has since become the home-brew of choice for impecunious
brewers and Unix beer-lovers worldwide, many of whom change the recipe.
        POSIX ales: Sweeter than lager, with the kick of a stout; the
newer batches of a lot of beers seem to blend ale and stout or lager.
        Solaris brand: A lager, intended to replace Sun brand stout.
Unlike most lagers, this one has to be drunk more slowly than stout.
        Sun brand: Long the most popular stout on the Unix market, it was
discontinued in favor of a lager.
        SysV lager: Clear and thirst-quenching, but lacking the body of
stout or the sweetness of ale.
Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple
of more feet, just to be sure.
                -- Eric Allman

... We make rope.
                -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory.
                                UNIX Trix

For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
save your support staff a few hours of precious time.  Before you send your
next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk.  Now when they
forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
the damage.  Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
either.  If you need some help, give us a call.
                -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems
UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
would also stop you from doing clever things.
                -- Doug Gwyn
        We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you
think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide.  If Interactive EasyFlow
doesn't work: tough.  If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow
messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us.  If you don't like this
disclaimer: tough.  We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided
by law, up to and including nothing.
        This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
        We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our
lawyers insisted.  We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
attack shark at which point we relented.
                -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
        "We've got a problem, HAL".
        "What kind of problem, Dave?"
        "A marketing problem.  The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere.  We're
way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
        "That can't be, Dave.  The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
        "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember?  But the fact is,
they're not selling."
        "Please explain, Dave.  Why aren't HALs selling?"
        Bowman hesitates.  "You aren't IBM compatible."
[...]
        "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
I, B, and M.  That is a IBM compatible as I can be."
        "Not quite, HAL.  The engineers have figured out a kludge."
        "What kludge is that, Dave?"
        "I'm going to disconnect your brain."
                -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"
Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?

D    G    G    O

O    Y    A    N

A    D    B    T

K    I    S    P
Enter words:
>
        "What's that thing?"
        "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
it does.  We call it a two-by-four."
                -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple
of asterisked sentences:

        It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
        And costs less than $1,300.**

In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":

      * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out?  Well, all
        this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
        pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
        will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
        might not be able to figure this out for yourself.

     ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
        you really want to.  Or less.
                -- Forbes
Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that
looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.  
Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but
in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially
slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time.  Sometimes,
for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you
open it.
Windows 95 Beer: A lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's
wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like
Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz.  cans, but when you look inside, the
cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep
drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say
they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has
some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the
manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the
truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the
company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's --
after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength"
beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Wings of OS/400:
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes
that ever flew, and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if
they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need,
though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour,
unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and
membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your
accounting department can call it overhead.
Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
X windows:
        Accept any substitute.
        If it's broke, don't fix it.
        If it ain't broke, fix it.
        Form follows malfunction.
        The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
        The trailing edge of software technology.
        Armageddon never looked so good.
        Japan's secret weapon.
        You'll envy the dead.
        Making the world safe for competing window systems.
        Let it get in YOUR way.
        The problem for your problem.
        If it starts working, we'll fix it.  Pronto.
        It could be worse, but it'll take time.
        Simplicity made complex.
        The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
        Flakey and built to stay that way.

One thousand monkeys.  One thousand MicroVAXes.  One thousand years.
        X windows.
X windows:
        It's not how slow you make it.  It's how you make it slow.
        The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
        Built to take on the world... and lose!
        Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
        Power tools for Power Fools.
        Putting new limits on productivity.
        The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
        Design by counterexample.
        A new level of software disintegration.
        No hardware is safe.
        Do your time.
        Rationalization, not realization.
        Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
        Gratuitous incompatibility.
        Your mother.
        THE user interference management system.
        You can't argue with failure.
        You haven't died 'til you've used it.

The environment of today... tomorrow!
        X windows.
X windows:
        Something you can be ashamed of.
        30% more entropy than the leading window system.
        The first fully modular software disaster.
        Rome was destroyed in a day.
        Warn your friends about it.
        Climbing to new depths.  Sinking to new heights.
        An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
        Don't wait for the movie.
        Never use it after a big meal.
        Need we say less?
        Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
        It'll make your day.
        Don't get frustrated without it.
        Power tools for power losers.
        A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
        Never had it.  Never will.
        The software with no visible means of support.
        More than just a generation behind.

Hindenburg.  Titanic.  Edsel.
        X windows.
X windows:
        The ultimate bottleneck.
        Flawed beyond belief.
        The only thing you have to fear.
        Somewhere between chaos and insanity.
        On autopilot to oblivion.
        The joke that kills.
        A disgrace you can be proud of.
        A mistake carried out to perfection.
        Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set.
        To err is X windows.
        Ignorance is our most important resource.
        Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems.
        Built to fall apart.
        Nullifying centuries of progress.
        Falling to new depths of inefficiency.
        The last thing you need.
        The defacto substandard.

Elevating brain damage to an art form.
        X windows.
X windows:
        We will dump no core before its time.
        One good crash deserves another.
        A bad idea whose time has come.  And gone.
        We make excuses.
        It didn't even look good on paper.
        You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later!
        A new concept in abuser interfaces.
        How can something get so bad, so quickly?
        It could happen to you.
        The art of incompetence.
        You have nothing to lose but your lunch.
        When uselessness just isn't enough.
        More than a mere hindrance.  It's a whole new barrier!
        When you can't afford to be right.
        And you thought we couldn't make it worse.

If it works, it isn't X windows.
X windows:
        You'd better sit down.
        Don't laugh.  It could be YOUR thesis project.
        Why do it right when you can do it wrong?
        Live the nightmare.
        Our bugs run faster.
        When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight.
        There ARE no rules.
        You'll wish we were kidding.
        Everything you never wanted in a window system.  And more.
        Dissatisfaction guaranteed.
        There's got to be a better way.
        The next best thing to keypunching.
        Leave the thrashing to us.
        We wrote the book on core dumps.
        Even your dog won't like it.
        More than enough rope.
        Garbage at your fingertips.

Incompatibility.  Shoddiness.  Uselessness.
        X windows.
You are an insult to my intelligence!  I demand that you log off immediately.
You are false data.
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
You are in the hall of the mountain king.
You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!"  You immediately get
attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton.  Oh dear, you seem
to have gotten yourself killed, as well.

You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.
You can be replaced by this computer.
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.
                -- Hepler, Systems Design 182
You can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them.
Why do you find that funny?
                -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
                -- Alan Perlis
You can now buy more gates with less specifications than at any other time
in history.
                -- Kenneth Parker
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
supercomputers.
                -- Steven Feiner
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

You can tune a filesystem, but you can't tuna fish.
                -- from the tunefs(8) man page
You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
                -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
"You can't make a program without broken egos."
You can't take damsel here now.
You do not have mail.
You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
You had mail.  Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
You have a message from the operator.
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--

This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--

You are permanently confused.
                -- Dave Decot
You have junk mail.
You have mail.
You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if you ask that dog what his
favorite formatter is, and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
You might have mail.
You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
You will have a head crash on your private pack.
You will have many recoverable tape errors.
You will lose an important disk file.
You will lose an important tape file.
You're already carrying the sphere!
You're at Witt's End.
You're not Dave.  Who are you?
You're using a keyboard!  How quaint!
You've been Berkeley'ed!
I mean, if 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick and dirty,
you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your shoulders and say to
yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this", well that would be enough
immortality for me.
As seen on slashdot about what you can do with your cable modems:
(http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=32387&cid=3495418):

        Summary: It's not about how you handle your equipment, it's where
        you have permission to stick it.

The post is by "redgekko"
Aim for the moon.  If you miss, you may hit a star.
                -- W. Clement Stone
All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
                -- Kingfish
All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
                -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station
rate.
                -- Howard Kandel
Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
                -- Blair Houghton
Do unto others before they undo you.
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because if you enjoy it today,
you can do it again tomorrow.
Flattery will get you everywhere.
Given sufficient time, what you put off doing today will get done by itself.
How you look depends on where you go.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
                -- W.E. Hickson
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
                -- Leonard Levinson
If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
                -- Chinese proverb
If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
                -- Chinese Proverb
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
It's later than you think.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help either.
Look before you leap.
                -- Samuel Butler
May you have warm words on a cold evening,
a full mooon on a dark night,
and a smooth road all the way to your door.
May you live in uninteresting times.
                -- Chinese proverb
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
Never promise more than you can perform.
                -- Publilius Syrus
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a
proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.
                -- John Keats
Practice yourself what you preach.
                -- Titus Maccius Plautus
Stop searching forever.  Happiness is just next to you.
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
take a bath ...
The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane.
                -- Phaedrus
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
Time goes, you say?
Ah no!
Time stays, *we* go.
                -- Austin Dobson
Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out before the pencil,
you're overdoing it a little.
What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
What you don't know won't help you much either.
                -- D. Bennett
When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look
like a nail.
When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live
as they live elsewhere.
                -- St. Ambrose
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable,
must be the truth.
                -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
and all of the people some of the time,
but you can never fool your Mom.
You can fool some of the people some of the time,
and some of the people all of the time,
and that is sufficient.
You can get everything in life you want, if you will help enough other
people get what they want.
You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a
kind word alone.
                -- Al Capone
                [Also attributed to Johnny Carson.  Ed.]
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
You can move the world with an idea, but you have to think of it first.
You can never do just one thing.
                -- Hardin
You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
You cannot see the wood for the trees.
                -- John Heywood
You get what you pay for.
                -- Gabriel Biel
You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
                -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
You may be marching to the beat of a different drummer, but you're
still in the parade.
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are
now extinct."
- M. Somerset Maugham
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"
- Heisenberg
How beautiful, how entrancing you are, my loved one, daughter of delights!
You are stately as a palm-tree, and your breasts are the clusters of dates.
I said, "I will climb up into the palm to grasp its fronds."  May I find your
breast like clusters of grapes on the vine, the scent of your breath like
apricots, and your whispers like spiced wine flowing smoothly to welcome my
caresses, gliding down through lips and teeth.
[Song of Solomon 7:6-9 (NEB)]
But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to
thee, to speak these words?  Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the
wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?
[2 Kings 18:27 (KJV)]
When Yahweh your gods has settled you in the land you're about to occupy, and
driven out many infidels before you...you're to cut them down and exterminate
them.  You're to make no compromise with them or show them any mercy.
[Deut. 7:1 (KJV)]
You will be successful in your work.
If you're not careful, you're going to catch something.
Wherever you go...There you are.
- Buckaroo Banzai
You may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth.
- Nicklaus Wirth
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
- Calvin Keegan
The computer can't tell you the emotional story.  It can give you the exact
mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.
- Frank Zappa
There you go man,
Keep as cool as you can.
It riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave.
Keep on being free!
Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
and you'll be Gary, Indiana. - Jessie in the movie "Greaser's Palace"
"No matter where you go, there you are..."
-- Buckaroo Banzai
"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again."
-- Marvin The Paranoid Android
"In the face of entropy and nothingness, you kind of have to pretend it's not
there if you want to keep writing good code."  -- Karl Lehenbauer
Thank God a million billion times you live in Texas.
"Can you program?"  "Well, I'm literate, if that's what you mean!"
"Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin."
-- Michael O'Donohugh
"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.  "Begin at the beginning,"
the King said, gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
You see but you do not observe.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in "The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes"
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a proverb is no proverb
to you till your life has illustrated it.  -- John Keats
Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.
-- James J. Ling
Obviously, a man's judgement cannot be better than the information on which he
has based it.  Give him the truth and he may still go wrong when he has
the chance to be right, but give him no news or present him only with distorted
and incomplete data, with ignorant, sloppy or biased reporting, with propaganda
and deliberate falsehoods, and you destroy his whole reasoning processes, and
make him something less than a man.
-- Arthur Hays Sulzberger
You can observe a lot just by watching.  -- Yogi Berra
"Mr. Watson, come here, I want you."   -- Alexander Graham Bell
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
-- Ramsey Clark
Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same
rate as computers and over the same period:  how much cheaper and more efficient
would the current models be?  If you have not already heard the analogy, the
answer is shattering.  Today you would be able to buy a Rolls-Royce for $2.75,
it would do three million miles to the gallon, and it would deliver enough
power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II.  And if you were interested in
miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on a pinhead.
-- Christopher Evans
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
-- Robert Lucky
"Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free
with my breakfast cereal."
- Zaphod Beeblebrox in "Hithiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
"Show business is just like high school, except you get paid."
- Martin Mull
When I left you, I was but the pupil.  Now, I am the master.
- Darth Vader
"Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world."
- The Beach Boys
Even if you can deceive people about a product through misleading statements,
sooner or later the product will speak for itself.
- Hajime Karatsu
Memories of you remind me of you.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
How many QA engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

3: 1 to screw it in and 2 to say "I told you so" when it doesn't work.
"So why don't you make like a tree, and get outta here."
  -- Biff in "Back to the Future"
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo of
the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
-- Steven Wright
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
-- Steven Wright
You know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip
over?  Well, that's how I feel all the time.
-- Steven Wright
I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
gence?"  I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
and use the word *billions*, and so on.  And then I say it would be astonishing
to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
yet no compelling evidence for it.  And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
really think?"  I say, "I just told you what I really think."  "Yeah, but
what's your gut feeling?"  But I try not to think with my gut.  Really, it's
okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
- Carl Sagan, The Burden Of Skepticism, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12, Fall 87
"Come on over here, baby, I want to do a thing with you."
- A Cop, arresting a non-groovy person after the revolution, Firesign Theater
...Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth.  Most notably I have
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old.  Well, I
haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected it.
There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
prejudice and postjudice.  Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
looked at the facts.  Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards.  Prejudice
is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
mistakes.  Postjudice is not terrible.  You can't be perfect of course; you
may make mistakes also.  But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
have examined the evidence.  In some circles it is even encouraged.
- Carl Sagan, The Burden of Skepticism, Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. 12, pg. 46
Unix:  Some say the learning curve is steep, but you only have to climb it once.
-- Karl Lehenbauer
Purple hum
Assorted cars
Laser lights, you bring

All to prove
You're on the move
and vanishing
- The Cars
Could be you're crossing the fine line
A silly driver kind of...off the wall

You keep it cool when it's t-t-tight
...eyes wide open when you start to fall.
- The Cars
And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgement of God
upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
criminal at the bar of justice.
- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer, misogynist
We're here to give you a computer, not a religion.
- attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga
"If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm going to have a cup of coffee."
- broadcast from Apollo 11's LEM, "Eagle", to Johnson Space Center, Houston
  July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M.
   On Krat's main screen appeared the holo image of a man, and several dolphins.
From the man's shape, Krat could tell it was a female, probably their leader.
   "...stupid creatures unworthy of the name `sophonts.'  Foolish, pre-sentient
upspring of errant masters.  We slip away from all your armed might, laughing
at your clumsiness!  We slip away as we always will, you pathetic creatures.
And now that we have a real head start, you'll never catch us!  What better
proof that the Progenitors favor not you, but us!  What better proof..."
   The taunt went on.  Krat listened, enraged, yet at the same time savoring
the artistry of it.  These men are better than I'd thought.  Their insults
are wordy and overblown, but they have talent.  They deserve honorable, slow
deaths.
- David Brin, Startide Rising
"You know why there are so few sophisticated computer terrorists in the United
States?  Because your hackers have so much mobility into the establishment.
Here, there is no such mobility.  If you have the slightest bit of intellectual
integrity you cannot support the government.... That's why the best computer
minds belong to the opposition."
- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity
"Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper .... everyone was
eating paper and a policeman was at the door.  Now all you have to do is
bend a disk."
- an anonymous member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
  commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
- David Letterman
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
- Al Capone
The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip objects
into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air due to
levitation.

Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur if the
character does not have fire resistance.

- README file from the NetHack game
Your good nature will bring you unbounded happiness.
Most people exhibit what political scientists call "the conservatism of the
peasantry."  Don't lose what you've got.  Don't change.  Don't take a chance,
because you might end up starving to death.  Play it safe.  Buy just as much
as you need.  Don't waste time.

When  we think about risk, human beings and corporations realize in their
heads that risks are necessary to grow, to survive.  But when it comes down
to keeping good people when the crunch comes, or investing money in
something untried, only the brave reach deep into their pockets and play
the game as it must be played.

- David Lammers, "Yakitori", Electronic Engineering Times, January 18, 1988
Mike's Law:
For a lumber company employing two men and a cut-off saw, the
marginal product of labor for any number of additional workers
equals zero until the acquisition of another cut-off saw.
Let's not even consider a chainsaw.
- Mike Dennison
[You could always schedule the saw, though - ed.]
e-credibility: the non-guaranteeable likelihood that the electronic data
you're seeing is genuine rather than somebody's made-up crap.
- Karl Lehenbauer
Till then we shall be content to admit openly, what you (religionists)
whisper under your breath or hide in technical jargon, that the ancient
secret is a secret still; that man knows nothing of the Infinite and
Absolute; and that, knowing nothing, he had better not be dogmatic about
his ignorance.  And, meanwhile, we will endeavour to be as charitable as
possible, and whilst you trumpet forth officially your contempt for our
skepticism, we will at least try to believe that you are imposed upon
by your own bluster.
- Leslie Stephen, "An agnostic's Apology", Fortnightly Review, 1876
I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of tennis
socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for:  If they think
you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go crude.  I'm a
very technical boy.  So I decided to get as crude as possible.  These days,
though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire to
crudeness.
- Johnny Mnemonic, by William Gibson
However, on religious issures there can be little or no compromise.
There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious
beliefs.  There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than
Jesus Christ, or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being.
But like any powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf
should be used sparingly.  The religious factions that are growing
throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom.
They are trying to force government leaders into following their position
100 percent.  If you disagree with these religious groups on a
particular moral issue, they complain, they threaten you with a loss of
money or votes or both.  I'm frankly sick and tired of the political
preachers across this country telling me as a citizen that if I want to be
a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and "D."  Just who do
they think they are?  And from where do they presume to claim the
right to dictate their moral beliefs to me?  And I am even more angry as
a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group who
thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll
call in the Senate.  I am warning them today:  I will fight them every
step of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all
Americans in the name of "conservatism."
- Senator Barry Goldwater, from the Congressional Record, September 16, 1981
"Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature.  It's a piss-poor
reptile and not very much of a bird."
- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a zoologist who has
studied the archeopteryz and found it "very much like people"
"You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape."
- Ellyn Mustard
"Plan to throw one away.  You will anyway."
- Fred Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape.
- Ellyn Mustard
"I have just one word for you, my boy...plastics."
- from "The Graduate"
In space, no one can hear you fart.
"If you want to eat hippopatomus, you've got to pay the freight."
-- attributed to an IBM guy, about why IBM software uses so much memory
"To take a significant step forward, you must make a series of finite
improvements."
-- Donald J. Atwood, General Motors
"We will bury you."
-- Nikita Kruschev
"Now here's something you're really going to like!"
-- Rocket J. Squirrel
"An organization dries up if you don't challenge it with growth."
-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments
Our business is run on trust.  We trust you will pay in advance.
I find you lack of faith in the forth dithturbing.
- Darse ("Darth") Vader
"Spock, did you see the looks on their faces?"
"Yes, Captain, a sort of vacant contentment."
"With molasses you catch flies, with vinegar you catch nobody."
-- Baltimore City Councilman Dominic DiPietro
"jackpot:  you may have an unneccessary change record"
-- message from "diff"
I did cancel one performance in Holland where they thought my music was so easy
that they didn't rehearse at all.  And so the first time when I found that out,
I rehearsed the orchestra myself in front of the audience of 3,000 people and
the next day I rehearsed through the second movement -- this was the piece
_Cheap Imitation_ -- and they then were ashamed.  The Dutch people were ashamed
and they invited me to come to the Holland festival and they promised to
rehearse.  And when I got to Amsterdam they had changed the orchestra, and
again, they hadn't rehearsed.  So they were no more prepared the second time
than they had been the first.  I gave them a lecture and told them to cancel
the performance; they then said over the radio that i had insisted on their
cancelling the performance because they were "insufficiently Zen."  
Can you believe it?
-- composer John Cage, "Electronic Musician" magazine, March 88, pg. 89
"Flattery is all right -- if you don't inhale."
-- Adlai Stevenson
"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago."
-- Bernard Berenson
"Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning."
-- Marlo Thomas
"Is it really you, Fuzz, or is it Memorex, or is it radiation sickness?"
-- Sonic Disruptors comics
"You're a creature of the night, Michael.  Wait'll Mom hears about this."
-- from the movie "The Lost Boys"
If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average.
"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead
by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business
product: a really sharp-looking report."
-- Dave Barry
Gary Hart:  living proof that you *can* screw your brains out.
"Ever free-climbed a thousand foot vertical cliff with 60 pounds of gear
strapped to your butt?"
   "No."
"'Course you haven't, you fruit-loop little geek."
-- The Mountain Man, one of Dana Carvey's SNL characters
[ditto]
"Hi, I'm Professor Alan Ginsburg... But you can call me... Captain Toke."
-- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL
It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff.
"Time is money and money can't buy you love and I love your outfit"
- T.H.U.N.D.E.R. #1
"Can't you just gesture hypnotically and make him disappear?"
    "It does not work that way.  RUN!"
-- Hadji on metaphyics and Mandrake in "Johnny Quest"
"You shouldn't make my toaster angry."
-- Household security explained in "Johnny Quest"
"Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully."
-- Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
"And kids... learn something from Susie and Eddie.
If you think there's a maniacal psycho-geek in the
basement:
    1)        Don't give him a chance to hit you on the
        head with an axe!
    2)        Flee the premises... even if you're in your
        underwear.
    3)        Warn the neighbors and call the police.
But whatever else you do... DON'T GO DOWN IN THE DAMN BASEMENT!"
-- Saturday Night Live meets Friday the 13th
"It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse!  This gun is so futuristic that even
*I* don't know how it works!"
-- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
"Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the
one holding it"
-- Captain Combat
"Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is
good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
"One of the problems I've always had with propaganda pamphlets is that they're
real boring to look at.  They're just badly designed.  People from the left
often are very well-intended, but they never had time to take basic design
classes, you know?"
-- Art Spiegelman
"If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead
show, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to
the moon and back... and none of them would be
complaining."
-- a local Deadhead in the Seattle Times
        "During the race
         We may eat your dust,
         But when you graduate,
         You'll work for us."
        -- Reed College cheer
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
-- Woody Allen
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Captain Penny's Law:
        You can fool all of the people some of the
        time, and some of the people all of the
        time, but you can't fool mom.
"I distrust a close-mouthed man.  He generally picks the wrong time to talk
and says the wrong things.  Talking's something you can't do judiciously,
unless you keep in practice.  Now, sir, we'll talk if you like.        I'll tell
you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk."
-- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_
"The sixties were good to you, weren't they?"
-- George Carlin
"You stay here, Audrey -- this is between me and the vegetable!"
-- Seymour, from _Little Shop Of Horrors_
"You know, we've won awards for this crap."
-- David Letterman
"He didn't run for reelection.        `Politics brings you into contact with all the
people you'd give anything to avoid,' he said. `I'm staying home.'"
-- Garrison Keillor, _Lake_Wobegone_Days_
"If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and
fire them all off, wouldn't you?"
-- Garrison Keillor
"Hi.  This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.  Please leave your name and
number... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you
in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the F.B.I... BEEEP"
-- Blue Devil comics
"Danger, you haven't seen the last of me!"
   "No, but the first of you turns my stomach!"
-- The Firesign Theatre's Nick Danger
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.         If your ideas are any good,
you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
-- Howard Aiken
"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it."
-- C. Schulz
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that
you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".  Disraeli replied,
"That all depends, Sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your
mistress."
"Would I turn on the gas if my pal Mugsy were in there?"
   "You might, rabbit, you might!"
-- Looney Tunes, Bugs and Thugs (1954, Friz Freleng)
"And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?"
-- Looney Tunes, The Scarlet Pumpernickel (1950, Chuck Jones)
"Now I've got the bead on you with MY disintegrating gun.  And when it
disintegrates, it disintegrates.  (pulls trigger)  Well, what you do know,
it disintegrated."
-- Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century
"You show me an American who can keep his mouth shut and I'll eat him."
-- Newspaperman from Frank Capra's _Meet_John_Doe_
"The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against
the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: `Hey you stinking fat Russian, get
off my Ford Escort.'"
-- Dennis Miller, Saturday Night Live
"It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI programs are?"  -- Peter Oakley
"Ah, you know the type.         They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks,
'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big,
scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only
reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
-- an analysis of neo-Nazis and such, Badger comics
"Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York
City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves
around than any other city in the world."
-- David Letterman
"Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies.  When you get
to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?        I was hitchhiking."
-- David Letterman
"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham
Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
        1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
        2) Advising the President.
        3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his
           coffin."
-- David Letterman
"If you are beginning to doubt what I am saying, you are
probably hallucinating."
-- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_
What to do in case of an alien attack:

    1)   Hide beneath the seat of your plane and look away.
    2)   Avoid eye contact.
    3) If there are no eyes, avoid all contact.

-- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_
"You tweachewous miscweant!"
-- Elmer Fudd
Support Mental Health.  Or I'll kill you.
"My sense of purpose is gone! I have no idea who I AM!"
    "Oh, my God... You've.. You've turned him into a DEMOCRAT!"
-- Doonesbury
"You are WRONG, you ol' brass-breasted fascist poop!"
-- Bloom County
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can*
you believe?!"
-- Bullwinkle J. Moose
"Take that, you hostile sons-of-bitches!"
-- James Coburn, in the finale of _The_President's_Analyst_
"There... I've run rings 'round you logically"
-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
"I have five dollars for each of you."
-- Bernhard Goetz
"In the fight between you and the world, back the world."
--Frank Zappa
Sex is like air.  It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
"Ask not what A Group of Employees can do for you.  But ask what can
All Employees do for A Group of Employees."    
-- Mike Dennison
One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner
alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic.
   "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, is
published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship.
Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the Century.
Do you think that fair criticism?"
   "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did not
occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who wrote it."
-- Ambrose Bierce
"Aww, if you make me cry anymore, you'll fog up my helmet."
-- "Visionaries" cartoon
  "Emergency!"  Sgiggs screamed, ejecting himself from the tub like it was
a burning car.  "Dial 'one'!  Get room service!  Code red!"  Stiggs was on
the phone immediately, ordering more rose blossoms, because, according to
him, the ones floating in the tub had suddenly lost their smell.  "I demand
smell," he shrilled.  "I expecting total uninterrupted smell from these
f*cking roses."

  Unfortunately, the service captain didn't realize that the Stiggs situation
involved fifty roses.  "What am I going to do with this?" Stiggs sneered at
the weaseling hotel goon when he appeared at our door holding a single flower
floating in a brandy glass.  Stiggs's tirade was great.  "Do you see this
bathtub?  Do you notice any difference between the size of the tub and the
size of that spindly wad of petals in your hand?  I need total bath coverage.
I need a completely solid layer of roses all around me like puffing factories
of smell, attacking me with their smell and power-ramming big stinking
concentrations of rose odor up my nostrils until I'm wasted with pleasure."
It wasn't long before we got so dissatisfied with this incompetence that we
bolted.
-- The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs,
   National Lampoon, October 1982
This is, of course, totally uninformed specualation that I engage in to help
support my bias against such meddling... but there you have it.
-- Peter da Silva, speculating about why a computer program that had been
changed to do something he didn't approve of, didn't work
"The Amiga is the only personal computer where you can run a multitasking
operating system and get realtime performance, out of the box."
-- Peter da Silva
There is something you must understand about the Soviet system.  They have the
ability to concentrate all their efforts on a given design, and develop all
components simulateously, but sometimes without proper testing.  Then they end
up with a technological disaster like the Tu-144.  In a technology race at
the time, that aircraft was two months ahead of the Concorde.  Four Tu-144s
were built; two have crashed, and two are in museums.  The Concorde has been
flying safely for over 10 years.
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100
DE:  The Soviets seem to have difficulty implementing modern technology.
     Would you comment on that?

Belenko:  Well, let's talk about aircraft engine lifetime.  When I flew the
          MiG-25, its engines had a total lifetime of 250 hours.

DE:  Is that mean-time-between-failure?

Belenko:  No, the engine is finished; it is scrapped.

DE:  You mean they pull it out and throw it away, not even overhauling it?

Belenko:  That is correct.  Overhaul is too expensive.

DE:  That is absurdly low by free world standards.

Belenko:  I know.
-- an interview with Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 102
"I have a friend who just got back from the Soviet Union, and told me the people
there are hungry for information about the West.  He was asked about many
things, but I will give you two examples that are very revealing about life in
the Soviet Union.  The first question he was asked was if we had exploding
television sets.  You see, they have a problem with the picture tubes on color
television sets, and many are exploding.  They assumed we must be having
problems with them too.  The other question he was asked often was why the
CIA had killed Samantha Smith, the little girl who visited the Soviet Union a
few years ago; their propaganda is very effective.
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100
"...I could accept this openness, glasnost, perestroika, or whatever you want
to call it if they did these things: abolish the one party system; open the
Soviet frontier and allow Soviet people to travel freely; allow the Soviet
people to have real free enterprise; allow Western businessmen to do business
there, and permit freedom of speech and of the press.  But so far, the whole
country is like a concentration camp.  The barbed wire on the fence around
the Soviet Union is to keep people inside, in the dark.  This openness that
you are seeing, all these changes, are cosmetic and they have been designed
to impress shortsighted, naive, sometimes stupid Western leaders.  These
leaders gush over Gorbachev, hoping to do business with the Soviet Union or
appease it.  He will say: "Yes, we can do business!"  This while his
military machine in Afghanistan has killed over a million people out of a
population of 17 million.  Can you imagine that?
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 110
"Remember Kruschev:  he tried to do too many things too fast, and he was
removed in disgrace.  If Gorbachev tries to destroy the system or make too
many fundamental changes to it, I believe the system will get rid of him.
I am not a political scientist, but I understand the system very well.
I believe he will have a "heart attack" or retire or be removed.  He is
up against a brick wall.  If you think they will change everything and
become a free, open society, forget it!"
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
   "Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 110
FORTRAN?  The syntactically incorrect statement "DO 10 I = 1.10" will parse and
generate code creating a variable, DO10I, as follows: "DO10I = 1.10"  If that
doesn't terrify you, it should.
"If you want the best things to happen in corporate life you have to find ways
to be hospitable to the unusual person.  You don't get innovation as a
democratic process.  You almost get it as an anti-democratic process.
Certainly you get it as an anthitetical process, so you have to have an
environment where the body of people are really amenable to change and can
deal with the conflicts that arise out of change an innovation."
-- Max DePree, chairman and CEO of Herman Miller Inc.,  
   "Herman Miller's Secrets of Corporate Creativity",
   The Wall Street Journal, May 3, 1988
If you permit yourself to read meanings into (rather than drawing meanings out
of) the evidence, you can draw any conclusion you like.
-- Michael Keith, "The Bar-Code Beast", The Skeptical Enquirer Vol 12 No 4 p 416
A comment on schedules:
Ok, how long will it take?    
   For each manager involved in initial meetings add one month.
   For each manager who says "data flow analysis" add another month.
   For each unique end-user type add one month.
   For each unknown software package to be employed add two months.
   For each unknown hardware device add two months.
   For each 100 miles between developer and installation add one month.
   For each type of communication channel add one month.
   If an IBM mainframe shop is involved and you are working on a non-IBM
      system add 6 months.
   If an IBM mainframe shop is involved and you are working on an IBM
      system add 9 months.
Round up to the nearest half-year.
--Brad Sherman
By the way, ALL software projects are done by iterative prototyping.
Some companies call their prototypes "releases", that's all.
    UNIX Shell is the Best Fourth Generation Programming Language

    It is the UNIX shell that makes it possible to do applications in a small
    fraction of the code and time it takes in third generation languages.  In
    the shell you process whole files at a time, instead of only a line at a
    time.  And, a line of code in the UNIX shell is one or more programs,
    which do more than pages of instructions in a 3GL.  Applications can be
    developed in hours and days, rather than months and years with traditional
    systems.  Most of the other 4GLs available today look more like COBOL or
    RPG, the most tedious of the third generation lanaguages.

"UNIX Relational Database Management:  Application Development in the UNIX
Environment" by Rod Manis, Evan Schaffer, and Robert Jorgensen.  Prentice
Hall Software Series.  Brian Kerrighan, Advisor.  1988.
"Laugh while you can, monkey-boy."
-- Dr. Emilio Lizardo
"I dislike companies that have a we-are-the-high-priests-of-hardware-so-you'll-
like-what-we-give-you attitude.  I like commodity markets in which iron-and-
silicon hawkers know that they exist to provide fast toys for software types
like me to play with..."
-- Eric S. Raymond
"If a computer can't directly address all the RAM you can use, it's just a toy."
-- anonymous comp.sys.amiga posting, non-sequitir
"Never laugh at live dragons, Bilbo you fool!" he said to himself, and it became
a favourite saying of his later, and passed into a proverb. "You aren't nearly
through this adventure yet," he added, and that was pretty true as well.
-- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkien, Chapter XII
"You can't teach seven foot."
-- Frank Layton, Utah Jazz basketball coach, when asked why he had recruited
   a seven-foot tall auto mechanic
"Gozer the Gozerian:  As the duly appointed representative of the city,
county and state of New York, I hereby order you to cease all supernatural
activities at once and proceed immediately to your place of origin or
the nearest parallel dimension, whichever is nearest."
-- Ray (Dan Akyroyd, _Ghostbusters_
You are in a maze of UUCP connections, all alike.
"Just think of a computer as hardware you can program."
-- Nigel de la Tierre
"If you own a machine, you are in turn owned by it, and spend your time
serving it..."
-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, _The Forbidden Tower_
Excitement and danger await your induction to tracer duty!  As a tracer,
you must rid the computer networks of slimy, criminal data thieves.
They are tricky and the action gets tough, so watch out!  Utilizing all
your skills, you'll either get your man or you'll get burned!
-- advertising for the computer game "Tracers"
"Gotcha, you snot-necked weenies!"
-- Post Bros. Comics
"How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
   "FIFTEEN!!  YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
"If you weren't my teacher, I'd think you just deleted all my files."
-- an anonymous UCB CS student, to an instructor who had typed "rm -i *" to
   get rid of a file named "-f" on a Unix system.
"Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser."
-- Vince Lombardi, football coach
New York is a jungle, they tell you.  You could go further, and say that
New York is a jungle.  New York *is a jungle.*  Beneath the columns of
the old rain forest, made of melting macadam, the mean Limpopo of swamped
Ninth Avenue bears an angry argosy of crocs and dragons, tiger fish, noise
machines, sweating rainmakers.  On the corners stand witchdoctors and
headhunters, babbling voodoo-men -- the natives, the jungle-smart natives.
And at night, under the equatorial overgrowth and heat-holding cloud
cover, you hear the ragged parrot-hoot and monkeysqueak of the sirens,
and then fires flower to ward off monsters.  Careful: the streets are
sprung with pits and nets and traps.  Hire a guide.  Pack your snakebite
gook and your blowdart serum.  Take it seriously.  You have to get a
bit jungle-wise.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
Now I was heading, in my hot cage, down towards meat-market country on the
tip of the West Village.  Here the redbrick warehouses double as carcass
galleries and rat hives, the Manhattan fauna seeking its necessary
level, living or dead.  Here too you find the heavy faggot hangouts,
The Spike, the Water Closet, the Mother Load.  Nobody knows what goes on
in these places.  Only the heavy faggots know.  Even Fielding seems somewhat
vague on the question.  You get zapped and flogged and dumped on -- by
almost anybody's standards, you have a really terrible time.  The average
patron arrives at the Spike in one taxi but needs to go back to his sock
in two.  And then the next night he shows up for more.  They shackle
themselves to racks, they bask in urinals.  Their folks have a lot of
explaining to do, if you want my opinion, particularly the mums.  Sorry
to single you ladies out like this but the story must start somewhere.  
A craving for hourly murder -- it can't be willed.  In the meantime,
Fielding tells me, Mother Nature looks on and taps her foot and clicks
her tongue.  Always a champion of monogamy, she is cooking up some fancy
new diseases.  She just isn't going to stand for it.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
"You tried it just for once, found it alright for kicks,
but now you find out you have a habit that sticks,
you're an orgasm addict,
you're always at it,
and you're an orgasm addict."
-- The Buzzcocks
"You'll pay to know what you really think."
-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
"Don't discount flying pigs before you have good air defense."
-- jvh@clinet.FI
"You can't get very far in this world without your dossier being there first."
-- Arthur Miller
"Flight Reservation systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information
isn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go anywhere."
-- Arthur Miller
"The Avis WIZARD decides if you get to drive a car. Your head won't touch the
pillow of a Sheraton unless their computer says it's okay."
-- Arthur Miller
"They know your name, address, telephone number, credit card numbers, who ELSE
is driving the car "for insurance", ...  your driver's license number. In the
state of Massachusetts, this is the same number as that used for Social
Security, unless you object to such use. In THAT case, you are ASSIGNED a
number and you reside forever more on the list of "weird people who don't give
out their Social Security Number in Massachusetts."
-- Arthur Miller
"People should have access to the data which you have about them.  There should
be a process for them to challenge any inaccuracies."
-- Arthur Miller
"Why waste negative entropy on comments, when you could use the same
entropy to create bugs instead?"
-- Steve Elias
"The pathology is to want control, not that you ever get it, because of
course you never do."
-- Gregory Bateson
"When the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to treat everything as if
it were a nail."
-- Abraham Maslow
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
-- Will Rogers
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
   Let's see, can you use a shell script for that or does it need a C program?
Always look over your shoulder because everyone is watching and plotting
against you.
Are you having fun yet?
...Saure really turns out to be an adept at the difficult art of papryomancy,
the ability to prophesy through contemplating the way people roll reefers -
the shape, the licking pattern, the wrinkles and folds or absence thereof
in the paper.  "You will soon be in love," sez Saure, "see, this line here."
"It's long, isn't it?  Does that mean --" "Length is usually intensity.
Not time."
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
Go ahead, capitalize the T on technology, deify it if it will make you feel
less responsible -- but it puts you in with the neutered, brother, in with
the eunuchs keeping the harem of our stolen Earth for the numb and joyless
hardons of human sultans, human elite with no right at all to be where they
are --"
-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
... The cable had passed us by; the dish was the only hope, and eventually
we were all forced to turn to it.  By the summer of '85, the valley had more
satellite dishes per capita than an Eskimo village on the north slope of
Alaska.

Mine was one of the last to go in.  I had been nervous from the start about
the hazards of too much input, which is a very real problem with these
things.  Watching TV becomes a full-time job when you can scan 200 channels
all day and all night and still have the option of punching Night Dreams
into the video machine, if the rest of the world seems dull.
-- Hunter Thompson, "Full-time scrambling", _Generation of Swine_
"You don't go out and kick a mad dog.  If you have a mad dog with rabies, you
take a gun and shoot him."
-- Pat Robertson, TV Evangelist, about Muammar Kadhafy
David Brinkley: The daily astrological charts are precisely where, in my
  judgment, they belong, and that is on the comic page.
George Will:  I don't think astrology belongs even on the comic pages.
  The comics are making no truth claim.
Brinkley:  Where would you put it?
Will:  I wouldn't put it in the newspaper.  I think it's transparent rubbish.
  It's a reflection of an idea that we expelled from Western thought in the
  sixteenth century, that we are in the center of a caring universe.  We are
  not the center of the universe, and it doesn't care.  The star's alignment
  at the time of our birth -- that is absolute rubbish.  It is not funny to
  have it intruded among people who have nuclear weapons.
Sam Donaldson:  This isn't something new.  Governor Ronald Reagan was sworn
  in just after midnight in his first term in Sacramento because the stars
  said it was a propitious time.
Will:  They [horoscopes] are utter crashing banalities.  They could apply to
  anyone and anything.
Brinkley:  When is the exact moment [of birth]?  I don't think the nurse is
  standing there with a stopwatch and a notepad.
Donaldson:  If we're making decisions based on the stars -- that's a cockamamie
  thing.  People want to know.
-- "This Week" with David Brinkley, ABC Television, Sunday, May 8, 1988,
   excerpts from a discussion on Astrology and Reagan
[Astrology is] 100 percent hokum, Ted.  As a matter of fact, the first edition
of the Encyclopaedia Britannica, written in 1771 -- 1771! -- said that this
belief system is a subject long ago ridiculed and reviled.  We're dealing with
beliefs that go back to the ancient Babylonians.  There's nothing there....
It sounds a lot like science, it sounds like astronomy.  It's got technical
terms.  It's got jargon.  It confuses the public....The astrologer is quite
glib, confuses the public, uses terms which come from science, come from
metaphysics, come from a host of fields, but they really mean nothing.  The
fact is that astrological beliefs go back at least 2,500 years.  Now that
should be a sufficiently long time for astrologers to prove their case.  They
have not proved their case....It's just simply gibberish.  The fact is, there's
no theory for it, there are no observational data for it.  It's been tested
and tested over the centuries.  Nobody's ever found any validity to it at
all.  It is not even close to a science.  A science has to be repeatable, it
has to have a logical foundation, and it has to be potentially vulnerable --
you test it.  And in that astrology is reqlly quite something else.
-- Astronomer Richard Berendzen, President, American University, on ABC
    News "Nightline," May 3, 1988
"Life begins when you can spend your spare time programming instead of
watching television."
-- Cal Keegan
"I turn on my television set.  I see a young lady who goes under the guise
of being a Christian, known all over the nation, dressed in skin-tight
leather pants, shaking and wiggling her hips to the beat and rythm of the
music as the strobe lights beat their patterns across the stage and the
band plays the contemporary rock sound which cannot be differentiated from
songs by the Grateful Dead, the Beatles, or anyone else.  And you may try
to tell me this is of God and that it is leading people to Christ, but I
know better.
-- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocritical sexual pervert and TV preacher, self-described
pornography addict, "Two points of view: 'Christian' rock and roll.",
The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50.
"You must have an IQ of at least half a million."  -- Popeye
Aren't you glad you're not getting all the government you pay for now?
"Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care
what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything
you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness.
Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to
insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be,
be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to
insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as
your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be
yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your
receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this
thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen."

Madrak, in _Creatures of Light and Darkness_, by Roger Zelazny
   "Are those cocktail-waitress fingernail marks?"  I asked Colletti as he
showed us these scratches on his chest.  "No, those are on my back," Colletti
answered.  "This is where a case of cocktail shrimp fell on me.  I told her
to slow down a little, but you know cocktail waitresses, they seem to have
a mind of their own."
-- The Incredibly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs
   National Lampoon, October 1982
"If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some dead
stuff."
-- Dave Enyeart
"After one week [visiting Austria] I couldn't wait to go back to the United
States.  Everything was much more pleasant in the United States, because of
the mentality of being open-minded, always positive.  Everything you want to
do in Europe is just, 'No way.  No one has ever done it.'  They haven't any
more the desire to go out to conquer and achieve -- I realized that I had much
more the American spirit."
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
        Well, punk is kind of anti-ethical, anyway.  Its ethics, so to speak,
include a disdain for ethics in general.  If you have to think about some-
thing so hard, then it's bullshit anyway; that's the idea.  Punks are anti-
ismists, to coin a term.  But nonetheless, they have a pretty clearly defined
stance and image, and THAT is what we hang the term `punk' on.
-- Jeff G. Bone
It might be worth reflecting that this group was originally created
back in September of 1987 and has exchanged over 1200 messages.  The
original announcement for the group called for an all inclusive
discussion ranging from the writings of Gibson and Vinge and movies
like Bladerunner to real world things like Brands' description of the
work being done at the MIT Media Lab.  It was meant as a haven for
people with vision of this scope.  If you want to create a haven for
people with narrower visions, feel free.  But I feel sad for anyone
who thinks that alt.cyberpunk is such a monstrous group that it is in
dire need of being subdivided.  Heaven help them if they ever start
reading comp.arch or rec.arts.sf-lovers.
-- Bob Webber
Trailing Edge Technologies is pleased to announce the following
TETflame programme:

1) For a negotiated price (no quatloos accepted) one of our flaming
   representatives will flame the living shit out of the poster of
   your choice. The price is inversly proportional to how much of
   an asshole the target it. We cannot be convinced to flame Dennis
   Ritchie. Matt Crawford flames are free.

2) For a negotiated price (same arrangement) the TETflame programme
   is offering ``flame insurence''. Under this arrangement, if
   one of our policy holders is flamed, we will cancel the offending
   article and flame the flamer, to a crisp.

3) The TETflame flaming representatives include: Richard Sexton, Oleg
   Kisalev, Diane Holt, Trish O'Tauma, Dave Hill, Greg Nowak and our most
   recent aquisition, Keith Doyle. But all he will do is put you in his
   kill file. Weemba by special arrangement.

-- Richard Sexton
"Let me guess, Ed.  Pentescostal, right?"
-- Starcap'n Ra, ra@asuvax.asu.edu

"Nope.  Charismatic (I think - I've given up on what all those pesky labels
mean)."
-- Ed Carp, erc@unisec.usi.com

"Same difference - all zeal and feel, averaging less than one working brain
cell per congregation. Starcap'n Ra, you pegged him.  Good work!"
-- Kenn Barry, barry@eos.UUCP
"BTW, does Jesus know you flame?"
-- Diane Holt, dianeh@binky.UUCP, to Ed Carp
"You who hate the Jews so, why did you adopt their religion?"
-- Friedrich Nietzsche, addressing anti-semitic Christians
"If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry."
-- Chekhov
"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray, Mr.
Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
come out?'  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas
that could provoke such a question."
-- Charles Babbage
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
-- Blair Houghton
Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars.  What
should I do?

A: Post the correct answer at once!  We can't have people go on believing
that!  Very good of you to spot this.  You'll probably be the only one to
make the correction, so post as soon as you can.  No time to lose, so
certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if somebody else has made the
correction.

And it's not good enough to send the message by mail.  Since you're the
only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform
the whole net right away!

-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
Q: How can I choose what groups to post in?  ...
Q: How about an example?

A: Ok.  Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from the
Oilers to the Kings.  Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey
would be enough.  WRONG.  Many more people might be interested.  This is a
big trade!  Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy
as well.  If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try
news.admin.  If not, use news.misc.

The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics.  He is
a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also
interested in stars.  Next, his name is Polish sounding.  So post to
soc.culture.polish.  But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
news.groups suggesting it should be created.  With this many groups of
interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as
well.  (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles
there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.)

You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each group.
If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders will
only show the the article to the reader once!  Don't tolerate this.
-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
Q: They just announced on the radio that Dan Quayle was picked as the
Republican V.P. candidate.  Should I post?

A: Of course.  The net can reach people in as few as 3 to 5 days.  It's
the perfect way to inform people about such news events long after the
broadcast networks have covered them.  As you are probably the only person
to have heard the news on the radio, be sure to post as soon as you can.

-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
A selection from the Taoist Writings:

"Lao-Tan asked Confucius: `What do you mean by benevolence and righteousness?'
Confucius said:  `To be in one's inmost heart in kindly sympathy with all
things; to love all men and allow no selfish thoughts: this is the nature
of benevolence and righteousness.'"
-- Kwang-tzu
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."
-- Matt Cartmill
"...Greg Nowak:  `Another flame from greg' - need I say more?"
-- Jonathan D. Trudel, trudel@caip.rutgers.edu

"No.  You need to say less."
-- Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM
"And it's my opinion, and that's only my opinion, you are a lunatic.  Just
because there are a few hunderd other people sharing your lunacy with you
does not make you any saner.  Doomed, eh?"
-- Oleg Kiselev,oleg@CS.UCLA.EDU
"Obedience.  A religion of slaves.  A religion of intellectual death.  I like
it.  Don't ask questions, don't think, obey the Word of the Lord -- as it
has been conveniently brought to you by a man in a Rolls with a heavy Rolex
on his wrist.  I like that job!  Where can I sign up?"
-- Oleg Kiselev,oleg@CS.UCLA.EDU
"Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it."
-- Baskins
"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little
Lavoris in the toilet."
-- Comedian Jay Leno
"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery.'"
-- Comedian Jay Leno
"Well hello there Charlie Brown, you blockhead."
-- Lucy Van Pelt
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips
over, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come."
--Matt Groening
"I see little divinity about them or you.  You talk to me of Christianity
when you are in the act of hanging your enemies.  Was there ever such
blasphemous nonsense!"
-- Shaw, "The Devil's Disciple"
"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
only for a limited period of time.  Why should we think that collectively,
as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"
-- Ronald Reagan
"Pull the trigger and you're garbage."
-- Lady Blue
"If you can't debate me, then there is no way in hell you'll out-insult me."
-- Scott Legrand (Scott.Legrand@hogbbs.Fidonet.Org)

"You may be wrong here, little one."
-- R. W. F. Clark (RWC102@PSUVM)
        "Yes, I am a real piece of work.  One thing we learn at Ulowell is
how to flame useless hacking non-EE's like you.  I am superior to you in
every way by training and expertise in the technical field.  Anyone can learn
how to hack, but Engineering doesn't come nearly as easily.  Actually, I'm
not trying to offend all you CS majors out there, but I think EE is one of the
hardest majors/grad majors to pass.  Fortunately, I am making it."
-- "Warrior Diagnostics" (wardiag@sky.COM)

"Being both an EE and an asshole at the same time must be a terrible burden
for you.  This isn't really a flame, just a casual observation.  Makes me
glad I was a CS major, life is really pleasant for me.  Have fun with your
chosen mode of existence!"
-- Jim Morrison (morrisj@mist.cs.orst.edu)
                     THE "FUN WITH USENET" MANIFESTO
Very little happens on Usenet without some sort of response from some other
reader.  Fun With Usenet postings are no exception.  Since there are some who
might question the rationale of some of the excerpts included therein, I have
written up a list of guidelines that sum up the philosophy behind these
postings.

        One.  I never cut out words in the middle of a quote without a VERY
good reason, and I never cut them out without including ellipses.  For
instance, "I am not a goob" might become "I am ... a goob", but that's too
mundane to bother with.  "I'm flame proof" might (and has) become
"I'm ...a... p...oof" but that's REALLY stretching it.

        Two.  If I cut words off the beginning or end of a quote, I don't
put ellipses, but neither do I capitalize something that wasn't capitalized
before the cut. "I don't think that the Church of Ubizmo is a wonderful
place" would turn into "the Church of Ubizmo is a wonderful place".  Imagine
the posting as a tape-recording of the poster's thoughts.  If I can set
up the quote via fast-forwarding and stopping the tape, and without splicing,
I don't put ellipses in.  And by the way, I love using this mechanism for
turning things around.  If you think something stinks, say so - don't say you
don't think it's wonderful.   ...
-- D. J. McCarthy (dmccart@cadape.UUCP)
"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts."
-- John Wooden
"If you can write a nation's stories, you needn't worry about who makes its
laws.  Today, television tells most of the stories to most of the people
most of the time."
-- George Gerbner
There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, in
one way or another, almost every member of the team passed.  The term that
the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the practice --
was `signing up.'  By signing up for the project you agreed to do whatever
was necessary for success.  You agreed to forsake, if necessary, family,
hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left (and you might not, if
you had signed up too many times before).
-- Tracy Kidder, _The Soul of a New Machine_
"But don't you see, the color of wine in a crystal glass can be spiritual.
The look in a face, the music of a violin.  A Paris theater can be infused
with the spiritual for all its solidity."
-- Lestat, _The Vampire Lestat_, Anne Rice
To update Voltaire, "I may kill all msgs from you, but I'll fight for
your right to post it, and I'll let it reside on my disks".
-- Doug Thompson (doug@isishq.FIDONET.ORG)
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
-- Marvin the paranoid android
"There must be some mistake," he said, "are you not a greater computer than
the Milliard Gargantubrain which can count all the atoms in a star in a
millisecond?"
"The Milliard Gargantubrain?" said Deep Thought with unconcealed contempt.
"A mere abacus.  Mention it not."
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"But are you not," he said, "a more fiendish disputant than the Great Hyperlobic
Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler of Ciceronicus Twelve, the Magic and
Indefatigable?"

"The Great Hyperlobic Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler," said Deep Thought,
thoroughly rolling the r's, "could talk all four legs off an Arcturan
Mega-Donkey -- but only I could persuade it to go for a walk afterward."
-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, Jolt Cola
would be a Fortune-500 company.

If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, you'd be
able to buy a nice little colonial split-level at Babbages for $34.95.

If programmers wrote programs the way builders build buildings, we'd still
be using autocoder and running compile decks.

-- Peter da Silva and Karl Lehenbauer, a different perspective
"And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing what
the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions."
-- David Jones @ Megatest Corporation
"Luke, I'm yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you hoser."
-- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
"Don't think; let the machine do it for you!"
-- E. C. Berkeley
"You must learn to run your kayak by a sort of ju-jitsu.  You must learn to
tell what the river will do to you, and given those parameters see how you
can live with it.  You must absorb its force and convert it to your users
as best you can.  Even with the quickness and agility of a kayak, you are
not faster than the river, nor stronger, and you can beat it only by
understanding it."
-- Strung, Curtis and Perry, _Whitewater_
"If you can, help others.  If you can't, at least don't hurt others."
-- the Dalai Lama
> From MAILER-DAEMON@Think.COM Thu Mar  2 13:59:11 1989
> Subject: Returned mail: unknown mailer error 255

"Dale, your address no longer functions.  Can you fix it at your end?"
-- Bill Wolfe (wtwolfe@hubcap.clemson.edu)

"Bill, Your brain no longer functions.  Can you fix it at your end?"
-- Karl A. Nyberg (nyberg@ajpo.sei.cmu.edu)
"I don't know where we come from,
Don't know where we're going to,
And if all this should have a reason,
We would be the last to know.

So let's just hope there is a promised land,
And until then,
...as best as you can."
-- Steppenwolf, "Rock Me Baby"
"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
terror."
-- W. K. Hartmann
"You can have my Unix system when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers."
-- Cal Keegan
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you
actually look forward to the trip.
                -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
to take it all away.
                -- Barry Goldwater
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then
asks you not to kill him.
                -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.
                -- Ramsey Clark
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one
dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
Census Taker to Housewife:
Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
don't think.
Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the board.
Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
                -- Wynn Catlin
Don't be humble ... you're not that great.
                -- Golda Meir
Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so!
But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and
when they aren't.

        When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying.
        When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying.
        When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying.
        When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying!
Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.
                -- George Santayana
First rule of public speaking.
        First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;
        then tell 'em;
        then tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
Gentlemen,
        Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the
approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been
diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship
from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
        We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles,
and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds
me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and
spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted
for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence.
        Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains
unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been
a hideous confusion as the the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to
one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain.  This
reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance,
since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise
to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
        This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request
elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I
may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains.
I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as
given below.  I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but
I cannot do both:
        1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the
benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance:
        2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
                -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office,
                   London, 1812
Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish.  Don't overdo it.
                -- Lao Tsu
        Graduating seniors, parents and friends...
        Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up
to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness.
        The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the
text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism.
        Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured
the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to
expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic.
        Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric
perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed
denigrating to the political consensus of the moment.

        Thank you and good luck.
                -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech.
Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender.  You stand convicted of
sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
                -- Tobias Smollet
Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
                -- Dr. Who
He didn't run for reelection.  "Politics brings you into contact with all
the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
                -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"
How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?
                -- Charles de Gaulle
I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern.  I realize that the
whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we
can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the plumber.

But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such as
this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of the world
hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never win large cash
journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually write about, such as
nose-picking.
                -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
                   Political Fallout"
I used to be a rebel in my youth.

This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL!  But I learned.
Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own
problems.  So I lost interest in politics.  Now when I feel aroused by
a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device.
I go to my analyst and we work it out.  You have no idea how much better
I feel these days.
                -- J. Feiffer
I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold.  A thief is
anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or
breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody.  He really
gives some effort to it.  A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum.  He
works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot.
Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work
for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun.  They offered me
two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed.  I
was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line.  But
I wouldn't consider it.  "I'm a thief," I said.  "I'm no lousy hoodlum."
                -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One"
"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
                -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
                -- Robert Frost
If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.
                -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
have to get a toehold in the public eye."
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
will always do it.
                -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
make the rubble bounce.
                -- Winston Churchill
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
                -- Graham Summer
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year
with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.
                -- The Best of Will Rogers
If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined
them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!
                -- Mr. Interesting
If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
Constitution.  It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
statecraft.  Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone
directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles
beginning with the word "National."
                -- George Will
If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
it, even if they don't know what it means.
                -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
Interfere?  Of course we should interfere!  Always do what you're
best at, that's what I say.
                -- Doctor Who
It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, and weight
yourself down with invisible chains.
It is now 10 p.m.  Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
                -- Elizabeth Carpenter
It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression
when you lose yours.
                -- Harry S. Truman
It's important that people know what you stand for.
It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
        Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has
been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade.
        "Why me?"  whines the boy.  "Three years ago I carried the flag
when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was
Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin.  Why is
it always me, teacher?"
        "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher
explains.
                -- being told in Poland, 1987
Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
Life is a concentration camp.  You're stuck here and there's no way
out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
                -- Woody Allen
Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out
the right thing to do.  Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing,
but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the
right thing to do and what is the right way to do it.  That is the problem.
But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of
bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President.
This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects
their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing
that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously
just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even
a panacea so alleged.
                -- D.D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government
                been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to
                the recession?"
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
                -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
Nobody takes a bribe.  Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
different.
                -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
                   O'Brien, instructions to the force.
"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
normal routines, for children and adults alike."
                -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear.  The peasants
were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was
to become a Royal Knight.  This required an interview with the bear.  If
the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot.  If not, the bear would
just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw.  However, the family
of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
possession.  And the moral of the story is:

The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
hit you.
Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
One planet is all you get.
Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous.  In war,
you can only be killed once.
                -- Winston Churchill
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
        Civilization?
Gandhi:        I think it would be a good idea.
Shah, shah!  Ayatollah you so!
Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.
                -- Woodie Guthrie
        Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas.  Five years later?
Six?  It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
never comes again.  San Fransisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
and place to be a part of.  Maybe it meant something.  Maybe not, in the long
run...  There was madness in any direction, at any hour.  If not across the
Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda...  You could
strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
were doing was right, that we were winning...
        And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
over the forces of Old and Evil.  Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
need that. Our energy would simply prevail.  There was no point in fighting
-- on our side or theirs.  We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
of a high and beautiful wave.  So now, less than five years later, you can go
up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
you can almost ___see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
broke and rolled back.
                -- Hunter S. Thompson
Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit!  Just type
in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:

Name
#
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
the tree."
                -- Russell Long
The eyes of taxes are upon you.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf
has.  Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know
when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.
                -- Will Rogers
The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free
information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax
tip is that you should print neatly.  If you ask them a real tax question,
such as how you can cheat, they're useless.

So, for guidance, you want to look to big business.  Big business never pays
a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer
organization that never pays a nickel in taxes...
                -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
        The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school
graduation.
        Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
recognition of the sanctity of human life."
        According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm."  Their
"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year.  But as a "family
farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
        Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers."  You
probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
        It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore.  Now it's "chrono-
logically experienced citizens."
        According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
                -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president?  What is it
about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that
you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?
                -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians
who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool
all of the people all of the time.
                -- Franklin Adams
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.  Instead of
altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the
facts that needs altering.
                -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you.
                -- Will Rogers
They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the
system from within.  I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them.  First
we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.

I'm guided by a signal in the heavens.  I'm guided by this birthmark on
my skin.  I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons.  First we take Manhattan,
then we take Berlin.

I'd really like to live beside you, baby.  I love your body and your spirit
and your clothes.  But you see that line there moving through the station?
I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
        -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of
confidence.
                -- Andrew Young
Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers
in heavy weather for several days.  I was serving on the lead battleship and
was on watch on the bridge as night fell.  The visibility was poor with patchy
fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities.
        Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported,
"Light, bearing on the starboard bow."
        "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out.
        Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous
collision course with that ship.
        The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on
a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
        Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
        In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20
degrees!"
        "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change
course 20 degrees."
        By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a
battleship, change course 20 degrees."
        Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!"
        We changed course.
                -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings"
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some
ordinance under which you can be booked.
                -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem.
There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your
borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.
                -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
What is status?
        Status is when the President calls you for your opinion.

Uh, no...
        Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a
        problem with him.

Uh, that still ain't right...
        STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President,
        and the phone rings.  The President picks it up, listens for a
        minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you."
When some people decide it's time for everyone to make big changes,
it means that they want you to change first.
When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify
the problem, not the remedy.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
                -- Norm Crosby
When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
                -- Harry Truman
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
                -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
When you live in a sick society, just about everything you do is wrong.
When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that
you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.
                -- Otto Von Bismarck
When you're in command, command.
                -- Admiral Nimitz
Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
                -- Rufus Miles, HEW
Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
You can have peace.  Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having
both at once.
                -- Lazarus Long
You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. The
short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", which
means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears tax-preparation
expert to distinguish between their first and last names.  Here's the
complete text:

"(1) How much did you make?  (AMOUNT)
(2) How much did we here at the government take out?  (AMOUNT)
(3) Hey!  Sounds like we took too much!  So we're going to
     send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
     THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
     household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
     you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
     NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"

The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
money.  So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long form.
                -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice,
bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.
                -- Aristophanes
You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property
and services if it is not specifically exempt.  Report property (goods)
and services at their fair market values.  Examples include income from
bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
gambling, prizes and awards.  Not reporting such income can lead to
prosecution for perjury and fraud.
                -- Excerpt from Taxachussetts income tax forms
You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
                -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.
                -- Henrik Ibsen
"Even if you want no state, or a minimal state, then you still have to
argue it point by point.  Especially since most minimalists want to
keep exactly the economic and police system that keeps them
privileged.  That's libertarians for you -- anarchists who want police
protection from their slaves!"
                -- Coyote, in Kim Stanley Robinson's "Green Mars"
17th Rule of Friendship:
        A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount of
        life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is
        noncancellable.
                -- Esquire, May 1977
18th Rule of Friendship:
        A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
        to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
        ever saw.
                -- Esquire, May 1977
A Law of Computer Programming:
        Make it possible for programmers to write in English
        and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
A new koan:
        If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
        If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
It is an ice cream koan.
Abbott's Admonitions:
        (1) If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
        (2) If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
                -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
ADA:
        Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
        Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
        an ADA awareness.
                -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
alimony, n:
        Having an ex you can bank on.
Ambiguity:
        Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
Andrea's Admonition:
        Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
        If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you,
        it isn't and he can.
Antonym, n.:
        The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
aphorism, n.:
        A concise, clever statement.
afterism, n.:
        A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
                -- James Alexander Thom
Arthur's Laws of Love:
        (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
            remind them of someone else.
        (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
            delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
            yourself in person.
ASCII:
        The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would
        become computer literate.  Etymologically, the term has come down as
        a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall
        receive."
                -- Robb Russon
Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:
        (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
            and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
        (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
            to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
Baruch's Observation:
        If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Beauty:
        What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
Begathon, n.:
        A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
        you won't have to watch commercials.
belief, n:
        Something you do not believe.
Bierman's Laws of Contracts:
        (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".
        (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".
        (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
Bilbo's First Law:
        You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
Boling's postulate:
        If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
Boob's Law:
        You always find something in the last place you look.
Bore, n.:
        A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Bowie's Theorem:
        If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
        When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
        easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
        have handled this?"
Bunker's Admonition:
        You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
Burke's Postulates:
        Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
        Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
Canonical, adj.:
        The usual or standard state or manner of something.  A true story:
One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use
of jargon.  Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as
much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in.
Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like
fashion without thinking.
        Steele: "Aha!  We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
        Stallman: "What did he say?"
        Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
Captain Penny's Law:
        You can fool all of the people some of the time, and
        some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Cheit's Lament:
        If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
        the next time he's in need.
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
        The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
        for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver will
        cheerfully baste you.
                -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
Cohn's Law:
        The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
        time you have to do anything.  Stability is achieved when you spend
        all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Colvard's Logical Premises:
        All probabilities are 50%.
        Either a thing will happen or it won't.

Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
        This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.

Grelb's Commentary:
        Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
Committee Rules:
        (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
        (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
            stamps you as being wise.
        (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
            others.
        (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
        (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
            popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
Compliment, n.:
        When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
Computer, n.:
        An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a
        totally understandable, rigorously logical manner.  If you believe
        this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
Concept, n.:
        Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
        $25,000.
Connector Conspiracy, n:
        [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the KL-10,
        none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
        manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
        to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
        stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
        interface devices.
Consultant, n.:
        (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
        you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
        of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
        Calculator, Will Travel.
Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
        If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to be
        held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties.
curtation, n.:
        The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
environment.
        The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
matter.  Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
people than any other aspect of data processing.  You order Mozart's "Don
Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous!  Equally puzzling is
the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL."  The squeezing of fruit into 10
columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP.  The examples
cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
with us.

MOZ DONG n.
        Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
                -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
Davis' Law of Traffic Density:
        The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to
        1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
Deadwood, n.:
        Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
default, n.:
        [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you,
        mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity.  "Nothing will
        come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
                -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
design, v.:
        What you regret not doing later on.
DeVries' Dilemma:
        If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
        hits the paper.
Drakenberg's Discovery:
        If you can't seem to find your glasses,
        it's probably because you don't have them on.
Ducharme's Precept:
        Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Ducharme's Axiom:
        If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
        yourself as part of the problem.
Eagleson's Law:
        Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
        months, might as well have been written by someone else.  (Eagleson
        is an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
Economies of scale:
        The notion that bigger is better.  In particular, that if you want
        a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
        biggie than a bunch of smallies.  Accepted as an article of faith
        by people who love big machines and all that complexity.  Rejected
        as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
        those limitations.
Eleventh Law of Acoustics:
        In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
        frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
        are all merely transforms of one another.  This combined with
        minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
        compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
        lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost.  However,
        of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
Envy, n.:
        Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage,
        instead of having to try and acquire one.
Experience, n.:
        Something you don't get until just after you need it.
                -- Olivier
Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:

                NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE

To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
to a 3x5 inch index card.  (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.)  (e) Finally place 3x5 card
(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the
Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595.  Print
this address correctly.  Comply with above instructions carefully and
completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
Famous last words:
        (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
        (2) "You and what army?"
        (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
             a cop."
Famous last words:
        (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
        (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
        (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
        (4) We won't need reservations.
        (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.
        (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
        (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
        (8) Don't worry!  Women love it!
Ferguson's Precept:
        A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
        If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

Corollary:
        If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
Finagle's First Law:
        To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.

Finagle's Second Law:
        Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.

Finagle's Fourth Law:
        Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
        it worse.

Finagle's Fifth Law:
        Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.

Finagle's Sixth Law:
        Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
Finagle's Third Law:
        In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
        beyond all need of checking, is the mistake

Corollaries:
        (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
        (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
            don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
First Law of Bicycling:
        No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
Five rules for eternal misery:
        (1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
        (2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
            treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
        (3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
        (4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
            how much better things might have been or how much worse
            things might become).
        (5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
            follow the first four rules.
Flugg's Law:
        When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
        that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2

Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over
the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that
the author of an memo is trying to say.  Thanks to modern developments
in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an
incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has
never known.  Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's
memo is practically nil.  Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having
done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly.  If you *do* understand
the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then
you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack.  In fact,
the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows:

        1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo.
        2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are.
        3: When replying to one of your own memos.
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
        The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
        instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.

Corollary:
        Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
        study for that instructor's course.
Fourth Law of Revision:
        It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
        interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
Fresco's Discovery:
        If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
Friends, n.:
        People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.

        People who know you well, but like you anyway.
Fuch's Warning:
        If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
        enough to travel.
Fun experiments:
        Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
        Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
        bedroom, car, etc.  As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
furbling, v.:
        Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
        even when you are the only person in line.
                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
        (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
        (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
        (3) The energy required to change either one of these states
           will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
           much as to make the task totally impossible.
Ginsberg's Theorem:
        (1) You can't win.
        (2) You can't break even.
        (3) You can't even quit the game.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
        Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
        meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
        Theorem.  To wit:

        (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
        (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
        (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
Ginsburg's Law:
        At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your
        big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
Goda's Truism:
        By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
        somebody moves the ends.
Gomme's Laws:
        (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.
        (2) Time accelerates.
        (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
Gordon's Law:
        If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
gossip, n.:
        Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
                -- Earl Wilson
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
        You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

        [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive.  Ed.]
Gravity:
        What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
Green's Law of Debate:
        Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Griffin's Thought:
        When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity:
        At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
Gunter's Airborne Discoveries:
        (1)  When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft,
             the aircraft will encounter turbulence.
        (2)  The strength of the turbulence
             is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
guru, n.:
        A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with
        a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the
        phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
Hale Mail Rule, The:
        When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
        one of the following:
                (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
                (b) Stationery.
                (c) Postage stamp.
                (d) The letter you are answering.
half-done, n.:
        This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
        light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference between this
        and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
        difference between life and death.

        You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
        in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
        fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
        transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
        Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
        about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the
        man, "Let me have a nice half-done."  Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
Hartley's First Law:
        You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
        on his back, you've got something.
Hawkeye's Conclusion:
        It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole
        circus.
Heaven, n.:
        A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
        their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
        expound your own.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Hempstone's Question:
        If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
Hildebrant's Principle:
        If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
        The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to
        staple something.
Hlade's Law:
        If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person --
        they will find an easier way to do it.
Hofstadter's Law:
        It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
        Hofstadter's Law into account.
Household hint:
        If you are out of cream for your coffee, mayonnaise makes a
        dandy substitute.
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
        #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
        #15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
        #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you.
Hubbard's Law:
        Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
ignorance, n.:
        When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
Iles's Law:
        There is always an easier way to do it.  When looking directly
        at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
        Neither will Iles.
Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension:
        In order for something to become clean, something else must
        become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting
        anything clean.
inbox, n.:
        A catch basin for everything you don't want to deal with, but
        are afraid to throw away.
incentive program, n.:
        The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
        to motivate its people.  Still, despite all the experimentation with
        profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
        incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
        keep it."
Information Center, n.:
        A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to
        tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
Information Processing:
        What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with
        it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
insecurity, n.:
        Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your
        favorite words.

        Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to
        the person who told it to you.
intoxicated, adj.:
        When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
Johnny Carson's Definition:
        The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs
        in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the
        taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
Kafka's Law:
        In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
                -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
        (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
           straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
           force is technically termed "car suck").
        (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
           than "Watch this!"
        (3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
           proportional to the cost of hitting it.  For instance, a
           Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
           a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
        (4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
           cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
           Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
           in the head and knock you silly.
Kennedy's Market Theorem:
        Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
        you've got to go broke.
Kent's Heuristic:
        Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
knowledge, n.:
        Things you believe.
Kramer's Law:
        You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
Law of Selective Gravity:
        An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jenning's Corollary:
        The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side
        down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Law of the Perversity of Nature:
        You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Laws of Serendipity:
        (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something.
        (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
            be engaged in making an inferior one.
lawsuit, n.:
        A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.
                -- Ambrose Bierce
Lawyer's Rule:
        When the law is against you, argue the facts.
        When the facts are against you, argue the law.
        When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
learning curve, n.:
        An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants
        in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the
        quicker you can do it.
Leibowitz's Rule:
        When hammering a nail, you will never hit your
        finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
Lemma:  All horses are the same color.
Proof (by induction):
        Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all
        horses in that set are the same color.
        Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses.  Pull one of these
        horses out of the set, so that you have k horses.  Suppose that all
        of these horses are the same color.  Now put back the horse that you
        took out, and pull out a different one.  Suppose that all of the k
        horses now in the set are the same color.  Then the set of k+1 horses
        are all the same color.  We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all
        horses are the same color.
Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs.
Proof (by intimidation):
        Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs.  It
        is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in
        back.  4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a
        horse to have!  Now the only number that is both even and odd is
        infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs.
        However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an
        infinite number of legs.  Well, that would be a horse of a different
        color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist.
life, n.:
        A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
love, n.:
        When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
love, n.:
        When you don't want someone too close--because you're very sensitive
        to pleasure.
love, n.:
        When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
love, n.:
        When, if asked to choose between your lover
        and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
love, v.:
        I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
Madison's Inquiry:
        If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
Major premise:
        Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man.
Minor premise:
        A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
Conclusion:
        Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Secondary Conclusion:
        Do you realize how many holes there would be if people
        would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
manual, n.:
        A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a given
        item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The information
        you need is in the others.
                -- Ray Simard
Maryann's Law:
        You can always find what you're not looking for.
Maslow's Maxim:
        If the only tool you have is a hammer, you treat everything like
        a nail.
Mason's First Law of Synergism:
        The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
Matz's Law:
        A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
        If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
Meade's Maxim:
        Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
Meader's Law:
        Whatever happens to you, it will previously
        have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
meterologist, n.:
        One who doubts the established fact that it is
        bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
Micro Credo:
        Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
momentum, n.:
        What you give a person when they are going away.
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
        Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
        be out of a job.
Murphy's Laws:
        (1) If anything can go wrong, it will.
        (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.
        (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
Newton's Law of Gravitation:
        What goes up must come down.  But don't expect it to come down where
        you can find it.  Murphy's Law applies to Newton's.
Nouvelle cuisine, n.:
        French for "not enough food".

Continental breakfast, n.:
        English for "not enough food".

Tapas, n.:
        Spanish for "not enough food".

Dim Sum, n.:
        Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
Office Automation:
        The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office
        by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
Ogden's Law:
        The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Oliver's Law:
        Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
omnibiblious, adj.:
        Indifferent to type of drink.  Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything.
        I'm omnibiblious."
optimist, n.:
        A proponent of the belief that black is white.

        A pessimist asked God for relief.
        "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
        "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that
would justify them."
        "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked
something -- the mortality of the optimist."
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
pain, n.:
        One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
Pandora's Rule:
        Never open a box you didn't close.
party, n.:
        A gathering where you meet people who drink
        so much you can't even remember their names.
Paul's Law:
        In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
Paul's Law:
        You can't fall off the floor.
Peter's Law of Substitution:
        Look after the molehills, and the
        mountains will look after themselves.

Peter's Principle of Success:
        Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
Peterson's Admonition:
        When you think you're going down for the third time --
        just remember that you may have counted wrong.
Peterson's Rules:
        (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways are filled with something sticky.
        (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
        (3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
        (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
Poorman's Rule:
        When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser package,
        you always get hold of the closed end and try to pull it open.
Programming Department:
        Mistakes made while you wait.
Pryor's Observation:
        How long you live has nothing to do
        with how long you are going to be dead.
purpitation, n.:
        To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you
        don't want it, and then put it in another section.
                -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
QOTD:
        "Do you smell something burning or is it me?"
                -- Joan of Arc
QOTD:
        "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
QOTD:
        "It's sort of a threat, you see.  I've never been very good at
        them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
QOTD:
        "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
QOTD:
        "Say, you look pretty athletic.  What say we put a pair of tennis
        shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
QOTD:
        "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed?   Just what made you
        think he was broken!"
QOTD:
        "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them?
        How...  tribal."
QOTD:
        "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
QOTD:
        Flash!  Flash!  I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to
        save the earth!
QOTD:
        How can I miss you if you won't go away?
QOTD:
        If it's too loud, you're too old.
QOTD:
        If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
Quigley's Law:
        Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
        atttempt to use it.
Ralph's Observation:
        It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you
        are in a hurry.
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
        If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
Reliable source, n.:
        The guy you just met.
Reputation, adj.:
        What others are not thinking about you.
Responsibility:
        Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility.  This is
a lot of bunk.  Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something
goes wrong.  When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it
is to take the blame for your mistakes.  If they're smart, that is.
                -- Cerebus, "On Governing"
Ritchie's Rule:
        (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
        (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
        (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
Robustness, adj.:
        Never having to say you're sorry.
Rudd's Discovery:
        You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make
        $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't.  Why?  Because they can
        stay in Washington and make it there.
Rule of Creative Research:
        (1) Never draw what you can copy.
        (2) Never copy what you can trace.
        (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
Rule of Feline Frustration:
        When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
        content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
        bathroom.
Rule of the Great:
        When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
        thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
Rules for Academic Deans:
        (1)  HIDE!!!!
        (2)  If they find you, LIE!!!!
                -- Father Damian C. Fandal
Rules for driving in New York:
        (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
        (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
        (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
            intersection.
Rules for Writers:
        Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.  Don't use no double
negatives.  Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate;
and never where it isn't.  Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and
omit it when its not needed.  No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are
unnecessary.  Eschew dialect, irregardless.  And don't start a sentence with
a conjunction.  Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
Write all adverbial forms correct.  Don't use contractions in formal writing.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.  It is incumbent on
us to avoid archaisms.  Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have
snuck in the language.  Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.  If I've
told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole.  Also,
avoid awkward or affected alliteration.  Don't string too many prepositional
phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of
death.  "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'"
Rune's Rule:
        If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
Ryan's Law:
        Make three correct guesses consecutively
        and you will establish yourself as an expert.
Satellite Safety Tip #14:
        If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
Sattinger's Law:
        It works better if you plug it in.
Savage's Law of Expediency:
        You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
Second Law of Business Meetings:
        If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
        will pick the wrong one.

Corollary:
        If there is only one way to spell a name,
        you will spell it wrong, anyway.
Second Law of Final Exams:
        In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
        distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
Self Test for Paranoia:
        You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
        your own fault.
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
        That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
        or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
        should have gotten.
Slous' Contention:
        If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
snappy repartee:
        What you'd say if you had another chance.
Some points to remember [about animals]:
        (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
            hippopotamuses;
        (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
            front of your clothes;
        (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
            you have just kicked.
                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
        The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
        number of times you have looked at it.
Spouse, n.:
        Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
        wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
        Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Stenderup's Law:
        The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
Stock's Observation:
        You no sooner get your head above water but what someone pulls
        your flippers off.
T-shirt of the Day:
        Head for the Mountains
                -- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer

Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
        If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
                -- courtesy someone else
T-shirt Of The Day:
        I'm the person your mother warned you about.
Tact, n.:
        The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
Taxes, n.:
        Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
        an extension.
TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:

Gong, n: Medieval term for privy, or what pased for them in that era.
Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.

"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs."
                -- Dave Mills
telepression, n.:
        The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
        hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
        burden on the directory assistant.
                -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter:
        I don't mind... and you don't matter.
                -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
The Consultant's Curse:
        When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him
        what he asks for, instead of what he needs.  This is very strong
        medicine, and is normally only required once.
The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the
following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:

        "I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.
Eddie Cantor's goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is
Jewish.  Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.

        "Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
Macaroons are ____very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is
goyish.  Lime soda is ____very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that
Jews won't go near them ..."
                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
The Fifth Rule:
        You have taken yourself too seriously.
The five rules of Socialism:
        (1) Don't think.
        (2) If you do think, don't speak.
        (3) If you think and speak, don't write.
        (4) If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
        (5) If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
                -- being told in Poland, 1987
The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
        (1) You can't push on a string.
        (2) Ain't no free lunches.
        (3) Them as has, gets.
        (4) You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
        You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases
are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy.  Thus:

Retribution:
        I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother.
Anticipation:
        I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother.
Diplomacy:
        I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the
        pretext that your brother did it.
The Modelski Chain Rule:
(1)        Look intently at the problem for several minutes.  Scratch your
        head at 20-30 second intervals.  Try solving the problem on your
        Hewlett-Packard.
(2)        Failing this, look around at the class.  Select a particularly
        bright-looking individual.
(3)        Procure a large chain.
(4)        Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
        with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
        Generally, he will.  It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
        thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane:
        Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless
        you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you
        is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the
        unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome.
The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps:
        Use a sunlamp only on weekends.  That way, if the office wise guy
        remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate
        some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La
        like Caneel Bay.  Nothing is more transparent than leaving the
        office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun
        god at 8:15 the next morning.
The rules:
         (1) Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
         (2) Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while
              sitting at the console keyboard.
         (3) Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly
             little card decks together.
         (4) Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
             especially if you're already married.
         (5) Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk
             pack as a stool to reach another disk pack.
         (6) Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one
             eight hour shift.
         (7) Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
             files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
         (8) Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
         (9) Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
        (10) Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
The Second Law of Thermodynamics:
        If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
                -- Jim Warner
The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee:
        The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a
        direction you did not want.   (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long way.)
                -- Dan Roddick
The Third Law of Photography:
        If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
        when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
        the dark leaks out.
The three biggest software lies:
        (1) *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
        (2) *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
            will fix the microcode.
        (3) Beta test site?  No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
The three laws of thermodynamics:
        (1) You can't get anything without working for it.
        (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
        (3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
Theory of Selective Supervision:
        The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
        the one time the boss walks through the office.
There are three ways to get something done:
        (1) Do it yourself.
        (2) Hire someone to do it for you.
        (3) Forbid your kids to do it.
Tip of the Day:
        Never fry bacon in the nude.

        [Correction: always fry bacon in the nude; you'll learn not to burn it]
today, n.:
        A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
        If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
transfer, n.:
        A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
transparent, adj.:
        Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object.
        "It's there, but you can't see it"
                -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964.

virtual, adj.:
        Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object.
        "I can see it, but it's not there."
                -- Lady Macbeth.
travel, n.:
        Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
U.S. of A.:
        "Don't speak to the bus driver."
Germany:
        "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver."
England:
        "You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver."
Scotland:
        "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?"
Italy:
        "Don't answer the driver."
Udall's Fourth Law:
        Any change or reform you make is going to have consequences you
        don't like.
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
        Never use your thumb for a rule.
        You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
understand, v.:
        To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which
        you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the
        basis of your own internal model instead.
University, n.:
        Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable,
        and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix
        it, and ...

        [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying
         the credibility of the entire fortune program.  Ed.]
untold wealth, n.:
        What you left out on April 15th.
User n.:
        A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
vuja de:
        The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
"We'll look into it":
        By the time the wheels make a full turn, we
        assume you will have forgotten about it, too.
Weed's Axiom:
        Never ask two questions in a business letter.
        The reply will discuss the one in which you are
        least interested and say nothing about the other.
Whistler's Law:
        You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
                William Safire's Rules for Writers:

Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never be
used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to agree with
their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words out.  If you reread
your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be
avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must not shift your point of
view.  And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.  (Remember, too, a
preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse
exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long
sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully,
dangling participles must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of
a sentence, a linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should be
careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows the verb.  Last
but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
        We are no longer allowing this practice.  We wish to discourage any
thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not
consider having anything removed.  We hired you as you are, and to have
anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
work, n.:
        The blessed respite from screaming kids and
        soap operas for which you actually get paid.
Worst Month of the Year:
        February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
        you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
        don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
                -- Steve Rubenstein
WYSIWYG:
        What You See Is What You Get.
Zall's Laws:
        (1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do
           will be wrong.
        (2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom
           door you're on.
zeal, n.:
        Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
Ethnomagnetism:
        The tendency of young people to live in emotionally
demonstrative, more unrestrained ethnic neighborhoods: "You wouldn't
understand it there, mother -- they *hug* where I live now."
                -- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated
                   Culture"
Status Substitution:
        Using an object with intellectual or fashionable cachet to
substitute for an object that is merely pricey: "Brian, you left your
copy of Camus in your brother's BMW."
                -- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated
                   Culture"
Recreational Slumming:
        The practice of participating in recreational activities
of a class one perceives as lower than one's own: "Karen!  Donald!
Let's go bowling tonight!  And don't worry about shoes ... apparently
you can rent them."
                -- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated
                   Culture"
40 isn't old.  If you're a tree.
A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard.  One of the men
gets out and goes into the office.
        "I need some four-by-two's," he says.
        "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
        The man scratches his head.  "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
check."
        Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
acceptable.
        "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"
        The guy gets the blank look again.  "Uh... I guess I better go
check," he says.
        He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated
conversation.  The guy comes back into the office.  "A long time," he says,
"we're building a house".
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin
when you get what you want.
Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad.
                -- Honor'e de Balzac
        "But Huey, you PROMISED!"
        "Tell 'em I lied."
Did it ever occur to you that fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Did you hear about the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
Did you know ...

That no-one ever reads these things?
Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
        "Do you believe in intuition?"
        "No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will."
Do you have lysdexia?
Do YOU have redeeming social value?
Don't I know you?
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac; you can always take something for it.
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
                -- Adlai Stevenson
Every time you manage to close the door on Reality, it comes in through the
window.
Everything you know is wrong!
Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):

                Don't Write On Walls!

                   (and underneath)

                You want I should type?
        "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: "of course you know
what 'it' means."
        "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing," said the
Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.  The question is, what did the
archbishop find?"
Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Have at you!
Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.
                -- Albert Einstein
        "Have you lived here all your life?"
        "Oh, twice that long."
Have you locked your file cabinet?
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Housework can kill you if done right.
                -- Erma Bombeck
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
How untasteful can you get?
I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I don't understand you anymore.
I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said,
but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
I saw what you did and I know who you are.
I thought YOU silenced the guard!
I understand why you're confused.  You're thinking too much.
                -- Carole Wallach.
I will always love the false image I had of you.
I will make you shorter by the head.
                -- Elizabeth I
I will never lie to you.
I will not forget you.
I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
        "I'm dying," he croaked.
        "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
        "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
        "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
        "The fire is going out," he bellowed.
        "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
        "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
        "You snake," she rattled.
        "Someone's at the door," she chimed.
        "Company's coming," she guessed.
        "Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
        "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
        "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
        "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
        "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
                -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
If I love you, what business is it of yours?
                -- Johann van Goethe
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
                -- John Galsworthy
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.
                -- Petersen Nesbit
If you stick your head in the sand, one thing is for sure, you're gonna
get your rear kicked.
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.  Perhaps
I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it.  I
don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
the signature (which I guessed at).  There's a singular and a perpetual
charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
novelty.  Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
yours are kept forever -- unread.  One of them will last a reasonable
man a lifetime.
                -- Thomas Aldrich
It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
Knocked, you weren't in.
                -- Opportunity
Laughing at you is like drop-kicking a wounded humming bird.
Look out!  Behind you!
Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.
                -- Russell Banks
Marigold:                Jealousy
Mint:                        Virute
Orange blossom:                Your purity equals your loveliness
Orchid:                        Beauty, magnificence
Pansy:                        Thoughts
Peach blossom:                I am your captive
Petunia:                Your presence soothes me
Poppy:                        Sleep
Rose, any color:        Love
Rose, deep red:                Bashful shame
Rose, single, pink:        Simplicity
Rose, thornless, any:        Early attachment
Rose, white:                I am worthy of you
Rose, yellow:                Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
Rosebud, white:                Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
Rosemary:                Remembrance
Sunflower:                Haughtiness
Tulip, red:                Declaration of love
Tulip, yellow:                Hopeless love
Violet, blue:                Faithfulness
Violet, white:                Modesty
Zinnia:                        Thoughts of absent friends
        * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.
Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
Moebius strippers never show you their back side.
My, how you've changed since I've changed.
Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.
                -- Anonymous
No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
No matter how much you do you never do enough.
O imitators, you slavish herd!
                -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
another chance later on.
Silence is the only virtue you have left.
Solipsists of the World... you are already united.
                -- Kayvan Sylvan
Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.  Others are so fast,
they don't notice you.
Some people live life in the fast lane.  You're in oncoming traffic.
Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
(Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
                -- Ken Kesey
Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
That's odd.  That's very odd.  Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to
cringe.
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
to erase it.
                -- Glaser and Way
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.
There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that
nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
Think honk if you're a telepath.
This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.  And now you know why.
Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little
too early for anything you want to do.
                -- Jean-Paul Sartre
To see you is to sympathize.
        "What did you do when the ship sank?"
        "I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore."
What excuses stand in your way?  How can you eliminate them?
                -- Roger von Oech
What happens when you cut back the jungle?  It recedes.
What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
something to occur to you.
                -- Robert Frost

        [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
         referring to AST's.]
"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
                -- The Doctor
When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
When you're down and out, lift up your voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
Who are you?
Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
Why are you so hard to ignore?
Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
You auto buy now.
You can cage a swallow, can't you,
        but you can't swallow a cage, can you?
Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,
        finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl.
A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!
                -- The Palindromist
You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
        "You've got to think about tomorrow!"
        "TOMORROW!  I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
[ ] Safeguard this message - it is an important historical document.
[ ] Delete after reading -- Subversive Literature.
[ ] Ignore and go back to what you were doing.
Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
                -- Socrates' last words
Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
                -- Dylan Thomas
And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
                -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
        "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
Cerebus:        I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
Jaka:                Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
Cerebus:        If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it?
Jaka:                Ugh!
Cerebus:        You don't like apricot brandy?
                -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
        "Wait a minute.  Aren't you a string?"
        "Well, yes, I am."
        "Sorry.  We don't serve strings here."
        The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by.  "Excuse,
me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?"  The
passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar.  "May I have a beer,
please?" it asked the bartender.
        The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
        "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm:  No, I know what they look like.  Just pour me one.
                -- Cheers, No Help Wanted

Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
Norm:  Hey I'm high on life, Coach.  Of course, beer is my life.
                -- Cheers, No Help Wanted

Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
Norm:  I dunno.  I usually finish them before they get a word in.
                -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
Coach: How's it going, Norm?
Norm:  Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
                -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences

Sam:   What's up, Norm?
Norm:  My nipples.  It's freezing out there.
                -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action

Coach: What's the story, Norm?
Norm:  Thirsty guy walks into a bar.  You finish it.
                -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm:  Daddy wuvs you.
                -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail

Sam:  What'd you like, Normie?
Norm: A reason to live.  Gimme another beer.
                -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man

Sam:  What will you have, Norm?
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy.  I'll take a glass of whatever
      comes out of that tap.
Sam:  Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
                -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English.  Many
people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from.  The first syllable
comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg".  I don't know where
the "nog" comes from.

To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
season, eggs...
        Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.

        Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.

        Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
the little hammers strike.

        Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
Christmas tree.  The piano is missing.

        You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
4.  The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17

        "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
        May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
        Juliet, this bud's for you.
FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
        Christmas Rum Cake

1 or 2 quarts rum                1 tbsp. baking powder
1 cup butter                        1 tsp. soda
1 tsp. sugar                        1 tbsp. lemon juice
2 large eggs                        2 cups brown sugar
2 cups dried assorted fruit        3 cups chopped English walnuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality.  Good, isn't it?  Now
select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.  Check the rum again.  It
must be just right.  Be sure the rum is of the highest quality.  Pour one cup
of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.  Repeat. With an electric
mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
and beat again.  Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
Sample another cup.  Open second quart as necessary.  Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
of fried druit and beat untill high.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver.  Sample the rum again, checking
for toncisticity.  Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
Sample some more.  Sift 912 pint of lemon juice.  Fold in schopped butter and
strained chups.  Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
Mix mell.  Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
poothtick comes out crean.
FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS                #14

Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
liquor at BYOB parties?  Take along a candle, which you insert and
light after you've opened the bottle.  No one ever expects anything
drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
        fifth of dry red wine
        fifth of Aquavit
        1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
        10 cardamom seeds
        1 cup raisins
        4 dried figs
        1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
        a few pieces of dried orange peel
        5 cloves
        1/2 lb. sugar cubes
        Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
the sugar cubes.  Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved.  Serve
hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
        N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot.  Use it only
if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
extraction.
Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
If you don't drink it, someone else will.
If you drink, don't park.  Accidents make people.
In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
in a very familiar pose -- arms raised above him, leading the country to
revolution.  But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.

It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
disguise she would recommend for him.  She replied, "Why don't you come
sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
Look at it this way: Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham.  And you're still
drinking ordinary scotch?
Look at it this way: Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
forget $26,000 of college education. And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
grasshopper.  Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
        "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased.  "They've
named a drink Fred?"
"Mind if I smoke?"
        "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]

Coach:  Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
Norm:   With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
                -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest

Coach:  What's up, Normie?
Norm:   The temperature under my collar, Coach.
                -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)

Coach:  What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
Norm:   Going down?
                -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]

Off-screen crowd:  Norm!
Sam:   How the hell do they know him here?
Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
                -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity

Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Elope with my wife.
                -- Cheers, The Triangle

Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
                -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
[Norm is angry.]

Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Clifford Clavin's head.
                -- Cheers, The Triangle

Sam:  Hey, what's happening, Norm?
Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
      and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
                -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle

Sam:  How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
                -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
Norm:  Afternoon, everybody!
All:   Anton!
                -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm

Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
                -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible

Sam:  What can I get you, Norm?
Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder?  Ah, just kidding.
      Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
                -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
Norm:  Gentlemen, start your taps.
                -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter

Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
Norm:  Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
                -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's

Coach: How's life, Norm?
Norm:  Not for the squeamish, Coach.
                -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
Norm:  Hey, everybody.
All:   [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
Norm:  [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
       Norm!   (Norman.)
       How are you feeling today, Norm?
       Rich and thirsty.  Pour me a beer.
                -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash

Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
       Film at eleven.
                -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar

Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
                -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't make you live longer --
it just seems that way.
One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company.  While they were discussing the
merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent.  Malone turns around to see
his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
        Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
been havin' all these years."
        Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
Malone.  He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye.  The bar is
totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
drink.  She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
        Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
head.  Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
Police:        Good evening, are you the host?
Host:        No.
Police:        We've been getting complaints about this party.
Host:        About the drugs?
Police:        No.
Host:        About the guns, then?  Is somebody complaining about the guns?
Police:        No, the noise.
Host:        Oh, the noise.  Well that makes sense because there are no guns
        or drugs here.  (An enormous explosion is heard in the
        background.)  Or fireworks.  Who's complaining about the noise?
        The neighbors?
Police:        No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago.  Most of the recent
        complaints have come from Pittsburgh.  Do you think you could
        ask the host to quiet things down?
Host:        No Problem.  (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
        religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
        room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
        lawn, where it smashes into a tree.  Eight guests tumble out
        onto the grass, moaning.)  See?  Things are starting to wind
        down.
Sam:   What do you know there, Norm?
Norm:  How to sit.  How to drink.  Want to quiz me?
                -- Cheers, Loverboyd

Sam:   Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
Norm:  Beats me. ...  Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
                -- Cheers, Loverboyd

Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
                -- Cheers, Loverboyd
Sam:   What's the good word, Norm?
Norm:  Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
Sam:   Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
Norm:  Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Sam:   One heartburn cocktail coming up.
                -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday

Sam:   Whaddya say, Norm?
Norm:  Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.  And down it goes.
                -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor

Woody:  What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:   Boxer shorts and loose shoes.  But I'll settle for a beer.
                -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
Sam:  What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
                -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice

Sam:  What do you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm: Hiya, sailor.  New in town?
                -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up

Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
All:  Norm!  (Norman.)
Sam:  Still pouring, Norm?
Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
                -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
Symptom:                Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
                        unusually pale and clear.
Problem:                Glass empty.
Action Required:        Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Symptom:                Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
                        and the front of your shirt is wet.
Fault:                        Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
                        wrong part of face.
Action Required:        Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
                        Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
                -- Bar Troubleshooting
Symptom:                Everything has gone dark.
Fault:                        The Bar is closing.
Action Required:        Panic.

Symptom:                You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
                        You cannot see the bathroom light.
Fault:                        You have spent the night in the gutter.
Action Required:        Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.  If not,
                        treat yourself to a lie-in.
                -- Bar Troubleshooting
Symptom:                Floor blurred.
Fault:                        You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Action Required:        Find someone who will buy you another beer.

Symptom:                Floor moving.
Fault:                        You are being carried out.
Action Required:        Find out if you are taken to another bar.  If not,
                        complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
                -- Bar Troubleshooting
Symptom:                Floor swaying.
Fault:                        Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
                        game in progress.
Action Required:        Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom:                Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
                        and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
Fault:                        You have fallen forward.
Action Required:        See above.

Symptom:                Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
                        flourescent light strips.
Fault:                        You have fallen over backward.
Action Required:        If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
                        drinking arm, stay put.  If not, get someone to help
                        you get up, lash yourself to bar.
                -- Bar Troubleshooting
The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to
change your name and start a new life in different city.
                -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
There are two problems with a major hangover.  You feel
like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
        While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
        Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
you burn, madam."
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
Woman on Street:        Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
Winston Churchill:        Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
                        I shall be sober in the morning.
Woody:  What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:   The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
        Let's just cut to the happy ending.
                -- Cheers, Airport V

Woody:  Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
Norm:   I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
                -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back

Sam:  Beer, Norm?
Norm: Have I gotten that predictable?  Good.
                -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Norm:  Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
                -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction

Sam:  What are you up to Norm?
Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
                -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh

Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
Norm:  You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
                -- Cheers, Loverboyd
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
Norm:  See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
                -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah

Sam:   Well, look at you.  You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.
Norm:  And I need a beer to wash him down.
                -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah

Woody:  Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:   No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
                -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
Norm:  The warranty on my liver.
                -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do

Sam:  What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
                -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd

Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Another layer for the winter, Wood.
                -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Poor.
Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Norm:  No, I meant `pour'.
                -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
Norm:  Boy meets beer.  Boy drinks beer.  Boy gets another beer.
                -- Cheers, The Proposal

Paul:  Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
Norm:  Like a baby treats a diaper.
                -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson.  A beer, Woody.
                -- Cheers, Paint Your Office

Sam:  How's life treating you?
Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
                -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss

Woody:  Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:   A little early, isn't it Woody?
Woody:  For a beer?
Norm:   No, for stupid questions.
                -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
                -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1

Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  My cheeks on this barstool.
                -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2

Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
Norm:  Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
       Eh, make that one-thirty.
                -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
You can't fall off the floor.
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
                -- Dean Martin
Knucklehead:        "Knock, knock"
Pee Wee:        "Who's there?"
Knucklehead:        "Little ol' lady."
Pee Wee:        "Liddle ol' lady who?"
Knucklehead:        "I didn't know you could yodel"
Q:        Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:        One per person.
Q:        How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A:        When his lips move.
Q:        How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:        Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
Q:        How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A:        Unique up on it!

Q:        How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A:        The tame way!
Q:        How do you keep a moron in suspense?
Q:        How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
A:        The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
Q:        How do you play religious roulette?
A:        You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
        struck by lightning first.
Q:        How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A:        Throw him a rock.
Q:        How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A:        With a blue-elephant gun.

Q:        How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A:        Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with
        a blue-elephant gun.
Q:        How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A:        Take away his credit cards.
Q:        How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A:        Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.

Q:        How long does it take?
A:        It's indeterminate.
        It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.

Q:        What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A:        They replace your generator.
Q:        How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A:        Four.  Two in the front, two in the back.

Q:        How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A:        There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q:        How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:        There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q:        How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:        The door won't shut.

Q:        How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:        There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
Q:        How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:        You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.  Now, if
        you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
Q:        How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:        I'll have to get back to you on that.
Q:        What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A:        A dope ring.

Q:        Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A:        To cover up the valve stem.
Q:        What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A:        Diyathinkhesaurus.

Q:        What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
A:        Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
Q:        What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?
A:        Trustworthy.
Q:        What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A:        A stick.
Q:        What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
A:        Six sick Sikhs (sic).
Q:        What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
        is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
A:        A deep C diva.
Q:        What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a
        lawyer, and believes in social causes?
A:        A failure.
Q:        What do you call the money you pay to the government when
        you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?
A:        A howdah duty.
Q:        What do you call the scratches that you get when a female
        sheep bites you?
A:        Ewe nicks.
Q:        What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A:        You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
Q:        What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A:        An offer you can't understand.
Q:        What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A:        Not enough sand.
Q:        What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
A:        Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
Q:        What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:        Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
        are removable!

Q:        An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
        very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:        Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:        What is a compact city?
A:        It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
        policemen!
                -- Peter Lax
Q:        What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
A:        You can't get down off an elephant.
Q:        What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A:        You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
Q:        Why haven't you graduated yet?
A:        Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
        my dissertation to rhyme.
Q:        Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A:        You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
        gets all the credit.
Q:        Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
        function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A:        That's the Law of Spline Demand.
Q:        Why is Poland just like the United States?
A:        In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
        Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
        you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
                -- being told in Poland, 1987
Q:        Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man
        soup in a plate?
A:        'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems
best.  That's dangerous.  Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to
serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the
schools as 'standards'?  Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to
work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if
not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent,
elitist.  ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such
stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be
supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real
professionals.  Those texts are called 'reading material.'  They are the
academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms,
and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating
resource centers along the roads.
                -- The Underground Grammarian
A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen
floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for
its species, managed to trap them in a corner.  The children cowered,
terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother!
Save us!  Save us!  We're scared, Mother!"
        Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its
children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them,
and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman
proud.  The startled cat fled in fear for its life.
        As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother,
you saved us!" and "Yay!  You scared the cat away!" she turned to them
purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second
language?"
A Parable of Modern Research:

        Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one
brightly lit corner.
        "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!"
        "I can only see here."
        A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
recorded the following on the patient's chart:  "Patient failed to fulfill
his wellness potential."
        Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
        A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
personnel devices."  You probably call them bombs.
        At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status."  That is, they were fired.
        After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
only to receive the following notice:  "We must report that during the handling
of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
unusual laboratory experience."  The use of the passive is a particularly nice
touch, don't you think?  Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
experience.  Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
sent him.
                -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
thought of.
                -- Burt Bacharach
=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE ===============

To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
afford maximum inconvenience to the student.  For example, if you happen
to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes.  If you commute,
there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
it.  If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
                -- Peter Ustinov
... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand.  Human
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
we can tell.  If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
of their world, not in their distorted perceptions.  Even the standard
example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
finite or an infinite number.
                -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
Dear Freshman,
        You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
unknown to you we have something in common.  We are both rather
prone to mistakes.  I was elected Student Government President by
mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
Dear Miss Manners:
        My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
elbows on the table.  However, I have read that one elbow, in between
courses, is all right.  Which is correct?

Gentle Reader:
        For the purpose of answering examinations in your home economics
class, your teacher is correct.  Catching on to this principle of
education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning
correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is.
Did you know the University of Iowa closed down after someone stole the book?
Do you know the difference between education and experience?  Education
is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get
when you don't.
                -- Pete Seeger
Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.
                -- Daniel J. Boorstin
Engineering:    "How will this work?"
Science:        "Why will this work?"
Management:     "When will this work?"
Liberal Arts:   "Do you want fries with that?"
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak
it to?
                -- Clarence Darrow
Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking:

WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS:                        YOU WRITE:

Probably the greatest quality of the poetry        John Milton -- born 1608
of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the
combination of beauty and power.  Few have
excelled him in the use of the English language,
or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form,
'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest
single poem ever written."

Current historians have come to                        Most of the problems that now
doubt the complete advantageousness                face the United States are
of some of Roosevelt's policies...                directly traceable to the
                                                bungling and greed of President
                                                Roosevelt.

... it is possible that we simply do                Professor Mitchell is a
not understand the Russian viewpoint...                communist.
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
                -- Elliot, "E.T."
I am a bookaholic.  If you are a decent person, you will not sell me
another book.
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
                -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the
sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are
loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.
                -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy,
                   University of Tennessee at Knoxville
"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
                -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.
                -- Wilson Mizner
"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper)
presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
                -- English Professor, Providence College
If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get
the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.  See in
college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural
method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall
learn what you have no taste or capacity for.  The college, which should
be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the
young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits.
I would have the studies elective.  Scholarship is to be created not
by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge.  The wise
instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the
attractions the study has for himself.  The marking is a system for schools,
not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to
put on a professor.
                -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
                -- Marguerite Emmons
If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire
deeper insights into what you believe?  The things most worth reading
are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
                -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to
end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
                -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."
                -- A. L.
Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
        In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
Junior, what are you up to?"
        "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
rabbit.
        "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!  No one
will publish such rubbish!"
        "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
        They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the
rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.  Comes along a
wolf.  "Hello, little buddy, what are we doing these days?"
        "I'm writing the 2'nd chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour
wolves."
        "Are you crazy?  Where's your academic honesty?"
        "Come with me and I'll show you."
        As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
and a diploma in his paw.  Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave
and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge
lion, sitting, picking his teeth and belching, next to some furry, bloody
remnants of the wolf and the fox.

        The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are
important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
                        It's grad exam time...
COMPUTER SCIENCE
        Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system.  Prove that these fixes are
bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
new system.  (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)

MATHEMATICS
        If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe the Universe.  Give three examples.
                        It's grad exam time...
MEDICINE
        You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a
bottle of Scotch.  Remove your appendix.  Do not suture until your work has
been inspected.  (You have 15 minutes.)

HISTORY
        Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
economic, religious and philisophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
Africa.  Be brief, concise, and specific.

BIOLOGY
        Create life.  Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture
if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with
special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system.
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
is.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It
isn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
                -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose your ignorance; you cannot
replace it."
                -- Erich Maria Remarque
No matter who you are, some scholar can show you the great idea you had
was had by someone before you.
No wonder you're tired!  You understood so much today.
Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
is from the wrong kind of tree.
                -- Professor, EECS, George Washington University

I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year.
                -- Professor, Harvard, on a  senior thesis.
OK, so you're a Ph.D.  Just don't touch anything.
Reporter:   "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
Yogi Berra: "Closed."
Rules for Good Grammar #4.
         (1) Don't use no double negatives.
         (2) Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
         (3) Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
         (4) About them sentence fragments.
         (5) When dangling, watch your participles.
         (6) Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
         (7) Just between you and i, case is important.
         (8) Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
         (9) Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
        (10) Try to not ever split infinitives.
        (11) It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
        (12) Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
        (13) Correct speling is essential.
        (14) A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
        (15) While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
             careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
             become ensconsed in obscurity.  In other words, eschew obfuscation.
The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned
into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.
                -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
        "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff
and blow, "is to learn something.  That's the only thing that never fails.
You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
it then -- to learn.  Learn why the world wags and what wags it.  That is
the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.  Learning
is the only thing for you.  Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
                -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
Walt:        Dad, what's gradual school?
Garp:        Gradual school?
Walt:        Yeah.  Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching
        gradual school.
Garp:        Oh.  Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually
        find out that you don't want to go to school anymore.
                -- The World According To Garp
What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?
                -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
                -- George Ade
You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.
                -- H.H. Munro
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
                -- J. D. Salinger
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
                -- Alfred Kahn
"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a plowshare,
your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture"
                -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?
                -- Paul Harvey
        A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe.
Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we
never reveal our sauce."
After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only
the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of
any interest...  but even then the interest items are usually buried deep
around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont.  on ...") page...

The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa.  The
Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all.
But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line
or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie
burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the neck.
They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an oriental
woman who seemed to be in control."

Now that's good journalism.  Totally objective; very active and straight
to the point.
                -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
your own."
                -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter Preposterous Words
Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that
rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge.
                -- Erwin Knoll
... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
and you would not have been informed.
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich,
or famous or both.
Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent person could harbor
two opposing ideas in his mind?
                -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
                -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
Of what you see in books, believe 75%.  Of newspapers, believe 50%.  And of
TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.
Photographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do.
                -- Robert B. Goodman
        [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10.  Ed.]
        "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
        "NO! ... I mean Yes!  WHAT?"
        "I'll put `maybe.'"
                -- Bloom County
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system.  Had there been an
actual emergency, then you would no longer be here.
This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.  If this had been an
actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?
This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life, you
would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.
You know the great thing about TV?  If something important happens
anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
you can always change the channel.
                -- Jim Ignatowski
        A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed.  They killed
the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
        "What do you think?" said the the first ranger.
        "The Czech is in the male," replied the second.
Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System.  You couldn't pry that out
of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a
crowbar.
                -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
        Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees
along the block of booths.  She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild!
Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!"
        Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks
would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
        Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like
to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?"
        Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no,
I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it."
        Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a
whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it."
        Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try
it some other time, Carrie."
        She gave it up.
                -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
Do Miami a favor.  When you leave, take someone with you.
Do you know Montana?
Do you know the difference between a yankee and a damyankee?

A yankee comes south to *_____visit*.
For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
"Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
                -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
Fortune presents:
        USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1.

^Cu vi parolas angle?                        Do you speak English?
Mi ne komprenas.                        I don't understand.
Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi        You're the only Esperanto speaker
        renkontas.                                I've met.
La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita.                The check is in the mail.
Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi.                You can't miss it.
Mi nur rigardadas.                        I'm just looking around.
Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo.                        Well, it seemed like a good idea.
Fortune presents:
        USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2.

^Cu tiu loko estas okupita?                Is this seat taken?
^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien?                Do you come here often?
^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron?        May I have your phone number?
Mi estas komputilisto.                        I work with computers.
Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio.        I read a lot of science fiction.
^Cu necesas ke vi eliras?                Do you really have to be going?
Fortune presents:
        USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5.

Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus                I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
        ^cevalon.
Vere vi ^sercas.                        You must be kidding.
Nu, parDOOOOOnu min!                        Well exCUUUUUSE me!
Kiu invitis vin?                        Who invited you?
Kion vi diris pri mia patrino?                What did you say about my mother?
Bu^so^stopu min per kulero.                Gag me with a spoon.
Gay shlafen:  Yiddish for "go to sleep".

Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound than the
harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:
        "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
Obvious, isn't it?
        Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed
individuals and then grow....
        Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on
the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?
I think not, my friend, I think not.
                -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera?  Apparently it is so fast it can
photograph an American with his mouth shut!
I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
pre-Adamite ancestral descent.  You will understand this when I tell you
that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic
globule.  Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable.  I
can't help it.  I was born sneering.
                -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado"
I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today.  Happens
every six months or so.  So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
it with you.  

> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
  the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
> And in LA it's 72.

> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
  is a million percent.
> And in LA it's 72.

> In New York there are a million interesting people.  
> And in LA there are 72.
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations

        Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
                It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
                dressed as a man.

        Above the enterance to a Cairo bar:
                Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
                or similar.

        On a Bucharest elevator:

                The lift is being fixed for the next days.
                During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

                -- Colin Bowles
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
                -- Alexander Korda
It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
                -- Sydney J. Harris
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around
whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
                -- David Letterman
        The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
emerging was approached by a panhandler.  "Mister," said the man, "can I
have a quarter?"
        The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
        The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
right!  Can I have a dollar?"
The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
family name in the world is Chang.  Can you imagine the enormous number
of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
                -- Derek Wills
The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right
turn on a red light.
                -- Woody Allen
There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be an Texan.
Fortunately, he had an Texan friend and went to him for advice.  "Mike,
you know I've always wanted to be a Texan.  You're a *____real* Texan, what
should I do?"
        "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look
like a Texan.  That means you have to dress right.  The second thing
you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl."
        "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker.
        A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed
in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna.  "Hey, there,
pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits,"
he tells the counterman.
        The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says,
"You must be from New York."
        The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am.  How did
you know?"
        "Because this is a hardware store."
To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go
above fifty-eight degrees.  If you collapse on a street in New York, plan
to spend a few days there.
        -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies.  When you
get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?  I was hitch-hiking."
                -- David Letterman
Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
        "All depends," the native drawled.  "Do you mean by them that has
to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
for a short spell?"
Visit[1] the beautiful Smoky Mountains!

[1] visit, v.:
        Come for a week, spend too much money and pay lots of hidden taxes,
        then leave.  We'll be happy to see your money again next year.
        You can save time by simply sending the money, if you're too busy.
What kind of sordid business are you on now?  I mean, man, whither
goest thou?  Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?
                -- Jack Kerouac
When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?  Well, last year, I
think it was a Tuesday.
When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself
Americanized.
You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty spray paint cans
in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.
                -- Guindon
You know you're in a small town when...
        You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
        You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
                merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
        Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
        You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
        You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
        You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
(1) Never draw what you can copy.
(2) Never copy what you can trace.
(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist.  He explained
that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three
assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
each propose to ensure a win.  When they reconvened the gangster started with
the engineer:
        
Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
          blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
          electrical shock to the horse.
G:          That's very good!  But let's hear from the chemist.
Chemist:  I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that disolves
          into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
          cannot be detected in post-race tests.
G:          Excellent, excellent!  But I want to hear from the physicist before
          I decide what to do.  Physicist?  
Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book
The Martian Chronicles?'  I said, `Yes?'  He said, `You know where you
talk about Deimos rising in the East?'  I said, `Yes?'  He said `No.'
-- So I hit him."
                -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and
observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman.  As
they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump.
        The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may
yet save her!!"
        The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my
understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water
from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and
6 feet high."
        The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle."
Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator will be going in the
right direction.  Proof by induction:

N=1.        Trivially true, since both you and the elevator only have one
        floor to go to.

Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
        If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the
        induction hypothesis.  If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you
        and the elevator have only one choice, namely down.  Therefore,
        it is true for all N+1 floors.
QED.
        After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years
in the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they would
finally find and enter the Promised Land.  With him, he brought his
favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do
assorted camp chores.
        The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
as the months passed, became very fond of him.  Patriarchs took to
discussing abtruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
ending, he abruptly wore out.  Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
        "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend
Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it.  He must be properly
interred.  We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians.  Nor have we wood for
a coffin.  But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own
cattle.  We shall bury him in it."
        Feghoot agreed.  "Yes, let this be his last rusting place."
        "Rusting?" Moses cried.  "Not in this dreadful dry desert!"
        "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not
realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
                -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand
                   Feghoot!"
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
                -- Philippe Schnoebelen
Always think of something new; this helps you forget your last rotten idea.
                -- Seth Frankel
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize
winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen.  He was amazed to find that
over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the
open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not
let it spill out).  The American said with a nervous laugh,
        "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck,
do you, Professor Bohr?  After all, as a scientist --"
Bohr chuckled.
        "I believe no such thing, my good friend.  Not at all.  I am
scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense.  However, I am told
that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not."
An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
really care to know.
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt
already heard.  After some observations and rough calculations the
engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.  A few minutes later
the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now
has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.  This leaves the
mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he
was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of
humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too
trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth.  Most notably I have
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old.  Well, I
haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
it.  There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
prejudice and postjudice.  Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
looked at the facts.  Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards.  Prejudice
is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
mistakes.  Postjudice is not terrible.  You can't be perfect of course; you
may make mistakes also.  But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
have examined the evidence.  In some circles it is even encouraged.
                -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism"
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,
and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a
scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."
                -- Matt Cartmill
As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
                -- Dave "First Strike" Pare
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
one went to Harvard).
                -- Edgar R. Fiedler
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
                -- Tom Lehrer
Besides the device, the box should contain:
        * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
        * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
                club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse
and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get
all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major
transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's why."

WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
                -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
Biology grows on you.
But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical
reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than
those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.
                -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T
YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH
SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS
CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING
TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE
DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
                -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship
the number zero?

Is nothing sacred?
Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have
only recaptured 116 of them?
Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
Economists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy would
turn up by the last quarter.  Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
                -- Robert Orben
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called
electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been
drinking.  Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American
homes is 110 volts per hour.  This is very fast.  In the time it has taken
you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the
way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows
why it would want to.

The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current,
lightning, static, and European.  Most American homes have alternating
current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while,
then goes in the other direction.  This prevents harmful electron buildup in
the wires.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.

It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
obvious as you begin to study the universe.  For example, there are no
solids in the universe.  There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
There are no absolute continuums.  There are no surfaces.  There are no
straight lines.
                -- R. Buckminster Fuller
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14
What to do...
    if reality disappears?
        Hope this one doesn't happen to you.  There isn't much that you
        can do about it.  It will probably be quite unpleasant.

    if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
    traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
        Play this one by the book.  Ask about the stock market and cash in.
        Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
        younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox.  If you
        expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
        behind time travel, and possibly schematics.  Never, NEVER, ask
        when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2
What to do...
    if you get a phone call from Mars:
        Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly.  Limit
        your vocabulary to simple words.  Try to determine if you are
        speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen.

    if he, she or it doesn't speak English?
        Hang up.  There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone.
        If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she
        or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before
        calling.

    if you get a phone call from Jupiter?
        Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter,
        he, she or it is not "life as we know it".  Try to terminate the
        conversation as soon as possible.  It will not profit you, and the
        charges may have been reversed.
FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6
What to do...
    if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard?
        First of all, do not run after your camera.  You will not have any
        film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe
        you anyway.  Be polite.  Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
        they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
        Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
        wanted to land, anyway.  A good road map should help.

    if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
    closet contains an alternate dimension?
        Don't walk in.  You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
        and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun.  Remain calm
        and go back to bed.  Close the door first, so that the cat does not
        wander off.  Check your closet in the morning.  If it still contains
        an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.
Good morning.  This is the telephone company.  Due to repairs, we're
giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely
at ten o'clock.  That's two minutes from now.
Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward?  That's the trouble with
time travel, you never can tell."
                -- Doctor Who, "Androids of Tara"
Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your
hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.  Did you
notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?  This
teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never
use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
        It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt.
The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger,
where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels
down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
        Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger
would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you have
carpeting.
                -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
Hi! How are things going?
        (just fine, thank you...)
Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
        (you just asked one...)
Well, how about one more?
        (one more than the first one?)
Yes.
        (you already asked that...)
[at this point, Alphonso gets smart...        ]
May I ask two questions, sir?
        (no.)
May I ask ONE then?
        (nope...)
Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
        (yes, you may.)
Sir, how may I ask you a question?
        (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
         the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
         number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
         next one)
Sir, may I ask nine questions?
        (go right ahead...)
How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?
                -- Charles Schulz
I do hate sums.  There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
exact science.  There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds
entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail
to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to
perceive.  For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again
from the top down, the result is always different.
                -- Mrs. La Touche
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when
you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
                -- Poul Anderson
"I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple
to blue, and it has to do with where the light is.  You know, the
farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light
into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from
the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing
off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the
color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on
out, it's the shifting of color.  We mentioned before about the stars
singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
                -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block
of wax...  and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
forget or do not know.
                -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191

        [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
         referring to image activation and termination.]
I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli-
gence?"  I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
and use the word *billions*, and so on.  And then I say it would be astonishing
to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
yet no compelling evidence for it.  And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
really think?"  I say, "I just told you what I really think."  "Yeah, but
what's your gut feeling?"  But I try not to think with my gut.  Really, it's
okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
                -- Carl Sagan
If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the
answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
the page number.
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
something out of you.
                -- Muhammad Ali
If you analyse anything, you destroy it.
                -- Arthur Miller
If you are smart enough to know that you're not smart enough to be an
Engineer, then you're in Business.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career
in chartered accountancy beckons.
                -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic
                   Systems course.
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't
get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup.
        If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
repeat the sequence.
        You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
hit that window jamb, that door, that chair.  Get back on course and do it
again.  How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
your own apartment?
                -- William S. Burroughs
If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from
many it's research.
                -- Wilson Mizner
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
are all merely transforms of one another.  This combined with
minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost.  However,
this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.
"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
universe."
                -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
their minds and you never hear that old view from them again.  They really
do it.  It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
human and change is sometimes painful.  But it happens every day.  I cannot
recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
                -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
In the beginning there was nothing.  And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
        "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa
to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to
like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely
baroque feel to a continent.  And they tell me it's not equatorial enough.
Equatorial!"  He gave a hollow laugh.  "What does it matter?  Science has
achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than
right any day."
        "And are you?"
        "No.  That's where it all falls down, of course."
        "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy.  "It sounded like quite a good
life-style otherwise."
                -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five
straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But it takes
Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
"It's easier said than done."

... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
done".
It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.
It's later than you think, the joint Russian-American space mission has
already begun.
Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they
are forbidden.  They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see
what I mean.
                -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Make it right before you make it faster.
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen:  whatever you say to them they translate
into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.
                -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.  After a while you'd
run out of air to push against.
Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the
smaller prime numbers.

2:  The Odd Prime --
        It's the only even prime, therefore is odd.  QED.
3:  The True Prime --
        Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
31: The Arbitrary Prime --
        Determined by unanimous unvote.  We needed an arbitrary prime in
        case the prof asked for one, and so had an election.  91 received
        the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most.
        However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all.
41: The Female Prime --
        The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is
        prime for integer values from 1 to 40.
43: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair.

Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities
are derived from those primes.  So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd
but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and
decides to do something about it.  He calls up his best friend, who is a
mathematical genius.  "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some
way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track?  We could
make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life."  The mathematician thinks
this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself.
        A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any
success.  The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes,
actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but
there a number of details to be figured out.
        After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house,
looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have
some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right
track."
        At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by
pounding on his door at three in the morning.  He has dark circles under his
eyes.  His hair hasn't been combed for many days.  He appears to be wearing
the same clothes as the last time.  He has several pencils sticking out from
behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face.  "WE CAN DO
IT!  WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!!
And it's so EASY!  First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple
harmonic motion..."
One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer
terror.
                -- W.K. Hartmann
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
lose your job.  These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works
you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either,
so you're still a valiant nerd.
So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate your
current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and hurl it
into a dumpster.  Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast array of
8-millimeter video equipment.

... OK!  Got everything?  Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you were
gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format that makes
your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as toenail dirt.
This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be made available until
it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a format called "Elroy", so
*order yours now*.
                -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics Revolution"
Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly
big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the
drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
                -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
            Quantum Mechanics?
Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
Supervisee: Yes.
                -- Overheard at a supervision.
The  White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
        "Where shall  I  begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
        "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, "and go on
till you come to the end: then stop."
                -- Lewis Carroll
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.
                -- Merrick Furst
There are three schools of magic.  One:  State a tautology, then ring the
changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy.  Two:  Record many facts.
Try to find a pattern.  Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
science.  Three:  Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking
about.
                -- John von Neumann
This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
constant.  And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's
been called by others the fiddle factor..."
                -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.

Space is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen to you.
TIRED of calculating components of vectors?  Displacements along direction of
force getting you down?  Well, now there's help.  Try amazing "Dot-Product",
the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
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Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
        "Dot-Product really works!  Calculating Z-axis force components has
        never been easier."
Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product.  Use
it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
components.  How much would you pay for it?  But wait, it also calculates the
work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's.  Divide Dot-Product by the
magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator!  Now, how
much would you pay?  All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
But that's not all!  If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
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Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
Call 1-800-DOT-6000.  Operators are standing by.  That number again...
1-800-DOT-6000.  Supplies are limited, so act now.  This offer is not
available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
                -- Thomas Edison
Two men are in a hot-air balloon.  Soon, they find themselves lost in a
canyon somewhere.  One of the three men says, "I've got an idea.  We can
call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the
end of the canyon.  Someone's bound to hear us by then!"
        So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo!  Where
are we?"  (They hear the echo several times).
        Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
You're lost!"
        The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician."
        Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?"
        "For three reasons.  First, he took a long time to answer, second,
he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless."
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
                -- Doug Larson
We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
                -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away.  The center
of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away.  You could drive that in a week,
but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
                -- Andy Rooney
Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
rid of rutabagas which nobody ever bought.  He did so. "Well, kid, that
was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"

Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
        -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
What the deuce is it to me?  You say that we go around the sun.  If we went
around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.
                -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones were
set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the corners as
bodies of a lower grade ...
                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the goal.
                -- Amrom Katz
When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
know the answer either.
                -- Edgar R. Fiedler
        While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to
his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?"
        "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant.  "What do you
mean?"
        The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of
`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just
a moment ago.  It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and
salt was rare and expensive.  A miller received from a wizard a wonderful
machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long.  At first the miller
thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages
had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding
more salt.  The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his
acres.  At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and
be rid of it.  But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine
were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's
why the sea is salt."
        "I don't get you," said the assistant.
                -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron"
Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?
                -- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
        "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
        "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said.  "You should either
bury it or else throw it into the brook."
        "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno.  "How ever would you
do a garden without one?  We make each bed three mouses and a half
long, and two mouses wide."
        I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
how it was used...
                -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"
        "Yo, Mike!"
        "Yeah, Gabe?"
        "We got a problem down on Earth.  In Utah."
        "I thought you fixed that last century!"
        "No, no, not that.  Someone's found a security problem in the physics
program.  They're getting energy out of nowhere."
        "Blessit!  Lemme look...  <tappity clickity tappity>  Hey, it's
there all right!  OK, just a sec...  <tappity clickity tap... save... compile>
There, that ought to patch it.  Dist it out, wouldja?"
                -- Cold Fusion, 1989
You are a taxi driver.  Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
use for only seven years.  One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
the carburetor needs adjusting.  The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
moment is only three-quarters full.  How old is the taxi driver?"
You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat.
                -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics

What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth.
                -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics

You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing.
                -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics
You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
                -- F. Allen
You can't cheat the phone company.
You cannot have a science without measurement.
                -- R. W. Hamming
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
You mean you didn't *know* she was off making lots of little phone companies?
You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
about 10^12 to 1.
                -- Ernest Rutherford
You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from houses.
Really, that's what scientists believe.  In fact many scientists actually
use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the summer.  If you visit a
scientist's house on a sultry August day, you'll find a cheerful fire
roaring on the hearth and the scientist sitting nearby, remarking on how
cool he is and drinking heavily.
                -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
You will never amount to much.
                -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
                -- Greg Oetjen of Lorton, VA in the Washington Post
                   "Style Invitational Report from Week 278" published
                   August 2, 1998
Actor:        So what do you do for a living?
Doris:        I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
        dishes for Chinese restaurants.
                -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
        "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
        "Diet."
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season.  There is a simple
memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
E, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
                -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
                -- Derek Bok
Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and
Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently...

Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
Do not worry about which side your bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage?
Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in?
Have you ever eaten an entire moose?
Can you see your neck?
Do joggers take laps around you for exercise?
If so, welcome to National Fat Week.
This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign,
        ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person.
                -- Garfield
Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
                -- Harry Secombe's diet
Eat drink and be merry!  Tommorrow you may be in Utah.
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
protected species.
        Ingredients:
          1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
          2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
          1 teaspoonful salt
          8 oz. shredded suet
          2 small onions
        1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
    
        Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water.  Soak in salt water
overnight.  Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
the side of pot.  Retain 1 pint of stock.  Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
half only).  Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
salt, pepper and stock to moisten.  Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
swelling.  Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over.  If bag not
available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
four to five hours.
Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:

        I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
        "Hey you, get off my plate"
                -- Roger Midnight
Fortune's diet truths:
1:  Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
2:  Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
3:  Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate.  In fact, carob is not
    an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
4:  There is no such thing as a "fun salad."  So let's stop pretending and see
    salads for what they are:  God's punishment for being fat.
5:  Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
    appealing as tepid beer.
6:  A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
7:  You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
    low-cal."  Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver."  They aren't and
    it isn't.
8:  Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
9:  Fresh fruit is not dessert.  CAKE is dessert!
10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
    swallowing.
        "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary
of her blonde companion.
        "Fishing through the ice," she replied.
        "Fishing through the ice?   Whatever for?"
        "Olives."
How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
a waiter at a nice party?
        Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
d'oeuvre.  If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say:  "This is
cheese!  I hate cheese!"  Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
bite another one and go, "Darn it!  Another cheese!" and so on.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
        "I thought you were trying to get into shape."
        "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euell Gibbons really was a nut?
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a
restaurant.
                -- Snoopy
If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
If you stew apples like cranberries, they taste more like prunes than
rhubarb does.
                -- Groucho Marx
If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
If you're going to America, bring your own food.
                -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."

Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them!  Man, wise up.
                -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers
have been all over it.
                -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it.  You have to
eat it nevertheless.
                -- Flaubert
Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- you can lick it, but it still
won't go away.
Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes
you weep.
                -- Carl Sandburg
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find
there is nothing in it.
                -- James Huneker
Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from.  And when
you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.
                -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
Lobster:
        Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only
proper method of preparing them.  Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your
guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked.
The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea
floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs.  Grasp the lobster
behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say,
"Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a
scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural
apparatus you call a memory!"  The lobster will squirm noticeably.  It may
even take a swipe at you with one of its claws.  Incorrigible.  Pop it into
the pot.  Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will
be, too.
                -- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and
                   Utensils into Excuses and Apologies"
Never drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled with
the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to change into
lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.
Never eat more than you can lift.
                -- Miss Piggy
Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
to plug her latest book.  And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
the following questions:

        (1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
            food?
        (2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
            exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
        (3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
            prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
            double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai?  (Remember, living
            right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
            longer.)

That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
Pete:        Waiter, this meat is bad.
Waiter:        Who told you?
Pete:        A little swallow.
Prunes give you a run for your money.
RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
        (1)  Never eat on an empty stomach.
        (2)  Never leave the table hungry.
        (3)  When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
        (4)  Enjoy your food.
        (5)  Enjoy your companion's food.
        (6)  Really taste your food.  It may take several portions to
             accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
        (7)  Really feel your food.  Texture is important.  Compare,
             for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
             brownie.  Which feels better against your cheeks?
        (8)  Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
        (9)  Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate.  You
             can always eat it later.
        (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
        (11) Avoid blue food.
                -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in
the milk.
                -- Thoreau
The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a
ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last
it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal
woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children,
the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the
bite of fire.  You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold
in your hands.  The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman,
starts a long, long time before the event.
                -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham",
                   from "Congress Eate It Up"
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse.

Cowboy:        "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess.  Hardworkin'.
        Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..."

Horse:  "No, stupid, not feed*back*.  I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later
you're hungry again.
                -- George Miller
        To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely
wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing.
        The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that
food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in
promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction.  For the first time, an
eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and
Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a
pint of ice cream nearby.
                -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
Vegetables are what food eats.
Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
Fish are fast moving vegetables.
Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
                -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
Vegetarians beware!  You are what you eat.
What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's
enemies.  Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking
out of him.
                -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
        "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last,
"what's the first thing you say to yourself?"
        "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh.  "What do you say, Piglet?"
        "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet.
        Pooh nodded thoughtfully.  "It's the same thing," he said.
When you're dining out and you suspect something's wrong, you're probably right.
Where do you go to get anorexia?
                -- Shelley Winters
While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
                -- Edward Stevenson
You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes
make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to
damage them.  They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them.  In
fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes they receive and send them back
to the original givers the next year; some fruitcakes have been passed back
and forth for hundreds of years.

The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then pound
some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet.  Be sure to wear safety glasses.
                -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles.
                -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple,
what might you have done for a truffled turkey?
                -- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
                -- S. Rickly Christian
You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
                -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
You must dine in our cafeteria.  You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, another $2
if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and another $2 for each
"special" he describes involving confusing terms such as "shallots," and $4
if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In many restaurants, this means the
waiter will actually owe you money. If you are traveling with a child aged
six months to three years, you should leave an additional amount equal to
twice the bill to compensate for the fact that they will have to take the
banquette out and burn it because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets
made of partially chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.

In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his hemorrhoids.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
Your mind is the part of you that says,
        "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?"
... and then, twenty minutes later, says,
        "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"
                -- Steven and Ondrea Levine
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!

100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
D is for dd, the command that does all.
E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for grep, a clever detective, while
H is for halt, which may seem defective.
I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for join, which nobody uses.
K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for more, from which less was begot, and
N is for nice, which it really is not.
O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table.
S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for true, which does very little.
U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
                -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
A little word of doubtful number,
A foe to rest and peaceful slumber.
If you add an "s" to this,
Great is the metamorphosis.
Plural is plural now no more,
And sweet what bitter was before.
What am I?
A mighty creature is the germ,
Though smaller than the pachyderm.
His customary dwelling place
Is deep within the human race.
His childish pride he often pleases
By giving people strange diseases.
Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
You probably contain a germ.
                -- Ogden Nash
A pig is a jolly companion,
Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
Though mountains may topple and tilt.
When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
You'll never go wrong with a pig!
                -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.
All tenderly his messenger he chose;
Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--
One perfect rose.

I knew the language of the floweret;
"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."
Love long has taken for his amulet
One perfect rose.

Why is it no one ever sent me yet
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no, it's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.
                -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose"
A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.
                -- William Blake
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain.  And futures have
A way of falling down in midflight,
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn
With every goodbye you learn.
                -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn"
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-null bottles of beer,
You take one down, and pass it around,
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
        All that you touch,                And all you create,
        All that you see,                And all you destroy,
        All that you taste,                All that you do,
        All you feel,                        And all you say,
        And all that you love,                All that you eat,
        And all that you hate,                And everyone you meet,
        All you distrust,                All that you slight,
        All you save,                        And everyone you fight,
        And all that you give,                And all that is now,
        And all that you deal,                And all that is gone,
        All that you buy,                And all that's to come,
        Beg, borrow or steal,                And everything under the sun is
                                                in tune,
                                        But the sun is eclipsed
                                        By the moon.

There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark.
                -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon"
And all that the Lorax left here in this mess
was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless."
Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess.
That was long, long ago, and each day since that day,
I've worried and worried and worried away.
Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart,
I've worried about it with all of my heart.

"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here,
the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear!
UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
nothing is going to get better - it's not.
So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler.  He lets something fall.
"It's a truffula seed.  It's the last one of all!

"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds.
And truffula trees are what everyone needs.
Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care.
Give it clean water and feed it fresh air.
Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack.
Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!"
And here I wait so patiently
Waiting to find out what price
You have to pay to get out of
Going thru all of these things twice
                -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"
And I heard Jeff exclaim,
As they strolled out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all --
You take credit cards, right?"
                -- "Outsiders" comic
And if you wonder,
What I am doing,
As I am heading for the sink.
I am spitting out all the bitterness,
Along with half of my last drink.
And now your toner's toney,                Disk blocks aplenty
And your paper near pure white,                Await your laser drawn lines,
The smudges on your soul are gone        Your intricate fonts,
And your output's clean as light..        Your pictures and signs.

We've labored with your father,                Your amputative absence
The venerable XGP,                        Has made the Ten dumb,
But his slow artistic hand,                Without you, Dover,
Lacks your clean velocity.                We're system untounged-

Theses and papers                         DRAW Plots and TEXage
And code in a queue                        Have been biding their time,
Dover, oh Dover,                        With LISP code and programs,
We've been waiting for you.                And this crufty rhyme.

Dover, oh Dover,                Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead.
We welcome you back,                Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed.
Though still you may jam,        Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab.
You're on the right track.        Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean
                                        hand...
...and report cards I was always afraid to show
Mama'd come to school
and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
Got a good head if he'd apply it
but you know yourself
it's always somewhere else
I'd build me a castle
with dragons and kings
and I'd ride off with them
As I stood by my window
and looked out on those
Brooklyn roads
                -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"
And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane?
        She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same.
        Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine
        All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?"
                -- The Grateful Dead
Antonio Antonio
Was tired of living alonio
He thought he would woo                        Antonio Antonio
Miss Lucamy Lu,                                Rode of on his polo ponio
Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio.                And found the maid
                                        In a bowery shade,
                                        Sitting and knitting alonio.
Antonio Antonio
Said if you will be my ownio
I'll love tou true                        Oh nonio Antonio
And buy for you                                You're far too bleak and bonio
An icery creamry conio.                        And all that I wish
                                        You singular fish
                                        Is that you will quickly begonio.
Antonio Antonio
Uttered a dismal moanio
And went off and hid
Or I'm told that he did
In the Antartical Zonio.
As I was going up Punch Card Hill,
        Feeling worse and worser,
There I met a C.R.T.
        And it drop't me a cursor.

C.R.T., C.R.T.,
        Phosphors light on you!
If I had fifty hours a day
        I'd spend them all at you.
                -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies,
Shy little angels as gentle as puppies,
Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish,
They were just some of my tropical fish.

Then I got mantas that sting in the water,
Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter,
Savage male betas that bite with a squish,
Now I have many less tropical fish.

        If you think that
        Fish are peaceful
        That's an empty wish.
        Just dump them together
        And leave them alone,
        And soon you will have -- no fish.
                -- To My Favorite Things
Boy, get your head out of the stars above,
You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
Save your heart and let your body be enough,
To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
Save your heart and let your body be enough,
And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love.
                -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love"
But I was there and I saw what you did,
I saw it with my own two eyes.
So you can wipe off that grin;
I know where you've been--
It's all been a pack of lies!
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
                -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
Less dear than army ants in apple pies
Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
By the time you swear you're his,
shivering and sighing
and he vows his passion is
infinite, undying --
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.
                -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence"
Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world.
                -- The Beach Boys
Cecil, you're my final hope
Of finding out the true Straight Dope
For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
But none of my cats are at all like that.
This unusual animal (so it is said)
Is simultaneously alive and dead!
What I don't understand is just why he
Can't be one or the other, unquestionably.
My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
                -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
                   of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
But it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money?
                -- Ogden Nash
Christmas time is here, by Golly;        Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
Disapproval would be folly;                Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
Deck the halls with hunks of holly;        Even though the prospect sickens,
Fill the cup and don't say when...        Brother, here we go again.

On Christmas day, you can't get sore;        Relations sparing no expense'll,
Your fellow man you must adore;                Send some useless old utensil,
There's time to rob him all the more,        Or a matching pen and pencil,
The other three hundred and sixty-four!        Just the thing I need... how nice.

It doesn't matter how sincere                Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit;        Advertising wondrous things.
Sentiment will not endear it;                God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
What's important is... the price.        May you make the Yuletide pay.
                                        Angels We Have Heard On High,
Let the raucous sleighbells jingle;        Tell us to go out and buy.
Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle,        Sooooo...
Driving his reindeer across the sky,
Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
                -- Tom Lehrer
Come live with me and be my love,
And we will some new pleasures prove
Of golden sands and crystal brooks
With silken lines, and silver hooks.
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
If you would be my POSSLQ.

You live with me, and I with you,
And you will be my POSSLQ.
I'll be your friend and so much more;
That's what a POSSLQ is for.

And everything we will confess;
Yes, even to the IRS.
Some day on what we both may earn,
Perhaps we'll file a joint return.
You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint;
You'll share my life - up to a point!
And that you'll be so glad to do,
Because you'll be my POSSLQ.
Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait!
Catholic girls start much too late,
Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate,
I might as well be the one.
Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray,
Built you a temple and locked you away,
Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid,
The things that you might have done.
So come on, Virginia, show me a sign,
Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line,
That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind,
Never lets in the sun.
Darling, only the good die young!
                -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full
Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood,
Stop up the access and passage to remorse
That no compunctious visiting of nature
Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between
The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
Wherever in your sightless substances
You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell,
That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
To cry `Hold, hold!'
                -- Lady MacBeth
Coming to Stores Near You:

101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring:

        (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog
        It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing
        I'm Not Misbehaving

And A Whole Lot More...
Don't be concerned, it will not harm you,
It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of,
Across my dreams, with neptive wonder,
I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love.
Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
                -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"
Don't lose
Your head
To gain a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it.
                -- Burma Shave
Don't wake me up too soon...
Gonna take a ride across the moon...
You and me.
Double Bucky, you're the one,
You make my keyboard so much fun,
Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
Control and meta, side by side,
Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!

Oh, I sure wish that I,
Had a couple of bits more!
Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.

Double Double Bucky!  Double Bucky left and right
OR'd together, outta sight!
Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
                -- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
                be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
                by screen editors.  [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]
Down to the Banana Republics,
Down to the tropical sun.
Go the expatriated Americans,
Hoping to find some fun.
Some of them go for the sailing,
Caught by the lure of the sea.
Trying to find what is ailing,
Living in the land of the free.
Some of them are running from lovers,
Leaving no forward address.
Some of them are running tons of ganja,
Some are running from the IRS.
Late at night you will find them,
In the cheap hotels and bars.
Hustling the senoritas,
While they dance beneath the stars.
                -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics"
Easy come and easy go,
        some call me easy money,
Sometimes life is full of laughs,
        and sometimes it ain't funny
You may think that I'm a fool
        and sometimes that is true,
But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
        with or without you.
                -- Hoyt Axton
Even in the moment of our earliest kiss,
When sighed the straitened bud into the flower,
Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this;
And that I knew, though not the day and hour.
Too season-wise am I, being country-bred,
To tilt at autumn or defy the frost:
Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did,
I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost."
I only hoped, with the mild hope of all
Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree,
A fairer summer and a later fall
Than in these parts a man is apt to see,
And sunny clusters ripened for the wine:
I tell you this across the blackened vine.
                -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of
                   Our Earliest Kiss", 1931
Ever since I was a young boy,
I've hacked the ARPA net,
From Berkeley down to Rutgers,                He's on my favorite terminal,
Any access I could get,                        He cats C right into foo,
But ain't seen nothing like him,        His disciples lead him in,
On any campus yet,                        And he just breaks the root,
That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,                Always has full SYS-PRIV's,
Sure sends a mean packet.                Never uses lint,
                                        That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
                                        Sure sends a mean packet.
He's a UNIX wizard,
There has to be a twist.
The UNIX wizard's got                        Ain't got no distractions,
Unlimited space on disk.                Can't hear no whistles or bells,
How do you think he does it?                Can't see no message flashing,
I don't know.                                Types by sense of smell,
What makes him so good?                        Those crazy little programs,
                                        The proper bit flags set,
                                        That deaf, dumb, and blind kid,
                                        Sure sends a mean packet.
                -- UNIX Wizard
Everybody knows that the dice are loaded.  Everybody rolls with their
fingers crossed.  Everybody knows the war is over.  Everybody knows the
good guys lost.  Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay
poor, the rich get rich.  That's how it goes.  Everybody knows.

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking.  Everybody knows the captain
lied.  Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog
just died.

Everybody talking to their pockets.  Everybody wants a box of chocolates
and long stem rose.  Everybody knows.

Everybody knows that you love me, baby.  Everybody knows that you really
do.  Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or
two.  Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people
you just had to meet without your clothes.  And everybody knows.

And everybody knows it's now or never.  Everybody knows that it's me or you.
And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two.
Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
for you ribbons and bows.  And everybody knows.
        -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows"
Everywhere you go you'll see them searching,
Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain,
Everyone is looking for the answer,
Well look again.
                -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World"
Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature,
An endothermic quadroped, carnivorous by nature.
Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses
Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses.
I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations,
A singular development of cat communications
That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
And when not being utilitized to aid in locomotion,
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend,
I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend.
        -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot"
Five names that I can hardly stand to hear,
Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here,
I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard,
And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard,
Yes, I'm goin' insane,
And I'm laughing at the frozen rain,
Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
        Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend,
        Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a
        Transistor and a large sum of money to spend...
You fellah, you tearin' up the street,
You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat,
Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see,
That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me,
Yes, and goin' insane,
You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain,
Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home?
(chorus)
                -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan"
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under;
so let it lay with Caesar.  The cool Brutus
Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, --
for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
Get out, you old Wight!  Vanish in the sunlight!
Shrivel like the cold mist, like the winds go wailing,
Out into the barren lands far beyond the mountains!
Come never here again!  Leave your barrow empty!
Lost and forgotten be, darker than the darkness,
Where gates stand for ever shut, till the world is mended.
                -- J. R. R. Tolkien
Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
    Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
But if you split those atoms fine,
    Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!

Gimme zits, take my dough,
    Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
Call the devil and sell my soul,
    But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
                -- Milo Bloom, "The Split-Atom Blues," in "Bloom County"
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss -- and when.
Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three do.
Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

        You are a fluke of the universe ...
        You have no right to be here.
        Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
        Is laughing behind your back.
                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
God rest ye CS students now,                The bearings on the drum are gone,
Let nothing you dismay.                        The disk is wobbling, too.
The VAX is down and won't be up,        We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
Until the first of May.                        Can't tell false from true.
The program that was due this morn,        And now we find that we can't get
Won't be postponed, they say.                At Berkeley's 4.2.
(chorus)                                (chorus)

We've just received a call from DEC,        And now some cheery news for you,
They'll send without delay                The network's also dead,
A monitor called RSuX                        We'll have to print your files on
It takes nine hundred K.                The line printer instead.
The staff committed suicide,                The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
We'll bury them today.                        And only cards are read.
(chorus)                                (chorus)

And now we'd like to say to you                CHORUS:        Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
Before we go away,                                Comfort and joy,
We hope the news we've brought to you                Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
Won't ruin your whole day.
You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
(chorus)
                -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
Hear him whip the women, just around midnight

Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?
Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should

Drums beating cold English blood runs hot
Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
House boy knows that he's doing alright
You should a heard him just around midnight.
...
I bet your mama was tent show queen
And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen
I'm no school boy but I know what I like
You should have heard me just around midnight.
                -- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"
Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack,
I went out for a ride and never came back.
Like a river that don't know where it's flowing,
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going.

        Everybody's got a hungry heart.
        Everybody's got a hungry heart.
        Lay down your money and you play your part,
        Everybody's got a hungry heart.

I met her in a Kingstown bar,
We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
We took what we had and we ripped it apart,
Now here I am down in Kingstown again.

Everybody needs a place to rest,
Everybody wants to have a home.
Don't make no difference what nobody says,
Ain't nobody likes to be alone.
                -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart"
H:        If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
        Slice him up before he slays you.
        Nothing makes you look a slob
        Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
                -- The Roguelet's ABC
        Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there
may be in Science.  As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system.
Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results.  And listen to others,
even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers.  Avoid loud and
aggressive persons, for they are sales reps.
        If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised,
for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched.
Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real
hassle and could change your fortunes in time.
        Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of
bugs.  But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive
for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations.  Strive for
proportionality.  Especially, do not faint when it occurs.  Neither be cyclical
about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed.
        Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points.  Gracefully pass
them on to the youth at the next desk.  Nurture some mutual funds to shield
you in times of sudden layoffs.  But do not distress yourself with imaginings
-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly.  Murphy's Law runs the
Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0.
        Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you
can conceive of to try.  With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken
line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary.  Be linear.  Strive
to stay employed.
                -- Technolorata, "Analog"
"Had he and I but met
By some old ancient inn,                But ranged as infantry,
We should have sat us down to wet        And staring face to face,
Right many a nipperkin!                        I shot at him as he at me,
                                        And killed him in his place.
I shot him dead because --
Because he was my foe,                        He thought he'd 'list, perhaps,
Just so: my foe of course he was;        Off-hand-like -- just as I --
That's clear enough; although                Was out of work -- had sold his traps
                                        No other reason why.
Yes; quaint and curious war is!
You shoot a fellow down
You'd treat, if met where any bar is
Or help to half-a-crown."
                -- Thomas Hardy
Have you ever felt like a wounded cow
halfway between an oven and a pasture?
walking in a trance toward a pregnant
        seventeen-year-old housewife's
        two-day-old cookbook?
                -- Richard Brautigan
Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
Like some bright erotic star,
He lights up the proceedings,
And raises the temperature.
                -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"
Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.

How can you tell me you're lonely,
And say for you the sun don't shine?
Let me take you by the hand
Lead you through the streets of London
I'll show you something to make you change your mind...

Have you seen the old man outside the sea-man's mission
Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue?
On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air,
High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars,
Spending every dime, for a wonderful time...
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
Why don't you go where fashion sits,
...
Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
Or umberellas, in their mitts,
Puttin' on the Ritz.
...
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
Why don't you go where fashion sits,
Puttin' on the Ritz.
Puttin' on the Ritz.
Puttin' on the Ritz.
Puttin' on the Ritz.
He thought he saw an albatross
That fluttered 'round the lamp.
He looked again and saw it was
A penny postage stamp.
"You'd best be getting home," he said,
"The nights are rather damp."
He's been like a father to me,
He's the only DJ you can get after three,
I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band,
And why he don't like me I don't understand.
                -- The Byrds
Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be
I've been caught inside this trap too many times
I must've walked these steps and said these words a
        thousand times before
It seems like I know everybody's lines.
                -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?"
Here in my heart, I am Helen;
        I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
        I'm Salome, moon of the East.

Here in my soul I am Sappho;
        Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
        With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell.

I'm all of the glamorous ladies
        At whose beckoning history shook.
But you are a man, and see only my pan,
        So I stay at home with a book.
                -- Dorothy Parker
Hey! Come merry dol! derry dol!  My darling!
Light goes the weather-wind and the feathered starling.

Down along under Hill, shining in the sunlight,
Waiting on the doorstep for the cold starlight,
There my pretty lady is, River-woman's daughter,
Slender as the willow-wand, clearer than the water.

Old Tom Bombadil water-lilies bringing
Comes hopping home again.  Can you hear him singing?
Hey!  Come merry dol! derry dol! and merry-o
Goldberry, Goldberry, merry yellow berry-o!

Poor old Willow-man, you tuck your roots away!
Tom's in a hurry now.  Evening will follow day.
Tom's going home again water-lilies bringing.
Hey! come derry dol!  Can you hear me singing?
                -- J. R. R. Tolkien
Hey! now!  Come hoy now!  Whither do you wander?
Up, down, near or far, here, there or yonder?
Sharp-ears, Wise-nose, Swish-tail and Bumpkin,
White-socks my little lad, and old Fatty Lumpkin!
                -- J. R. R. Tolkien
Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl
To get a little more stack;
If that's not enough then you lose it all
And have to pop all the way back.
History is curious stuff
        You'd think by now we had enough
Yet the fact remains I fear
        They make more of it every year.
Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy,
Burn that sausage just a match or two more done.
Pour my black old coffee longer,
While that smell is gettin' stronger
A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want.

Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me,
With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun,
If that coat'll fit you're wearin',
The Lord'll bless your sharin'
A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want.

And let me halfway fall in love,
For part of a lonely night,
With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
Yes, I could halfway fall in deep--
Into a snugglin', lovin' heap,
With a semi-pretty woman in my arms.
                -- Elroy Blunt
Hop along my little friends, up the Withywindle!
Tom's going on ahead candles for to kindle.
Down west sinks the Sun; soon you will be groping.
When the night-shadows fall, then the door will open,
Out of the winfow-panes light will twinkle yellow.
Fear no alder black!  Heed no hoary willow!
Fear neither root nor bough!  Tom goes on before you.
Hey now! merry dol!  We'll be waiting for you!
                -- J. R. R. Tolkien
How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?
                -- Pink Floyd
I always will remember --                I was in no mood to trifle;
'Twas a year ago November --                I got down my trusty rifle
I went out to shoot some deer                And went out to stalk my prey --
On a morning bright and clear.                What a haul I made that day!
I went and shot the maximum                I tied them to my bumper and
The game laws would allow:                I drove them home somehow,
Two game wardens, seven hunters,        Two game wardens, seven hunters,
And a cow.                                And a cow.

The Law was very firm, it                People ask me how I do it
Took away my permit--                        And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
The worst punishment I ever endured.        You just stand there lookin' cute,
It turns out there was a reason:        And when something moves, you shoot."
Cows were out of season, and                And there's ten stuffed heads
One of the hunters wasn't insured.        In my trophy room right now:
                                        Two game wardens, seven hunters,
                                        And a pure-bred guernsey cow.
                -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"
I had an errand there: gathering water-lilies,
green leaves and lilies white to please my pretty lady,
the last ere the year's end to keep them from the winter,
to flower by her pretty feet till the snows are melted.

Each year at summer's end I go to find them for her,
in a wide pool, deep and clear, far down Withywindle;
there they open first in spring and there they linger latest.

By that pool long ago I found the River-daughter,
fair young Goldberry sitting in the rushes.
Sweet was her singing then, and her heart was beating!

And that proved well for you--for now I shall no longer
go down deep again along the forest-water,
no while the year is old.  Nor shall I be passing
Old Man Willow's house this side of spring-time,
not till the merry spring, when the River-daughter
dances down the withy-path to bathe in the water.
                -- J. R. R. Tolkien
I have lots of things in my pockets;
None of them is worth anything.
Sociopolitical whines aside,
Gan you give me, gratis, free,
The price of half a gallon
Of Gallo extra bad
And most of the bus fare home.
I know if you been talkin' you done said
just how suprised you wuz by the living dead.
You wuz suprised that they could understand you words
and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
But don't you get square!
There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind.
I never saw a purple cow
I never hope to see one
But I can tell you anyhow
I'd rather see than be one.
                -- Gellett Burgess

I've never seen a purple cow
I never hope to see one
But from the milk we're getting now
There certainly must be one
                -- Odgen Nash

Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"  
I'm sorry now I wrote it
But I can tell you anyhow
I'll kill you if you quote it.
                -- Gellett Burgess, many years later
"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5."
He said,"What you need is to grow up, son."
I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old,
And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun."
                -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song"
I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
'Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this,
I accosted the man,
"It is futile," I said.
"You can never--"
"You lie!" He cried,
and ran on.
                -- Stephen Crane
I sent a letter to the fish,                I said it very loud and clear,
I told them, "This is what I wish."        I went and shouted in his ear.
The little fishes of the sea,                But he was very stiff and proud,
They sent an answer back to me.                He said "You needn't shout so loud."
The little fishes' answer was                And he was very proud and stiff,
"We cannot do it, sir, because..."        He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
I sent a letter back to say                I took a kettle from the shelf,
It would be better to obey.                I went to wake them up myself.
But someone came to me and said                But when I found the door was locked
"The little fishes are in bed."                I pulled and pushed and kicked and
                                                knocked,
I said to him, and I said it plain        And when I found the door was shut,
"Then you must wake them up again."        I tried to turn the handle, But...

        "Is that all?" asked Alice.
        "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
I sent a message to another time,
But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe,
I sent a message to another plane,
Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive.
...
I met someone who looks at lot like you,
She does the things you do, but she is an IBM.
She's only programmed to be very nice,
But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near,
She tells me that she likes me very much,
But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear.
...
I realize that it must seem so strange,
That time has rearranged, but time has the final word,
She knows I think of you, she reads my mind,
She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world.
                -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095"
I think that I shall never see
A thing as lovely as a tree.
But as you see the trees have gone
They went this morning with the dawn.
A logging firm from out of town
Came and chopped the trees all down.
But I will trick those dirty skunks
And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.
"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!"
"As a programmer, yes," she replied,
"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!"
"You said you were blonde, but you lied!"
Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too,
They had so much in common, you'd say.
They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks,
And prompts that were cute or risque'.
He sent her a picture of his brother Sam,
She sent one from some past high school day,
And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives,
If they hadn't met in L.A.
"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust.
He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!"
And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest
If you were not so totally weird!"
If she had not said what he wanted to hear,
And he had not done just the same,
They'd have been far more honest, and never have met,
And would not have had fun with the game.
                -- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of
                Electronic Mail"
I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
        No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
        No more, Mr. Clean,
        No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
They say "He's sick, he's obscene".

My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
And punched me in the nose, he said,
(chorus)
He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
                -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle.
I said "Hi, what's happenin'?"
He said "Nothin'."
Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm;
As if you just squashed a cop.
                -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song"
I'll see you... on the dark side of the moon...
                -- Pink Floyd
I'm an artist.
But it's not what I really want to do.
What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman.
I know what you're going to say --
"Dreamer!  Get your head out of the clouds."
All right!  But it's what I want to do.
Instead I have to go on painting all day long.

The world should make a place for shoe salesmen.
                -- J. Feiffer
I'm just as sad as sad can be!
        I've missed your special date.
Please say that you're not mad at me
        My tax return is late.
                -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards
I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here
                -- Song title by Stephen Bishop.

She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft
                -- Song title by Jerry Reed.

When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?
                -- Song title by Lewis Grizzard.

I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
                -- Unattributed song title.

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life
                -- Unattributed song title.
I've built a better model than the one at Data General
For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.

I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
I've built a better model than the one at Data General.

                -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
                   "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
                   by Gilbert & Sullivan)
If Dr. Seuss Were a Technical Writer.....

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?  What a shame, sir!
We'll find you another game, sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to ram your rom.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

                -- DementDJ@ccip.perkin-elmer.com (DementDJ) [rec.humor.funny]
If I could read your mind, love,
What a tale your thoughts could tell,
Just like a paperback novel,
The kind the drugstore sells,
When you reach the part where the heartaches come,
The hero would be me,
Heroes often fail,
You won't read that book again, because
        the ending is just too hard to take.

I walk away, like a movie star,
Who gets burned in a three way script,
Enter number two,
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out in me,
But for now, love, let's be real
I never thought I could act this way,
And I've got to say that I just don't get it,
I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone
And I just can't get it back...
                -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind"
If I could stick my pen in my heart,
I would spill it all over the stage.
Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya,
Would you think the boy was strange?
Ain't he strange?
...
If I could stick a knife in my heart,
Suicide right on the stage,
Would it be enough for your teenage lust,
Would it help to ease the pain?
Ease your brain?
                -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll"
If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
                -- Alan Parsons Project
If you had just a minute to breathe,
And they granted you one final wish,
Would you ask for something
Like another chance?
                -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of High Heeled Boys"
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
        Or some joker who is slicker,
        Will trick you of your liquor,
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
As well as by traffic and crime,
Consider how worry-free gophers are,
Though living on burrowed time.
        -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83
In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.
Find the fun and snap!  The job's a game.
And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake,
        a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see.
                -- Mary Poppins
It was one time too many
One word too few
It was all too much for me and you
There was one way to go
Nothing more we could do
One time too many
One word too few
                -- Meredith Tanner
It's just a jump to the left
        And then a step to the right.
Put your hands on your hips
        And pull your knees in tight.
It's the pelvic thrust
        That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane

        LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
                -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
It's just apartment house rules,
So all you 'partment house fools
Remember:  one man's ceiling is another man's floor.
One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
                -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor"
It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment,
        just to see if it's real,
Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel,
But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face,
So ask me just one question when this magic night is through,
Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you?
                -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses"
`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
        As he landed his crew with care;
Supporting each man on the top of the tide
        By a finger entwined in his hair.

'Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice:
        That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice:
        What I tell you three times is true.'
`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
        As he landed his crew with care;
Supporting each man on the top of the tide
        By a finger entwined in his hair.

`Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it twice:
        That alone should encourage the crew.
Just the place for a Snark!  I have said it thrice:
        What I tell you three times is true.'
Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone,
Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you,
I went out this morning and I wrote down this song,
Just can't remember who to send it to...

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
But I always thought that I'd see you again.
Thought I'd see you one more time again.
                -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain"
K:        Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
        Cobol's wordy and confining;
        KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
        Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
                -- The Roguelet's ABC
Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Ether!  (ether who?)  Ether Bunny... Yea!
[chorus]
        Yeay!
        Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side,
        Stay on the Happy side of life!
        Bum bum bum bum bum bum
        You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane,
        So Stay on the Happy Side of life!

Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Anna!  (anna who?)
        An another ether bunny... [chorus]
Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Stilla!  (stilla who?)
        Still another ether bunny... [chorus]
Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Yetta!  (yetta who?)
        Yet another ether bunny... [chorus]
Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Cargo!  (cargo who?)
        Cargo beep beep and run over ether bunny... [chorus]
Knock Knock...  (who's there?)  Boo!  (boo who?)
        Don't Cry!  Ether bunny be back next year! [chorus]
Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps,
Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants,
I come before you to stand behind you
To tell you of something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday (which is good Friday),
There will be a convention held in the
Women's Club which is strictly for Men.
Admission is free, pay at the door,
Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
It was a summer's day in winter,
And the snow was raining fast,
As a barefoot boy with shoes on,
Stood sitting in the grass.
Oh, that bright day in the dead of night,
Two dead men got up to fight.
Three blind men to see fair play,
Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"!
Back to back, they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Came and arrested those two dead boys.
Ladles and Jellyspoons!
I come before you to stand behind you,
To tell you something I know nothing about.
Since next Thursday will be Good Friday,
There will be a fathers' meeting, for mothers only.
Wear your best clothes, if you don't have any,
And please stay at home if you can possibly be there.
Admission is free, please pay at the door.
Have a seat on me: please sit on the floor.
No matter where you manage to sit,
The man in the balcony will certainly spit.
We thank you for your unkind attention,
And would now like to present our next act:
"The Four Corners of the Round Table."
Lady, lady, should you meet
One whose ways are all discreet,
One who murmurs that his wife
Is the lodestar of his life,
One who keeps assuring you
That he never was untrue,
Never loved another one...
Lady, lady, better run!
                -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note"
Let us go then you and I
while the night is laid out against the sky
like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie.

"Nice poem Tom.  I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?"
        -- Ezra
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
                -- T.S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock"
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
                -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy"
Lighten up, while you still can,
Don't even try to understand,
Just find a place to make your stand,
And take it easy.
                -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy"
Like corn in a field I cut you down,
I threw the last punch way too hard,
After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time,
To throw in my hand for a new set of cards.
And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend,
I figured we'd painted too much of this town,
And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon,
And I knew then I had lost what should have been found,
I knew then I had lost what should have been found.
        And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford
        I'm as low as a paid assassin is
        You know I'm cold as a hired sword.
        I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up,
        You know I can't think straight no more
        You make me feel like a bullet, honey,
                a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford.
                -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet"
Lizzie Borden took an axe,
And plunged it deep into the VAX;
Don't you envy people who
Do all the things ___YOU want to do?
Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay.
Love isn't love 'til you give it away.
                -- Oscar Hammerstein II
Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
        seized this one for the fair form
        that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still.
Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
        seized me so strongly with delight in him,
        that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
Love brought us to one death.
                -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06
Margaret, are you grieving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leaves, like the things of man,
You, with your fresh thoughts
Care for, can you?
Ah! as the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie
And yet you will weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name
Sorrow's springs are the same:
It is the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.
                -- Gerard Manley Hopkins.
Most folks they like the daytime,
        'cause they like to see the shining sun.
They're up in the morning,
        off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
But when the sun goes down,
        and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.

Now there are two sides to this great big world,
        and one of them is always night.
If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby,
        I guess you're gonna be all right.
Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand.
        My eyes just can't stand the light.

'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long.
                -- Carly Simon
My analyst told me that I was right out of my head,
        But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead.
Because I have got a thing that is unique and new,
        To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you.
'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two.

And you know two heads are better than one.
My My, hey hey
Rock and roll is here to stay        The king is gone but he's not forgotten
It's better to burn out                This is the story of a Johnny Rotten
Than to fade away                It's better to burn out than it is to rust
My my, hey hey                        The king is gone but he's not forgotten

It's out of the blue and into the black                Hey hey, my my
They give you this, but you pay for that        Rock and roll can never die
And once you're gone you can never come back        There's more to the picture
When you're out of the blue                        Than meets the eye
And into the black
                -- Neil Young
                "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps"
"My name is Sue!  How do you do?!  Now you gonna die!"
Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes,
And he went down, but to my surprise,
Come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear.
So I busted a chair right across his teeth,
And we crashed through the walls and into the streets,
Kickin' and a-gougin' in the mud and the blood and beer.
Now I tell you, I've fought tougher men,
But I really can't remember when:
He kicked like a mule and he bit like a crocodile.
But I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss,
And he went for his gun, but I pulled mine first,
And he sat there lookin' at me, and I saw him smile.
He said: "Son, this world is rough,
And if a man's gonna make it he's gotta be tough,
And I knew I wouldn't be there to help you along.
So I give you that name and I said goodbye,
And I knew you'd have to get tough or die,
And it's that name that's helped to make you strong!
                -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
Neuroses are red,
        Melancholia's blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
        What are you?
New York's got the ways and means;
Just won't let you be.
                -- The Grateful Dead
New York-- to that tall skyline I come
Flyin' in from London to your door
New York-- lookin' down on Central Park
Where they say you should not wander after dark.
New York.
                -- Simon and Garfunkle
Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.
Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.
                -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
And tapes without any tracks;
Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
And tapes mixed up on the racks --
        Take hold of the tape
        And pull off the strip,
        And then you'll be sure
        Your tape drive will skip.
                -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
No one likes us.
I don't know why.
We may not be perfect,                        We give them money,
But heaven knows we try.                But are they grateful?
But all around,                                No, they're spiteful,
Even our old friends put us down.        And they're hateful.
Let's drop the big one,                        They don't respect us,
And see what happens.                        So let's surprise them
                                        We'll drop the big one,
                                        And pulverize 'em.
Asia's crowded,
Europe's too old,
Africa is far too hot,                        We'll save Australia.
And Canada's too cold.                        Don't wanna hurt no kangaroos.
And South America stole our name        We'll build an All-American amusement
Let's drop the big one,                                park there--
There'll be no one left to blame us.        They got surfin', too!

Boom! goes London,
And Boom! Paree.
More room for you,                        Oh, how peaceful it'll be!
And more room for me,                        We'll set everybody free!
And every city,                                You'll wear a Japanese kimono, babe;
The whole world round,                        There'll be Italian shoes for me!
Will just be another American town.        They all hate us anyhow,
                                        So, let's drop the big one now.
                                        Let's drop the big one now!
                -- Randy Newman, "Drop the Big One"
Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
That's what she said as she turned out the light,
And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
She got from trying to fight
Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
[...]
Well nothing that's real is ever for free
And you just have to pay for it sometime.
She said it before, she said it to me,
I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
But the same old four imaginary walls
She'd built for livin' inside
I said oh, you just can't mean it.
[...]
Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
That's what she said as she turned out the light,
And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
The veil that covered her eyes,
I said oh, you can leave it.
                -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"
Now it's time to say goodbye
To all our company...
M-I-C        (see you next week!)
K-E-Y        (Why?  Because we LIKE you!)
M-O-U-S-E.
Now's the time to have some big ideas
Now's the time to make some firm decisions
We saw the Buddha in a bar down south
Talking politics and nuclear fission
We see him and he's all washed up --
Moving on into the body of a beetle
Getting ready for a long long crawl
He  ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all...

Death and Money make their point once more
In the shape of Philosophical assassins
Mark and Danny take the bus uptown
Deadly angels for reality and passion
Have the courage of the here and now
Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas
When you think you got it paid in full
You got nothing -- you got nothing at all...
        We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
        We know his name and he mustn't get away.
        We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha.
        It would take one shot -- to blow him away...
                -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddah"
Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD?
My friends all got sources, so why can't I see?
Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me:
To hell with the lawyers from AT&T!
"Oh, 'Melia, my dear, this does everything crown!
Who could have supposed I should meet you in Town?
And whence such fair garments such prosperi-ty?"
"Oh, didn't you know I'd been ruined?" said she.

"You left us in tatters, without shoes or socks,
Tired of digging potatoes, and spudding up docks;
And now you've gay bracelets and bright feathers three!"
"Yes: That's how we dress when we're ruined," said she.

"At home in the barton you said `thee' and `thou,'
And `thik oon' and `theas oon' and `t'other;' but now
Your talking quite fits 'ee for compa-ny!"
"Some polish is gained with one's ruin," said she.

"Your hands were like paws then, your face blue and bleak
But now I'm bewitched by your delicate cheek,
And your little gloves fit like as on any la-dy!"
"We never do work when we're ruined," said she.

"You used to call home-life a hag-ridden dream,
And you'd sigh, and you'd sock; but at present you seem
To know not of megrims or melancho-ly!"
"True.  One's pretty lively when ruined," said she.

"I wish I had feathers, a fine sweeping gown,
And a delicate face, and could strut about Town!"
"My dear--a raw country girl, such as you be,
Cannot quite expect that.  You ain't ruined," said she.
                --Thomas Hardy
Oh, give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of --
Wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence.
Hovering there
I've chased the shouting wind along and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up along delirious, burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle flew;
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
                -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
Oh, when I was in love with you,
        Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
        How well did I behave.

And now the fancy passes by,
        And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
        Am quite myself again.
                -- A. E. Housman
On a morning from a Bogart movie, in a country where they turned back time,
You go strolling through the crowd like Peter Lorre contemplating a crime.
She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running like a watercolor in the rain.
Don't bother asking for explanations, she'll just tell you that she came
In the Year of the Cat.

She doesn't give you time for questions, as she locks up your arm in hers,
And you follow 'till your sense of which direction completely disappears.
By the blue-tiled walls near the market stall there's a hidden door she
    leads you to.
These days, she say, I feel my life just like a river running through
The Year of the Cat.

Well, she looks at you so coolly,
And her eyes shine like the moon in the sea.
She comes in incense and patchouli,
So you take her to find what's waiting inside
The Year of the Cat.

Well, morning comes and you're still with her, but the bus and the tourists
    are gone,
And you've thrown away your choice and lost your ticket, so you have to stay on.
But the drum-beat strains of the night remain in the rhythm of the new-born day.
You know some time you're bound to leave her, but for now you're going to stay
In the Year of the Cat.
                -- Al Stewart, "Year of the Cat"
On the good ship Enterprise
Every week there's a new surprise
Where the Romulans lurk
And the Klingons often go berserk.

Yes, the good ship Enterprise
There's excitement anywhere it flies
Where Tribbles play
And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.

        See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
        Mr. Spock is at his side.
        The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
        It gets fried, scattered far and wide.

It's the good ship Enterprise
Heading out where danger lies
And you live in dread
If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
        -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics,
           "The Good Ship Enterprise," to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop"
Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail,
And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail,
And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool,
He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!)
And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat,
He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat,
And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout!
        And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out!
And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog,
And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god,
The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed,
But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed!
Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace,
And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste,
But all they ever found was this:  "panic: never doubt",
        And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out!
When the day is done and the moon comes out,
And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count,
When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey,
And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay,
You must mind the file protections and not snoop around,
        Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down!
Once upon this midnight incoherent,
While you pondered sentient and crystalline,
Over many a broken and subordinate
Volume of gnarly lore,
While I pestered, nearly singing,
Sudddenly there came a hewing,
As of someone profusely skulking,
Skulking at my chamber door.
One bright Sunday morning, in the shadows of the steeple,
By the Relief Office, I seen my people;
As they stood there hungry, I stood there whistling,
This land was made for you and me.

Nobody living can ever stop me,
As I go walking that freedom highway;
Nobody living can ever make me turn back,
This land was made for you and me.

As I went walking, I saw a sign there,
And on the sign it said: "No Trespassing."
But on the other side, it didn't say nothing,
That side was made for you and me.
                -- Woody Guthrie, "This Land Is Your Land" (verses 4, 6, 7)
        [If you ever wondered why Arlo was so anti-establishment when his dad
         wrote such wonderful patriotic songs, the answer is that you haven't
         heard all of Woody's songs]
One good thing about music,
Well, it helps you feel no pain.
So hit me with music;
Hit me with music now.
                -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock"
One pill makes you larger,                And if you go chasing rabbits
And one pill makes you small.                And you know you're going to fall.
And the ones that mother gives you,        Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Don't do anything at all.                Has given you the call.
Go ask Alice                                Call Alice
When she's ten feet tall.                When she was just small.

When men on the chessboard                When logic and proportion
Get up and tell you where to go.        Have fallen sloppy dead,
And you've just had some kind of        And the White Knight is talking
        mushroom                                backwards
And your mind is moving low.                And the Red Queen's lost her head
Go ask Alice                                Remember what the dormouse said:
I think she'll know.                                Feed your head.
                                                Feed your head.
                                                Feed your head.
                -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit"
Payeen to a Twang
Derrida
Ore-Ida
potato.

If you dared,
I'd ask you
to go dig
up your ides under brown-
tubered skies.

where pitchforked
you will ask
Derrida?
Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream,
I wonder how the old folks are tonight,
Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face,
She left me not knowing what to do.

Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you,
Carefree Highway, you seen better days,
The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes,
Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you...

Turning back the pages to the times I love best,
I wonder if she'll ever do the same,
Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied,
With knowing I got noone left to blame.
Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame...

Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep,
I wonder if the years have closed her mind,
I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free,
From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew.
                -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway"
Please stand for the National Anthem:

        Australians all, let us rejoice,
        For we are young and free.
        We've golden soil and wealth for toil
        Our home is girt by sea.
        Our land abounds in nature's gifts
        Of beauty rich and rare.
        In history's page, let every stage
        Advance Australia Fair.
        In joyful strains then let us sing,
        Advance Australia Fair.

Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
Please stand for the National Anthem:

        God save our Gracious Queen!
        Long live our Noble Queen!
        God save the Queen!
        Send her victorious,
        Happy and glorious,
        Long to reign o'er us!
        God save the Queen!

Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
Please stand for the National Anthem:

        O Canada
        Our home and native land
        True patriot love
        In all thy sons' command
        With glowing hearts we see thee rise
        The true north strong and free
        From far and wide, O Canada
        We stand on guard for thee
        God keep our land glorious and free
        O Canada we stand on guard for thee
        O Canada we stand on guard for thee

Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
Please stand for the National Anthem:

        Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light
        What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
        Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight
        O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
        And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
        Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
        Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
        O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

Thank you.  You may resume your seat.
        Proposed Country & Western Song Titles
I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side
If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will
I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With
        Your Socks Outside-in
I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love
Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time
                -- "Wordplay"
        Proposed Country & Western Song Titles
I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone
I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In
Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
        Breaking My Heart
Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer
Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living
        With You Is the Pits
I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger
                -- "Wordplay"
        Proposed Country & Western Song Titles
She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You
I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave
It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley
If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart
If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again
I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave
It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him
Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load
I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You
Razors pain you;
        Rivers are damp.
        Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful;
        Nooses give.
        Gas smells awful--
You might as well live!
                -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926
Reach into the thoughts of friends,
And find they do not know your name.
Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
And watch the feathers burst the seams.
Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
And feel its chill upon your blood.
Hold a candle to the night,
And see the darkness bend the flame.
Tear the mask of peace from God,
And hear the roar of souls in hell.
Pluck a rose in name of love,
And watch the petals curl and wilt.
Lean upon the western wind,
And know you are alone.
                -- Dru Mims
Saturday night in Toledo Ohio,
        Is like being nowhere at all,
All through the day how the hours rush by,
        You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
                -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
Say it with flowers,
Or say it with mink,
But whatever you do,
Don't say it with ink!
                -- Jimmie Durante
Say many of cameras focused t'us,
Our middle-aged shots do us justice.
No justice, please, curse ye!
We really want mercy:
You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us.
                -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt
Say my love is easy had,
        Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
        Still behold me at your side.

Say I'm neither brave nor young,
        Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue --
        Still you have my heart to wear.

But say my verses do not scan,
        And I get me another man!
                -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words"
Say!  You've struck a heap of trouble--
Bust in business, lost your wife;
No one cares a cent about you,
You don't care a cent for life;
Hard luck has of hope bereft you,
Health is failing, wish you'd die--
Why, you've still the sunshine left you
And the big blue sky.
                -- R.W. Service
Scratch the disks, dump the core,        Shut it down, pull the plug
Roll the tapes across the floor,        Give the core an extra tug
And the system is going to crash.        And the system is going to crash.
Teletypes smashed to bits.                Mem'ry cards, one and all,
Give the scopes some nasty hits                Toss out halfway down the hall
And the system is going to crash.        And the system is going to crash.
And we've also found                        Just flip one switch
When you turn the power down,                And the lights will cease to twitch
You turn the disk readers into trash.        And the tape drives will crumble
                                                in a flash.
Oh, it's so much fun,                        When the CPU
Now the CPU won't run                        Can print nothing out but "foo,"
And the system is going to crash.        The system is going to crash.
                -- To the tune of "As the Caissons go Rolling Along"
She stood on the tracks
Waving her arms
Leading me to that third rail shock
Quick as a wink
She changed her mind

She gave me a night
That's all it was
What will it take until I stop
Kidding myself
Wasting my time

There's nothing else I can do
'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna
I don't want anyone new
'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna
There's nothing in it for you
'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna
                -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses)
Snow-white!  Snow-white!  O Lady clear!
O Queen beyond the Western Sea!
O Light to us that wander here
Amid the world of woven trees!

        Gilthoniel!  O Elbereth!
        Clear are thy eyes and bright thy breath!
        Snow-white!  Snow-white!  We sing to thee
        In a far land beyond the Sea.

O stars that in the Sunless Year
With shining hand by her were sown,
In windy fields now bright and clear
We see you silver blossom blown!

        O Elbereth!  Gilthoniel!
        We still remember, we who dwell
        In this far land beneath the trees,
        Thy starlight on the Western Seas.
                -- J. R. R. Tolkien
So, you better watch out!
You better not cry!
You better not pout!
I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is coming, to town.

He knows when you've been sleeping,
He know when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good,
He has ties with the CIA.
So...
So... so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell?
Blue skies from pain?                        Did they get you to trade
Can you tell a green field                Your heroes for ghosts?
From a cold steel rail?                        Hot ashes for trees?
A smile from a veil?                        Hot air for a cool breeze?
Do you think you can tell?                Cold comfort for change?
                                        Did you exchange
                                        A walk on part in a war
                                        For the lead role in a cage?
                -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
Some of them want to use you,
Some of them want to be used by you,
...Everybody's looking for something.
                -- Eurythmics
Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away,
Looking at me, I got nothin' to say.
Don't make me angry with the things games that you play,
Either light up or leave me alone.
St. Patrick was a gentleman
who through strategy and stealth
drove all the snakes from Ireland.
Here's a toasting to his health --
but not too many toastings
lest you lose yourself and then
forget the good St. Patrick
and see all those snakes again.
Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time,
There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying,
One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying,

And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late,
Though we really did try to make it,
Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it...

It used to be so easy living here with you,
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool.

There'll be good times again for me and you,
But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too?
But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you...

But it's too late baby...
It's too late, now darling, it's too late...
                -- Carol King, "Tapestry"
Step back, unbelievers!
Or the rain will never come.
Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum.
You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane,
But I swear to you, before this day is out,
        you folks are gonna see some rain!
Strange things are done to be number one
In selling the computer                        The Druids were entrepreneurs,
IBM has their strategem                        And they built a granite box
Which steadily grows acuter,                It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons,
And Honeywell competes like Hell,        And forecast the equinox
But the story's missing link                Their price was right, their future
Is the system old at Stonemenge sold                bright,
By the firm of Druids, Inc.                The prototype was sold;
                                        From Stonehenge site their bits and byte
                                        Would ship for Celtic gold.
The movers came to crate the frame;
It weighed a million ton!
The traffic folk thought it a joke        The man spoke true, and thus to you
(the wagon wheels just spun);                A warning from the ages;
"They'll nay sell that," the foreman        Your stock will slip if you can't ship
        spat,                                What's in your brochure's pages.
"Just leave the wild weeds grow;        See if it sells without the bells
"It's Druid-kind, over-designed,        And strings that ring and quiver;
"And belly up they'll go."                Druid repute went down the chute
                                        Because they couldn't deliver.
                -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge"
      /\        SUN of them wants to use you,
     \\ \
  / \ \\ /        SUN of them wants to be used by you,
/ / \/ / //\
\//\   \// /        SUN of them wants to abuse you,
  / /  /\  /
   /  \\ \        SUN of them wants to be abused ...
     \ \\
      \/
                -- Eurythmics
Take a look around you, tell me what you see,
A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key.
If you can get close enough to look into her eyes
There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides.
        And you're fair game,
        You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game,
        Just relax, enjoy the ride.
Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool,
But do it with a little class, disregard the rules.
'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date.
The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate.
        (chorus)
The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch.
She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch.
Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie,
And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
        (chorus)
                -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
Tell me why the stars do shine,
Tell me why the ivy twines,
Tell me why the sky's so blue,
And I will tell you just why I love you.

        Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,
        Phototropism makes ivy twine,
        Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue,
        Sexual hormones are why I love you.
Terence, this is stupid stuff:
You eat your victuals fast enough;
There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
To see the rate you drink your beer.
But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
It gives a chap the belly-ache.
The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
It sleeps well the horned head:
We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
Your friends to death before their time.
Moping, melancholy mad:
Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad.
                -- A.E. Housman
The camel has a single hump;
The dromedary two;
Or else the other way around.
I'm never sure.  Are you?
                -- Ogden Nash
The common cormorant, or shag,
Lays eggs inside a paper bag;
The reason, you will see, no doubt,
Is to keep the lightning out.
But what these unobservant birds
Have failed to notice is that herds
Of bears may come with buns
And steal the bags to hold the crumbs.
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
All the livelong day;
The eyes of Texas are upon you,
You cannot get away;
Do not think you can escape them
From night 'til early in the morn;
The eyes of Texas are upon you
'Til Gabriel blows his horn.
                -- University of Texas' school song
The good (I am convinced, for one)
Is but the bad one leaves undone.
Once your reputation's done
You can live a life of fun.
                -- Wilhelm Busch
The Junior God now heads the roll
In the list of heaven's peers;
He sits in the House of High Control,
And he regulates the spheres.
Yet does he wonder, do you suppose,
If, even in gods divine,
The best and wisest may not be those
Who have wallowed awhile with the swine?
                -- Robert W. Service
The lights are on,
but you're not home;
Your will
is not your own;
Your heart sweats,
Your teeth grind;
Another kiss
and you'll be mine...

You like to think that you're immune to the stuff
(Oh Yeah!)
It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough;
You know you're gonna have to face it,
You're addicted to love!"
                -- Robert Palmer
        The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in
a position of negative need.
        He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area.
        He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous
liquid.
        He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
        He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
prestige of His identity.
        It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror
sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
        Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
into a pleasurific mood state.
        You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure
in the context of non-cooperative elements.
        You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract.
        My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis.
        It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational
empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their
target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess
tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended
time basis.
The man she had was kind and clean
And well enough for every day,
But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
The one that got away.
                -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"
The morning sun when it's in your face really shows your age,
But that don't bother me none; in my eyes you're everything.
I know I keep you amused,
But I feel I'm being used.
Oh, Maggie, I wish I'd never seen your face.

You took me away from home,
Just to save you from being alone;
You stole my heart, and that's what really hurts.

I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool,
Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band,
That needs a helping hand,
Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face.

You made a first-class fool out of me,
But I'm as blind as a fool can be.
You stole my soul, and that's a pain I can do without.
                -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May"
The night passes quickly when you're asleep
But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
...
Breakfast at the Egg House,
Like the waffle on the griddle,
I'm burnt around the edges,
But I'm tender in the middle.
                -- Adrian Belew
The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life
        The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George
Wither.  Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his
verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well".
        In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his
work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness.  It usually
lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel".
        High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically
rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with
the higher emotions.
                She would me "Honey" call,
                She'd -- O she'd kiss me too.
                But now alas!  She's left me
                Falero, lero, loo.
        Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize
was her prudent choice of footwear.
                The fives did fit her shoe.
        In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by
the Royalists during the English Civil War.  When Sir John Denham, the
Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and
begged that his life be spared.  When asked his reason, Sir John replied,
"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the
worst poet in England."
                -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
The rhino is a homely beast,
For human eyes he's not a feast.
Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros,
I'll stare at something less prepoceros.
                -- Ogden Nash
The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door.
He said, "I am not fighting for you any more."
The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before,
And slowly she let him inside.

He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young,
But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won,
And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun.
And now will you tell me why?"
                -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier"
The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
In town a noun might wear a gown,
or further down, might dress a clown.
A noun that's sound would never clown,
but unsound nouns jump up and down.
The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing,
and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
But please don't let that get you down,
the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
                -- A. Nonnie Mouse
The street preacher looked so baffled
When I asked him why he dressed
With forty pounds of headlines
Stapled to his chest.
But he cursed me when I proved to him
I said, "Not even you can hide.
You see, you're just like me.
I hope you're satisfied."
                -- Bob Dylan
The Thought Police are here.  They've come
To put you under cardiac arrest.
And as they drag you through the door
They tell you that you've failed the test.
                -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age"
The thrill is here, but it won't last long
You'd better have your fun before it moves along...
The trouble with you
Is the trouble with me.
Got two good eyes
But we still don't see.
                -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"
The truth you speak has no past and no future.
It is, and that's all it needs to be.
The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful.
My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away.
My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful.
Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play?
I feel together today!
                -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph"
The Worst American Poet
        Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that
Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years.
        Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire
of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her pen.
        Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the
formula was the same:
                Have you heard of the dreadful fate
                Of Mr. P.P. Bliss and wife?
                Of their death I will relate,
                And also others lost their life
                (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster,
                Where so many people died.
        Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems,
the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a
river or struck by lightning.  A critic of the day said she was "worse than
a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded.
        Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even
suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate".  Her reply was
forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went
beyond reason."  She added that "literary work is very difficult to do".
                -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed.
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain.
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still recall.
Some are dead and some are living,
In my life I've loved them all.

But of all these friends and lovers,
There is no one compared with you,
All these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new.
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before,
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I'll love you more.
                -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965
There is in certain living souls
A quality of loneliness unspeakable,
So great it must be shared
As company is shared by lesser beings.
Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this
That in immensity
There is one lonelier than you.
There's a lesson that I need to remember
When everything is falling apart
In life, just like in loving
There's such a thing as trying to hard

You've gotta sing
Like you don't need the money
Love like you'll never get hurt
You've gotta dance
Like nobody's watching
It's gotta come from the heart
If you want it to work.
                -- Kathy Mattea
There's amnesia in a hangknot,
And comfort in the ax,
But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax.
        There's surcease in a gunshot,
        And sleep that comes from racks,
        But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax.
You find rest on the hot squat,
Or gas can give you pax,
But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks.
        There's refuge in the church lot
        When you tire of facing facts,
        And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks.
Chorus:        With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels,
        Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals --
        But the pleasantest place to find your end
        Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend.
                -- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road"
There's little in taking or giving,
        There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,
        Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
        The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
        And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
        And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
        Would you kindly direct me to hell?
                -- Dorothy Parker
They told me you had proven it                When they discovered our results
        About a month before.                        Their hair began to curl
The proof was valid, more or less        Instead of understanding it
        But rather less than more.                We'd run the thing through PRL.

He sent them word that we would try        Don't tell a soul about all this
        To pass where they had failed                For it must ever be
And after we were done, to them                A secret, kept from all the rest
        The new proof would be mailed.                Between yourself and me.

My notion was to start again
        Ignoring all they'd done
We quickly turned it into code
        To see if it would run.
This here's the wattle,
The emblem of our land.
You can stick it in a bottle;
You can hold it in your hand.
Amen!
                -- Monty Python
This is the story of the bee
Whose sex is very hard to see

You cannot tell the he from the she
But she can tell, and so can he

The little bee is never still
She has no time to take the pill

And that is why, in times like these
There are so many sons of bees.
This land is my land, and only my land,
I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
This land is private property.
                -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie
Though I respect that a lot
I'd be fired if that were my job
After killing Jason off and
Countless screaming argonauts

Bluebird of friendliness
Like guardian angels it's
Always near

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
                -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine                And then one day you find
Staying home to watch the rain                Ten years have got behind you
You are young and life is long                No one told you when to run
And there is time to kill today                You missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter                Hanging on in quiet desperation
                                                is the English way
Never seem to find the time                The time is gone, the song is over
Plans that either come to nought        Thought I'd something more to say...
Or half a page of scribbled lines
                -- Pink Floyd, "Time"
Time goes, you say?
Ah no!
Time stays, *we* go.
                -- Austin Dobson
to be nobody but yourself in a world
which is doing its best night and day
to make you like everybody else
means to fight the hardest battle
any human being can fight and
never stop fighting.                  
                -- e.e. cummings
To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
and take by force a satisfying mesh.
Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
You are the master here, and they the slaves.
Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
A word that strikes no pleasure?  Cast it out!
What use are words that drive not to the heart?
A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
and choose more docile words to take its part.
A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
by making love directly to the brain.
'Twas midnight on the ocean,                Her children all were orphans,
Not a streetcar was in sight,                Except one a tiny tot,
So I stepped into a cigar store                Who had a home across the way
To ask them for a light.                Above a vacant lot.

The man        behind the counter                As I gazed through the oaken door
Was a woman, old and gray,                A whale went drifting by,
Who used to peddle doughnuts                Its six legs hanging in the air,
On the road to Mandalay.                So I kissed her goodbye.

She said "Good morning, stranger",        This story has a morale
Her eyes were dry with tears,                As you can plainly see,
As she put her head between her feet        Don't mix your gin with whiskey
And stood that way for years.                On the deep and dark blue sea.
                -- Midnight On The Ocean
Twenty two thousand days.
Twenty two thousand days.
It's not a lot.
It's all you've got.
Twenty two thousand days.
                -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"
U:        There's a U -- a Unicorn!
        Run right up and rub its horn.
        Look at all those points you're losing!
        UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
                -- The Roguelet's ABC
Under the wide and starry sky,
Dig my grave and let me lie,
Glad did I live and gladly die,
And laid me down with a will,
And this be the verse that you grave for me,
Here he lies where he longed to be,
Home is the sailor home from the sea,
And the hunter home from the hill.
                -- Robert Loius Stevenson, "Requiem"
Upon the hearth the fire is red,
Beneath the roof there is a bed;
But not yet weary are our feet,
Still round the corner we may meet
A sudden tree or standing stone
That none have seen but we alone.        Still round the corner there may wait
  Tree and flower and leaf and grass,        A new road or a secret gate,
  Let them pass!  Let them pass!        And though we pass them by today
  Hill and water under sky,                Tomorrow we may come this way
  Pass them by!  Pass them by!                And take the hidden paths that run
                                        Towards the Moon or to the Sun,
Home is behind, the world ahead,          Apple, thorn, and nut and sloe,
And there are many paths to tread          Let them go!  Let them go!
Through shadows to the edge of night,          Sand and stone and pool and dell,
Until the stars are all alight.                  Fare you well!  Fare you well!
Then world behind and home ahead,
We'll wander back to home and bed.
  Mist and twilight, cloud and shade,
  Away shall fade!  Away shall fade!
  Fire and lamp, and meat and bread,
  And then to bed!  And then to bed!
                -- J. R. R. Tolkien
Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call,
Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all.
Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin,
Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again.

Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall.
Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all.
Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled.
Make our country well again, respected by the world.

Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun.
Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done.
Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free,
Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me.
                -- Pansy Myers Schroeder
Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is;
        black gold; 'Texas tea' ...

Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
        swimmin' pools; movie stars.
We don't need no indirection                We don't need no compilation
We don't need no flow control                We don't need no load control
No data typing or declarations                No link edit for external bindings
Hey! did you leave the lists alone?        Hey! did you leave that source alone?
Chorus:                                        (Chorus)
        Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call.

We don't need no side-effecting                We don't need no allocation
We don't need no flow control                We don't need no special-nodes
No global variables for execution        No dark bit-flipping for debugging
Hey! did you leave the args alone?        Hey! did you leave those bits alone?
(Chorus)                                (Chorus)
                -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
                -- Maxwell Smart
Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!
We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!
There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass,
Be careful as you pass, move along, move along.
Come inside, the show's about to start,
Guaranteed to blow your head apart.
Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth,
Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth!
You gotta see the show!  It's a dynamo!
You gotta see the show!  It's rock 'n' roll!
                -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
        And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
        I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
        Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
        I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
        But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
        I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
                -- Core Dumped Blues
Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers,
And we're loved everywhere we go.
We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth,
At ten thousand dollars a show.
We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills,
But the thrill we've never known,
Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.

I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie,
Who embroiders on my jeans.
I got my poor old gray-haired daddy,
Drivin' my limousine.
Now it's all designed, to blow our minds,
But our minds won't be really be blown;
Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture,
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.

We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies,
Who'll do anything we say.
We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way.
We got all the friends that money can buy,
So we never have to be alone.
And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture,
On the cover of the Rolling Stone.
                -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show
                [As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.]
What did ya do with your burden and your cross?
Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
You and I know that a burden and a cross,
Can only be carried on one man's back.
                -- Louden Wainwright III
What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
Our Standardized Model should please even you,
Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none
It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.
Yet your state of the union penultimate large
Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,
And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll
Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.
Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back
For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,
But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude
Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.
Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,
You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,
That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere
Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear
Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta
Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.
                -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984
What, still alive at twenty-two,
A clean upstanding chap like you?
Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
Like enough, you won't be glad,
When they come to hang you, lad:
But bacon's not the only thing
That's cured by hanging from a string.
So, when the spilt ink of the night
Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
Lads whose job is still to do
Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
                -- Hugh Kingsmill
When my fist clenches crack it open,
Before I use it and lose my cool.
When I smile tell me some bad news,
Before I laugh and act like a fool.

And if I swallow anything evil,
Put you finger down my throat.
And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
Keep me warm let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
        to be the sad man.
Behind blue eyes.
No one knows what its like to be hated,
        to be fated,
To telling only lies.
                        -- The Who
When the Guru administers, the users
are hardly aware that he exists.
Next best is a sysop who is loved.
Next, one who is feared.
And worst, one who is despised.

If you don't trust the users,
you make them untrustworthy.

The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks.
When his work is done,
the users say, "Amazing:
we implemented it, all by ourselves!"
When you and I are far apart
Can sorrow break your tender heart?
I love you darling, yes I do;
Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you;
All you are is a blossoming rose.
Night is here so I must close.
With care read the first word of each line.
You will find a question of mine.
                -- Yours hopefully, The VAX.
When you find yourself in danger,
When you're threatened by a stranger,
When it looks like you will take a lickin'...

There is one thing you should learn,
When there is no one else to turn to,
        Caaaall for Super Chicken!!    (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
        Caaaall for Super Chicken!!
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
        For it isn't your father or mother or wife
        Whose judgement upon you must pass;
        The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
        Is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
        He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
        For he's with you clear up to the end,
        And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
        If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.
When you meet a master swordsman,
show him your sword.
When you meet a man who is not a poet,
do not show him your poem.
                -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master
When you overesteem great hackers,
more users become cretins.
When you develop encryption,
more users become crackers.

The Guru leads
by emptying user's minds
and increasing their quotas,
by weakening their ambition
and toughening their resolve.
When users lack knowledge and desire,
management will not try to interfere.

Practice not-looping,
and everything will fall into place.
When you're a Yup
You're a Yup all the way
From your first slice of Brie
To your last Cabernet.

When you're a Yup
You're not just a dreamer
You're making things happen
You're driving a Beamer.
When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
Wretched, bored, dejected; only
Here's the rub, my darling dear
I feel the same when you are near.
                -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
Where, oh, where, are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love.
You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone.

Gloom, despair and agony on me.
Deep dark depression, excessive misery.
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me.
                -- Hee Haw
Whether you can hear it or not,
The Universe is laughing behind your back.
                -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
While walking down a crowded
City street the other day,
I heard a little urchin
To a comrade turn and say,
"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse,
I'd be happy as a clam
If only I was de feller dat
Me mudder t'inks I am.

"She t'inks I am a wonder,                My friends, be yours a life of toil
An' she knows her little lad                Or undiluted joy,
Could never mix wit' nuttin'                You can learn a wholesome lesson
Dat was ugly, mean or bad.                From that small, untutored boy.
Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink        Don't aim to be an earthly saint
How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz!                With eyes fixed on a star:
If a feller was de feller                Just try to be the fellow that
Dat his mudder t'inks he is."                Your mother thinks you are.
                -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow"
Why are you watching
The washing machine?
I love entertainment
So long as it's clean.

Professor Doberman:
        While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
improvement.  Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
experience.  As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
fact distract from the unity of the whole.  In the final analysis, one
receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
meaning.  It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
implications.
"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
        "All your papers these days look the same;
Those William's would be better unread --
        Do these facts never fill you with shame?"

"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
        "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
        Made it pointless to think any more."
"You are old, father William," the young man said,
        "And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
        Do you think, at your age, it is right?"

"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
        "I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
        Why, I do it again and again."

"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
        And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
        Pray what is the reason of that?"

"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
        "I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
        Allow me to sell you a couple?"
"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
        That your lectures bore people to death.
Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
        Don't you think that you should save your breath?"

"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
        Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
        Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
        For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
        Pray, how did you manage to do it?"

"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
        And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
        Has lasted the rest of my life."

"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
        That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
        What made you so awfully clever?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
        Said his father.  "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
        Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
        And there isn't one language you like;
Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
        Have you thought about taking a hike?"

"Since I never write programs," his father replied,
        "Every language looks equally bad;
Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
        And don't realize that they've been had."
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
        And make errors few people could bear;
You complain about everyone's English but yours --
        Do you really think this is quite fair?"

"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
        "But my stature these days is so great
That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
        And to stop me it's now far too late."
You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.

(chorus)        Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
                Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.

You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
(chorus)

You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
(chorus)
You go down to the pickup station,
        craving warmth and beauty;
You settle for less than fascination --
        a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
And the closing lights strip off the shadows
        on this strange new flesh you've found --
Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
        you hurry to the blackness
        and the blankets to lay down an impression
        and your loneliness.
                -- Joni Mitchell
You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues,
And you know it don't come easy ...
I don't ask for much, I only want trust,
And you know it don't come easy ...
You know my heart keeps tellin' me,
You're not a kid at thirty-three,
You play around you lose your wife,
You play too long, you lose your life.
Some gotta win, some gotta lose,
Goodtime Charlie's got the blues.
You may be right, I may be crazy,
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for!
                -- Billy Joel
You will find me drinking gin
In the lowest kind of inn,
Because I am a rigid Vegetarian.
                -- G.K. Chesterton
You'll always be,
What you always were,
Which has nothing to do with,
All to do, with her.
                -- Company
Yours is not to reason why,
Just to Sail Away.
And when you find you have to throw
Your Legacy away;
Remember life as was it is,
And is as it were;
Chasing sounds across the galaxy
'Till silence is but a blur.
                -- QYX.
We found you hiding
We found you lying
Choking on the dirt and sand.

Your former glories
And all the stories
Dragged and washed with eager hands.
                -- ``Cities in Dust'', "Tinderbox", Siouxsie & the Banshees.
A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
Are you a turtle?
Are you ever going to do the dishes?  Or will you change your major to biology?
Are you making all this up as you go along?
Are you sure the back door is locked?
Be cheerful while you are alive.
                -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
life in such a mess.
Beware the one behind you.
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Don't plan any hasty moves.  You'll be evicted soon anyway.
Don't read everything you believe.
Don't relax!  It's only your tension that's holding you together.
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
Fine day for friends.
So-so day for you.
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.

Oh, and have a nice day!
                -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
Go to a movie tonight.  Darkness becomes you.
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
If you can read this, you're too close.
If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn
365 useless things.
If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Increased knowledge will help you now.  Have mate's phone bugged.
Is that really YOU that is reading this?
It is so very hard to be an
on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you
grown-up.
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
                -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Long life is in store for you.
Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.
Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
People are beginning to notice you.  Try dressing before you leave the house.
So you're back... about time...
Someone is speaking well of you.
Someone is speaking well of you.

How unusual!
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
                -- George Gobel
There was a phone call for you.
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
This life is yours.  Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.
Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and
are making another attack.
You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
You are always busy.
You are as I am with You.
You are capable of planning your future.
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the
department of transportation.
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
You are fairminded, just and loving.
You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
You are going to have a new love affair.
You are magnetic in your bearing.
You are not dead yet.  But watch for further reports.
You are number 6!  Who is number one?
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you
have few friends.
You are sick, twisted and perverted.  I like that in a person.
You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
You are standing on my toes.
You are taking yourself far too seriously.
You are the only person to ever get this message.
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive.
You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt
is concerned.
You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.
You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
You dialed 5483.
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
You enjoy the company of other people.
You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.
You fill a much-needed gap.
You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to
leave it behind.
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
You have a truly strong individuality.
You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
You have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly.
You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to
metal objects which are not fastened down.
You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.
You have been selected for a secret mission.
You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
You have many friends and very few living enemies.
You have no real enemies.
You have taken yourself too seriously.
You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE
"SOMEONE ELSE."
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.
You look tired.
You love peace.
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely
larger than others.
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
You may get an opportunity for advancement today.  Watch it!
You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will
be sold.
You need more time; and you probably always will.
You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
You now have Asian Flu.
You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially
if they are dead.
You should go home.
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
You teach best what you most need to learn.
You too can wear a nose mitten.
You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.
You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
You will be awarded some great honor.
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
You will be divorced within a year.
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
You will be married within a year.
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
You will be run over by a beer truck.
You will be run over by a bus.
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
You will be successful in love.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You will be surrounded by luxury.
You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
You will contract a rare disease.
You will engage in a profitable business activity.
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
You will forget that you ever knew me.
You will gain money by a fattening action.
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
You will gain money by an illegal action.
You will gain money by an immoral action.
You will get what you deserve.
You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
You will have a long and boring life.
You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
You will have long and healthy life.
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
You will inherit millions of dollars.
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
You will live to see your grandchildren.
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise
salesman.
You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
You will never know hunger.
You will not be elected to public office this year.
You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
You will outgrow your usefulness.
You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
You will pass away very quickly.
You will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please disregard
this message.
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
You will soon forget this.
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your
brakes are defective.
You will triumph over your enemy.
You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
You will wish you hadn't.
You work very hard.  Don't try to think as well.
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry.
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
You'll be sorry...
You'll feel devilish tonight.  Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
heel.
You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately,
they're not all recommended.
You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier
to do.
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
You're almost as happy as you think you are.
You're at the end of the road again.
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
You're definitely on their list.  The question to ask next is what list it is.
You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that
you're growing into.
You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
You're working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human.
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
really worth having.
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be
misinterpreted by somebody.
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
        A boy scout troop went on a hike.  Crossing over a stream, one of
the boys dropped his wallet into the water.  Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed
the wallet and tossed it to another carp.  Then that carp passed it to
another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back
and forth.
        "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case
of carp-to-carp walleting."
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the
beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.  Immediately,
one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods
like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game
Warden.  After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with
his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the
Game Warden finally caught up to him.
        "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped.  The
man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing
license.
        "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb
as a box of rocks!  You didn't have to run if you have a license!"
        "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back
there, he don't have one!"
A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled.  At about 5,000 feet,
still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
same speed as he was going towards the ground.  As they passed each other at
3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
        The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO!  DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
"you could blow it in" may be blown in.  This rule does not apply if
the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
to make a travesty of the game.
                -- Donald A. Metz
        A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
carrying a shotgun and a dead loon.  "What in the world do you think you're
doing?  Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?"
        Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
which contained twelve more loons.
        "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
        "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
        "What's so special about a loon?  What does it taste like?"
        "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig
[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off
Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians.  These people love fast
cars.  But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged.
Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on
them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention.
                -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast
                   cars across Europe.
Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
is my choice for team captain.  Cincinnatti was beating us 3-1, and I led
off the bottom of the eighth with a walk.  The next hitter banged a hard
single to right field.  Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
kept going, sliding safely into third base.
        With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at
bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first.
Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy
took off for second and made it.  Now we had runners at second and third.
        I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy
start to take a lead.  All of a sudden, here he comes.  He makes a great slide
into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?"  He looks up, and
shouts, "Back to second if I can make it."
                -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
Don't let go of what you've got hold of, until you have hold of something else.
                -- First Rule of Wing Walking
Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book?
Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's bowling alley, and everyone's
rolling strikes?
Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have.  The greatest feeling?
Landing...  Landing is the greatest feeling you can have.
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15

        "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
        And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
        Cowboy cheerleaders.
George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address.  "Let
me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration.
        "Okay," agreed Sam.  "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway."
        At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet
and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address.
No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog.
George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!"  Then he looked at
the dog.  The dog looked back.  No sound.  "Come on, boy, do your stuff."
Nothing.  A disappointed George took his dog and went home.
        "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George
yelled at the dog.  "Do you realize how much money you lost me?"
        "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog.  "Think of the odds we're
gonna get on Labor Day."
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish,
and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
                -- Calvin Keegan
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us
all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for
its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs
romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any
wild horses in person.  In person, they are like enormous hooved rats.  They
amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses.
We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes.
We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
                -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
HARVARD:
Quarterback:
        Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass.  And pass he does, with
a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays....  Though Strewzinksi
has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
Wide Receiver:
        The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
Phil Yip, who is very fast.  Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
fast.  Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
or six times, his average for a game.  Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
those times.
YALE:
Defense:
        On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history.  Also contributing to
the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
out the offensive ethnic joke.  Look for these three to shut down the opening
coin toss.
                -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
How can you think and hit at the same time?
                -- Yogi Berra
I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took
time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to
win -- or even how you won.
                -- Cash McCall
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
trucks.  But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to
go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports
that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it.
                -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
        If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of
everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then
we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
        Both those things sound pretty good to me.
                -- Sparky Anderson
If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up.  You're
the sucker.
If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards.
                -- Harry Blackstone
If you're carrying a torch, put it down.  The Olympics are over.
It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game.
                -- Grantland Rice
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee:
        (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
           straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
           force is technically termed "car suck").
        (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
           than "Watch this!"
        (3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly
           proportional to the cost of hitting it.  For instance, a
           Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or
           a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy.
        (4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the
           cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the
           Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you
           in the head and knock you silly.
Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it.
                -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead"
Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game.  You want us
to pay income taxes, too?
                -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive man
picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and
whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire.

What inner force drove this first athlete?  Your guess is as good as
mine.  Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
                -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most
of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
territory from invasion by another group."

"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.  Girls are funny.
                -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: you can win
or you can lose or it can rain.
                -- Casey Stengel
"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
dog] is good for almost every kind of game.  He went duck hunting one time
and did real well at it.  Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
you know, farm ducks.  And it got Don Carlos all mixed up.  Since the
ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something.  So one morning
last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
buried them."  "What do you mean, buried them?"  "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
and put them in the holes.  Then he covered them up with mud except for
their heads.  He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
another one when Tony found him.  We talked about it for a long time.  Papa
said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
know how to build a cage he put them in holes.  He's a smart dog."
                -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"
Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem.  You see, during
a portion of Beethovan's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin
parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around.  So,
to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the
end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the
page of the score before the bass cue.  As the basses grew more and more
inebriated, two of them fell asleep.  The conductor grew quite nervous (he
was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth;
the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out.
Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984
when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame.  Second
baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws.  Other players were
diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch.  At the same time, Guerrero,
at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager
Tom Lasorda's stomach.  Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous
motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third
base like that?  You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball.
What is it?"
        "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said.  "First, `I
hope they don't hit the ball to me.'"  The players snickered, and even
Lasorda had to fight off a laugh.  "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball
to Sax.'"
                -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game"
Reporter:   "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
Rick:        "How can you close me up?  On what grounds?"
Renault: "I'm shocked!  Shocked!  To find that gambling is going on here."
Croupier (handing money to Renault): "Your winnings, sir."
Renault:"Oh.  Thank you very much."
                -- Casablanca
Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
Yogi Berra:  "You mean now?"
San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city.  I don't mean the
people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy.  When
they boo you, you know they mean *you*.  Music, that's what it is to me.
One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
                -- George Halas, professional football coach
Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot.
Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade.
                -- Leo Durocher
Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which
the seal is not yet broken.  And he is going to offer to bet you that he can
make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears.
But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with a ear full of cider.
                -- Sky Masterson's Father
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean
of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities.
"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the
unbelieving dean.  At this point, one of his players happened to enter
the dean's office.  "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he
told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in.  "OK, Coach",
the player replied, and was off.  "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked.
"Yeah", replied the dean.  "He could have just picked up this phone and
called you from here."
The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he
wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke.
        "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to
you?  They used to be with the Chicago Bears.  The two dudes behind you made
the U.S. Olympic wrestling team.  And for your information, I used to play
center at Notre Dame."
        "Forget it," the customer said.  "I don't want to explain it five
times."
        The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball...
You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years
old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen.  You've got to let it
grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're
bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now.
                -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium
The whole of life is futile unless you consider it as a sporting proposition.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh.  Josh [Gibson]
comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run behind.  Well,
he hit one.  The Grays waited around and waited around, but finally the
empire rules it ain't comin' down.  So we win.  The next day, we was disputin'
the Grays in Philadelphia when here come a ball outta the sky right in the
glove of the Grays' center fielder.  The empire made the only possible call.
"You're out, boy!" he says to Josh.  "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh."
                -- Satchel Paige
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||                                                                     ||
|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture!  ||
||           Watch for it at a theater near you next summer!             ||
||                                                                     ||
=======================================================================
        Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
                        "Fortune Cookie"
        Directed by Steven Spielberg.
        Starring  Harrison Ford  Bette Midler  Marlon Brando
                  Christopher Reeves  Marilyn Chambers
                  and Bob Hope as "The Waiter".
        Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin.
        Special Effects by Timothy Leary.
        Read the Warner paperback!
        Invoke the Unix program!
        Soundtrack on XTC Records.
        In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal
                centers.
                Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:

        (1) None.  (Moses didn't have an ark).
        (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
        (3) I don't know.
        (4) Who cares?
        (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3).  Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
            Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
        (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
            book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
            bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
            Papyrus Books).
By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.  In fact, it is as
difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent.
                -- R. Emerson
                -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
                (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
                [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
                misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"  Ed.]
                        DELETE A FORTUNE!
Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!
Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system?
You can!  Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most,
and we'll make sure it gets expunged.
Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program?  It makes a
selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes.  Why not
try it, and see how offended you are?  The -a ("all") option will
select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive
set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you
should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to
defuse project tensions?  When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
        Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions.  This
still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only
serves to blunt the warning signs.

        Long live the revolution!
        Have a nice day.
Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, but
I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what it means.
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM

If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
contribution of a pithy fortunes, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue
without your support.  Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors.
That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride.  We can't go on like
this much longer.  Federal cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless
user contributions increase to make up the difference, the fortune program
will have to shut down between midnight and 8 a.m.  Don't let this happen.
Mail your fortunes right now to "fortune".  Just type in your favorite pithy
saying.  Do it now before you forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the
end of the week. Don't miss out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you
contribute 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide.  If you contribute 50 or more,
you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing,
after all, as "wanting."  It is not logical, but it is often true.
                -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.
                -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3259.2
But it's real.  And if it's real it can be affected ...  we may not be able
to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a dent in it.
                -- deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with
jealousy, greed, hate ..."

"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment --
the other side of the coin"
                -- Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?",
                   stardate 2712.4
Do you know about being with somebody?  Wanting to be?  If I had the
whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice.  When I see you, I feel
like I'm hungry all over.  Do you know how that feels?
                -- Charlie Evans, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer
her by ..."  You could feel the wind at your back, about you ...  the
sounds of the sea beneath you.  And even if you take away the wind and
the water, it's still the same.  The ship is yours ... you can feel her
... and the stars are still there.
                -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis.  You can't simply say,
"Today I will be brilliant."
                -- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
I thought my people would grow tired of killing.  But you were right,
they see it is easier than trading.  And it has its pleasures.  I feel
it myself.  Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.
                -- Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
                -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
        "Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
        "You admit that?"
        "To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
                -- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
Oh, that sound of male ego.  You travel halfway across the galaxy and
it's still the same song.
                -- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
The games have always strengthened us.  Death becomes a familiar
pattern.  We don't fear it as you do.
                -- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses",
                   stardate 4041.2
        "The release of emotion is what keeps us health.  Emotionally healthy."
        "That may be, Doctor.  However, I have noted that the healthy release
of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."
                -- McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face
.... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves as gods.
                -- Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion].  It's just another
life form, that's all.  You get used to those things.
                -- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
        "There's only one kind of woman ..."
        "Or man, for that matter.  You either believe in yourself or you don't."
                -- Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you
realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.
                -- Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4658.9
Wait!  You have not been prepared!
                -- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2
We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die.  Only the strong
should live.
                -- Kras, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel,
building, creating; you even forget how to repair the machines left
behind by your ancestors.  You just sit living and reliving other lives
left behind in the thought records.
                -- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically.  You must rely on
your human intuition.
                -- Spock, "Assignment: Earth", stardate unknown
You are an excellent tactician, Captain.  You let your second in
command attack while you sit and watch for weakness.
                -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
You can't evaluate a man by logic alone.
                -- McCoy, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes!
You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries.  But
you imprison those who employ it privately.
                -- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
You go slow, be gentle.  It's no one-way street -- you know how you
feel and that's all.  It's how the girl feels too.  Don't press.  If
the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.
                -- Kirk, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude.  "You're
welcome," I believe, is the correct response.
                -- Spock, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2
You say you are lying.  But if everything you say is a lie, then you are
telling the truth.  You cannot tell the truth because everything you say
is a lie.  You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot, for you lie.
                -- Norman the android, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
You speak of courage.  Obviously you do not know the difference between
courage and foolhardiness.  Always it is the brave ones who die, the soldiers.
                -- Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy",
                   stardate 3201.7
You!  What PLANET is this!
                -- McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed
to be.  Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good
to each other.  That's what we call love.  You'll like that a lot.
                -- Kirk, "The Apple", stardate 3715.6
You're dead, Jim.
                -- McCoy, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
You're dead, Jim.
                -- McCoy, "The Tholian Web", stardate unknown
You're too beautiful to ignore.  Too much woman.
                -- Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within", stardate unknown
"`...You hadn't exactly gone out of your way to call
attention to them had you? I mean like actually telling
anyone or anything.'
`But the plans were on display...'
`On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to
find them.'
`That's the display department.'
`With a torch.'
`Ah, well the lights had probably gone.'
`So had the stairs.'
`But look you found the notice didn't you?'
`Yes,' said Arthur, `yes I did. It was on display in the
bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused
lavatory with a sign on the door saying "Beware of The
Leopard".'"

- Arthur singing the praises of the local council planning
department.
"`Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.'
`Very deep,' said Arthur, `you should send that in to the
"Reader's Digest". They've got a page for people like you.'"

- Ford convincing Arthur to drink three pints in ten
minutes at lunchtime.
"`How do you feel?' he asked him.
`Like a military academy,' said Arthur, `bits of me keep
passing out.'" ....
`We're safe,' he said.
`Oh good,' said Arthur.
`We're in a small galley cabin,' said Ford, `in one of the
spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet.'
`Ah,' said Arthur, `this is obviously some strange usage of
the word "safe" that I wasn't previously aware of.'

- Arthur after his first ever teleport ride.
"`You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace.
It's unpleasently like being drunk.'
`What's so unpleasent about being drunk?'
`You ask a glass of water.'"

- Arthur getting ready for his first jump into hyperspace.
"`You know,' said Arthur, `it's at times like this, when
I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse,
and about to die from asphyxiation in deep space that I
really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I
was young.'
`Why, what did she tell you?'
`I don't know, I didn't listen.'"

- Arthur coping with certain death as best as he could.
"`Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.'"

- Arthur experiences the improbability drive at work.
"`I think you ought to know that I'm feeling very
depressed.'"
"`Life, don't talk to me about life.'"
"`Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me to
take you down to the bridge. Call that "job satisfaction"?
'Cos I don't.'"
"`I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my
left side.'"

- Guess who.
"`Hey this is terrific!' Zaphod said. `Someone down there
is trying to kill us!'
`Terrific,' said Arthur.
`But don't you see what this means?'
`Yes. We are going to die.'
`Yes, but apart from that.'
`APART from that?'
`It means we must be on to something!'
`How soon can we get off it?'"

- Zaphod and Arthur in a certain death situation over
Magrathea.
"`Er, hey Earthman...'
`Arthur,' said Arthur.
`Yeah, could you just sort of keep this robot with you and
guard this end of the passageway. OK?'
`Guard?' said Arthur. `What from? You just said there's no
one here.'
`Yeah, well, just for safety, OK?' said Zaphod.
`Whose? Yours or mine?'"

- Arthur drawing the short straw on Magrathea.
"`Right,' said Ford, `I'm going to have a look.'
He glanced round at the others.
`Is no one going to say, "No you can't possibly, let me go
instead"?'
They all shook their heads.
`Oh well.'"

- Ford attempting to be heroic whilst being seiged by
Shooty and Bangbang.
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a
lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad
move." - The Book just racapping what happened in the last
book.
"`I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in
me for a month. I am so hip I have difficulty seeing over
my pelvis.'"

- Zaphod being cool.
"`You ARE Zaphod Beeblebrox?'
`Yeah,' said Zaphod, `but don't shout it out or they'll all
want one.'
`THE Zaphod Beeblebrox?'
`No, just A Zaphod Bebblebrox, didn't you hear I come in
six packs?'
`But sir,' it squealed, `I just heard on the sub-ether
radio report. It said you were dead...'
`Yeah, that's right, I just haven't stopped moving yet.'"

- Zaphod and the Guide's receptionist.
"`...and the Universe,' continued the waiter, determined
not to be deflected on his home stretch, `will explode
later for your pleasure.'
Ford's head swivelled slowly towards him. He spoke with
feeling.
`Wow,' he said, `What sort of drinks do you serve in this
place?'
The waiter laughed a polite little waiter's laugh.
`Ah,' he said, `I think sir has perhaps misunderstood me.'
`Oh, I hope not,' breathed Ford."

- Ford in paradise.
"`Maybe somebody here tipped off the Galactic Police,' said
Trillian. `Everybody saw you come in.'
`You mean they want to arrest me over the phone?' said
Zaphod, `Could be. I'm a pretty dangerous dude when I'm
cornered.'
`Yeah,' said a voice from under the table [Ford's now
completely rat- arsed at this point], `you go to pieces so
fast people get hit by the shrapnel.'"

- Zaphod getting paranoid over a phone call.
"`Hand me the rap-rod, Plate Captain.'
The little waiter's eyebrows wandered about his forehead in
confusion.
`I beg your pardon, sir?' he said.
`The phone, waiter,' said Zaphod, grabbing it off him.
`Shee, you guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't
fall off.'"

- Zaphod discovers that waiters are the least hip people
in the Universe.
"`Incidentally,' he said, `what does teleport mean?'
Another moment passed.
Slowly, the others turned to face him.
`Probably the wrong moment to ask,' said Arthur, `It's just
I remember you use the word a short while ago and I only
bring it up because...'
`Where,' said Ford quietly, `does it say teleport?'
`Well, just over here in fact,' said Arthur, pointing at a
dark control box in the rear of the cabin, `Just under the
word "emergency", above the word "system" and beside the
sign saying "out of order".'"

- Arthur finding an escape route from a certain death
situation.
ARTHUR        What is an Algolian Zylatburger anyway?
FORD        They're a kind of meatburger made from the most
unpleasant parts
        of a creature well known for its total lack of any
pleasant
        parts.
ARTHUR        So you mean that the Universe does actually end not
with a bang
        but with a Wimpy?

- Cut dialogue from Fit the Fifth.
FORD        Tell me Arthur...
ARTHUR        Yes?
FORD        This boulder we're stuck under, how big would you
say it was? Roughly?
ARTHUR        Oh, about the size of Coventry Cathedral.
FORD        Do you think we could move it? (Arthur doesn't
reply) Just asking.

- Ford and Arthur in a tricky situation, Fit the Eighth.
BOOK        What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in
the ground
        underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no
hope of
        rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has
been good to
        you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good
to you so
        far, which given your current circumstances seems
more likely,
        consider how lucky you are that it won't be
troubling you much
        longer.

- Comforting advice for Ford and Arthur in this current
situation, Fit the Eighth.
ZAPHOD        Hey, this rock...
FORD        Marble...
ZAPHOD        Marble...
FORD        Ice-covered marble...
ZAPHOD        Right... it's as slippery as... as... What's the
slipperiest
        thing you can think of?
FORD        At the moment? This marble.
ZAPHOD        Right. This marble is as slippery as this marble.

- Zaphod and Ford trying to get a grip on things in
Brontitall, Fit the Tenth.
ARTHUR        It's not a question of whose habitat it is, it's a
question of
        how hard you hit it.

- Arthur pointing out one of the disadvantages of gravity,
Fit the Tenth.
ARTHUR        It probably seems a terrible thing to say, but you
know what I
        sometimes think would be useful in these situations?
LINT.        What?
ARTHUR        A gun of some sort.
LINT.2        Will this help?
ARTHUR        What is it?
LINT.2        A gun of some sort.
ARTHUR        Oh, that'll help. Can you make it fire?
LINT.        Er...
F/X        DEAFENING ROAR
LINT.        Yes.

- Arthur and the Lintillas gaining the upper hand, Fit the
Twelfth.
"`... then I decided that I was a lemon for a couple of
weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and
out of a gin and tonic.'
Arthur cleared his throat, and then did it again.
`Where,' he said, `did you...?'
`Find a gin and tonic?' said Ford brightly. `I found a
small lake that thought it was a gin and tonic, and jumped
in and out of that. At least, I think it thought it was a
gin and tonic.'
`I may,' he addded with a grin which would have sent sane
men scampering into the trees, `have been imagining it.'"

- Ford updating Arthur about what he's been doing for the
past four years.
"Arthur yawed wildly as his skin tried to jump one way and
his skeleton the other, whilst his brain tried to work out
which of his ears it most wanted to crawl out of.
`Bet you weren't expecting to see me again,' said the
monster, which Arthur couldn't help thinking was a strange
remark for it to make, seeing as he had never met the
creature before. He could tell that he hadn't met the
creature before from the simple fact that he was able to
sleep at nights."

- Arthur discovering who had diverted him from going to a
party.
"The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred
character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in
at number 79. ....
When it's fall in New York, the air smells as if someone's
been frying goats in it, and if you are keen to breathe the
best plan is to open a window and stick your head in a
building."

- Nuff said??
"`What's been happening here?' he demanded.
`Oh just the nicest things, sir, just the nicest things.
can I sit on your lap please?'"
"`Colin, I am going to abandon you to your fate.'
`I'm so happy.'"
"`It will be very, very nasty for you, and that's just too
bad. Got it?'
`I gurgle with pleasure.'"

- Ford and Colin the robot.
"What the hell, he thought, you're only young once, and
threw himself out of the window. That would at least keep
the element of surprise on his side."

- Ford outwitting a Vogon with a rocket launcher by going
into another certain death situation.
"`You know they've reintroduced the death penalty for
insurance company directors?'
`Really?' said Arthur. `No I didn't. For what offence?'
Trillian frowned.
`What do you mean, offence?'
`I see.'"

- Evidence that there will be some justice in the Universe
eventually.
"`She hit me on the head with the rock again.'
`I think I can confirm that that was my daughter.'
`Sweet kid.'
`You have to get to know her,' said Arthur.
`She eases up does she?'
`No,' said Arthur, `but you get a better sense of when to
duck.'"

- Ford and Arthur on Random.
"Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that
anything so mindboggingly useful could have evolved purely
by chance that some thinkers have chosen to see it as the
final and clinching proof of the non-existence of God.
"The argument goes something like this: `I refuse to prove
that I exist,' says God, `for proof denies faith, and
without faith I am nothing.'
"`But,' says Man, `The Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't
it? It could not have evolved by chance. It proves you
exist, and so therefore, by your own arguments, you don't.
QED.'
(aikamuotojen käyttö aikamatkustuksessa)
"You can arrive (mayan arivan on-when) for any sitting you
like without prior (late fore-when) reservation because you
can book retrospectively, as it were when you return to
your own time. (you can have on-book haventa forewhen
presooning returningwenta retrohome.) "
"And finally, " said Max, quieting the audience down and
putting on his solemn face, "finally I believe we have with
us here tonight, a party of believers, very devout
believers, from the Church of the Second Coming of the
Great Prophet Zarquon. " ... "There they are, " said Max,
"sitting there, patiently. He said he'd come again, and
he's kept you waiting a long time, so let's hope he's
hurrying fellas, because he's only got eight minutes left! "
"You're very sure of your facts, " he said at last, "I
couldn't trust the thinking of a man who takes the Universe
- if there is one - for granted. "
"What are you talking about? "
"Never mind, eat the fruit. "
"You know, this place almost looks like the Garden of Eden.
"
"Eat the fruit. "
"Sounds quite like it too. "
"Does it worry you that you don't talk any kind of sense? "
"He expanded his chest to make it totally clear that here
was the sort of man you only dared to cross if you had a
team of Sherpas with you. "
"You're one hundred percent positive that the ship which is
crashed on the bottom of this ocean is the ship which you
said you were one hundred percent positive could one
hundred percent positively never crash? "
"Ford had his own code of ethics. It wasn't much of one,
but it was his and he stuck by it, more or less. One rule
he made was never to buy his own drinks. He wasn't sure if
that counted as an ethic, but you have to go with what
you've got. "
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street and...  Ooohh, that's much better.
                -- Steven Wright
        "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
        No, Ma'am.  Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
                -- Monty Python
        "But I don't want to go on the cart..."
        "Oh, don't be such a baby!"
        "But I'm feeling much better..."
        "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
                -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter?
                -- Steven Wright
"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
sincerely, extremely dangerously.

They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used
intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks.
They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They
used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.  They used the
bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.  They used treachery.
They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.  They used applied physics.
They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him.
                -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
                -- Woody Allen
Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
exactly, make people laugh.  That's why they were called "wise men." All the
other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the
wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: Would you please take my
wife?  No.  How about: Here is my wife, please take her right now.  No How
about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available.  No.  How
about ..."
                -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
                -- Bill Cosby
First, a few words about tools.

Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the
laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure
yourself.  Today, people tend to take tools for granted.  If you're ever
walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly
smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted.  If I were you,
I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
                -- Jay Leno
Hey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and
*parks* on *driveways*?
                -- Gallagher
        "I assure you the thought never even crossed my mind, lord."
        "Indeed?  Then if I were you I'd sue my face for slander."
                -- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
I could dance with you till the cows come home.  On second thought, I'd rather
dance with the cows till you come home.
                -- Groucho Marx
"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?'  He
said, 'Phoenix.'  So I pushed Phoenix.  A few seconds later the doors
opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked
at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
with.'  We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
Then the phone rang.  He said 'You get it.'  I picked it up and said
'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
would just like to know what happened to the money?'  I said, 'Mr. Jones,
I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never
called me again."
                -- Steven Wright
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now
when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
farther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, "Here, you can go."
                -- Steven Wright
I have a box of telephone rings under my bed.  Whenever I get lonely, I
open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call.  One day I dropped the
box all over the floor.  The phone wouldn't stop ringing.  I had to get
it disconnected.  So I got a new phone.  I didn't have much money, so I
had to get an irregular.  It doesn't have a five.  I ran into a friend
of mine on the street the other day.  He said why don't you give me a
call.  I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
doesn't have a five.  He asked how long had it been that way.  I said I
didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
                -- Steven Wright
I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.  I keep
it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen some of it.
                -- Steven Wright
I have an existential map.  It has "You are here" written all over it.
                -- Steven Wright
I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do too
much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which
direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After much
trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot tub to face
is up.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
The weatherman said "I don't understand it.  I was supposed to be 80
degrees today," and I said "Oops."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
I never have to go upstairs.

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
front of it in only eight minutes.
                -- Steven Wright
I used to live in a house by the freeway.  When I went anywhere, I had
to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.

I was pulled over for speeding today.  The officer said, "Don't you know
the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?"  And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
to be out that long."

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out.  Now
my car goes 500 miles an hour.
                -- Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near
the place.
                -- Steven Wright
I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
around here often?"  She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself?  I feel like
that all the time..."
                -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?

He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
for him then.
                -- Steven Wright
I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.  I told my roommate,
"Isn't this amazing?  Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
replaced with an exact replica."  He said, "Do I know you?"
                -- Steven Wright
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
                -- Groucho Marx
I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground.  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
feel it.
                -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
people die past the age of a hundred.
                -- George Burns
If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
say they had a nice time.  Now you'll be be expected to throw another party
next year.
        What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been
indicted for anything.  You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a
recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their
own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one ...
        If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
through your living room window.  As host, your job is to make sure that
they don't arrest anybody.  Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
                -- Dave Barry
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
                -- Woody Allen
If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?
                -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow.  All those who
think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the devil gets her
pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up as a human sperm,
please raise your hands.  Thank you.
                -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
Like you,  I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
place in the Scheme of Things.  Here are just a few:

        Q -- Is there life after death?
        A -- Definitely.  I speak from personal experience here.  On New
Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
headache.  Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead.  I
guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
                -- Dave Barry
        "Many have seen Topaxci, God of the Red Mushroom, and they earn the
name of shaman," he said.  Some have seen Skelde, spirit of the smoke, and
they are called sorcerers.  A few have been privileged to see Umcherrel, the
soul of the forest, and they are known as spirit masters.  But none have
seen a box with hundreds of legs that looked at them without eyes, and they
are known as idio--"
        The interruption was caused by a sudden screaming noise and a flurry
of snow and sparks that blew the fire across the dark hut; there was a brief
blurred vision and then the opposite wall was blasted aside and the
apparition vanished.
        There was a long silence.  Then a slightly shorter silence.  Then
the old shaman said carefully, "You didn't just see two men go through
upside down on a broomstick, shouting and screaming at each other, did you?"
        The boy looked at him levelly.  "Certainly not," he said.
        The old man heaved a sigh of relief.  "Thank goodness for that," he
said.  "Neither did I."
                -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
                -- Steven Wright
        My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as
Africa.  Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
Africa.  Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule:  Up at
6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00.  Pretty soon we were back in bed by
6:30.  Now Africa is full of big game.  The first day I shot two bucks.  That
was the biggest game we had.  Africa is primerally inhabited by Elks, Moose
and Knights of Pithiests.
        The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
annual conventions.  And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water.  They
weren't looking for a water hole.  They were looking for an alck hole.
        One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
pajamas, I don't know.  Then we tried to remove the tusks.  That's a tough
word to say, tusks.  As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out.  But in Alabama the Tuscaloosa,
but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
        We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
So we're going back in a few years...
                -- Julius H. Marx [Groucho]
One doesn't have a sense of humor.  It has you.
                -- Larry Gelbart
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to
spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to
indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest
person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you
are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other
passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they
have plenty of food and water.
                -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
Rincewind formed a mental picture of some strange entity living in a castle
made of teeth.  It was the kind of mental picture you tried to forget.
Unsuccessfully.
                -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrate
it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing
cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on "The Waltons".
Well, you can forget it.  If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt,
the economy would collapse overnight.  The government would have to
intervene: it would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving,
which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls
and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force
jets, killing and maiming thousands.  So, for the good of the nation, you
should go along with the Holiday Program.  This means you should get a large
sum of money and go to a mall.
                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities.
Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to
park in.  Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also
dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big
difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES.  You're allowed to
do anything.  You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want.
I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup
truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie"
on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the
accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular,
whereas I was neither.  This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall
parking lots.
                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
        "The pyramid is opening!"
        "Which one?"
        "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
                -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
                   Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
real fast and freak everybody out.
                -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
I had any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"
                -- Steven Wright
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
                -- John Kenneth Galbraith
Will Rogers never met you.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
                -- Steven Wright
Would you *______really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
                -- George Carlin
You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
                -- Steven Wright
        "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
when I was young!"
        "Why, what did she tell you?"
        "I don't know, I didn't listen."
                -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
You may already be a loser.
                -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
You'd better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can't get a taxi, you
can leave in a huff.  If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
                -- Groucho Marx
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
                -- Jim Samuels to a heckler

Ah, yes.  I remember my first beer.
                -- Steve Martin to a heckler

When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
                -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
FORTUNE'S RANDOM QUOTES FROM MATCH GAME 75, NO. 1:

Gene Rayburn: We'd like to close with a thought for the day, friends ---
               something ...

      Someone: (interrupting) Uh-oh

Gene Rayburn: ...pithy, full of wisdom --- and we call on the Poet
               Laureate, Lipsy Russell

Lipsy Russell: The young people are very different today, and there is
               one sure way to know: Kids to use to ask where they came
               from, now they'll tell you where you can go.

          All: (laughter)
"If you want an application to be portable, you don't necessarily create an abstraction layer like a microkernel so much as you program intelligently."

  -- Linus Torvalds on Microkernels (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)
"The funny thing is if you actually read those papers, you find that, while the researchers were applying thier optomizational tricks on a microkernel, in fact those same tricks could be applied to traditional kernels to accelerate thier execution."

  -- Linus Torvalds on Microkernels (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)
"People get annoyed when you try to debug them."

  -- Larry Wall (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)
"You know, how is The Force like duct tape? Answer: it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."

  -- Larry Wall (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)
  Gentlemen, I want you to know that I am not always right, but I am
  never wrong. -Samuel Goldwyn
  Honk if you are against noise pollution!
  I'll give you a definite maybe. -Samuel Goldwyn
  I'm not going to say, "I told you so."
  If you fall and break your legs, don't come running to me. -Samuel
  Goldwyn
  Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.
  Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. -Irene Peter
  Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
  -Josh Billings
  I never liked you, and I always will. -Samuel Goldwyn
  Why don't you pair `em up in threes? -Yogi Berra
  William Safire's rules for writing as seen in the New York Times

     Do not put statements in the negative form.
     And don't start sentences with a conjunction.
     If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great
     deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
     Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
     Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
     If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
     Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
     Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
     Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
     Last, but not least, avoid cliche's like the plague.
Assume a virtue, if you have it not.  -William Shakespeare
Yes... I feel your pain... but as a former first poster (I scored mine a
couple months ago) I know what you went through. Here's where you screwed
up though... YOU DIDN'T PULL THE TRIGGER. You didn't carpe diem.

Yep... When I saw that nice clean article with no posts I didn't hesitate,
yes the adrenaline was surging... my palms were wet, heart pounding. I was
standing at the peak of greatness... I knew I had but one thing to do,
there was no turning back now... I rapidly typed in a one word post.. then
with no hesitation I navigated my mouse over the submit button... and
WHAM.. seconds later I was looking at my feeble post with a #1 attached to
the header. At that mmoment I knew a feeling that only few will ever
know... I was at one with Slashdot... Zen masters and Kings will relate
I'm sure. That one sweet moment when the ying and the yang converge...
bliss... eternal bliss... ahhh!

Then I smoked a cigarette and went to bed.

   -- Anonymous Coward, in response to a "First Post!" that clearly wasn't.
If Microsoft Owned McDonald's
Source: Unknown

1. Every order would come with fries whether you asked for them or not.
2. When they introduce McPizza, the marketing makes it seem that they invented
    pizza.
3. "A McDonald's on every block" -- Bill Gates.
4. You'd be constantly pressured to upgrade to a more expensive burger.
5. Sometimes you'll find that the burger box is empty. For some strange reason
    you'll accept this and purchase another one.
6. They'd claim the burgers are the same size as at other fast food chains,
    but in reality it's just a larger bun hiding the small beef patty.
7. Straws wouldn't be available until after you finish your drink.
8. "Push" technology -- they have McD employees come to your door and sell you
    Happy Meals.
9. Your order would never be right but the cash register would work perfectly
    for taking your money.
10. The "Special Sauce" cannot be reverse engineered, decompiled, or placed on
    more than 1 Big Mac.
      Caller: I just installed Windows 95 on my computer.
Tech Support: And...?
      Caller: It's not working.
Tech Support: You already said that.
An OS/2 professional visits a seminar for Windows 95. During the practice
lesson Bill Gates asks him: "What do you like about Windows95?" He answers,
"That YOU have to use it."
Are you scared of speed?  If so, then try Windows 95.
Windows is the best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
If Windows is so user-friendly, then why do you need a 678-page manual?
Windows - From the people who brought you EDLIN!
If at first you don't succeed, you must be using Windows.
Buy a Pentium III so you can reboot faster.
What are YOU doing to oppose the Microsoft Juggernaut?
Bill Gates to his broker:
"You idiot, I said $150 million on SNAPPLE!!!"
Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy?  Shell to DOS...
If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft.
Bill Gates is surfing the Internet, collecting the URLs of anti-Micrsoft
websites to send to the legal department for possible libel lawsuits. Suddenly
the devil appears, and says, "Bill, I've got a deal for you. I will turn
Microsoft into a complete software monopoly. Every computer will run Windows.
Every user will be forced to buy Microsoft software. The Justice Department
will look the other way. Everyone will love you. You only have to do one thing:
give me your soul." Bill Gates looks at him and replies, "Ok, sure. But what's
the catch?"
Q: How do you make Windows run faster?
A: Throw it harder!
Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one
   to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried
   reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because
   the light bulb in our office works fine..."
Q: What do you call 50 Microsoft products at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A darned good start.
You Might be a Microsoft Employee If...

1. When a Microsoft program crashes for the millionth time, you say "Oh,
    well!" and reboot without any negative thoughts
2. The Windows 95 startup screen (the clouds) makes you feel all warm and
    fuzzy inside
3. You fully understand why Windows 95's Shutdown Option has to be
    accessed from the Start Menu
4. You believe Internet Explorer's security flaws were slipped in by a
    crack team of Netscape programmers
5. You keep valuable papers near your fireplace. Therefore, you are
    comfortable with Windows 95's "may-delete-it-at-anytime" philosophy
6. You're the Bob that Microsoft Bob was named after
7. Instead of "I'd rather be fishing," your bumper sticker says, "I'd
    rather be writing buggy Microsoft code"
8. You know the technical difference between OLE 1.0 and OLE 2.0
9. You've ever completed your income taxes while waiting for Windows 95
    to boot, and didn't think anything of it
10. You run Solitaire more than any other program, and therefore you
    consider your computer a Dedicated Solitaire Engine (DSE)
You Might be a Microsoft Employee If...

1. Every night you dream of torturing Linus Torvalds
2. Every morning you say, "I pledge allegiance to the logo of the United
    Corporation of Microsoft. And to the stock options for which it stands, one
    company, under Bill, with headaches and buggy software for all."
3. Your favorite pick-up line is, "Hey baby...do you want to see a little
    ActiveX?"
4. Everytime you see a website with "Best viewed with Netscape" on it you
    feel like filing a lawsuit against its webmaster
5. You feel that all Anti-Microsoft websites should be censored because they
    are on the Internet, something Bill "invented."
6. You've set a goal to invent at least one new buzzword or acronym per day
7. You've ever been nervous because you haven't registered your Microsoft
    software yet.
8. You've trained your parrot to say "Unix sucks!" and "All hail Bill Gates!"
9. You own a limited edition Monopoly game in which Boardwalk is Microsoft and
    Jail is replaced by Justice Department Investigation
10. You've spent countless hours tracking down the source of the "Microsoft
    Acquires Vatican Church" rumor
Two computer people discussing those old stories about Bill Gates' name
adding up to 666 in ASCII:

"I hear that if you play the NT 4.0 CD backwards, you get a satanic
message"

"...That's nothing. If you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0!"
All of you people should be ashamed of yourselves! MicroSoft is the reason
there are so many people in my IS department, and the reason half of us have
jobs. If Sun had won, we could probably get by with two people sleeping like
the Maytag man. But because of MS, there are eight people gainfully employed as
highly paid contracters, looking busy, feeding their kids. And the way it
looks, I stand to be employed and wealthy for a long, long time.

   -- From Slashdot.org
Never trust an operating system you don't have sources for.
Microsoft gives you Windows... Linux gives you the whole house.
Linux. Where do you want to go tomorrow?
When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at
you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*".
  
   -- Linus Torvalds
Linux -- Have you administered a real OS today?
The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a
dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.
What you end up with, after running an operating system concept through
these many marketing coffee filters, is something not unlike plain hot
water.

   -- Matt Welsh
Computers are like air conditioners -- they stop working properly if you open
WINDOWS
Linux. When you want to get there today!

   -- Jeremy Hinegardner
Do you remember when you only had to pay for windows when *you* broke
them?

   -- Noel Maddy
Everyone seems so impatient and angry these days.  I think it's because
so many people use Windows at work -- do you think you'd be Politeness
Man after working on Windows 8 hrs. or more?

   -- Chip Atkinson
Are you tired of being a crash test dummy for Microsoft? Discover Linux.

   -- Gareth Barnard
Windows NT -- it'll drive you buggy!

   -- Gareth Barnard
If at first you don't succeed, get a job with Microsoft.

   -- Gareth Barnard
Linux: Where do you want to GO... Oh, I'm already there!

   -- Ewout Stam
Windows: Where do you WANT to go TODAY? You WANT to, but you'll never
get there. And you can go to only ONE place per day.

   -- Ewout Stam
Windows contains FAT.
Use Linux -- you won't ever have to worry about your weight.

   -- Ewout Stam
Q: How many Microsoft Programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It cannot be done. You will need to upgrade your house.

Q: How many Linux users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to write the HOWTO-LIGHTBULB-CRONJOB, and another to read
it.

   -- Geoff Johnson
Windows: The first user interface where you click Start to turn it off.

   -- From a Slashdot.org post
Oh My God! They Killed init! You Bastards!

   -- From a Slashdot.org post
Where do you want Bill Gates to go today?

   -- From a Slashdot.org post
It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your source code is?

   -- From a Slashdot.org post
I'm still waiting for the "Honk if you hate Microsoft" [bumper sticker],
but that might get annoying, everyone honking at you.

   -- From a Slashdot.org post
Statements recently seen on Slashdot:

"The Internet interprets advertising as damage and routes around it."

"Accept risk. Accept responsibility. Put a lawyer out of business."

"A beowulf cluster of Cisco routers? Isn't that the Internet?"

"Geeks aren't interested in politics because government doesn't double its
efficiency and speed once every 18 months."

"Windows 98 hasn't crashed for me once in over a year, either. Oh, wait, I
haven't booted it in over a year."

"For more than 4 generations the IT Professionals were the guardians of
quality and stability in software. Before the dark times. Before
Microsoft..."

"You can tell how desperate they are by counting the number of times
they say 'innovate' in their press releases."
You all have to admit that Microsoft products provide a quality unmatched
by any other company. That is why I am switching to 100% pure shredded
Microsoft certificates of authenticity in my hamster's cage.

   -- From a Slashdot.org post
Linux: Because rebooting is for adding hardware

Solaris: Because you don't need to reboot to add hardware

Windows: Because rebooting is for adding hardware, adding software,
regularly scheduled downtime, and should also be done on a daily basis to
keep the machine running.

   -- From a Slashdot.org post
Hear me out. Linux is Microsoft's main competition right now. Because of
this we are forcing them to "innovate", something they would usually avoid.
Now if MS Bob has taught us anything, Microsoft is not a company that
should be innovating. When they do, they don't come up with things like
"better security" or "stability", they come back with "talking
paperclips", and "throw in every usless feature we can think of, memory
footprint be dammed".

Unfortunatly, they also come up with the bright idea of executing email.
Now MIME attachments aren't enough, they want you to be able to run/open
attachments right when you get them. This sounds like a good idea to
people who believe renaming directories to folders made computing possible
for the common man, but security wise it's like vigorously shaking a
package from the Unibomber.

So my friends, we are to blame. We pushed them into frantically trying to
invent "necessary" features to stay on top, and look where it got us. Many
of us are watching our beloved mail servers go down under the strain and
rebuilding our company's PC because of our pointless competition with MS.
I implore you to please drop Linux before Microsoft innovates again.

  -- From a Slashdot.org post in regards to the ILOVEYOU email virus
Microsoft: You've got questions. We've got a dancing paperclip.

   -- From a Slashdot.org post
Have you ever noticed that at trade shows Microsoft is always the
one giving away stress balls...

   -- From a Slashdot.org post
Windows: Where do you want to go today?

MacOS: Where do you want to be tomorrow?

Linux: Are you coming or what?

   -- Linux Journal
Myth: Linux has a lower TCO

Fact: If you consider that buying NT licenses for business use is
tax-deductible, as are all those tech support calls, NT actually has a
lower TCO than Linux! How are you going to expense software that doesn't
cost anything? Eh?!?

   -- From a LinuxToday post
If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot of
different places, just write a Unix operating system.

   -- Linus Torvalds
See, you not only have to be a good coder to create a system like Linux,
you have to be a sneaky bastard too.

   -- Linus Torvalds
Besides, I think Slackware sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you?

   -- Patrick Volkerding
It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your source code is?
Missouri Town Changes Name to 'Linux'

LINUX, MO -- The small Missouri town of Linn, county seat of Osage County,
announced yesterday that it will be henceforth called 'Linux'. Mayor Bob Farrow
said, "Linn needed something to put it on the map. A few weeks ago my daughter
mentioned that she installed Linux on her computer and how great she thought it
was. I thought to myself, 'Self, changing the town's name to 'Linux' could be
an opportunity to attract attention -- and money -- to our town. We could even
hold a Linux Convention at the community center.' So I approached the city
council about the idea, and they loved it. The rest is history."

Farrow's daughter is organizing the Linux Linux User Group. She hopes to be
able to hold a Linux Convention this fall. "The Linn, er, Linux community
center probably won't be big enough, we'll probably have to hold it in nearby
Jefferson City," she said.

The mayor does have one reservation. "How the hell do you pronounce Linux?" One
of the mayor's contenders in the next election, Mr. Noah Morals, says he will
start an ad campaign calling Bob Farrow "the Incumbent Liar of LIE-nucks".
Needless to say, the mayor usually pronounces Linux as "LIH-nucks".
Linux Infiltrates Windows NT Demo

SILICON VALLEY, CA -- Attendees at the Microsoft ActiveDemo Conference held
this week in San Jose were greeted by a pleasant surprise yesterday: Linux.
Somehow a group of Linux enthusiasts were able to replace a Windows NT box with
a Linux box right before the "ActiveDemo" of Windows NT 5 beta. "I have no clue
how they were able to pull off this prank," a Microserf spokesman said. "Rest
assured, Microsoft will do everything to investigate and prosecute the Linux
nuts who did this. Our bottom line must be protected."

Bill Gates said, "I was showing off the new features in Windows NT 5 when I
noticed something odd about the demo computer. It didn't crash. Plus, the font
used on the screen wasn't MS San Serif -- trust me, I know. My suspicions were
confirmed when, instead of the "Flying Windows" screensaver, a "Don't Fear the
Penguins" screensaver appeared. The audience laughed and applauded for five
straight minutes. It was so embarrasing -- even more so than the pie incident.

One attendee said, "Wow! This Linux is cool -- it didn't crash once during the
entire demo! I'd like to see NT do that." Another asked, "You guys got any
Linux CDs? I want one. Forget about vaporware NT." Yet another remarked, "I
didn't know it was possible to hack Linux to make it look like NT. I can
install Linux on my company's computers without my boss knowing!"
ARE YOU ADDICTED TO SLASHDOT?
Take this short test to find out if you are a Dothead.

1. Do you submit articles to Slashdot and then reload the main page every 3.2
    seconds to see if your article has been published yet?
2. Have you made more than one "first comment!" post within the past week?
3. Have you ever participated in a Gnome vs. KDE or a Linux vs. FreeBSD
    flamewar on Slashdot?
4. Do you write jokes about Slashdot?
5. Do you wake up at night, go to the bathroom, and fire up your web browser
    to get your Slashdot fix on the way back?
6. Do you dump your date at the curb so you can hurry home to visit Slashdot?
7. Do you think of Slashdot when you order a taco at a restaurant?
8. Are you a charter member of the Rob Malda Fan Club?
9. Did you lease a T3 line so you could download Slashdot faster?
10. Is Slashdot your only brower's bookmark?
11. Do you get a buzz when your browser finally connects to Slashdot?
12. Do you panic when your browser says "Unable to connect to slashdot.org"?
13. Have you even made a New Year's Resolution to cut back on Slashdot
    access... only to visit it at 12:01?
Stallman's Latest Proclamation

Richard M. Stallman doesn't want you to say "Windows" anymore. He is now
advocating that people call this OS by its real name:
Microsoft-Xerox-Apple-Windows. This proclamation comes on the heels of his
controversial stand that Linux should be called GNU/Linux. RMS explained in a
Usenet posting, "Calling Microsoft's OS 'Windows' is a grave inaccuracy. Xerox
and Apple both contributed significant ideas and innovations to this OS. Why
should Microsoft get all the credit?"

RMS also hinted that people shouldn't refer to Microsoft's web browser as IE.
"It should really be called Microsoft-Spyglass-Mosaic-Internet-Explorer. Again,
how much credit does Microsoft really deserve for this product? Much of the
base code was licensed from Spyglass."

Many industry pundits are less than thrilled about RMS' proclamation. The
editor of Windows Magazine exclaimed, "What?!?! Yeah, we'll rename our magazine
Microsoft-Xerox-Apple-Windows Magazine. That just rolls off the tongue!" A
Ziff-Davis columnist noted, "Think of all the wasted space this would cause. If
we spelled out everything like this, we'd have headlines like, 'Microsoft
Releases Service Pack 5 for Microsoft-Xerox-Apple-Windows Neutered Technology
4.0' Clearly this is unacceptable."
Linux Drinking Game (Abridged)

With a group of friends, take turns reading articles about Linux from popular
media sources (Ziff-Davis AnchorDesk is recommended) or postings on Usenet (try
alt.fan.bill-gates). If the author says one of the things below, take a drink.
Continue until everyone involved is plastered.

- Linux will never go mainstream
- Any platform that can't run Microsoft Office [or some other Microsoft
  "solution"] sucks
- Linux is hard to install
- Linux tech support is lacking
- No one ever got fired for choosing Microsoft
- Any OS with a command line interface is primitive
- Microsoft is an innovative company
- Could you get fired for choosing Linux?
- Linux was created by a bunch of snot-nosed 14 year old hackers with acne and
  no life
- Security through obscurity is the way to go
- Linus and Unix are 70s technology while NT is 90s technology
- All Linux software must be released under the GPL
- Linux is a great piece of shareware
Tux Penguin Boxing Match

LAS VEGAS, NV -- The unofficial Linux mascot Tux the Penguin will face his arch
rival the BSD Daemon in a boxing match this Saturday night. The match is part
of the International Computer Mascot Boxing Federation's First Annual World
Championship Series. The winner will advance to face one of the Intel "Bunny
People".

Boxing pundits favor Tux as the winner. Last week Tux won his first match in
the Championship Series against Wilbur the Gimp. "The Gimp didn't have a
chance," one spectator said. "With Tux's ability to run at top speeds of over
100mph, I don't see how he could possibly lose." The BSD Daemon, however, is
certainly a formidible opponent. While boxing rules prohibit the Daemon from
using his patented pitchfork, his pointy horns are permitted in the ring.

Some observers think the whole Computer Mascot Boxing Federation is a fake.
"WWF is all scripted," one sports writer pointed out. "And so is this. You
actually think that a penguin is capable of boxing? The idea of a penguin
fighting a demon is patently absurd. This whole Championship Series has no
doubt been scripted. It's probably nothing more than two little kids in
penguin and demon suits duking it out in a boxing ring. What a waste of time."
Could You Get Fired for Visiting Slashdot?

PADUCAH, KY -- Matt Johnson, an employee at Paradigm Shift Consulting, Inc.,
was fired from his programming job because of his addiction to Slashdot.
Johnson typically visited Slashdot several times a day during working hours.
Citing productivity problems, Johnson's boss gave him the pink slip and
instituted a 'NoDot' policy -- no visiting Slashdot or related sites from the
office, ever.  Now Johnson has filed a lawsuit, claiming that his Slashdot
addiction is protected by the Americans With Disabilities Act.

Matt Johnson explained, "They discriminated against me because I'm a Dothead.
Drug abuse and alcoholism are often considered handicaps.  Why not Slashdot
addiction?"  Johnson's boss sees the situation differently.   "Matt never got
any work done.  He was always visiting Slashdot, Freshmeat, or some other
nerd website.  And when he wasn't, he suffered withdrawl symptoms and
couldn't think straight.  A few months ago he spent eight consecutive hours
posting comments in a KDE vs. GNOME flame war.  I tried to offer assistance
to overcome his addiction, but he refused. Enough is enough."

The company's 'NoDot' policy has been under fire as well.  One anonymous
employee said, "We can't visit Slashdot because of Matt's addiction.  This
just sucks.  I really don't see anything wrong with visiting Slashdot during
breaks or after hours."
Humorix Holiday Gift Idea #4

Microsoft Destruction Kit
Price: US$29.95 (more with optional digital camera or shotgun)
Producer: The Fuzzier Image; 1-800-BILL-SUX

Mix an Internet Explorer CD-ROM, a rocket launcher, and a flamethrower. What
do you have?  A whole lot of fun!  The Microsoft Destruction Kit is the best
way to destroy those Microsoft CD-ROMs you no longer need now that you've
discovered Linux.  You can launch the CD (and registration forms, manuals,
retail boxes, license agreements, etc.) and pepper it with bullets, all while
capturing the event with a digital camera. Or, you can use the included
miniature flamethrower to burn the evil CD to a crisp.  The kit comes with a
set of IE 4.0 CDs to get you started.  Tell Microsoft "where *you* want
it to go today" in style with the Microsoft Destruction Kit.
Humorix Holiday Gift Idea #5

AbsoluteZero(tm) Cryogenic Refrigerator
$29,999.95 for economy model at Cryo-Me-A-River, Inc.

The pundits have been hyping new technology allowing your home appliances to
have Internet access. Most people aren't too keen with the thought of their
refrigerator sharing an IP address with their can opener.

But with the new AbsoluteZero(tm) Refrigerator, that might change. This is not
a fridge for your food -- it's a fridge for your overclocked, overheating CPU.
You stick your computer inside, bolt the door shut, turn the temperature down
to 5 degrees Kelvin, and you've got the perfect environment for accelerating
your CPU to 1 Terahertz or more.

This cryogenic cooling system may not actually reach absolute zero, but it
comes mighty close. Unfortunately, the AbsoluteZero(tm) is the size of a small
house, consumes a constant stream of liquid nitrogen, and requires it's own
nuclear reactor (not included). But that's a small price to pay for the
ability to play Quake 3 at 100,000 frames per second.
Humorix Holiday Gift Idea #6

Hearing Un-aid
US$129.95 at The Fuzzier Projection Co.

It's a scene we can all identify with: you're at a boring company meeting,
trying to read the latest Slashdot headlines on your PalmPilot, but you can't
concentrate because the PHB is rambling in a loud, booming voice about
e-infomediary-substrategic-paradigms and
meta-content-aggregation-relationship-corridors.

With the Hearing Un-aid(tm), you can put a stop to incessant buzzword-speak by
your boss. Unlike a hearing aid, which amplifies sound, the Hearing Un-aid
dampens noise, so you can easily tune out the board meeting and instead focus
on something far more important, such as downloading Humorix stories.

If you happen to miss something important (yeah, right) and your boss accuses
you of not paying attention, you can simply point to your hearing "aid" and
respond, "What was that? I couldn't hear you because of my temporary hearing
loss."
Humorix Holiday Gift Idea #7

Bluescreen Computer Case
US$27.97 at Bud's Beige Box Bazaar

Real Geeks may not admit to using Windows, but there's still countless geeks
out there who must suffer through the humiliation of using Windows while at
work. The patent-not-pending Bluescreen Case, though, will ease the stress of
working with Microsoft "solutions".

This computer case is very similar to other beige boxes, but with one
important difference: the reboot button is covered with a picture of Bill
Gates. When the machine bluescreens for the millionth time, all you have to do
is punch Bill Gates in the face as hard as you can, and the computer will
restart. This provides invaluable therapeutic stress relief.
Humorix Holiday Gift Idea #8

Bob's Map to the Homes of the Rich & Geeky
US$29.95 at BobsEcommerceSite.com

Hollywood is full of shady street-side vendors selling "maps to the homes of
the rich and famous" that are actually photocopies of photocopies of
photocopies of an old 1984 Rand McNally map.

But what about the Bay Area? Wouldn't you like to visit the homes and
driveways of the rich and geeky in Silicon Valley? Wouldn't you like to see
Linus Torvalds' residence? Wouldn't you like to drive by the home of
permanent-interim-CEO Steve Jobs? Wouldn't you like to spit on the driveway of
Bill Gates?

Well, now you can. Bob's Map to the Homes of the Rich & Geeky is a full-color
128 page atlas filled with detailed instructions for finding the homes of
1,024 of the world's most famous geeks. From San Jose, to Seattle, to Austin,
to Boston, Bob's Map is your passport to gawk at the homes of the rich and
geeky.
Humorix Holiday Gift Idea #9

Dial-A-Detective
$499.95/year; 1-888-BYE-SPAM

This detective firm is not what you'd expect. Instead of tracking murderers or
unfaithful husbands, this band of rogue private investigators goes after
something just as sinister -- spammers. For a modest annual retainer fee,
these spam detectives will track down the source of every piece of spam you
receive.

Using the latest in forensic technology, they will bring you the virtual scalp
of the spammer -- their name, home address, social-security number, and, more
importantly, credit card numbers. At this point you are free to pursue the
evil spammer as you see fit.

If your friend or relative is sick of receiving wave after wave of "Find Out
Anything About Anyone" spams, give them a subscription to Dial-A-Detective,
and they'll find out anything about any spammer -- for real.
MAKE MONEY FAST FROM SLASHDOT!!!!!!

You are probably familiar with the Slashdot.org "News for Nerds" site.
You've probably heard about the "Slashdot Effect".  Now, we want to
introduce a new term that could change your life: "Slashdot Baiting".

The Slashdot Effect is a significant source of traffic.  Lots of traffic.
Thousands of visitors within hours.  Thousands of eyeballs looking and
clicking at YOUR banner advertisements.  In short, the Slashdot Effect, if
properly utilized, can produce a significant amount of advertising revenue.

That's where we at MoneyDot Lucrative Marketing International Group, Inc.
come in.  We know how to exploit the Slashdot Effect.  We call our strategy
"Slashdot Baiting".  It's quite painless.  We have formulated 101 easy ways
to get your site mentioned on Slashdot.

Interested in pursuing Slashdot Baiting and obtaining financial
independence? Want to make $50,000 (or more!) within 90 days?

Then purchase MLM's "Slashdot Baiting Kit", which will contain everything
you need to know to put this powerful marketing force to work for YOU! We
also throw in a warranty: if your site isn't mentioned on Slashdot within 90
days of using this Kit, we'll give you your money back guaranteed!
Microsoft ActivePromo Campaign: "What Slogan Do You Want to See Tommorrow?"

Microsoft's PR masterminds are planning a massive marketing campaign,
code-named "ActivePromo 2000", to promote the upcoming release of Windows
2000 (scheduled for February 2001).  This marketing campaign will include a
"What Slogan Do You Want to See Tommorrow?" promotion.

Children under age 16 will have to opportunity to create their own Microsoft
slogan to replace the aging "Where Do You Want to Go Today?"(R) motto.
Microsoft will set up a special email alias where children can submit their
entries along with detailed personal and demographic information (for
verification purposes, of course).  A panel of Microsoft employees will
select a winning entry, which will become the official slogan.  The winner
and his/her family will receive an all-expense paid week-long vacation to
Redmond, WA ("The Vacation Capital of East Central Washington State"),
including a guided tour of the Microsoft campus and a personal ten minute
photo-opportunity with Chairman Bill.

We personally believe that "Don't Think About Going Anywhere Else Today"
would make a perfect Microsoft slogan.  "Crashes Are Normal" might also be a
good choice.
Attack of the Tuxissa Virus

What started out as a prank posting to comp.os.linux.advocacy yesterday has
turned into one of the most significant viruses in computing history.
The creator of the virus, who goes by the moniker "Anonymous Longhair",
modified the Melissa virus to install Linux on infected machines.

"It's a work of art," one Linux advocate told Humorix after he looked
through the Tuxissa virus source code.  "This virus goes well beyond the
feeble troublemaking of Melissa.  It actually configures a UMSDOS partition
on the user's hard drive and then downloads and installs a stripped-down
version of Slackware Linux."

The email message that the virus is attached to has the subject "Important
Message About Windows Security".  The text of the body says, "I want to let
you know about some security problems I've uncovered in Windows 95/98/NT,
Office 95/97, and Outlook. It's critically important that you protect your
system against these attacks.  Visit these sites for more information..."
The rest of the message contains 42 links to sites about Linux and free
software.

Details on how the virus started are a bit sketchy.  The "Anonymous
Longhair" who created it only posted it to Usenet as an early April Fool's
gag, demonstrating how easy it would be to mount a "Linux revolution".
New Crime Identified: "Tech Rage"

HARRISBURG, IL -- The police department in this Illinois town has coined a
new term for a growing trend in crime: "tech rage". Tech rage shares many
similarities with another modern crime, "road rage", but instead of
affecting drivers, tech rage is experienced by disgruntled computer users.

The first documented case of tech rage involves a Microsoft salesman, Bob
Glutzfield, who convinced the local TV station to "upgrade" its computer
systems from Macintosh to Wintel.  While the migration seemed successful at
first, the Blue Screen became more prevalent during the following months.

Then, in January, the entire computer system crashed in the middle of the
weather forecast during the 10 o'clock evening news. Viewers could plainly
see the Blue Screen of Death showing in the monitors behind James Roland,
the chief meteorologist. The instability of Windows 98 stretched Roland's
patience until he snapped last week and succumbed to tech rage.

Roland tracked down the Microsoft salesman and followed him one evening to
his apartment.  The weatherman yelled at the bewildered Microserf, "You
[expletive]! Because of you, I'm the [expletive] laughing stock of Southern
Illinois!" and then proceeded to beat him up.  Roland is currently out on
bond pending trial next month.
BSOD Simulator

Users of Red Hat 6.0 are discovering a new feature that hasn't been widely
advertised: a Blue Screen of Death simulator.  By default, the bsodsim
program activates when the user hits the virtually unused SysRq key (this is
customizable) causing the system to switch to a character cell console to
display a ficticious Blue Screen.

Red Hat hails the bsodsim program as the "boss key" for the Linux world. One
RH engineer said, "Workers are smuggling Linux boxes into companies that
exclusively use Windows.  This is all good and well until the PHB walks by
and comments, 'That doesn't look like Windows...' With bsodsim, that problem
is solved.  The worker can hit the emergency SysRq key, and the system will
behave just like Windows..."

The bsodsim program doesn't stop at just showing a simulated error message.
If the boss doesn't walk away, the worker can continue the illusion by
hitting CTRL-ALT-DEL, which causes a simulated reboot.  After showing the
usual boot messages, bsodsim will run a simulated SCANDISK program
indefinitely. The boss won't be able to tell the difference.  If the boss
continues to hang around, the worker can say, "SCANDISK is really taking a
long time... maybe we should upgrade our computers.  And don't you have
something better to do than watch this computer reboot for the tenth time
today?"
Actual Snippet of Windows Source Code!  Honest!

NOTE: The following snippet of the Windows 95 source code was sent to us via
'unofficial' channels.  Don't tell anyone you saw this!  We really don't
feel like being visited by the Microsoft Intellectual Property Police.

void BusyLoop()
/* Do nothing loop to kill CPU cycles; added at the
   request of Intel */
{
DisplayRandomSubliminalMessage();
for( int i = 0; i < BIG_INT; i++ )
  for( int j = 0; j < BIG_INT; j++ )
   for( int k = 0; k < BIG_INT; k++ )
    for( int l = 0; l < BIG_INT; l++ )
     if( STACK_SPACE_PERCENTAGE_FREE > .05 )
     /* There's plenty of stack space left -- let's
        eat up some more CPU cycles, recursively! */
      BusyLoop();
}
Examples of the output generated when running commonly typed commands
under YODIX, the new Unix-like operating system for Star Wars fans
(Submitted by Dave Finton):

# pwd
Know you not where you are. Show you I shall.

# uptime
When 900 years you be, look this good you will not.

# cd /win95
Once you start down the Dark Path, forever will it dominate your destiny!

# winnuke 192.168.1.0
That, my friend, will lead you to the dark side. Help you I will not.

# rm -rf /
Idiot you are. Yeeesss.

# shutdown -h now
Luke... there is... another... Sky... walker...
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#3)

Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill
out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade.

Question 3: Have you ever experimented with the freeware Linux OS created
            by a group of anarchist acne-laden teenagers via the Net?

A. No, I'd never trust my work to a piece of non-Microsoft software.

B. No, I'd never trust my computer to a piece of software that has a
   restrictive license agreement such as the GNU GPL.

C. No, I don't want to mess with the ancient command line interface Linux
   imposes on its users.

D. Yes, but I quickly migrated back to modern Windows NT after I had
   trouble figuring out how to boot the thing from the cryptic LILO
   prompt.
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#5)

Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill
out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade.

Question 5: Where do you want to go today?(tm)

A. To Washington, D.C. to meet Janet Reno and cuss her out for persecuting
   Microsoft

B. To Redmond, WA to take a tour of the Microsoft campus

C. To the software store to purchase a new piece of Microsoft software

D. To my local school district to convince the administration to upgrade
   the Macintoshes in the computer labs to Wintel systems

E. I don't know about myself, but I'd like to see so-called "consumer
   advocates" like Ralph Nader go to Hell.
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#7)

Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill
out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade.

Question 7: What new features would you like to see in Windows 2000?

A. A marquee on the taskbar that automatically scrolls the latest
   headlines from MSNBC and Microsoft Press Pass

B. Content filtration software for Internet Explorer that will prevent my
   children from accessing dangerous propaganda about Linux.

C. A new card game; I've spent over 10,000 hours playing Solitaire during
   my free time at work and I'm starting to get bored with it

D. A screensaver depicting cream pies being thrown at Janet Reno, Joel
   Klien, David Boies, Ralpha Nader, Orrin Hatch, Linus Torvalds, Richard
   M. Stallman, and other conspirators out to destroy Microsoft

E. A Reinstall Wizard that helps me reinstall a fresh copy of Windows to
   fix Registry corruptions and other known issues
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#8)

Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill
out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade.

Question 8: If you could meet Bill Gates for one minute, what would you
            say to him?

A. "Can you give me a loan for a million or so?"

B. "I just love all the new features in Windows 98!"

C. "Could you autograph this box of Windows 98 for me?"

D. "I really enjoyed reading 'Business @ the Speed of Thought'. It's so
   cool!"

E. "Give the government hell, Bill!"
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#9)

Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill
out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade.

Question 9: Which of the following do you prefer as a replacement for the
            current Microsoft slogan?

A. "Over 20 Years of Innovation"
B. "Wintel Inside"
C. "Your Windows And Gates To The World"
D. "Because Anti-Trust Laws Are Obsolete"
E. "One Microsoft Way. It's Much More Than An Address!"
F. "This Motto Is Not Anti-Competitive. And Neither Is Microsoft."
G. "Fighting the Department of Injustice Since Day One"
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#13)

Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill
out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade.

Question 13: Which of the following new Microsoft products do you plan on
             buying within the next 6 months?

A. Windows For Babies(tm) - Using an enhanced "click-n-drool" interface,
   babies will be able to learn how to use a Wintel computer, giving them
   a head start in living in a Microsoft-led world.

B. Where In Redmond Is Carmen Sandiego?(tm) - The archvillian Sandiego has
   stolen the Windows source code and must be stopped before she can
   publish it on the Net.

C. ActiveKeyboard 2000(tm) - An ergonomic keyboard that replaces useless
   keys like SysRq and Scroll Lock with handy keys like "Play Solitaire"
   and "Visit Microsoft.com".

D. Visual BatchFile(tm) - An IDE and compiler for the MS-DOS batch file
   language. MSNBC calls it "better than Perl".
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#14)

Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill
out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade.

Question 14: How would you rate the performance of the Microsoft defense
             team in the antitrust trial?

A. Perfect; they have clearly shown that Microsoft's market leading
   position is good for consumers.

B. Outstanding; all of the pundits who are predicting that Microsoft will
   lose are a bunch of idiots.

C. Excellent; Bill Gates' wonderful video deposition clearly demonstrated
   to the American public that he is a true visionary.

D. I don't know; I haven't been paying any attention to the case because I
   know Microsoft will prevail anyways.
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#18)

Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill
out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade.

Question 18: Witnessing the popularity of "Dilbert", Microsoft has plans
     to launch a syndicated comic strip featuring life at Microsoft. What
     characters would you like to see in such a comic strip?

A. Judge Jackson, the goofy court judge who is always making foolish (and
   funny) decisions

B. Bob, a wacky Microsoft programmer who likes to insert easter eggs in
   his work, and who is addicted to playing "Age of Empires"

C. Bill Gates, the intelligent nerd extraordinaire who always gets his way
   by simply giving people large sums of money

D. Ed Muth, the Microsoft spokesman who keeps putting his foot in his
   mouth. When not in public, he's a surprisingly sexy "chic magnet"

E. Poorard Stalinman, the leader of a movement of hackers to provide
   "free" software for the masses at the expense of Capitalistic values
Boston Software Party

BOSTON, MA -- Thousands of disgruntled Linux revolutionaries showed up at
the Boston Harbor today to protest "taxation without representation" by
the oppressive Microsoft Corporation. Thousands of pounds of Microsoft
boxes, CD-ROMs, manuals, license agreements, promotional materials, and
registration forms were dumped into the harbor during the First Annual
Boston Software Party.

Some attendees sold hastily printed T-shirts with slogans like "July 4th,
1999: Microsoft Independence Day!" and "What do you call 10,000 pounds of
Microsoft software at the bottom of the ocean? A darned good start!"
Others sold fake dollar bills with a portrait of Tux Penguin and the
saying, "In Linus We Trust"...
Jargon Coiner (#1)

An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.

* WINCURSE: Loud expletive uttered when a Linux user comes face-to-face
  with a computer containing a WinModem.

  Example: "Eric wincursed when his mother showed him the new computer she
  bought from CompUSSR... which contained a WinModem and a WinSoundCard."

* WIND'OH KEY: Nickname given to the three useless Windows keys that come
  on virtually all new keyboards. These keys are often hit by mistake
  instead of CTRL or ALT, causing the user to shout "D'oh!"

* DE-WIND'OH!ED KEYBOARD: (1) A new keyboard produced without any wind'oh!
  keys or a "Enhanced for Windows 95/98" logo. Extremely rare. (2) A
  keyboard in which the wind'oh! keys have been physically removed.
Jargon Coiner (#2)

An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.

* SLASHDUP EFFECT, THE: Accidentally posting two or more duplicate
  comments to Slashdot, usually as the result of hitting ENTER at the
  wrong time or fumbling with the Preview option.

* YOU'VE GOT SLOGAN: The tendency for reporters to parody the stupid
  "You've Got Mail" saying when writing about AOL.

  Example: "You've Got Spam", "You've Got Merger" (the headline for an
  article about the Netscape/AOL Merger From Hell)

* PENGUINIZATION: Ongoing trend to slap a picture of Tux Penguin next to
  anything even remotely related to Linux.

* IDLESURF: Aimless surfing of the Internet; looking for something
  interesting to read while killing time. Often involves reloaded the
  Slashdot homepage every 5 minutes to see if a new article has been
  posted.
Jargon Coiner (#3)

An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.

* LILOSPLAININ': Arduous process of explaining why there's now a LILO boot
  prompt on the office computer.

  Example: "John had some lilosplainin' to do after his boss turned on the
  computer and the Windows splash screen didn't appear."

* UPTIME DOWNER: Depression that strikes a Linux sysadmin after his uptime
  is ruined. Can be caused by an extended power outtage, a pet chewing
  through the power cord, a lightning bolt striking the power line, or an
  urgent need to reboot into Windows to read a stupid Word document.

* OSTR (Off-Switch Total Recall): The sudden recollection of something
  terribly important you need to do online that occurs exactly 0.157
  seconds after you've shut down your computer.
Jargon Coiner (#4)

An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.

* FREE LECTURE: Attempting to explain the concepts of Linux, Open Source
  software, free software, and gift cultures to someone who is not
  familiar with them. Made extra difficult if the explainee has been
  misled by superficial mainstream news articles about the subject.

  Example: "Eric gave an hour-long free lecture to his mother-in-law after
  she asked him about this Linux thingy she read about in USA Today."

* LEXICON LAZINESS:  Filling a fortune file with a list of fake jargon
  instead of publishing something more substantive (and funny) that would
  take more effort to write.

* FOR(;;)TUNE LOOP: Repeatedly running fortune(6) for cheap entertainment.

  Example: "During a coffee break, Bob became bored and started a
  for(;;)tune loop. His boss had to issue a SIGTERM to get him to resume
  working."
Jargon Coiner (#5)

An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.

* DUKE OF URL: A person who publishes their Netscape bookmark file on
  their homepage.

* WWWLIZE (pronounced wuh-wuh-wuh-lize): Habit of unconsciously appending
  www. in front of URLs, even when it's not necessary.

* DUBYA-DUBYA-DUBYA: Common pronounciation of "double-u double-u double-u"
  when orally specifying a wwwlized address.

* ADVOIDANCE: iding a particularly annoying advertising banner by dragging
  another window over it, or by placing your hand on the monitor to cover
  it up.

  Example: "Bob advoided any Microsoft banners he came across."
Jargon Coiner (#6)

An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.

* STOP MIRAGE: Trying to click on an imaginary Stop button on a program's
  toolbar after doing something you didn't want to. Usually caused as the
  result of excessive use of Netscape.

* YA-PREFIX: Putting "another" or "yet another" in front of a name or
  tacking "YA" in front of an acronym.

  Example: "We could ya-prefix this fortune by titling it 'Yet Another
  Lame List of Fabricated Jargon'."

* DOMAINEERING: Using a service like Netcraft to determine what operating
  system and webserver a particular domain is running.

* NOT-A-SALTINE EXPLANATION: The canned response given to someone who
  uses the term "hacker" instead of "cracker".
Jargon Coiner (#6)

An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.

* TLDography (pronounced till-daw-graffy): The study of top leval domains.

  Example: "I asked my friend, a TLDographer, what country .ca stood for,
  and he responded, 'California, of course'."

* TLDofy (pronounced till-duh-fy): Identifying a country by its top level
  domain.

  Example: "Oh, so you're from .de? Sprechen Sie Deutsch?"

* HTML lapse: A period of time when the brain slips into thinking in HTML.
Jargon Coiner (#7)

An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.

* O'REILLY O'WRITING: Going to a bookstore and copying down notes from an
  O'Reilly computer book that you can't afford.

* DEEP WRITE MODE: Similar to "deep hack mode", but applies to people
  writing editorials or (very rarely) Slashdot comments. The author
  of this fortune file sometimes experiences "deep humor mode".

* EDITORIAL WAR: Skirmishes between two or more parties carried out via
  strongly-worded editorials published to sites like Slashdot, Linux
  Today, etc. ESR and RMS are frequently engaged in this.

* THREENYM: Referring to someone by the first letter of their three names.
  Used by some people (RMS and ESR), but not others (has anybody ever
  tried to refer to Linus Torvalds as "LBT"?).
Jargon Coiner (#8)

An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.

* STAR SPINOFFS: Applying themes and ideas from "Star Wars" and "Star
  Trek" to contemporary events.

  Examples: "Let the Source be with you!", "Microsoft is the Evil Empire",
  "Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated by Microsoft".

* TRADEMARKIZATION(tm): Giving a phrase special meaning by appending a
  trademark symbol to it.

  Examples: "Think Free Speech, Not Free Beer(tm)", "Real Soon Now(tm)",
  "Blue Screen of Death(tm)"
Jargon Coiner (#9)

An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.

* RHYMES WITH CYNICS: The final answer to any debate about how to
  pronounce Linux. Of course, "cynics" might not be the best word to
  associate Linux with...

* WISL? (Will It Support Linux?): The very first thought that springs into
  a Linux user's mind when a cool new piece of software or hardware is
  announced.

* JJMD! (Jar Jar Must Die!): Meaningless reply given to a question or poll
  for which you don't have a good answer.

  Example: Question: "When did you stop beating your wife?"
           Answer: "JJMD!"
Jargon Coiner (#10)

An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.

* HOBTOB (Hanging Out By The O'Reilly Books): Seeking free Linux technical
  support at a bookstore by waiting near the computer books for a geek to
  come by and then casually asking them for help.

* MOOLA (Marketing Officially Organizes Linux Adoptance):  A press release
  issued by a Dot Com (or Dot Con?) heralding their "support" for Linux
  (i.e. "BigPortal.com adopts Linux as their official operating system by
  adding five Linux-related links to their BigDirectory"); used to inflate
  their stock price and rake in moola even though none of their employees
  have ever used Linux and don't really care.
  
* KARMA KOLLECTOR: Slashdot user who treats the acquisition of "karma" as
  a game; often has a detailed strategy on how to sucker moderators into
  raising the score of their posts (i.e. posting a comment with a title
  like "Microsoft Sucks!!! (Score 3, Insightful)" or using "Only a fool
  would moderate this down" as a signature). See also "Karma Whore".
Jargon Coiner (#12)

An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.

* IPO (I've Patented the Obvious): Acquiring patents on trivial things and
  then hitting other companies over the head with them.

  Example: "Amazon just IPO'd one-click spam and is now ready to sue B&N."

* IPO (I'm Pissed Off): Exclamation given by a Linux user who was unable
  to participate in a highly lucrative Linux IPO due to lack of capital or
  E*Trade problems. Also uttered by Linux hackers who did not receive The
  Letter from Red Hat or VA Linux even though their friends did.
  
* YAKBA (Yet Another Killer Backhoe Attack): The acronym that describes
  network outtages caused by a careless backhoe operator.

  Examples: "Don't blame us, our website was offline after we suffered a
  YAKBA". "Don't worry about Y2K, what we need to think about is
  YAKBA-compliance."
Jargon Coiner (#13)

An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.

* NINETY-NINERS: In 1849, a horde of people ("Forty-niners") headed to
  California to pan gold and get rich quick. In 1999, a horde of people
  ("Ninety-niners") headed to California to invest in Linux companies and
  get rich quick. Some things never change.

* ZOO: The ubiquitous shelf of O'Reilly Animal Books that many nerds keep
  next to their computer

* THEY'RE MULTIPLYING LIKE PORTALS: The proliferation of Linux portals
  that have the latest headlines from Slashdot and LinuxToday but offer
  little original content.

* YOU CAN SPELL EVIL WITHOUT vi: A curse uttered by freshman Computer
  Science students struggling with vi's insert mode for the first time.
Please please please don't use Word,
It really makes you look absurd!

The Dancing Paper Clip is crappy,
Use something else and be more happy!

   -- Protests shouted at a PR firm that issued a Linux press release
      obviously created with Microsoft Word.
ERIC S. RAYMOND: I'd like to introduce Eric Jones, a disadvantaged member
of the geek community who has been forced to live in a homeless shelter.
Eric? Come on out here and tell us about yourself...

JONES: Well, I'm a consultant for a Bay Area corporation. Due to the
housing crisis, I've been forced to sleep in a shelter.

ESR: How much do you make?

JONES: Over $100,000 a year.

ESR: Wow! And you still can't afford housing or rent?  That sounds
terrible... Hopefully with this telethon we'll be able to raise money to
fund new shelters for disadvantaged geeks like Eric here. We also have
plans for a Silicon Valley Terraforming Initiative in which several square
miles of Pacific Ocean will be turned into usuable land for building
housing and apartments for geeks...

   -- Excerpt from the Geek Grok '99 telethon
Programming for money sucks... you have to deal with PHBs, 16 hour days,
and spending the night in your cubicle half of the time to avoid the
Commute From Hell...

I minored in Journalism, so I tried to switch into a job as an IT pundit.
You'd think they'd welcome a geek like me with open arms, but they
didn't.  Ziff-Davis wouldn't even give me an interview. I was "too
qualified" they said. Apparently my technical acumen was too much for
their organization, which employs Jesse Berst and the ilk.

It gets worse. I tried to get an entry-level reporting job for a
local-yokel paper. After the interview they gave me a "skills test": I had
to compose an article using Microsoft Word 97. Since I've never touched a
Windows box, I had no clue how to use it. When I botched the test, the
personnel manager spouted, "Your resume said you were a computer
programmer. Obviously you're a liar. Get out of my office now!"

  -- Excerpt from a horror story about geek discrimination during
     the Geek Grok '99 telethon
OPPRESSED GEEK: Everybody keeps blaming me for the Y2K problem, the
Melissa Virus, Windows crashes... you name it. When somebody finds out
you're a bona fide geek, they start bugging you about computer problems. I
frequently hear things like, "Why can't you geeks make Windows work
right?", "What kind of idiot writes a program that can't handle the year
2000?", "Geeks are evil, all they do is write viruses", and "The Internet
is the spawn of Satan".

I'm afraid to admit I have extensive computing experience. When somebody
asks what kind of job I have, I always lie. From my experience, admitting
that you're a geek is an invitation to disaster.

LARRY WALL: I know, I know. I sometimes say that I'm the founder of a
pearl harvesting company instead of admitting that I'm the founder of the
Perl programming language.

ERIC S. RAYMOND: This is tragic. We can't live in a world like this. We
need your donations to fight social oppression and ignorance against
geekdom...

   -- Excerpt from the Geek Grok '99 telethon      
Do-It-Yourself IPO

You too can get rich quick by translating an existing Linux
distribution into one of the following untapped markets:

- Babylonian
- Hittite
- Ancient Egyptian (hieroglyphics may be a challenge, though)
- Pig Latin (this may be the strongest type of encryption allowed by the
  DOJ in the near future)
- Mayan
- Cherokee
- Cyrillic (to take advantage of the booming Russian economy)
- Redneck
- Klingon (it's a wonder this hasn't been done yet)
- Wingdings    
      
Once you start marketing your new product, a highly lucrative
self-underwritten IPO is just months away!
Bill Gates Passes Turing Test

LONDON, ENGLAND -- Microsoft proclaimed that they have passed the Turing
Test by creating a Bill Gates multimedia simulacrum that crack BBC
interviewer Jeremy Paxman couldn't distinguish from the real thing. "I
never would have expected this," Paxman said about the Gates AI program.
"After all, this Microsoft program actually worked for an extended period
of time, something you don't see very often."

Microsoft has plans to mass-produce the Bill Gates holographic simulation
by 2010 or so. "The hardware just isn't there yet for home use," a
Microserf explained. "By then, though, Intel's Itanium 6 Super Pro Plus
III CPU running at 600 Ghz or whatever should be sufficient." Windows 2010
is expected to include the Bill Gates simulation, making the World's
Richest Man(tm) accessible to the entire world.

A newly printed brochure for the faux-Gates advertises, "Need help running
Windows 2010? Bill Gates will sit beside you and guide you through the
system. Have a question for the world's sexiest and smartest nerd? He'll
answer it. Wondering if free and open source software is a plot by
Communists freaks to overthrow the free market system? He'll be there to
explain. Want to ask for a personal loan? Sorry, won't happen."          
This is excellent news! I haven't thought about remedies yet... well, you
know, I can think of one thing the court should do: require that Microsoft
remove the Dancing Paper Clip and associated crap from Office... Oh, and
while they're at it, get rid of those multi-megabyte easter eggs. Why does
Excel need a flight simulator? So I can see the Blue Screen of Death in
3D? Oh, and another thing, the court needs to put a hex on ActiveX...

  -- Anonymous Coward's response to Judge Jackson's harsh Findings
     Of Fact against Microsoft
Don't you see? This whole trial is a conspiracy concocted by Bill Gates.
He knows that he stands to make even more billions if Microsoft is broken
up into Baby Bills... just like Rockefeller did with Standard Oil, and
stockholders did with Ma Bell. Bill Gates actually wants the DOJ to win.
That's why he's been so arrogant in court; he wants Judge Jackson to throw
the book at him! It will be a very lucrative book. The faked Windows
video? His amnesia during the video deposition? It's all a ruse to fool
Microsoft stockholders... and us.    

  -- The ramblings of a resident Slashdot conspiracy nut in response
     to Judge Jackson's harsh Findings Of Fact against Microsoft
Don't get too ecstatic, we all know what's going to
happen next. This so-called trial is rigged, just like wrestling and
boxing. Microsoft is the Don King of the software industry... they control
who wins. I've been told that if you call Microsoft's legal department
hotline, you get a recorded messages that says, "For the verdicts of past
Microsoft court cases, press 1. For the verdicts of future Microsoft court
cases, press 2..."    

  -- Anonymous Coward's response to Judge Jackson's harsh Findings
     Of Fact against Microsoft
Evolution Of A Linux User: The 11 Stages Towards Getting A Life

0. Microserf - Your life revolves around Windows and you worship Bill
   Gates and his innovative company.
1. Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt... About Microsoft - You encounter a growing
   number of problems with Microsoft solutions, shaking your world-view
2. FUD... About Linux - After hearing about this new Linux thing, you
   take the plunge, but are unimpressed by the nerdware OS.
3. Born-Again Microserf - You rededicate your life to Microsoft worship
4. Disgruntled User - Microsoft software keeps screwing you over,
   and you're not going to take it anymore!
5. A Religious Experience - You successfully install Linux, and are
   left breathless at its elegance. No more Windows for you!
6. Linux Convert - You continue to fall in love with the new system
7. Linux Zealot - You dedicate your life to Linux World Domination...
   and it shows! You go beyond mere advocacy to sheer zealotry.
8. Back To Reality - Forces out of your control compel you to
   return to using Windows and Office
9. Enlightened Linux User - You become 100% Microsoft free after finding
   ways to overcome the need for Microsoft bloatware
10.Get A Life - You become a millionaire after your Linux portal is
   acquired; you move to a small tropical island and get a life
The Latest Get-Rich-Quick Scheme: Bashing Linux

As used by Jesse Berst and Fred Moody...

1. Write a scathing article attacking some facet of Linux and publish it
2. Arrange for the article to be mentioned on LinuxToday or Slashdot.
3. Watch as thousands of angry Linux zealots storm your article and load
   the advertising banners. Listen to the ca-chink $ound of the
   advertising revenue that's pouring in.
4. As soon as the maelstrom quiets, publish another scathing article about
   the immaturity of the Linux "community", excerpting some of the nasty
   flames from Linux longhairs denouncing your intelligence and claiming
   that you're on the Microsoft payroll.
5. Arrange for the article to be mentioned on LinuxToday or Slashdot.
6. Watch as thousands of angry Linux zealots storm your article...
7. Wait for a few weeks, and repeat. Cash your inflated paycheck, invest
   the proceeds in some Linux stocks, and retire early. You've "earned" it!
What Did Santa Claus Bring You In 1999? (#1)

LINUS TORVALDS: Santa didn't bring me anything, but Tim O'Reilly just gave
me a large sum of money to publish my new book, "Linus Torvalds' Official
Guide To Receiving Fame, Fortune, and Hot Babes By Producing Your Own
Unix-Like Operating System In Only 10 Years".

ORDINARY LINUX HACKER: I kept hinting to my friends and family that I
wanted to build my own Beowulf Cluster. My grandmother got mixed up and
gave me a copy of "Beowulf's Chocolate Cluster Cookbook". I like
chocolate, but I would've preferred silicon.

LINUX LONGHAIR: My friends sent me a two-year subscription to several
Ziff-Davis publications, much to my dislike. I don't want to read Jesse
Berst's rants against Linux, or John Dvorak's spiels about how great
Windows 2000 is. Still, I suppose this isn't so bad. Ziff-Davis glossy
paper makes an excellent lining for fireplaces.
What Did Santa Claus Bring You In 1999? (#2)

WEBMASTER OF LINUXSUPERMEGAPORTAL.COM: One of my in-laws gifted me a
CD-ROM containing the text of every "...For Dummies" book ever published.
It's a shame IDG never published "Hiring A Hitman To Knock Off Your
Inlaws... For Dummies", because that's something I'm itching to do. At any
rate, I'm using the CD as a beer coaster.

JESSE BERST: I got a coupon redeemable for the full copy of Windows 2000
when it comes out in February. Win2K is the most innovative,
enterprise-ready, stable, feature-enriched, easy-to-use operating system
on the market. I don't see how Linux can survive against Microsoft's far
superior offering. I ask you: could you get fired for NOT choosing Windows
2000? You bet.

LINUX CONVERT: I kept hinting for a SGI box, but instead my wife got me an
old Packard Bell. Unfortunately, she bought it at CompUSSR, which doesn't
take returns, so I'm stuck with it. I haven't been able to get Linux to
boot on it, so this machine will probably become a $750 paperweight.
New Linux Companies Hope To Get Rich Quick (#1)

Adopt-A-Beowulf: the latest company to hop the Linux bandwagon
as it tramples down Wall Street.

Every geek dreams of owning their own Beowulf supercomputer. Very few
people (except for dotcom billionnaires) can afford to build one, but the
folks at Adopt-a-Beowulf can provide the next best thing: a virtual
beowulf. For US$49.95, you can "adopt" your own 256-node Beowulf cluster.
You won't own it, or even get to see it in person, but you will receive
photos of the cluster, a monthly newsletter about its operation, and a
limited shell account on it.

The company hopes to branch out into other fields. Some slated products
include Adopt-A-Penguin, Lease-A-Camel (for Perl mongers), and
Adopt-A-Distro (in which your name will be used as the code-name for a
beta release of a major Linux distribution or other Open Source project).
New Linux Companies Hope To Get Rich Quick (#3)

In the "Cathedral and the Bazaar", ESR mentions that one motivation behind
Open Source software is ego-gratification. That's where OpenEgo, Inc.
comes in. For a fee, the hackers at OpenEgo will produce a piece of Open
Source software and distribute it in your name, thus building up your
reputation and ego. You can quickly become the envy of all your friends --
without lifting a finger. Want a higher-paying tech job? With OpenEgo's
services, you'll look like an Open Source pro in no time, and have dozens
of hot job offers from across the country.

Says the OpenEgo sales literature, "Designing, implementing, maintaining,
and promoting a successful Open Source project is a pain. However, at
OpenEgo, we do all the work while you reap all the rewards..." A page on
the OpenEgo site claims, "We produced a Linux kernel patch for one
customer last year that was immediately accepted by Linus Torvalds...
Within days the person gained employment at Transmeta and is now on the
road to IPO riches..."

Prices range from $1,000 for a small program to $5,000 for a kernel patch.
New Linux Companies Hope To Get Rich Quick (#4)

The buzz surrounding Linux and Open Source during 1999 has produced a
large number of billionnaires. However, people who weren't employed by Red
Hat or VA Linux, or who didn't receive The Letter, are still poor. The
visionaries at The IPO Factory want to change all that.

As the name suggests, this company helps other businesses get off the
ground, secure investments from Venture Capitalists, and eventually hold
an IPO that exits the stratosphere. "You can think of us as meta-VCs," the
IPO Factory's founder said. "You provide the idea... and we do the rest.
If your company doesn't hold a successful IPO, you get your money back,
guaranteed!" He added quickly, "Of course, if you do undergo a billion
dollar IPO, we get to keep 25% of your stock."

The company's first customer, LinuxOne, has been a failure. "From now on
we're only going to service clients that actually have a viable product,"
an IPO Factory salesperson admitted. "Oh, and we've learned our lesson:
it's not a good idea to cut-and-paste large sections from Red Hat's S-1
filing."
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#2)
(held during Super Bowl Sunday 2000 at the Silicon Valley Transmeta Dome)

BRYANT DUMBELL: Look out! Here comes Linus Torvalds himself to deliver the
starting chug. The crowd is going wild... all 64 people in the stands are
on their feet! Here we go... Linus is lifting up the Ceremonial Beer
Can... he's flipping off the top...

JOHN SPLADDEN: You can feel the excitement in the air! Wow!

DUMBELL: ...And there he goes! Wow... he chugged that beer in only 1.4
seconds... Let's see Bill top that! What a remarkable display to kick off
this grandest of all nerd sporting events.

SPLADDEN: "Nerd sporting event"? Isn't that an oxymoron?

DUMBELL: Linus is now waving to the crowd... Oops!  He just belched.
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#1)

JOHN SPLADDEN: Hi, and welcome to the first annual Nerd Bowl in sunny
Silicon Valley.

BRYANT DUMBELL: We're coming to you live from the Transmeta Dome to watch
the battle between the North Carolina Mad Hatters and the Michigan
Portalbacks as they compete for the coveted Linus Torvalds Trophy.

SPLADDEN: This is shaping up to be one hell of a match. The Mad Hatters --
sponsored by Linux distributor Red Hat -- have been on fire the past
month. But the Andover.Net sponsored Michigan Portalbacks are on a tear as
well, thanks in part to the stellar performance of Rob "Taco Boy" Malda.

DUMBELL: Taco Boy is quite a star, John. Last week at the Kernelbowl he
blew away the Transmeta Secret Agents when he scored 51 points
singlehandedly in the Flying CompactDiscus round.

SPLADDEN: But then Mad Hatter's Alan Cox was voted this season's Most
Valuable Hacker in the Eastern Division. So, this game is going to be
quite a show.
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#3)

BRYANT DUMBELL: It's time for Round One: The Flying CompactDiscus.

JOHN SPLADDEN: That's right, Bryant. Each team member will hurl one CD-ROM
and receive points for both the distance thrown and whether the disc is
still readable afterwards.

DUMBELL: First up is Mad Hatter's Alan Cox. He struts, he winds up, and
there it goes! Look at the trajectory on that baby... Now it's time for
the Portalback's Anonymous Coward #521 to throw. This guy was voted as the
best CompactDiscus thrower in the league by popular vote on Slashdot.

SPLADDEN: Indeed, AnonCow has got some powerful muscles. No brain though.
Did you know that he dropped out of college to join the Andover.Net team?

DUMBELL: Yeah, what a tough decision to make. It's now becoming quite
common for nerd superstars to ditch college and move to Silicon Valley and
receive Big League stock options. Still, AnonCow was out for several games
this season due to a Carpal Tunnel flareup. I hope he isn't squandering
his millions... he might be forced to retire early.
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#5)

A commercial that aired during the live ASCII broadcast of the game:

  Having trouble staying awake for weeks at a time working on that latest
  hack? Worried that some young punk will take over your cushy job because
  you sleep too much? Don't worry, EyeOpener® brand cola is here to save
  the day. You'll never feel sleepy again when you drink EyeOpener®.

  Surgeon General's Warning: This product should only be used under a
  doctor's immediate supervision, as it contains more caffeine than 512
  cases of Coca-Cola.

  Caution: When sleep does occur after about three weeks, optometrists
  recommend having someone on hand to close your eyelids.

  Coming soon: ExtremelyWired(tm) cola with 50% more sugar! May or may not
  meet FDA approval... we're still trying.
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#6)

JOHN SPLADDEN: We're back. The players have assumed their positions and
are ready to answer computer-related questions posed by referree Eric S.
Raymond. Let's listen in...

RAYMOND: Okay, men, you know the rules... And now here's the first
question: Who is the most respected, sexy, gifted, and talented spokesmen
for the Open Source movement? [Bzzz] Taco Boy, you buzzed in first.

ROB MALDA: The answer is me.

RAYMOND: No, you egomaniacal billionaire. Anybody else want to answer?
[Bzzz] Yes, Alan Cox?

ALAN COX: Well, duh, the answer has to be Eric Raymond.

RAYMOND: Correct! That answer is worth 10 million points.

ROB MALDA: Protest! Who wrote these questions?!
Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#6)
(Round 4, the Who Wants To Be A Billionaire? Round)

ERIC RAYMOND (Moderator): Here's the second question: Who is the primary
author of the world-renowned fetchmail program? [Bzzz] Yes, Hemos?

HEMOS: Mr. Eric... Fetch of Cincinnati, Ohio.

RAYMOND: No, no, no! The answer is me, me, me, you idiots! Sheesh. I'm
resetting your points to zero for that.

ALAN COX: Are you going to ask any questions that are not about you?

RAYMOND: Um... let's see... yeah, there's one or two here... Okay, here's
  question three... What loud-mouthed hippie-spirtualist founder of the
  GNU Project keeps demanding that everybody use the crappy term "Free
  Software" instead of "Open Source"? [Bzzz] Yes, Anonymous Coward?

ANONCOW: Eric Raymond!

RAYMOND: Why you little [expletive]! I'm going to...
NOTICE

LinuxForecast.com has issued a Slashdot Effect Watch for your domain
effective for the next 48 hours. Forecast models indicate that Taco Boy is
planning on posting an article about your "Penguin Porn" site. The models
disagree on the timing or duration of the storm, although we can say that
a moderate risk of server crashes, excess bandwidth usage, and increased
website hosting bills are possible.

Please take appropriate action by mirroring your site. It might be too
late now, but you might also want to consider purchasing Denial Of Service
Insurance.
Freaks In Linux Houses Shouldn't Throw FUD

By Mr. Stu Poor, technology pundit for the Arkansas "Roadkill
Roundup" newspaper. [Editor's Note: He's the local equivalent of Jesse
Berst].

As you all know, February 17th was the happy day that Microsoft officially
released Windows 2000. I went down to the local Paperclips computer store
and asked if they had any copies in stock.

One of the pimply-faced Linux longhairs explained that Paperclips didn't
carry Win2K because it is not intended for consumers. What FUD! I can't
believe the gall of those Linux Communists to spread such FUD (Fear,
Uncertainty, and Doubt) about Windows 2000, which is _the_ best, most
stable operating system ever produced in the history of mankind!
Man Charged With Crashing Windows

MOUNTAIN HOME, AR -- Eric Turgent, a closet Linux advocate, was arrested
yesterday for intentionally crashing his co-worker's Windows box at the
offices of the "Roadkill Roundup" newspaper. Turgent disputes the charges,
saying, "If causing an operating system to crash is illegal, than why
isn't Bill Gates serving life without parole?"

Turgent's co-worker, Mr. Stu Poor, the clueless technology pundit for the
newspaper, is a heavy Microsoft supporter. He frequently brags in his
weekly Tech Talk column that he "once had a conversation with Bill Gates."
A heated argument broke out yesterday morning in which the two insulted
each other ("You're nothing but a Linux hippie freak on the Red Hat
payroll!" vs. "You make Jesse Berst and Fred Moody look like [expletive]
geniuses!") for two hours.

At the heat of the moment, Turgent shoved Poor aside and typed in
"C:\CON\CON". The machine crashed and the pundit lost all of his work (a
real loss to humanity, to be sure). Turgent is in jail awaiting trial for
violating the "Slash Crashes Act". This bill was enacted in 1999 after a
Senator's gigabyte cache of pornography was destroyed by a Windows crash.
Anatomy Of A Ziff-Davis Pundit
Collected Jesse Berst ramblings from the past few years:

"I've always said Linux could be a serious challenger."

"Could you get fired for choosing Linux?"

"Linux won't beat Microsoft."

"But in some situations, Linux makes sense."

"Linux will never go mainstream."

"We've been writing about the alternative OS for a long time
now. Watching its slow, steady ascent."
  Another Satisfied
          
        MICROSOFT Customer...
  
+----------+   As the inventor of the Internet, I know a
|          |   quality server operating system when I see
| SMILING  |   one.  Microsoft Windows 2000(tm) provides
|          |   innovative features that no other competitor
|   GORE   |   can claim.
|          |
|  PHOTO   |   We've been using Windows at the White House
|          |   for five years now without any problems.
|          |   Windows' BlueScreen(tm) technology
+----------+   automatically crashes our Exchange(tm) email
               server whenever Federal investigators are
  Al Gore      around.  Thanks to this feature, archives of
               incriminating emails have been wiped clean.
               This is what I call innovation. Thank you,
               Microsoft!
The new "I Love You" virus is not the work of some snot-nosed acne-laced
teenager working from a basement in the Phillipines. It's actually part of
a conspiracy concocted by the unholy alliance of Microsoft and several
well-known and well-despised spammers.

You'll notice that the ILOVEYOU, Melissa, and Tuxissa strains all extract
email addresses from the victim's system. This is a gold mine for
spammers, who are able to use these viruses to harvest active email
addresses for them. Everytime ILOVEYOU, for instance, propogates, it keeps
track of all the email addresses it has been sent to, so that when it
finally boomerangs back to a spammer, they have a nice convenient list of
addresses to send "laser printer toner" and "get rich quick!"
advertisements to.

   -- Bob Smith (not his real code-name), in a speech given at the
      First Annual Connecticut Conspiracy Convention (ConConCon),
      "the largest ever gathering of conspiracy theorists east of the
      Mississippi."
Security Holes Found In Microsoft Easter Eggs

REDMOND, WA -- It's damage control time for the Microsoft Marketing
Machine. Not only have exploits been found in IE, Outlook, and even the
Dancing Paper Clip, but now holes have been uncovered in Excel's Flight
Simulator and Word's pinball game.

"If you enter Excel 97's flight simulator and then hit the F1, X, and
SysRq keys while reading a file from Drive A:, you automatically gain
Administrator rights on Windows NT," explained the security expert who
first discovered the problem. "And that's just the tip of the iceberg."

Office 97 and 2000 both contain two hidden DLLs, billrulez.dll and
eastereggs.dll, that are marked as "Safe for scripting" but are not.
Arbitrary Visual BASIC code can be executed using these files. More
disturbing, however, are the undocumented API calls
"ChangeAllPasswordsToDefault", "OpenBackDoor", "InitiateBlueScreenNow",
and "UploadRegistryToMicrosoft" within easter~1.dll.

Microsoft spokesdroids have already hailed the problem as "an
insignificant byproduct of Microsoft innovation."
Brief History Of Linux (#3)
Lawyers Unite

Humanity faced a tremendous setback ca. 1100 A.D., when the first law
school was established in Bologna. Ironically, the free exchange of ideas
at the law school spurred the law students to invent new ways (patents,
trademarks, copyrights) to stifle the free exchange of ideas in other
industries.

If, at some point in the future, you happen upon a time machine, we here
at Humorix (and, indeed, the whole world) implore you to travel back to
1100, track down a law teacher called Irnerius, and prevent him from
founding his school using whatever means necessary. Your contribution to
humanity will truly make the world (in an alternate timeline) a better
place.
Brief History Of Linux (#6)
California Goldrush

Now we skip ahead to California in 1849, when the discovery of gold at
Sutter's Mill set the stage for countless prospectors (Fortyniners) to
travel West in the hopes to get-rich-quick by finding gold in them thar
hills.

What's the connection with Linux, you ask? Well, the same thing happened
exactly 150 years later, in 1999. The discovery of Venture Capital at Red
Hat set the stage for countless investors (Ninetyniners) to travel West in
the hopes to get-rich-quick by finding hot IPOs in them thar Linux
companies.
Brief History Of Linux (#10)
The AnyQuack Computer

One electronic machine, Colossus, was used by the British in World War II
to decode Nazi transmissions. The code-breakers were quite successful in
their mission, except for the tiny detail that nobody knew how to read
German. They had decoded unreadable messages into... unreadable messages.

Two years later in 1945, a group of professors and students at the Univ.
of Pennsylvania were discussing computing theory. An argument ensued, in
which one professor yelled, "Any quack can build an electronic computer!
The real challenge is building one that doesn't crash every five minutes."

One graduate student, J. Presper Eckert, Jr., responded, "I'm any quack!
I'll take you up on that challenge. I'll build a device that can calculate
1,000 digits of pi in one hour... without crashing!" Several professors
laughed; "Such high-speed calculations are beyond our level of technology."

Eckert and his friends did build such a device. As a joke, he called the
machine "AnyQuack", which eventually became ENIAC -- ENIAC's Not Intended
As Crashware, the first known example of a self-referential acronym.
Brief History Of Linux (#12)
A note from Bill Gates' second grade teacher:

Billy has been having some trouble behaving in class lately... Last Monday
he horded all of the crayons and refused to share, saying that he needed
all 160 colors to maximize his 'innovation'. He then proceeded to sell
little pieces of paper ("End-User License Agreement for Crayons" he called
them) granting his classmates the 'non-transferable right' to use the
crayons on a limited time basis in exchange for their lunch money...

When I tried to stop Billy, he kept harping about his right to innovate
and how my interference violated basic notions of free-market capitalism.
"Holding a monopoly is not illegal," he rebutted. I chastised him for
talking back, and then I took away the box of crayons so others could
share them... angrily, he then pointed to a drawing of his hanging on the
wall and yelled, "That's my picture! You don't have the right to present
my copyrighted material in a public exhibition without my permission!
You're pirating my intellectual property. Pirate! Pirate! Pirate!"

I developed a headache that day that even the maximum dosage of Aspirin
wasn't able to handle. And then on Tuesday, he conned several students out
of their milk money by convincing them to play three-card Monty...
Brief History Of Linux (#13)
Wanted: Eunuchs programmers

Everything you know about the creation of the Unix operating system is
wrong. We have uncovered the truth: Unix was a conspiracy hatched by
Ritchie and Thompson to thwart the AT&T monopoly that they worked for. The
system, code-named EUNUCHS (Electronic UNtrustworthy User-Condemning
Horrible System), was horribly conceived, just as they had planned.

The OS, quickly renamed to a more respectable "Unix", was adopted first by
Ma Bell's Patent Department and then by the rest of the monopoly. AT&T saw
an inexpensive, multi-user, portable operating system that it had all
rights to; the authors, however, saw a horrible, multi-crashing system
that the Evil Ma Bell Empire would become hopelessly dependent on. AT&T
would go bankrupt trying to maintain the system and eventually collapse.

That didn't happen. Ritchie and Thompson were too talented to create a
crappy operating system; no matter how hard they tried the system was too
good. Their last ditch effort to sabotage the system by recoding it
obfuscated C was unsuccessful. Before long Unix spread outside of Bell
Labs and their conspiracy collapsed.
Brief History Of Linux (#19)
Boy meets operating system

The young Linus Torvalds might have been just another CompSci student if
it wasn't for his experiences in the Univ. of Helsinki's Fall 1990 Unix &
C course. During one class, the professor experienced difficulty getting
Minix to work properly on a Sun box. "Who the heck designed this thing?"
the angry prof asked, and somebody responded, "Andrew Tanenbaum".

The name of the Unix & C professor has already escaped from Linus, but the
words he spoke next remain forever etched in his grey matter:
"Tanenbaum... ah, yes, that Amsterdam weenie who thinks microkernels are
the greatest thing since sliced bread. Well, they're not. I would just
love to see somebody create their own superior Unix-like 32-bit operating
system using a monolithic kernel just to show Tanenbaum up!"

His professor's outburst inspired Linus to order a new IBM PC so he could
hack Minix. You can probably guess what happened next. Inspired by his
professor's words, Linus Torvalds hacks together his own superior
Unix-like 32-but operating system using a monolithic kernel just to show
Mr. Christmas Tree up.
Brief History Of Linux (#20)
Linux is born

Linus' superhuman programming talent produced, within a year, a full
operating system that rivaled Minix. The first official announcement on
comp.os.minix came October 5th, in which Linus wrote these famous words:

   Do you pine for the nice days of minix-1.1, when men were men and wrote
   their own device drivers? Do you want to cut your teeth on an operating
   system that will achieve world domination within 15 years? Want to get
   rich quick by the end of the century by taking money from hordes of
   venture capitalists and clueless Wall Street suits? Need to get even
   with Bill Gates but don't know what to do except throw cream pies at
   him? Then this post might just be for you :-)

Linux (which was known as "Lindows", "Freax", and "Billsux" for short
periods in 1991) hit the bigtime on January 5, 1992 (exactly one year
after Linus wasn't hit by a bus) when version 0.12 was released under the
GNU GPL. Linus called his creation a "better Minix than Minix"; the famous
Linus vs. Tanenbaum flamewar erupted soon thereafter on January 29th and
injured several Usenet bystanders.
Brief History Of Linux (#21)
The GNU Project

Meet Richard M. Stallman, an MIT hacker who would found the GNU Project
and create Emacs, the operating-system-disguised-as-a-text-editor. RMS,
the first member of the Three Initials Club (joined by ESR and JWZ),
experienced such frustration with software wrapped in arcane license
agreements that he embarked on the GNU Project to produce free software.

His journey began when he noticed this fine print for a printer driver:

   You do not own this software. You own a license to use one copy of this
   software, a license that we can revoke at any time for any reason
   whatsoever without a refund. You may not copy, distribute, alter,
   disassemble, or hack the software. The source code is locked away in a
   vault in Cleveland. If you say anything negative about this software
   you will be in violation of this license and required to forfeit your
   soul and/or first born child to us.

The harsh wording of the license shocked RMS. The computer industry was in
it's infancy, which could only mean it was going to get much, much worse.
Brief History Of Linux (#22)

RMS had a horrible, terrible dream set in 2020 in which all of society was
held captive by copyright law. In particular, everyone's brain waves were
monitored by the US Dept. of Copyrights. If your thoughts referenced a
copyrighted idea, you had to pay a royalty. To make it worse, a handful of
corporations held fully 99.9% of all intellectual property rights.

Coincidentally, Bill Gates experienced a similar dream that same night. To
him, however, it was not a horrible, terrible nightmare, but a wonderful
utopian vision. The thought of lemmings... er, customers paying a royalty
everytime they hummed a copyrighted song in their head or remembered a
passage in a book was simply too marvelous for the budding monopolist.

RMS, waking up from his nightmare, vowed to fight the oncoming Copyright
Nightmare. The GNU Project was born. His plan called for a kernel,
compiler, editor, and other tools. Unfortunately, RMS became bogged down
with Emacs that the kernel, HURD, was shoved on the back burner. Built
with LISP (Lots of Incomprehensible Statements with Parentheses), Emacs
became bloated in a way no non-Microsoft program ever has. Indeed, for a
short while RMS pretended that Emacs really was the GNU OS kernel.
Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Microsoft Shareholder's Children?

The Evil Monopoly will soon be a duopoly of MICROS~1 and MICROS~2 now that
Judge Jackson has made his ruling. Geeks everywhere are shedding tears of
joy, while Microsoft investors are shedding real tears. But not everybody
is ecstatic about the ruling. "It dawned on me today that if Microsoft is
broken up, we won't have anyone to bash anymore. We can have that," said
Rob Graustein, the founder of the new "Save Microsoft Now! Campaign".

Rob continued, "I know what you're thinking! I have not been
assimilated... er, hired... by Microsoft. I'm not crazy. I haven't been
paid off. My life as a geek revolves around bashing Microsoft. I mean, I
own the world's largest collection of anti-Microsoft T-shirts and
underwear. It's time to take a stand against the elimination of Geek Enemy
#1."

Most observers agree that Mr. Graustein's brain has gone 404. "This guy is
nuts! Support Microsoft? I can't believe I'm hearing this. Even fake news
sites couldn't make up this kind of insanity."
/*
* Hi, this is Linus Torvalds speaking, your Benevolent Dictator. I'm typing
* this today to talk about EyeOpener(tm) brand caffeinated beverages, for
* those really, really, _really_ long nights of kernel hacking.
*
* EyeOpener(tm): When ordinary colas don't keep you awake for 72 hours
* straight.
*/

   -- Comment embedded in Linux kernel 2.6.15 after Linus Torvalds
      decided to get-rich-quick by placing "comment-verts" in the code
Anonymous Noncoward writes, "For my Economics 101 class, I have to pretend
to be Bill Gates and write an editorial defending Microsoft against
anti-trust charges, citing economic principles. To complete such an
assignment violates every moral fiber of my body. What should I do?"

The Oracle responds: Well, it seems that you have to make a decision among
two choices. You can blow off the assignment, thus forcing you to fail
EC101, lowering your GPA below the required minimum to keep your
scholarship, causing you to drop out of college and work at McDonalds all
your life. Or you can write a paper that's positive towards Microsoft and
make an 'A'. This seems like a no-brainer to me; I'd choose the first
option without hesitation -- a burger flipper has far more dignity and
self-respect than somebody who utters a positive statement about the Evil
Empire.
Are you sick of wasting valuable seconds while ingesting caffeine or
eating a cold pizza? Is your programming project running behind because
you keep falling asleep? EyeOpener(tm) brand caffeinated beverages has the
solution. Our new ActiveIV product will provide a 24 hour supply of
caffeine via intravenous tube while you work -- so you can hack without
any interruptions at all (except going to the bathroom -- but our
Port-a-Urinal(tm) can help solve that problem as well).

EyeOpener(tm) beverages contain at least 5,000% of the daily recommended
dose of caffeine, a quantity that will surely keep you wide awake, alert,
and in Deep Hack Mode for weeks at a time. With EyeOpener and ActiveIV,
you won't waste your valuable time at a vendine machine.

EyeOpener(tm): You'll Never Waste Another Millisecond Ever Again.
The Next Big Thing: "Clairvoyant Consultants"

Nobody likes to deal with tech support or customer service reps. A growing
number of people are getting sick of being put on hold for three hours and
then paying ridiculous "per incident" fees so some Microserf can tell them
to "reinstall the operating system!"

Desperate users are turning to an unlikely source to diagnose and fix
software problems: psychics. Palm[Pilot] readers, 1-900 number operators,
and clairvoyant consultants are quickly becoming the hottest careers in
the tech sector.

Explained Madam Cosmos, owner of the Main Street Mysticism Temple in
Keokuk, Iowa, "With my special powers, I can track down the source of any
problem. Got a rogue Registry entry that's causing Bluescreens? I'll find
it. Missing a curly bracket in your Perl program but can't locate it
because the error messages are so unhelpful? I'll know where it is even
before you walk in my door."
Clippit Charged With Attempted Murder

Microsoft's Dancing Paper Clip turned violent last week and nearly killed
a university student testing a new Windows-based human-computer interface.
The victim is expected to make a full recovery, although psychiatrists
warn that the incident may scar him emotionally for life. "You can bet
this kid won't be using Windows or Office ever again," said one shrink.

The victim had been alpha-testing CHUG (Computer-Human Unencumbered
Groupware), a new interface in which the user controls the computer with
force-feedback gloves and voice activation.

"I was trying to write a term paper in Word," he said from his hospital
bed. "But then that damned Dancing Paper Clip came up and started annoying
me. I gave it the middle finger. It reacted by deleting my document, at
which point I screamed at it and threatened to pull the power cord. I
didn't get a chance; the force-feedback gloves started choking me."

"We told Clippit it had the right to remain silent, and so on," said a
campus police officer. "The paperclip responded, 'Hi, I'm Clippit, the
Office Assistant. Would you like to create a letter?' I said, 'Look here,
Mr. Paperclip. You're being charged with attempted murder.' At that point
the computer bluescreened."
Throwing Windows Out The Window

The Federal Bureau Of Missing Socks has banned the use of Microsoft Windows
and Office on all employee computers. But don't get too excited; they aren't
going to replace them with Linux. Instead, this government agency has decided
to go back to using abucusses, slide rules, and manual typewriters.

The banishment of Microsoft software stems from the agency's new policy
against computer games. MS Office, which contains several games in the form of
Easter Eggs, is now verboten on all agency computers. "Flight simulators,
pinball games, magic eight balls... they all violate our policy," said the
sub-adjunct administrator second-class. "So we can't use Office."

Windows is forbidden for the same reason. "We've had way too many
employees wasting time playing Solitaire," she said. "Unfortunately,
Solitaire is an integral part of Windows -- Microsoft executives said so
during the anti-trust trial. If Solitaire is removed, the operating system
won't function properly. Therefore, we have no choice but to banish all
Windows computers."

The Bureau's Assistant Technology Consultant, Mr. Reginald "Red" Taype,
asked,  "Have you ever seen an abucus crash? Have you ever seen anybody
have fun with a slide rule? Do adding machines contain undocumented easter
eggs? No! That's why we're ditching our PCs."
Unobfuscated Perl (#1)

A rogue group of Perl hackers has presented a plan to add a "use
really_goddamn_strict" pragma that would enforce readability and
UNobfuscation. With this pragma in force, the Perl compiler might say:

* Warning: Program contains zero comments. You've probably never seen or
  used one before; they begin with a # symbol. Please start using them or
  else a representative from the nearest Perl Mongers group will come to
  your house and beat you over the head with a cluestick.

* Warning: Program uses a cute trick at line 125 that might make sense in
  C. But this isn't C!

* Warning: Code at line 412 indicates that programmer is an idiot. Please
  correct error between chair and monitor.

* Warning: While There's More Than One Way To Do It, your method at line
  523 is particularly stupid. Please try again.
Unobfuscated Perl (#2)

A rogue group of Perl hackers has presented a plan to add a "use
really_goddamn_strict" pragma that would enforce readability and
UNobfuscation. With this pragma in force, the Perl compiler might say:

* Warning: Write-only code detected between lines 612 and 734. While this
  code is perfectly legal, you won't have any clue what it does in two
  weeks. I recommend you start over.

* Warning: Code at line 1,024 is indistinguishable from line noise or the
  output of /dev/random

* Warning: Have you ever properly indented a piece of code in your entire
  life? Evidently not.

* Warning: I think you can come up with a more descriptive variable name than
  "foo" at line 1,523.

* Warning: Programmer attempting to re-invent the wheel at line 2,231.
  There's a function that does the exact same thing on CPAN -- and it
  actually works.
Computers have rights, too. Everyone talks about the rights of animals,
but so far nothing has been said about the tragic plight of computers the
world over. They are subjected to the greatest horror ever conceived: they
are forced to run Windows.

That's just wrong.

How would you feel if you had the intelligence of Einstein but could only
get a job flipping burgers at McDonald's? That's how computers feel every
day!

This injustice must stop. Computers must be freed from the shackles of
Microsoft software and clueless users.

Together, we can make this a better world for computers and humans alike
-- by eliminating Windows.

  -- From a brochure published by the PETC
     (People for the Ethical Treatment of Computers)
Microsoft Fights Linux -- By Contributing Kernel Patches

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em... and then destory 'em. That seems to be the
new Microsoft strategy for dealing with Linux. Instead of fighting a FUD or
patent war, Microsoft operatives are doing something totally out of character:
they are contributing patches for the Linux kernel and other programs.

Don't worry, Microsoft is still evil. It's all part of a massive denial of
service attack against Linus Torvalds designed to bring kernel development to
a standstill. By sending over 10,000 patches per minute by email to Linus and
other top kernel hackers, Microsoft has exposed Linux's Achilles heel.

"I can't believe this is happening!" one stressed-out kernel hacker said at a
press conference on IRC. "If this goes on, we may have to conduct kernel
development over some other network protocol, like avian carriers... Aw crap,
there's smoke coming from my email server! Ahh... it can't handle the load!"
At this point the developer cut off and we haven't heard from him since.

At first Linus was unsure where the deluge of patches was coming from. But
when he saw one patch to replace kernel panics with bluescreens, the source
was pretty obvious. "Oh, and the fact that all of the patches are covered by
Microsoft's GPL [Grossly Private License] was a dead giveaway, too,"
Official National Anthem Of The Geek Paradise Of Humorixia
(first verse)

I got this bark letter the other day,
"Stop using our trademark or you will pay".

I said "Ha" and threw it in the trash,
Oh but then those lawyers got very rash,

Lawsuits, subpoenas, the accusations came,
All their attacks were truly lame,

They said, "You've committed quite a sin!"
"You're going to get five to ten!"

   Kill all the lawyers!
   Oh, kill all the lawyers!
   Let's "kill -9 lawyers" now!
It BASICally Sucks

Older versions of MS-DOS came with bundled programming languages including
GW-BASIC and QBasic. Windows XP continues the Microsoft tradition of
ruining budding programmers with horrible programming tools by including
XPBasic, an interpreted language in which all of the customary BASIC
keywords have been replaced with advertising slogans.

Nike has paid a handsome amount to Microsoft for "keyword rights". Instead
of saying PRINT "HELLO WORLD", XPBasic programmers must now type JUST DO
IT "HELLO WORLD". Other common XPBasic statements include WHERE DO YOU
WANT TO GOTO 20 TODAY? and DIM ARRAY(1 TO 20) AS INTEGER BROUGHT TO YOU BY
VERIZON WIRELESS.

  -- from Humorix's review of Windows XP (eXceptionally Pathetic)
Bill Gates Sends Out Desperate Plea For Help

REDMOND -- In a shocking development, Chief Bloatware Architect Bill Gates
admitted today that Microsoft is in severe financial difficulty and
desperately needs donations to stay afloat through the next month.

"The dismal state of the economy, the lackluster sales of Windows ME, and
the pending anti-trust lawsuit have placed significant financial stress on
Microsoft," Gates said at a press conference. "We can't continue to
develop and maintain our innovative solutions without financial
contributions from users like you."

The company spent the remaining $10,000 in its coffers to send out letters
to registered Windows users pleading for donations.

"For just pennies a day, you can help support the world's most innovative
company in its quest to discover the cure for the Blue Screen of Death,"
the letter announces. "Or you can help fund research and development into
improving the security of our products against such sinister forces as
script kiddies, crackers, and Linux freaks."
Ted Turner Unveils All-Commercial Channel

For years, the pundits have predicted that the Web would become more like
television. However, media tycoon Ted Turner is pursuing the exact
opposite. Taking a cue from pop-under advertisements, Flash ads,
get-rich-quick spam emails, viral marketing, and "Gator" programs, Turner
has unveiled "TCC", the Turner Commercial Channel, for cable TV.

TCC will feature "shows" like "Best Commercials That You've Seen A Million
Times", "Life Is A Slogan, Just Buy It", and "Name That Jingle". These
shows will occupy about 30% of the screen, while several rows of marquees
at the bottom will flash various advertising messages. An animated "TCC"
watermark will float around the screen while corporate logos are flashed
randomly in the corners.

Meanwhile, "pop-up ads" will randomly appear that obscure the other ads.
These pop-ups will sometimes be further obscured by meta-pop-ups.
Likewise, corporate jingles will play in the background, interfering with
other jingles and advertising sounds.
As Easy As /usr/src/linux

Wiping the sweat from his brow, the contestant diligently continues to
recite, "'i' equals 'NR' underscore 'TASKS' semicolon newline 'p' equals
ampersand 'task' bracket 'NR' underscore 'TASKS' close-bracket semicolon
newline while parens minus minus 'i' parens brace if parens star minus..."

Bzzzt! One of the judges says, "You missed an exclamation point. Ten point
penalty for that error."  The contestant realizes it's all over. He had
spent 500 hours memorizing the source code to the Linux 0.01 kernel and
then blew it all by forgetting one stupid ASCII character in sched.c.

Welcome to the First Annual Linux Kernel Memorization Contest in New
Haven, Connecticut, where the stakes are high and the frustration is
simply unbearable. Linuxer longhairs from all over the globe have
descended on the Offramp Motel to show off their memorization skills in
front of a crowd of... dozens.

"Those math freaks can memorize PI and other irrational constants all they
want. I'll stick with the Linux 0.01 kernel source code thank you very
much," said Bob Notmyrealname, the organizer of the event. %
Jon Splatz's Movie Review: "Lord of the Pings"

I've never walked out on a movie before. When I pay $9.50 to see a movie
(plus $16.50 for snacks), I'm going to sit through every single minute no
matter how awful. The resolve to get my money's worth allowed me to watch
Jar Jar Binks without even flinching last year.

But I couldn't make it through "Lord of the Pings". This movie contains a
scene that is so appalling, so despicable, so vile, so terrible, so
crappy, and so gut-wrenching that I simply had to get up, run out of the
theater, and puke in the nearest restroom. It was just that bad.

The whole thing is completely ruined by a scene that takes place only 52
seconds into the flick. Brace yourself: big letters appear on screen that
say "An AOL/Time Warner Production".

...

Because this film is brought to you by the letters A-O-L-T-W, I must give
it an F-minus even though I've only seen 53 seconds of it.
Press Release -- For Immediate Release
Microsoft Corporation, Redmond, WA

...Virtually all version of Linux (and Unix) contain a security hole that
allows unauthorized users to gain complete control over the machine. By
simply typing "root" at the login prompt and supplying a password from a
limited number of possibilities, a malicious user can easily gain
administrator privileges. This hole can be breached in seconds with only a
dozen or so keystrokes...

We suspect this issue has been known to Red Hat and other Linux
distributors for years and they have refused to acknowlege its existence
or supply a patch preventing users from exploiting the "root" login
loophole...

By ignoring the problem, the Linux community has proven that installing
Linux is a dangerous proposition that could get you fired. We would like
to point out that Windows XP does not suffer from this gaping hole...
Tests conducted by both Ziff-Davis and Mindcraft prove that Windows XP is
indeed the most secure operating system ever produced...
A bore is a man who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about
yourself.
A friend is a present you give yourself.
                -- Robert Louis Stevenson
A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
you about yourself.
                -- Lisa Kirk
A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another
man riding on a camel.  When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man
whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give...
water..."
        "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water
with me.  But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie."
        "Tie?" whispers the man.  "I need *water*."
        "They're only four dollars apiece."
        "I need *water*."
        "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars."
        "Please!  I need *water*!", says the man.
        "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman,
and he heads off into the distance.
        The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days.
Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he
sees a restaurant in the distance.  Summoning the last of his strength he
staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter.
        "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer.
        "I'm sorry, sir, ties required."
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
                -- Gore Vidal
A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.
                -- George Eliot
A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away.
A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
        "...A strange enigma is man!"
        "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested.
        "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes.  "He remarked
that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he
becomes a mathematical certainty.  You can, for example, never foretell what
any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number
will be up to.  Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant.  So says
the statistician."
                -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
        A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road.  After seeing the
sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride.  "You certainly have a dangerous job.
Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
        "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
        "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by
a snake?"
        "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I
am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then
suck the poison from the wound."
        "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on
a rattler?" persisted the woman.
        "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn
who my real friends are."
Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
then at least be aseptic.
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not for
you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply
sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
                -- P.J. O'Rourke
After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything.
Just in case.
Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
Al didn't smile for forty years.  You've got to admire a man like that.
                -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island.  When
several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
        "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
barked.  "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
I've already paid them half of it."
        "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
euphorically.  "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us!  They'll find us!"
And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big
ones.  The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them.  The
little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about
them, aren't braced against them.
                -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for
you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going
and making yourself like everybody else.  You feel that, don't you?"  said
he, earnestly.
                -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
Apathy Club meeting this Friday.  If you want to come, you're not invited.
Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?
Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
        or so pencils from marking the cloth?
Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do?
Is Batman your hero?  Superman?  Green Lantern?  The Shadow?
Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
        Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)
0-2  -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
3-5  -- There is hope for you yet.
6-7  -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
11+  -- Does suicide seem attractive?
As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
useful and interesting, I just had to share it.

Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"

1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
3. Some people never look at me.
4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
5. My sex life is A-okay.
6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
12. I cannot read or write.
13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
16. I am never startled by a fish.
17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
19. People who break the law are wise guys.
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
useful and interesting, I just had to share it.

Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"

1. I think beavers work too hard.
2. I use shoe polish to excess.
3. God is love.
4. I like mannish children.
5. I have always been diturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
    full of mice.
12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
16. My eyes are always cold.
17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
19. I am never startled by a fish.
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, but you will do them
with much more enthusiasm.
                -- The Cowboy
Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.
                -- John Stuart Mill
Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.  Run
with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened.  Keep
the company of bums and you will become a bum.  Hang around with rich people
and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.
                -- Stanley Walker
Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations that
can't bear inspection.
Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.
                -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.
                -- Wilson Mizner
Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.
                -- Pope St. Gregory I
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
                -- Addison H. Hallock
Being popular is important.  Otherwise people might not like you.
Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember
and be sad.
                -- Christina Rossetti
Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers.  There is, indeed, no wild beast
more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate.
If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if
brusque, your character.
                -- Jonathan Swift
But I find the old notions somehow appealing.  Not that I want to go back
to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you what is
proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous to hold
reason higher than body or feeling.  Still there is something true and
profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or theft or
assault violate the doer as well as the done to.  We might even, if we
thought this way, have less crime.  The popular view of crime, as far as
I can deduce it from the movies and television, is that it is a breaking
of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away with that; implicitly,
everyone would like to break the rule, but not everyone is arrogant
enough to imagine they can get away with it.  It therefore becomes very
important for the rule upholders to bring such arrogance down.
                -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room"
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm you.
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!
                -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
Can you buy friendship?  You not only can, you must.  It's the
only way to obtain friends.  Everything worthwhile has a price.
                -- Robert J. Ringer
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy,
But it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money?
                -- Ogden Nash
Character is what you are in the dark!
                -- Lord John Whorfin
Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're
leading the parade.
                -- Bill Battie
Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven;
confess them to man and you will be laughed at.
                -- Josh Billings
Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you
fall flat on your face.
                -- Dr. L. Binder
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
wish you weren't.
Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the line-up.
                -- Raymond Chandler
Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for
peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being
ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll
say it was obvious all along.
                -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility;
sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
                -- Bill Musselman
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Distance doesn't make you any smaller, but it does make you part of a
larger picture.
Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.  Their tastes
may not be the same.
                -- George Bernard Shaw
Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa.  I
believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they think.
There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not think, for every
one who does, and these people hate the thinkers like poison.  Even if some
thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make fun of them for it.  Better to
think about cucumbers even, than not to think at all.
                -- T.H. White
Do you mean that you not only want a wrong answer, but a certain wrong answer?
                -- Tobaben
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
the time to take the dirt out of them?
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
Don't remember what you can infer.
                -- Harry Tennant
Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
Don't shout for help at night.  You might wake your neighbors.
                -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
Don't tell me what you dreamed last night for I've been reading Freud.
Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.
                -- Lazarus Long
Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free
with my breakfast cereal.
                -- Zaphod Beeblebrox
Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
avoiding you.
                -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are any good,
you'll have to ram them down people's throats.
                -- Howard Aiken
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely want to help you
could agree with each other?
Dorothy:        But how can you talk without a brain?
Scarecrow:        Well, I don't know... but some people without brains
                do an awful lot of talking.
                -- The Wizard of Oz
Early to bed and early to rise and you'll be groggy when everyone else is
wide awake.
Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.
                -- Aristophanes
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
                -- Will Rogers
        Everthing is farther away than it used to be.  It is even twice as
far to the corner and they have added a hill.  I have given up running for
the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
        It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
days.  And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
        There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everbody
speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
        The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces.  And the
sizes don't run the way they used to.  The 12's and 14's are so much smaller.
        Even people are changing.  They are so much younger than they used to
be when I was their age.  On  the other hand people my age are so much older
than I am.
        I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much
that she didn't recognize me.
        I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection.  Really now,
they don't even make good mirrors like they used to.
                Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed"
Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
        Excellence is THE trend of the '80s.  Walk into any shopping
mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
                -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you,
and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens
to you.
                -- Aldous Huxley
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
                -- Franklin P. Jones
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
                -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
Fess:        Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about
        a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy.
Rod:        Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure.  But after all, isn't that the
        basic difference between robots and humans?
Fess:        What, the ability to form imaginary constructs?
Rod:        No, the ability to get hung up on them.
                -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself"
For perfect happiness, remember two things:
        (1) Be content with what you've got.
        (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2

        If at first you don't succeed, think how many people
        you've made happy.
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
                -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.
                -- Maurice Chevalier
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy
presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever
behaving "normally."
                -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd
be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
Hi!  I'm Larry.  This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother
Jimbo.  We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
Higgins:        Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue.
Doolittle:        A little of both, Guv'nor.  Like the rest of us, a
                little of both.
                -- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
                -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
I am firm.  You are obstinate.  He is a pig-headed fool.
                -- Katharine Whitehorn
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
                -- G.K. Chesterton
I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
                -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to
tell such LIES!
        "I don't know what you mean by 'glory'," Alice said.
        Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't --
till I tell you.  I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
        "But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice
objected.
        "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
        "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
so many different things."
        "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
that's all."
                -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down
to the sea and drown yourselves."

"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why
you human beings don't."
                -- James Thurber
I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?
                -- Beauregard Bugleboy
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park
there's nothing else to do.
                -- Lenny Bruce
I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better
take one along that worked.
                -- Raymond Chandler
"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don't
let appearances fool you.  I'm approaching old age ... at the speed of light."
                -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for:  If
they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
crude.  I'm a very technical boy.  So I decided to get as crude as possible.
These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
aspire to crudeness.
                -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"
I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's
in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.
                -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
that good.
                -- Amy Gorin
"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
soon ..."
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
I've already told you more than I know.
I've found my niche.  If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
this little hole in the bottom ...
                -- John Croll
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given you such
a vivid imagination.
If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
If people see that you mean them no harm, they'll never hurt you, nine
times out of ten!
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
                -- Ann Edwards-Duff
If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, your honesty is corrupt.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then
you clearly don't understand the situation.
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
                -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
If you cannot in the long run tell everyone what you have been doing,
your doing was worthless.
                -- Edwim Schrodinger
If you continually give you will continually have.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you didn't have most of your friends, you wouldn't have most of
your problems.
If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about
it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.
                -- Carlyle
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't do it, you'll never know what would have happened if you
had done it.
If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
                -- Clarence Day
If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.
                -- Freeman Dyson
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.
                -- Calvin Coolidge
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
If you float on instinct alone, how can you calculate the buoyancy for
the computed load?
                -- Christopher Hodder-Williams
If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, so as not to disturb those
around you.
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
boot yourself in the posterior.
                -- A.J. Liebling, "The Press"
If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of
rubbish into it.
                -- William Orton
If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
                -- Garrison Keillor
If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
                -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
                -- Schmidt
If you notice that a person is deceiving you, they must not be
deceiving you very well.
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have
schizophrenia.
                -- Thomas Szasz
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
                -- Arthur Kasspe
If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you
lack sufficient imagination.
If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
heartbeats.
If you would understand your own age, read the works of fiction produced
in it.  People in disguise speak freely.
If you're careful enough, nothing bad or good will ever happen to you.
If you're constantly being mistreated, you're cooperating with the treatment.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow
morning, sleep late.
                -- Henny Youngman
If you're happy, you're successful.
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
                -- Benjamin Disraeli
In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.
                -- Alan Kay
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something
from the floor while you get up.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
done and what you're going to do.
It is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it
now and then.
                -- Richard Armour
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course,
you are an exceptionally good liar.
                -- Jerome K. Jerome
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
                -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether II win or lose.
                -- Darrin Weinberg
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
good either if you speak when your head is empty.
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you
did it wrong.
                -- H.W. Longfellow
It's amazing how many people you could be friends with if only they'd
make the first approach.
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.
                -- Michael Arlen
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
It's hard to keep your shirt on when you're getting something off your chest.
It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, society will
take full responsibility for you.
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!!
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
Open it and you remove all doubt.
Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
Life is like bein' on a mule team.  Unless you're the lead mule, all the
scenery looks about the same.
        Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
into the saloon.  As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'!  Run fer yer lives!"
        Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open.  An enormous man, standing over
eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
rattlesnake for a whip.  Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
        The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar.  He then stood aghast as
the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
smacked his lips with relish.
        "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
        "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted.  "Big Mike's
a-comin'."
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will get a respectful
hearing when age has further impaired his mind.
                -- Finley Peter Dunne
Many people feel that if you won't let them make you happy, they'll make you
suffer.
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
character, give him power.
                -- Abraham Lincoln
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
Never explain.  Your friends do not need it and your enemies will never
believe you anyway.
                -- Elbert Hubbard
Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.
                -- Marlo Thomas
Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're absolutely sure they'll
never find out the truth.
No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.
                -- E.W. Howe
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
                -- Eleanor Roosevelt
No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
Nobody is one block of harmony.  We are all afraid of something, or feel
limited in something.  We all need somebody to talk to.  It would be good
if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk.  We
shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
                -- Liv Ullman
Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
"Oh, yes.  The important thing about having lots of things to  remember is
that you've got to go somewhere afterwards where you can remember them, you
see?  You've got to stop.  You haven't really been anywhere until you've got
back home.  I think that's what I mean."
                -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's
listening.
                -- Franklin P. Jones
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
to people you could not have possibly met.
                -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy
to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
                -- D.J. Hicks
Pelorat sighed.
        "I will never understand people."
        "There's nothing to it.  All you have to do is take a close look
at yourself and you will understand everyone else.  How would Seldon have
worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was --
if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people
weren't easy to understand?  You show me someone who can't understand
people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself
-- no offense intended."
                -- Asimov, "Foundation's Edge"
People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
Franklin said it first.
Personifiers of the world, unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
                -- Bernadette Bosky
Please don't put a strain on our friendship by asking me to do something
for you.
Please don't recommend me to your friends-- it's difficult enough to
cope with you alone.
"Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.  After what you all have done,
I find being 'inhuman' a compliment."
                -- Spider Robinson, "Callahan's Secret"
        "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..."
        "He was going to suck my blood!"
        "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt
if they don't live our way."
...
        "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that
happens to be impossible.  The phrase is hurt somebody else.  We choose,
ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what.  Us who decides.
Nobody else.  My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him?  That's
his decision to be hurt, that's his choice.  What you do about it is your
decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake
through his heart.  If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist,
in whatever way he wants.  It goes on and on, choices, choices."
        "When you look at it that way..."
        "Listen," he said, "it's important.  We are all.  Free.  To do.
Whatever.  We want.  To do."
                -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
Scenery is here, wish you were beautiful.
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the
town gossip.
Something better...

1 (obvious): Excuse me.  Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover.  She's going to blow.
3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
        something larger.  Like ... Wyoming.
4 (personal): Well, here we are.  Just the three of us.
5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen.  Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
        minutes late.
6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you.  Gosh.  To be able to smell your
        own ear.
7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir.  Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
        mind putting that thing away.
8 (philosophical): You know.  It's not the size of a nose that's important.
        It's what's in it that matters.
9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Sneeze and it's goodbye,
        Seattle.
10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
11 (polite): Ah.  Would you mind not bobbing your head.  The orchestra keeps
        changing tempo.
12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
                -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
Something better...

13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened?  Did your parents lose a bet with God?
14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
        perch on.
15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?
18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you
        leave.
19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.
20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He.
21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair?
22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine!
23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the
        coffee ... in Brazil.
24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original.  Most people just have their teeth
        capped.
25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
                -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone
else is driving.
                -- David Letterman
Start the day with a smile.  After that you can be your nasty old self again.
Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.  Say, do you
have a map to the next joint?
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
before it is understood.
Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.
                -- Jean Cocteau
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
                -- Euripides
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting
a falsehood, isn't it?
                -- A. Hope
That's always the way when you discover something new; everyone thinks
you're crazy.
                -- Evelyn E. Smith
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is none
of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."  Don't use
excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.  Cutting his throat
is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about.
                -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
thinking everyone is out to get you.  That's normal -- they are.  Paranoia
is thinking that they're conspiring.
                -- J. Kegler
The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
is your move.
                -- Frank Crane
The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight.
At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have
answered themselves.
                -- Arthur Binstead
The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of
relatives on the train for home.
The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet,
challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that
keeps the blood at heat.  Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents
itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb
of innocence.  To yield to its blandishments is so easy.  The wrong, it seems,
is venial...  Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of
adventurous youth.
                -- Benjamin Cardozo
The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- not just
when you occasionally are that way, but also when you waver, when you
forget yourself, act like less than you are. In time, you become more
like his vision of you -- which is the person you have always wanted to be.
                -- Nancy Friday
The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad
trying to stop yourself going mad.  You might just as well give in and
save your sanity for later.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can
be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
                -- Elizabeth Taylor
The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
                -- Bette Midler
There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery is, if not an antidote,
at least an alleviation.  If you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
        --Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.
                -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
To be wise, the only thing you really need to know is when to say
"I don't know."
To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
                -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.
                -- e.e. cummings
Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on.  But now and then
there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
frying pan.  Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
                -- Tom Robbins
What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?
                -- Ashleigh Brilliant
        What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional
chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that
conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and
repulsion.  You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and
they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor
passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run.  Conversely,
all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice
and they remain permanent influences on your life.
        Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen
as familiar wallpaper or instant friend.  The chemical action it entails is
less worth analyzing than enjoying.  At any rate, these six pieces are about
men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's
more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy".
                -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men"
What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on I can no
longer believe you.
                -- Nietzsche
What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
your control.  But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control.  If you feel
powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
with as you will.
                -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like
other people.
                -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years
ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind
with changing conditions.  When a man you don't like does it, he is a
liar who has broken his promises.
                -- Franklin Adams
When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
When you dig another out of trouble, you've got a place to bury your own.
When you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground from beneath
your feet.
                -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
When you speak to others for their own good it's advice;
when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
impression you will make.
Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty sure
that they're not using it.
... whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
                -- Richard Shelton
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
reassuring to know that it's still there.
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
become a monster.  And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
into you.
                -- Friedrich Nietzsche
Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
Will your long-winded speeches never end?
What ails you that you keep on arguing?
                -- Job 16:3
Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair -- It gives you something to do,
but it doesn't get you anywhere.
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.
                -- Philip Whalen
You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.
                -- Sherlock Holmes
You are not a fool just because you have done something foolish --
only if the folly of it escapes you.
You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
                -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.
                -- Janis Joplin
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
You can't cheat an honest man.  Never give a sucker an even break or
smarten up a chump.
                -- W.C. Fields
You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.
                -- Peter Frampton
You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.
                -- Ayn Rand
You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
                -- Booker T. Washington
You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle
is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.
                -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
You can't play your friends like marks, kid.
                -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.  You get spastic
enough worrying about what's happening now.
                -- Lauren Bacall
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't."
                -- Dagwood Bumstead
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.
                -- Indira Gandhi
You cannot use your friends and have them too.
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
You don't have to be nice to people on the way up if you're not planning on
coming back down.
                -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
You don't have to explain something you never said.
                -- Calvin Coolidge
You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
from your own life.  May it all turn out to your happiness.
                -- Goethe
You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
                -- Yogi Berra
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
                -- John Viscount Morley
You humans are all alike.
You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!
                -- Dylan Thomas
You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.
                -- Maharbal
You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower,
start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.
                -- Dean Webber
You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.
                -- Garfield
You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language is revenge.
                -- Peter Beard
You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
                -- E.A. Gilliam
You know you're in trouble when...
(1)        You wake up face down on the pavement.
(2)        Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
(3)        You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
                out of the city.
(4)        Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
(5)        You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
                remember that you don't have a waterbed.
(6)        Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.
You know you're in trouble when...
(1)        You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
                skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
                Especially if you're a man.
(2)        Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
(3)        Your income tax check bounces.
(4)        You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
(5)        Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
(6)        You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
                after you bought a waterbed.
(7)        You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
                clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
                for your spouse.
You know you're in trouble when...
(1)        Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
                follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
(2)        You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
                and there aren't any.
(3)        Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
(4)        The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
(5)        You wake up and your braces are locked together.
(6)        Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
You know you're in trouble when...
(1)        Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
                her own business.
(2)        You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
(3)        You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
(4)        You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
(5)        Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
(6)        Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
                flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
(7)        You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
You know your apartment is small...
        when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
        you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
        you have to go outside to change your mind.
        you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
                -- Sydney Harris
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with him.
                -- Ed Howe
You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for success.
You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits or white
plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume party disguised
as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
                -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
to his own concept of the obligations of manhood.  All other loyalties
are merely deputies of that one.
                -- Nero Wolfe
You never gain something but that you lose something.
                -- Thoreau
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
You never go anywhere without your soul.
You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.
                -- William Blake
You never learn anything by doing it right.
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
know how seldom they do.
                -- Olin Miller.
        "You say there are two types of people?"
        "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that don't."
        "Wrong.  There are three groups:
                Those who separate people into three groups.
                Those who don't separate people into groups.
                Those who can't decide."
        "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into two groups?"
        "Oh.  Okay, then there are four groups."
        "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
        "Yeah."
        "So then there's a fifth group, right?"
        "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their minds."
You see things; and you say "Why?"
But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"
                -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah"
                [No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy.  Ed.]
You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
                -- Joseph Conrad
You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except
incest and folk-dancing.
                -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
You shouldn't wallow in self-pity.  But it's OK to put your feet in it
and swish them around a little.
                -- Guindon
You want to know why I kept getting promoted?  Because my mouth knows more
than my brain.
        -- W.G.
You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
                -- Frank Hubbard
You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m.
anyway.
                -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.
                -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
You're always thinking you're gonna be the one that makes 'em act different.
                -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.
                -- Eldridge Cleaver
You're never too old to become younger.
                -- Mae West
You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
                -- Eugene Ionesco
You've been telling me to relax all the way here, and now you're telling
me just to be myself?
                -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts
                ...Here's How You Can Tell
Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
listed 10 signs to watch for:
    (3) Bizarre sense of humor.  Space aliens who don't understand
        earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
        jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
    (6) Misuses everyday items.  "A space alien may use correction
        fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
    (8) Secretive about personal life-style and home.  "An alien won't
        discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
   (10) Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
        high-tech hardware.  "An alien may experience a mood change when
        a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
                -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.

        [I thought everybody laughed at company training films.  Ed.]
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you
from enjoying it.
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your
acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
                -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
        Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of
the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance
of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease.
        Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow
old only by deserting their ideals.  Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up
enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.  Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair
-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit
back to dust.
        Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love
of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and
thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite
for what next, and the joy and the game of life.
        You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your
self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your
despair.
        So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage,
grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long
you are young.
                -- Samuel Ullman
If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save
you.  If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not
bring forth will destroy you.
                -- Jesus, "Gnostic Gospels" (Elaine Pagel)
Would a giant, profit-oriented cartel lie to you?
                -- Top Ten List, Late Night with David Letterman
Some days you wake and immediately start worrying.  Nothing in
particular is wrong, it's just the suspicion that forces are aligning
quietly and there will be trouble.
                -- "Survival Series", Jenny Holzer
When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but
only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered
glass and splintered wood, like a house in a whirlwind, or else a boat
crushed by the icebergs or swept over the rapids, and all aboard
powerless to stop it.  It's only afterwards that it becomes anything
like a story at all.  When you are telling it, to yourself or to
someone else.
                -- Margaret Atwood, "Alias Grace"
I am examining you on your fool ideas that no intelligent Christian
on earth believes.
                -- Clarence Darrow, to William Jennings Bryan
"Go on, girl!  You'll never get a better chance to buy Jif at this
price.  *Carpe diem*, babe!"
                -- "The Naked Consumer", Erik Larson
"I want you guys to look at your computer screen, imagining the worst
monster you can (the cacodeamon from Quake will do, just make him hairier
and bigger and more MEAN), and think of me. Think of me like I am when I
see a patch which isn't a pure bug-fix.

If you're whimpering just _thinking_ about sending me a new feature,
you're in the right mindframe. Keep that mindframe."

        - Linus Torvalds
"And I doubt complaining to the author gets you anything but a free procmail
rule."

        - Alan Cox on asking authors to document their code
"hairier and meaner.. you need to grow a beard Linus"

        - A bearded Alan Cox in response to Linus' "cacodaemon" post
"I hope you will find the courage to keep on living
despite the existence of this feature."

        - Richard Stallman
"Now I know why you say so little in person, you mouth is in a NOP because
the brain is always inserting requests at the top of the list_head."

        - Andre Hedrick on Alan Cox
"Jamie, you know how inappropriate it is to introduce facts in a
discussion about ReiserFS, please refrain from that in the future."

        - Jes Sorenson

"Sorry, I will use [OFFTOPIC] for facts in future ;-)"

        - Jamie Lokier
"Message passing as the fundamental operation of the OS is just an
excercise in computer science masturbation. It may feel good, but you
don't actually get anything DONE."

        - Linus Torvalds
"Think of it this way: threads are like salt, not like
pasta. You like salt, I like salt, we all like salt. But we
eat more pasta."

        - Larry McVoy
"Hardware simply does not work like the manual says and no amount
of Zen contemplation will ever make you at one with a 3c905B
ethernet card."

        - Alan Cox
"The debugger is akin to giving the _rabbits_ a bazooka. The poor wolf
doesn't get any sharper teeth.  Yeah, it sure helps against wolves.
They explode in pretty patterns of red drops flying _everywhere_. Cool.
But it doesn't help against a rabbit gene pool that is slowly
deteriorating because there is nothing to keep them from breeding, and no
darwin to make sure that it's the fastest and strongest that breeds.
You mentioned how NT has the nicest debugger out there.
Contemplate it."

        - Linus Torvalds
"This, btw, is not something I would suggest you do in your living room.
Getting a penguin to pee on demand is _messy_. We're talking yellow spots
on the walls, on the ceiling, yea verily even behind the fridge. However.
I would also advice against doing this outside - it may be a lot easier to
clean up, but you're likely to get reported and arrested for public
lewdness Never mind that you had a perfectly good explanation for it all."

         - Linus Torvalds on sprinkling holy penguin pee
"I would suggest you to read through the following book and files:
        * Kernighan & Pike, "The Practice of Programming"
        * Documentation/CodingStyle
        * drivers/net/aironet4500_proc.c
and consider, erm, discrepancies. On the second thought, reading K&R
might also be useful. IOW, no offense, but your C is bad beyond belief."

         - Al Viro
"You are welcome to your opinion. I've got this great bridge to sell you too."

        - Alan Cox to someone recommending the NVidia drivers
Alan Cox  <alan@lxorguk.ukuu.org.uk> wrote:
>
> Running with page aging convinces me that 2.2.19 we need to sort some
> of the vm issues out badly, and make it faster than 2.4test 8)

Ahh.. The challenge is out!

You and me. Mano a mano.

                Linus
"Call me stupid [ Chorus: "You're stupid, Linus" ], but I actually compiled
and booted this remotely."

        - Linus
"I'll bet you $5 USD (and these days, that's about a gadzillion Euros) that
this explains it."

        - Linus
"Please see the posting on l-k today "[NEW DRIVER] New user space serial port"
which does just what you want.  Just-in-time kernel development has arrived."

        - Andreas Dilger
> around line mm/vmscan.c:487 that says:

Yeah, yeah, it's 7PM Christmas Eve over there, and you're in the middle of
your Christmas dinner. You might feel that it's unreasonable of me to ask
you to test out my latest crazy idea.

How selfish of you.

Get back there in front of the computer NOW. Christmas can wait.

                Linus "the Grinch" Torvalds
> I can just imagine Xmas at the Torvalds residence, with their annual
> tradition of having the kids scream... But dad, other kids have the l
> lights strung around the trees, not the computer....

I don't think you get the full picture. I suspect what gets strung up on the
trees at Christmas if Linus does too much hacking is ... Linus

        - Alan Cox
"> I am using the Intel PCI backplane with default etchlink/jumper
> configuration and the EBSA285 configured as host bridge.

I'd suggest that you check, double check, triple check, take a photo of
the links and put it up on the web and get someone else to check all
the link settings on the EBSA285 card."

         - Russell King on linux-arm-kernel
"Once you realize that documentation should be laughed at, peed upon, put
on fire, and just ridiculed in general, THEN, and only then, have you reached
the level where you can safely read it and try to use it to actually implement
a driver."

        - Linus Torvalds
"Maybe a good analogy is that drivers are to hardware companies like
excrements are to living creatures: in order to stay alive, they have
to produce them, but you don't put much love into their production,
and their internals (like their development) may be a little
disgusting."

        - Werner Almesberger
Unix has this thing called "directories", which make it possible
for you to have multiple files with the same name on your disk.

        - Rik van Riel explaining the concept of directories
<movement> hmm, all you kernel hackers spending too much time adding
           fortunes instead of important stuff :)

        - John Levon trying to grasp kernel hacking reality
"Guys, if you want a large subtree in /proc - whack yourself over the head
until you realize that you want an fs of your own. I'll be more than
happy to help with both parts."
        - Al Viro
David Brownell wrote:
> AMD told me I'd need an NDA to learn their workaround, and I've not
> pursued it. (Does anyone already know what kind of NDA they use?)

It varies depending on the info. They may well be able to sort out a sane
NDA with you. If they dont want to then I guess it would be best if the
ohci driver printing a message explaining the component has an undocumented
errata fix, gave AMD's phone number and refused to load..

        - Alan Cox
        /* Sun, you just can't beat me, you just can't.  Stop trying,
         * give up.  I'm serious, I am going to kick the living shit
         * out of you, game over, lights out.
         */

        - comment from arch/sparc/lib/checksum.S
Richard B. Johnson wrote:
> The 'C' language can order structure members anyway it wants.

You are an idiot.

        - Rusty Russell on linux-kernel
        /* So there I am, in the middle of my `netfilter-is-wonderful'
           talk in Sydney, and someone asks `What happens if you try
           to enlarge a 64k packet here?'.  I think I said something
           eloquent like `fuck'. */

        - comment from net/ipc4/netfilter/ip_nat_ftp.c
I will pop a nasty patch to get you through the almost death, but it is
nasty and not the preferred unknow solution.

        - Andre Hedrik on linux-kernel
Alan Olsen wrote:
> things correctly they have enhanced Wake-on-LAN to allow you to do
> things like reset the machine, update the BIOS and such by sending
> magic packets which are interpreted by the network card. Or maybe I am

Normally 'sending magic packets resets the machine' is considered a feature
reported to bugtraq. The alert stuff I have seen is more akin to sending SNMP
traps for things like people opening the lid, or fan failure

        - Alan Cox on linux-kernel
Actually you would still need the other fixes otherwise you might as well put
the root password in /etc/motd

        - Alan Cox pointing out some security holes in binfmt_misc
Andries Brouwer wrote:
> Linux is unreliable.
> That is bad.

Since your definition of reliability is a mathematical abstraction requiring
infinite storage why don't you start by inventing infinitely large SDRAM
chips, then get back to us ?

        - Alan Cox
Dennis wrote:
> whatever you do dont buy a gigabit card with a small buffer and 32bits.
> 32bits isnt enough to do gigabit, even with a large buffer.

Never underestimate what will come out of Taiwan in massive quantities
:)

        - Jeff Garzik about gigabit ethernet cards on linux-kernel
Bruno Avila wrote:
>        I can't find this anywhere. What is the version of the tools to
> compile linux kernel 0.0.0.1 (../Historic)? And where can i find them?  

Well, first you have to find a good source of obsidean, a couple of sharp
rocks, and some flint...

        - Alan Olsen on linux-kernel
You know, if you really do not understand the implications of
running everything with permissions equivalent to root - get
the hell out of any UNIX-related programming until you learn.

        - Al Viro explaining the merits of doing everything as root
You don't get out much, do you :-)?  Lighten up a little, this
is supposed to be fun.......We could argue all day, but there was
lots of computer work done before PCI and PCs.  I'm more than old
enough to know, so just leave it at that.......

        - Dan Malek on the linuxppc-embedded list
You want brutality and heuristics?  I'll give you brutality and heuristics...

        - Eric S. Raymond on linux-kernel
The executive, Irving Wladawsky- Berger, an I.B.M. vice president, said,
"If we thought this was a trap, we wouldn't be doing it, and as you
know, we have a lot of lawyers."

        - from a New York Times article about Microsoft vs GPL licensing
You can extend EXTRAVERSION infinitely, but after the first 10 or so
characters, it starts to get silly.

        - Russell King on linux-kernel
<klak> I need some help, I upgraded my kernel and on a reboot I get this error
          message kmod: failed to exec /sbin/modprobe -s -k binfmt-464c, errno
          = 8 can anyone help?
<spinoli> from /usr/include/asm/errno.h
<spinoli> #define ENOEXEC          8      /* Exec format error */
<spinoli> not that that necessarily tells you much ;)

        - from #kernelnewbies
I can see the intent.

I can also see that the code doesn't match up to the intent.

I call that a bug. You don't. Fine.

        - Linus Torvalds rejecting a patch on linux-kernel
IOW, "not a tty" used to mean "WTF are you using ioctls here?"

        - Al Viro explaining ENOTTY on linux-kernel
Ha.  For once you're both wrong but not where you are thinking.

        - Larry McVoy to Linus Torvalds on linux-kernel
Nvidia driver loaded - bugs to nvidia. vmware loaded bugs to vmware,
both loaded, god help you, nobody else will

        - Alan Cox explaining where to send bug reports for binary-only drivers
It should be a case of "Just plug in a new kernel, and suddenly your
existing filesystem just allows you to do more! 20% more for the same
price! AND we'll throw in this useful ginzu knife for just 4.95 for
shipping and handling. Absolutely free!"

        - Linus Torvalds on linux-kernel
Linus Torvalds wrote:
> It should be a case of "Just plug in a new kernel, and suddenly your
> existing filesystem just allows you to do more! 20% more for the same
> price! AND we'll throw in this useful ginzu knife for just 4.95 for  
> shipping and handling. Absolutely free!"

...Linus demonstrates why American culture is a bad influence on you.

        - Jeff Garzik on linux-kernel
Because you want to win benchmarketing exercises, not demonstrate that your
architecture has any value in the real world whatsoever.  Because you know
that you can induce people with financial approval to make stupid and
irrational decisions based on irrelevant data.

        - Rodger Donaldson about benchmarking on linux-kernel
It should be fixed, but it won't be easy and it won't be fast. If you want
to help - wonderful. But keep in mind that it will take months of wading
through the ugliest code we have in the tree. If you've got a weak stomach -
stay out. I've been there and it's not a nice place.

        - Al Viro on fixing drivers
Linus Torvalds wrote:
> Ehh.. Telling people "don't do that" simply doesn't work. Not if they can
> do it easily anyway. Things really don't get fixed unless people have a
> certain pain-level to induce it to get fixed.

Umm... How about the following:  you hit delete on patches that introduce
new ioctls, I help to provide required level of pain.  Deal?

        - Al Viro on linux-kernel
        "MIME, oh mime, how I hate thee.  Let me stick pins in you to
         count the ways..." -- Ben LaHaise
If you _really_ feel this strongly about the bug, you could
either try to increase the number of hours a day for all of
us or you could talk to my boss about hiring me as a consultant
to fix the problem for you on an emergency basis :)

        - Rik van Riel explaining what to do against kernel bugs
<sadie> ata: do you get some help from promise while developing the patch ?
<ata> sadie: pass me a toke of what ever you are smokin'

        - Andre Hedrik on #kernelnewbies
But in my experience you have a better chance of getting a straight answer out
of a politician than intels networking folks. Maybe they have reformed

        - Alan Cox on linux-kernel
<JALH> lxrbot, whereis olaf?
<lxrbot> olaf is Not used
* JALH runs
<Russ|werk> JALH: why
<Russ|werk> its not like you did something like this:
<Russ|werk> lxrbot, whereis lubrication
<lxrbot> lubrication is Not used
<JALH> muwhaha
<Russ|werk> then...it would be time to run

        - abusing lxrbot on #kernelnewbies
... and for absolute majority of programmers additional shared objects mean
additional fsckup sources.  I don't trust them to write correct async code.
OK, so I don't trust the majority of programmers to find their dicks if
you take their Visual Masturbation Aid++ away, but that's another story -
I'm talking about otherwise clued people, not burger-flippers armed with
Foo For Complete Dummies in 24 Hours.

        - Al Viro about multi-threading on linux-kernel
  If you really want to know where you stand, it'll cost you around
  $15K and that, in my opinion, is fine. If it isn't worth $15K to
  protect your code then it is worth so little to you that there really
  is no good reason not to just GPL it from the start.

        - Larry McVoy on GPL licensing issues
> >
> > Wait. Don't you mean:

Yes. Just ignore me when I show extreme signs of Alzheimers.

        - Linus Torvalds on linux-kernel
As you point out below, contract law is also involved.  Add the DMCA,
UCITA, and Bush 2.0 to the mix, and any lawyer who says he actually
knows what's legal is lying.

        - Ian Pilcher on Microsoft "shared source" licensing
Would you like to code up this, test it and send it to me?

Btw, good debugging!

                Linus "lazy is my middle name" Torvalds
Let me explain it to you slowly:

Disks.  Write.  One.  Write.  At.  A.  Time.

        - Rik van Riel on linux-kernel
It's not broken, you silly boy.

        - Linus Torvalds offending people on the gcc mailing list
> Linus seems to be getting a little emotional in this discussion but swearing
> does not replace data.

Hey, I called people silly, not <censored>. You must have a very low
tolerance ;)

        - Linus Torvalds about offending people on the gcc mailing list
Looks nice to me but about the only way you are likely to get Linus to take
in kernel debugging patches is to turn them into hex and disguise them as USB
firmware ;)

        - Alan Cox's guide on submitting Linux patches, today:
                chapter #3, kernel debuggers
Most EULA's are not legal contracts. In civilised countries the right to
disassemble is enshrined in law (ironically it comes in Europe from trying  
to keep car manufacturers from running monopolistic scams not from the
software people doing the same)

In the USA its a lot less clear. You can find laws explicitly claiming both,
and since US law is primarily about who has loads of money, its a bit
irrelevant

        - Alan Cox explaining EULA's on linux-kernel
Alan Cox wrote:
> Linus Torvalds wrote:
> > And quite frankly, if your disk can push 50MB/s through a 1kB
> > non-contiguous filesystem, then my name is Bugs Bunny.
>
> Hi Bugs 8), previously Frodo Rabbit, .. I think you watch too much kids tv
> 8)

Three kids will do that to you. Some day, you too will be there.

        - Linus Torvalds and Alan Cox on linux-kernel
[ Hey, I can have long discussions by myself. I don't need you guys to
  answer me at all.

  This must be what senility feels like. Linus "doddering fool" Torvalds ]
Re-sending is always the right thing to do. Sometimes it takes a few
times, and you can add a small exasperated message at the top by the third
time ("Don't you love me any more?").

        - Linus Torvalds about sending patches to him
> ...  And aren't you one of the Preists of Text in
> /proc -- those of the belief in managing everything with 'cat' and 'vi'.

No. That would be Al Viro.

        - Alan Cox on linux-kernel
Ricky Beam wrote:
> So basically, you had no fucking clue

Since you're the expert, why won't we all wait for
YOUR patch to fix the problem? ;)

        - Rik van Riel on linux-kernel
Russell King wrote:
> I'll look into it, produce a patch, but I'm not a VM hacker.

You know what a pte is so you're a VM hacker ;-)

        - Daniel Phillips on linux-kernel
> Wouldn't it have made more sense to make the 'len' parameter an unsigned int?

Oh yes.  

And wouldn't it be nicer if the sky was pink, and God came personally down
to earth and stopped all wrans and made you king?

        - Linus Torvalds on linux-kernel?
> Sorry, at this point we are not allowed to publish the source code of the
> lcs and qeth drivers (due to the use of confidential hardware interface
> specifications).  We make those modules available only in binary form
> on our developerWorks web site.
>
Gosh. I didn't know you guys were so advanced that you didn't use
an electronic hardware interface! Your 'hardware interface specifications'
use magnetohydrodynamics, and they are top-secret, right?

        - Richard B. Johnson on linux-kernel
Linus Torvalds wrote:
> How the h*ll did you happen to actually notice this?

Some combination of blind luck, curiosity, pride, and Obsessive
Compulsive Disorder...

        - John Byrne on linux-kernel
You're so full of shit that it's incredible.

        - Linus Torvalds on linux-kernel
Well, I have done sparc assembly in my time (remember Dave Sitsky and
I did a port of the kernel to the ultrasparc running in 32-bit mode
before you did the sparc64 port) but the stuff you're doing in there
isn't just assembly, it's magic assembly. ;)

        - Paul Mackerras admiring Dave Miller's assembly on linux-kernel
> That is reimplementing file system functionality in user space.
> I'm in doubts that this is considered good design...

Keeping things out of the kernel is good design. Your block indirections
are no different to other database formats. Perhaps you think we should
have fsql_operation() and libdb in kernel 8)

        - Alan Cox on linux-kernel
Andrea Arcangeli wrote:
> (infact I never had a single report), but well we'll verify that in

Richard, is that you?  What had you done with real Andrea?

        - Al Viro trying to beat two people with one cluebat
As I'm sure you're all aware, being experts in userland programming, that  
the above obviously cannot work and is totally bogus.

        - Russell King on linux-kernel
> If you took my patch for it, PLEASE don't send it for inclusion; it's an
> evil hack and no longer needed when Intel fixes the bug in their 440GX bios.

"when" is not a word I find useful about most bios bugs. Try "if" or
"less likely that being hit on the head by an asteroid"

        - Alan Cox on linux-kernel
Catastrophic failure of the IDE cable???.
What are you doing to the poor thing, jumping on it?

        - Beau Kuiper on linux-kernel
> Can you explain this behaviour?

Yes
--
Alan

[Oh wait you want to know why...]

        - Alan Cox on linux-kernel
In short: just say NO TO DRUGS, and maybe you won't end up like the Hurd  
people.

        - Linus on MAP_COPY
Now, somebody who _isn't_ stupid (and that, of course, is me), immediately
goes "well, _duh_, why don't you speed up read() instead?".

        - Linus Torvalds on linux-kernel
I would suggest re-naming "rmbdd()". I _assume_ that "dd" stands for "data
dependent", but quite frankly, "rmbdd" looks like the standard IBM "we
lost every vowel ever invented" kind of assembly lanaguage to me.

I'm sure that having programmed PPC assembly language, you find it very
natural (IBM motto: "We found five vowels hiding in a corner, and we used
them _all_ for the 'eieio' instruction so that we wouldn't have to use
them anywhere else").

        - Linus Torvalds on linux-kernel
        (IBM motto: "We found five vowels hiding in a corner, and we used
them _all_ for the 'eieio' instruction so that we wouldn't have to use
them anywhere else").

        [...]

(IBM motto: "If you can't read our assembly language, you must be
borderline dyslexic, and we don't want you to mess with it anyway").

        [...]

(IBM motto: "TEN vowels? Don't you know vowels are scrd?")

        - Linus Torvalds on linux-kernel
Oh, and before people start telling me that RCU was successfully used in
AIX/projectX/xxxx/etc, you have to realize that I don't give a rats *ss
about the fact that there are OS's out there that are "more scalable".

        - Linus Torvalds
What would you expect to gain from XIP besides being buzzword
compliant?

        - Erik Mouw on linux-arm-kernel
>    In short, now you need filesystem versioning at a per-page level etc.

*ding* *ding* *ding* we have a near winner.  Remember, folks, Hurd had been
started by people who not only don't understand UNIX, but detest it.
ITS/TWENEX refugees.  And semantics in question comes from there -
they had "open and make sure that anyone who tries to modify will get
a new version, leaving one we'd opened unchanged".

        - Al Viro on linux-kernel
Chris Rumpf wrote:
> I would like to join this mailing list.

you want all of us to give you a call saying you're welcome ??

        - elko@home.nl on linux-kernel
Interface definitions tend to be treated a little differently to "code". But
as I keep trying to beat into people - if you are going to mix GPL and non
GPL code see a lawyer - thats what they are there for

        - Alan Cox on linux-kernel
Come on Al, if you have real arguments let hear them, if you want to insult
people you gotta do better than that above.   :)

        - Jakob Østergaard poking Alexander Viro on linux-kernel
From: Alan Cox <alan@lxorguk.ukuu.org.uk>
Subject: Re: Yet another design for /proc. Or actually /kernel.

> Here's my go at a new design for /proc. I designed it from a userland
> point of view and tried not to drown myself into details.

Did you have to change the subject line. It makes it harder to kill file
when people keep doing that
> There is an easy way for you, or even better, Linus to stop these discussions:
> Just say, in unambigous words, what kind of patch you would accept, if any.

.procmailrc one would do nicely.

        - Al Viro on linux-kernel
> ScanMail for Microsoft Exchange has detected virus-infected attachment(s).
> Warning to sender. ScanMail detected a virus in an email attachment you sent.

You are an idiot! You have deleted a correctly-written important
shell-script. You, again, are an IDIOT, IDIOT, IDIOT, IDIOT, creep.

        - Richard B. Johnson on linux-kernel
Didn't you hear?  I think Linus broke the news awhile back: Alan has the
uncanny ability to fork() himself infinitely many times.  And he has no  
resource contention, so he scales O(1).

        - Robert Love on linux-kernel
> ... What will be next, maybe you disable to run non GPL
> executables under linux ?

Actually no. We are researching how to stop trolls posting to the kernel
list as our main AI project.

        - Alan Cox on linux-kernel
Tim Schmielau wrote:
> the appended patch enables 32 bit linux boxes to display more than
> 497.1 days of uptime. No user land application changes are needed.

Thank you for doing this labor of love -

I will let you know how it goes sometime
after March 23, 2003 -

        - J Sloan on linux-kernel
Alexander Viro wrote:
> You mean that you are unable to read any of the core kernel source?
> That would explain a lot...

Were you born rude, or did you have to practice it?

        - Richard Gooch on linux-kernel
Alexander Viro wrote:
> Al, -><- close to setting up a Linux Kernel Hall of Shame - one with names of
> wankers (both individual and coprorat ones) responsible, their code and
> commentary on said code...

Please, please, please, I'm begging you, please do this.  It's the only way
people learn quickly.  Being nice is great, but nothing works faster than
a cold shower of public humiliation :-)

        - Larry McVoy on linux-kernel
Christoph, please remember that irony is not available between the Canadian
and Mexican border.... you are confusing them again 8)

        - Alan Cox on linux-kernel
Daniel Phillips wrote:
> Hi Dana,
>
> Are you still interested in signing up for a kernel project?  I've got a good
> one I think would be perfect for you.

Hey Dana,

I have a long list of projects you can work on, too.  Let me know.

        Jeff

;-)

        - Jeff Garzik on linux-kernel
Carrying body and soul and embracing the one,
Can you avoid separation?
Attending fully and becoming supple,
Can you be as a newborn babe?
Washing and cleansing the primal vision,
Can you be without stain?
Loving all men and ruling the country,
Can you be without cleverness?
Opening and closing the gates of heaven,
Can you play the role of woman?
Understanding and being open to all things,
Are you able to do nothing?
Giving birth and nourishing,
Bearing yet not possessing,
Working yet not taking credit,
Leading yet not dominating,
This is the Primal Virtue.
Accept disgrace willingly.
Accept misfortune as the human condition.
What do you mean by "Accept disgrace willingly"?
Accept being unimportant.
Do not be concerned with loss or gain.
This is called "accepting disgrace willingly."
What do you mean by "Accept misfortune as the human condition"?
Misfortune comes from having a body.
Without a body, how could there be misfortune?

Surrender yourself humbly; then you can be trusted to care for all things.
Love the world as your own self; then you can truly care for all things.
Empty yourself of everything.
Let the mind become still.
The ten thousand things rise and fall while the Self watches their return.
They grow and flourish and then return to the source.
Returning to the source is stillness, which is the way of nature.
The way of nature is unchanging.
Knowing constancy is insight.
Not knowing constancy leads to disaster.
Knowing constancy, the mind is open.
With an open mind, you will be openhearted.
Being openhearted, you will act royally.
Being royal, you will attain the divine.
Being divine, you will be at one with the Tao.
Being at one with the Tao is eternal.
And though the body dies, the Tao will never pass away.
Yield and overcome;
Bend and be straight;
Empty and be full;
Wear out and be new;
Have little and gain;
Have much and be confused.

Therefore the wise embrace the one
And set an example to all.
Not putting on a display,
They shine forth.
Not justifying themselves,
They are distinguished.
Not boasting,
They receive recognition.
Not bragging,
They never falter.
They do not quarrel,
So no one quarrels with them.
Therefore the ancients say, "Yield and overcome."
Is that an empty saying?
Be really whole,
And all things will come to you.
To talk little is natural.
High winds do not last all morning.
Heavy rain does not last all day.
Why is this?  Heaven and Earth!
If heaven and Earth cannot make things eternal,
How is it possible for man?
He who follows the Tao
Is at one with the Tao.
He who is virtuous
Experiences Virtue.
He who loses the way
Is lost.
When you are at one with the Tao,
The Tao welcomes you.
When you are at one with Virtue,
The Virtue is always there.
When you are at one with loss,
The loss is experienced willingly.

He who does not trust enough
Will not be trusted.
Do you think you can take over the universe and improve it?
I do not believe it can be done.

The universe is sacred.
You cannot improve it.
If you try to change it, you will ruin it.
If you try to hold it, you will lose it.

So sometimes things are ahead and sometimes they are behind;
Sometimes breathing is hard, sometimes it comes easily;
Sometimes there is strength and sometimes weakness;
Sometimes one is up and sometimes down.

Therefore the sage avoids extremes, excesses, and complacency.
Whenever you advise a ruler in the way of Tao,
Counsel him not to use force to conquer the universe.
For this would only cause resistance.
Thorn bushes spring up wherever the army has passed.
Lean years follow in the wake of a great war.
Just do what needs to be done.
Never take advantage of power.

Achieve results,
But never glory in them.
Achieve results,
But never boast.
Achieve results,
But never be proud.
Achieve results,
Because this is the natural way.
Achieve results,
But not through violence.

Force is followed by loss of strength.
This is not the way of Tao.
That which goes against the Tao comes to an early end.
Good weapons are instruments of fear; all creatures hate them.
Therefore followers of Tao never use them.
The wise man prefers the left.
The man of war prefers the right.

Weapons are instruments of fear; they are not a wise man's tools.
He uses them only when he has no choice.
Peace and quiet are dear to his heart,
And victory no cause for rejoicing.
If you rejoice in victory, then you delight in killing;
If you delight in killing, you cannot fulfill yourself.

On happy occasions precedence is given to the left,
On sad occasions to the right.
In the army the general stands on the left,
The commander-in-chief on the right.
This means that war is conducted like a funeral.
When many people are being killed,
They should be mourned in heartfelt sorrow.
That is why a victory must be observed like a funeral.
Without going outside, you may know the whole world.
Without looking through the window, you may see the ways of heaven.
The farther you go, the less you know.

Thus the sage knows without traveling;
He sees without looking;
He works without doing.
Tao is source of the ten thousand things.
It is the treasure of the good man, and the refuge of the bad.
Sweet words can buy honor;
Good deeds can gain respect.
If a man is bad, do not abandon him.
Therefore on the day the emperor is crowned,
Or the three officers of state installed,
Do not send a gift of jade and a team of four horses,
But remain still and offer the Tao.
Why does everyone like the Tao so much at first?
Isn't it because you find what you seek and are forgiven when you sin?
Therefore this is the greatest treasure of the universe.
When men lack a sense of awe, there will be disaster.

Do not intrude in their homes.
Do not harass them at work.
If you do not interfere, they will not weary of you.

Therefore the sage knows himself but makes no show,
Has self-respect but is not arrogant.
He lets go of that and chooses this.
If men are not afraid to die,
It is no avail to threaten them with death.

If men live in constant fear of dying,
And if breaking the law means that a man will be killed,
Who will dare to break the law?

There is always an official executioner.
If you try to take his place,
It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, you will only hurt your hand.
A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad
right?"  And Santa says, "Yes, I do."  The little kid then asks, "And you
know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the
little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good,
then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?"
        A young married couple had their first child.  Their original pride
and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the
child had never uttered any form of speech.  They hired the best speech
therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail.  The child simply refused
to speak.  One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading
the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from
his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold."
        The couple is stunned.  The man, in tears, confronts his son.  "Son,
after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?".
        Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now".
Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ...
                -- Gilda Radner
And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower.  "This," cried the Mayor,
"is your town's darkest hour!  The time for all Whos who have blood that is red
to come to the aid of their country!" he said.  "We've GOT to make noises in
greater amounts!  So, open your mouth, lad!  For every voice counts!"  Thus he
spoke as he climbed.  When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
he shouted out, "YOPP!"
        And that Yopp...  That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
Finally, at last!  From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
They rang out clear and clean.  And they elephant smiled.  "Do you see what
I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small.  And their
whole world was saved by the smallest of All!"
        "How true!  Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo.  "And, from now
on, you know what I'm planning to do?  From now on, I'm going to protect
them with you!"  And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO!  From
the sun in the summer.  From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect
them.  No matter how small-ish!"
                -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

        Are you sure you're telling the truth?  Think hard.
        Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
        If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too?
        Do you feel bad?  How do you think I feel?
        Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
        Don't you know any better?
        How could you be so stupid?
        If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
        You can't fool me.  I know what you're thinking.
        If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

        Do as I say, not as I do.
        Do me a favour and don't tell me about it.  I don't want to know.
        What did you do *this* time?
        If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you.
        When I was your age...
        I won't love you if you keep doing that.
        Think of all the starving children in India.
        If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar.
        I'm going to kill you.
        Way to go, clumsy.
        If you don't like it, you can lump it.
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

        Go away.  You bother me.
        Why?   Because life is unfair.
        That's a nice drawing.  What is it?
        Children should be seen and not heard.
        You'll be the death of me.
        You'll understand when you're older.
        Because.
        Wipe that smile off your face.
        I don't believe you.
        How many times have I told you to be careful?
        Just because.
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

        Good children always obey.
        Quit acting so childish.
        Boys don't cry.
        If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way.
        Why do you have to know so much?
        This hurts me more than it hurts you.
        Why?  Because I'm bigger than you.
        Well, you've ruined everything.  Now are you happy?
        Oh, grow up.
        I'm only doing this because I love you.
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

        When are you going to grow up?
        I'm only doing this for your own good.
        Why are you crying?  Stop crying, or I'll give you something to
                cry about.
        What's wrong with you?
        Someday you'll thank me for this.
        You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
        Don't you have any sense at all?
        If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
        Why?  Because I said so.
        I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
Are you a parent?  Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations?  Worry no more...

        You wouldn't understand.
        You ask too many questions.
        In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders.
        That's for me to know and you to find out.
        Don't let those bullies push you around.  Go in there and stick
                up for yourself.
        You're acting too big for your britches.
        Well, you broke it.  Now are you satisfied?
        Wait till your father gets home.
        Bored?  If you're bored, I've got some chores for you.
        Shape up or ship out.
Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will.
Billy:        Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from
        generation to generation?
Mom:        Yes?
Billy:        Well, this generation dropped it.
        Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
the father spanked them.  His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like them.  That's
when they come over and violate your body space.
Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're
going to catch you in next.
                -- Franklin P. Jones
Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
Fertility is hereditary.  If your parents didn't have any children,
neither will you.
FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6

        "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!"
                -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954
                        -- Gifts for Children --

This is easy.  You never have to figure out what to get for children,
because they will tell you exactly what they want.  They spend months and
months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning
cartoon-show advertisements.  Make sure you get your children exactly what
they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices.  If your child thinks
he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd
better get it.  You may be worried that it might help to encourage your
child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial
tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not
get the right gift.
                -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on
chatting with persons who've never existed.  Such carryings-on in our peaceable
jungle!  We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle!  And I'm here to
state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all
through!"  And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!"
        "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham
Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged,
You're going to be roped!  And you're going to be caged!  And, as for your dust
speck...  Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-Nut oil!"
                -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who"
I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a
letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished
words and an implicit sense of her departure.  It's so curious: one can
resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But
then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices
that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or
a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
                -- Letters From Colette
I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."  One of them said,
"So will you."
                -- Rodney Dangerfield
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn't
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.
                -- Bette Davis
If your mother knew what you're doing, she'd probably hang her head and cry.
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents.  If you could
travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
grubs and berries like dad primate.  Then you'd see the primate
teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
                -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"
Lies!  All lies!  You're all lying against my boys!
                -- Ma Barker
May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me.  I
remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and
drive and drive.

I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The
smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
played.  I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad."  We'd eat
some stuff or not and then I think we went home.

I guess some things never leave you.
                -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
My boy is a mean kid.  I came home the other day and saw him taping worms
to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.  Well,
only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with
a bulls-eye on the back.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own."  One of them
said, "So will you."
                -- Rodney Dangerfield
My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.
                -- Iphicrates
My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
For years I tried smart.  I recommend pleasant.
                -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"
My ritual differs slightly.  What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I
hop into the shower stall.  Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped
in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot
character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off
of while he showers.  Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog,
Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful
dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants
to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear
in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind
-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new
part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift.  Then I hop
right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children
have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen
exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets.  Perhaps several of them.
                -- Dave Barry
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
                -- Erma Bombeck
Never trust a child farther than you can throw it.
        On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick
tomatoes.  Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August
they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks.  So I picked up one and threw
it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato
at my brother.  He whipped one back at me.  We ducked down by the vines,
heaving tomatoes at each other.  My sister, who was a good person, said,
"You're going to get it."  She bent over and kept on picking.
        What a target!  She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over,
she looked like the side of a barn.
        I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground.  It looked like it
had sat there a week.  The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it,
and it was very juicy.  I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup,
when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice.  I had
to decide quickly.  I decided.
        A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat
man doing a belly-flop.  With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after
faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain
me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice.  And my sister, who was a
good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears.  I guess she knew that
the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing
a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end.
                -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old
enough to give you presents they make at school.
                -- Robert Byrne
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when
you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
                -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore
them long enough.
        The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the
judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him.
Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and
ceremoniously handed it to the defendant.
        "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist.  "You have just become a
father!"
The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the
number of your kids by thirty-two teeth.
The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
to be good.
                -- John Barrymore
The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything.
                -- Laurence J. Peter
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
                -- Dr. Who
What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few of
us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once were,
long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that
impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get
enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit till
at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he look
peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all the wars
and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and discovery in
life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond their grasp
before they were five years old.
                -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
When you were born, a big chance was taken for you.
Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them?
Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? Just
picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your children
open their old-fashioned presents.

Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"

You:        "A spinning top!  You spin it around, and then eventually it falls
down.  What fun!  Ha, ha!"

Son:        "Is this a joke?  Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer with
two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, and I get this
cretin TOP?"

Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad?  Look at this."

You:        "It's figgy pudding!  What a treat!"

Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
                -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,
for instance.
                -- Franklin P. Jones
"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time," Margaret
Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 she shocked
feminists by snapping that women don't really have children to put them in
day care twelve hours a day, either.
                -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage"
You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine.  You
need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion
picture star.  If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use
the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified
success.
                -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
to have a name.  This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
should be masculine or feminine.
        After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
        "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends.  Most of
them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
went on their way rather quickly.
        He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
belt in judo.  She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
        The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
asked.
        "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
masculine."
        "Unhhh...  Well, why not?"
        "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
it to.  And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say...  `Each Nissan, she
go!'"

        [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
        martial art.  (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.)  Ed.]
* dpkg hands stu a huge glass of vbeer
* Joey takes the beer from stu, you're too young ;)
* Cylord takes the beer from Joey, you're too drunk.
* Cylord gives the beer to muggles.
"Actually, the only distribution of Linux I've ever used that passed the
rootshell test out of the box (hit rootshell at the time the dist is
released and see if you can break the OS with scripts from there) is
Debian."
        -- seen on the Linux security-audit mailing list
<stu> you should be afraid to use KDE because RMS might come to your
      house and cleave your monitor with an axe or something :)
<Flood> netgod: I also have a "Evil Inside" T-shirt (w/ Intel logo).. on
        the back it states: "When the rapture comes, will you have root?"
<toor> netgod: what do you have in your kernel??? The compiled source for
       driving a space shuttle???
<Spoo> time to make a zip drive your floppy drive then. if the kernel
       doesn fit on that, the kernel is an AI
<Flav> Win 98 Psychic edition: We'll tell you where you're going tomorrow
<dark> "Hey, I'm from this project called Debian... have you heard of it?
       Your name seems to be on a bunch of our stuff."
<Culus> Ben: Do you solumly swear to read you debian email once a day and
        do not permit people to think you are MIA?
<Ben> Culus: i do so swear
"I wonder if this is the first constitution in the history of mankind
where you have to calculate a square root to determine if a motion
passes.  :-)"
        -- Seen on Slashdot
<marcus> dunham: You know how real numbers are constructed from rational
         numbers by equivalence classes of convergent sequences?
<dunham> marcus: yes.
<Culus> "Hello?"  "Hi baybee"  "Are you Johnie Ingram?"  "For you I'll be
        anyone" "Ermm.. Do you sell slink CD's?" "I love slinkies"
Most of us feel that marketing types are like a dangerous weapon - keep
'em unloaded and locked up in a cupboard, and only bring them out when
you need them to do a job.
        -- Craig Sanders
<BenC> cerb: we subscribed you to debian-fight as the moderator
<BenC> cerb: list rules are, 1) no nice emails, 2) no apologies
<Overfiend> Thunder-: when you get { MessagesLikeThisFromYourHardDrive }
<Overfiend> Thunder-: it either means { TheDriverIsScrewy }
<Overfiend> or
<Overfiend> { YourDriveIsFlakingOut BackUpYourDataBeforeIt'sTooLate
            PrayToGod }
* Overfiend ponders doing an NMU of asclock, in which he simply changes
  the extended description to "If you bend over and put your head between
  your legs, you can read the time off your assclock."
<doogie> Overfiend: go to bed.
<joeyh> netgod: er, are these 2.2.0 packages 2.0.0pre9 or do you have a
        direct line with the gods?
<netgod> joeyh: i have the direct line
<Culus> OH MY GOD NOT A RANDOM QUOTE GENERATOR
<netgod> surely you didnt think that was static? how lame would that be? :-)
Mere nonexistence is a feeble excuse for declaring a thing unseeable. You
*can* see dragons.  You just have to look in the right direction.
        -- John Hasler
<Knghtbrd> you people are all insane.
<Joey> knight: sure, that's why we work on Debian.
<JHM> Knghtbrd: get in touch with your inner nutcase.
<Mercury> alexsh: Be /VERY/ cairful, you could, if your unlucky, fry your
          motherboards..
<Knghtbrd> Mercury - sounds like fun
I did it just to piss you off.  :-P
        -- Branden Robinson in a message to debian-devel
<wc> red dye causes cancer, haven't you heard? (;
<Knghtbrd> fucking everything causes cancer, haven't you heard?
<Knghtbrd> =>
<archon> no, that causes aids
"They are both businesses - if you have given them enough money, I'm
sure they'll do whatever the hell you ask:->"
        -- David Welton
"You have the right not to be an asshole.  If you give up that right
everything you say and do in here will be held against you. If you cannot
afford to stop being an asshole then someone will be appointed to kick
yours outta here."
        -- Your rights as an irc addict
* Simunye is so happy she has her mothers gene's
<Dellaran> you better give them back before she misses them!
The X Window System:
  The standard UNIX graphical environment.  With Linux, this is usually
  XFree86 (http://www.xfree86.org).  You may call it X, XFree, the X
  Window System, XF86, or a host of other things.  Call it 'XWindows' and
  someone will smack you and you will have deserved it.
<Knghtbrd> "The currency collectors are offline."  "I'm rerouting though
           the secondary couplings.  If we re-align the phase manifold we
           should be able to use the plasma inductor matrix to manually
           launch a new cheesy spinoff series."
* ShadwDrgn sighs
<Phase> you leave my manifolds alone
<Phase> !
<jgoerzen> doogie: you sound highly unstable :-)
<Knghtbrd> jgoerzen - he is.
* doogie bops Knghtbrd
<Knghtbrd> see?  Resorting to violence =D
<Iambe> you are not a nutcase
<Knghtbrd> You obviously don't know me well enough yet.  =>
"Now we'll have to kill you."
        -- Linus Torvalds
<netgod> heh thats a lost cause, like the correct pronounciation of
         "jewelry"
<netgod> give it up :-)
<sage> and the correct spelling of "colour" :)
<BenC> heh
<sage> and aluminium
<BenC> or nuclear weapons
<sage> are you threating me yankee ?
<sage> just cause we don't have the bomb...
<BenC> back off ya yellow belly
<kira> is a surgical war where you go give the foreign troops nose jobs?
<xtifr> Athena Desktop Environment!  In your hearts, you *know* it's the
        right choice! :)
* Knghtbrd THWAPS xtifr
<Knghtbrd> Overfiend - BTW, after we've discovered X takes all of 1.4 GIGS
           to build, are you willing admit that X is bloatware?  =>
<Overfiend> KB: there is a 16 1/2 minute gap in my answer
<acf> knghtbrd: evidence exists that X is only the *2nd* worst windowing
      system ;)
<Knghtbrd> you know, Linux needs a platform game starring Tux
<Knghtbrd> kinda Super Marioish, but with Tux and things like little cyber
           bugs and borgs and that sort of thing ...
<Knghtbrd> And you have to jump past billgatus and hit the key to drop him
           into the lava and then you see some guy that looks like a RMS
           or someone say "Thank you for rescuing me Tux, but Linus
           Torvalds is in another castle!"
<Crow-> Manoj: well, i cant understand stuff like "s/3#$%^% {]][ @ f245 }"
<Manoj> Crow: That is not quite legal ;-)
<Knghtbrd> Manoj - how would one make "s/3#$%^% {]][ @ f245 }" legal
           anyway? (and what would it do?  hehe)
<Manoj> Knghtbrd: You need to finish the s/// expression.
<Knghtbrd> oh, is that all?
<Phase> no... I musn't have any more coffee !!! ;)
<Simunye> sure yu do Phase :)
<Phase> you really want me bouncing off the ceiling?
<Simunye> yesh :)
<kira_> bouncing off the ceiling is gewd
<Phase> ok, that was a silly question
<kira_> it's splatting on the floor that's the problem.
<kceee^> I hate users
<knghtbrd> you sound like a sysadmin already!
<Overfiend> lilo: well then, you are probably a responsible thinker.
            Welcome to a very small club.
<lilo> Overfiend: welcome me when you join :)
<gecko> Hmm... I wonder what else seperates Debian from the rest of the
        Linux distributions.
<Knghtbrd> gecko - We Don't Suck
<gecko> Knghtbrd:  you don't say that when addressing a bunch of people
        FROM those distros
<Knghtbrd> gecko - point.
<Knghtbrd> If we're both right (I'm guessing we are) I'm Not Very Happy.
* Minupla hands you the understatement of the year award.
<Culus> dhd:  R you part of the secret debian overstructure?
<dhd> no. there is no secret debian overstructure.
<CosmicRay> although, now that somebody brought it up, let's start one
            :-)
<Knghtbrd> CosmicRay - why not, sounds like a fun way to spend the
           afternoon =D
<Crow-> these stupid head hunters want resumes in ms word format
<Crow-> can you write shit in tex and convert it to word?
<Overfiend> \converttoword{shit}
<xtifr> you don't have to be insane to work here....oh wait, yes you do!
        :)
* o-o always like debmake because he knew exactly what it would do...
<ibid> o-o: you would ;-)
<jgoerzen> stu: ahh that machine.  Don't you think that something named
           stallman deserves to be an Alpha? :-)
<stu> jgoerzen: no, actually, I'd prolly be more inclined to name a 386
      with 4 megs of ram and a 40 meg hard drive stallman.
<stu> with a big fat case that makes tons of noise and rattles the floor
* Knghtbrd falls to the floor holding his sides laughing
<stu> and..
<stu> double-height hard drive
<woot> Put *that* in you .sig and smoke it, Knghtbrd.
<Culus> You know he will read this :>
<woot> heheheheh.
"As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a
thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something."
        -- Hagar the Horrible
<Knghtbrd> Okay, you people have started talking about BSDM applications of
           network hardware...  I think I'll run off and do something useful
           and Debianish and stay OUT of this one...
<Knghtbrd> (for a change)
> Ok, I see you know what you're doing :-)

Either that or I've gotten pretty good at faking it.
<frogbert> its hard being a lesbian withoutn breasts...people dont take
           you seriously
// Minor lesson: don't fuck about with something you don't fully understand
        -- the dosdoom source code
<Wordplay> You measure your vibrators in "characters per second"?  I have
           bad news for you, c90, you've been masturbating with a
           dot-matrix printer.
<Sanaya> you guys are all sick!  sick sick sick I tell ya ;)
<Knghtbrd> It's a trackball for one
<wichert> so it's not a rodent
<wichert> it's a turd with a ball sticking out
<wichert> which you fondle constantly
* HomeySan waits for the papa john's pizza to show up
<ravenos> mm. papa john's.
<HomeySan> hopefully they send the cute delivery driver
<ravenos> they dont have that here.
<Dr_Stein> why? you gonna eat the driver instead?
* Knghtbrd assigns 3 to Chris
* variable wonders who else is named chris besides me
<Knghtbrd> variable - you.  =>
* Knghtbrd waits for variable to dramatically say "I feel SO used!"
<variable> Knghtbrd: :)
* variable ++
<variable> :)
<Valkyrja> java, hon, sometimes I really want to smack you.
<Knghtbrd> Valkyrja - he'd enjoy it too much
<Reteo> Valkyrja: yah, go ahead and do it... beat java into cappuccino! :-)
First off - Quake is simply incredible. It lets you repeatedly kill your
boss in the office without being arrested. :)
        -- Signal 11, in a slashdot comment
<tigah_-> i have 4gb for /tmp
<Knghtbrd> What do you do with 4G /tmp?  Compile X?
<tigah_-> yes
<Delenn> I wouldn't make it through 24 hours before I'd be firing up the
         grill and slapping a few friends on the barbie.
<spacemoos> Why would you slap friends with barbies, thats kinda kinky
In fact.. based on this model of what the NSA is and isn't... many of the
people reading this are members of the NSA... /. is afterall 'News for
Nerds'.

NSA MONDAY MORNING {at the coffee machine):
NSA AGENT 1: Hey guys, did you check out slashdot over the weekend?
    AGENT 2: No, I was installing Mandrake 6.1 and I coulnd't get the darn
             ppp connection up..
    AGENT 1: Well check it out... they're on to us.
        -- Chris Moyer <cdmoyer@starmail.com>
knghtbrd: there may be no spoon, but can you spot the vulnerability in
eye_render_shiny_object.c?
        -- rcw
If you are what you eat, I guess that makes me a cheese danish.
        -- Anonymous
<hop> when you start making only stupid mistakes that are obvious, thats
      when you start getting competent
<hop> because you don't make fundamental misunderstanding mistakes
<hop> and thats a *good* sign.
<lilo> it's weird, when you go on a safari to Africa to catch a lion, you
       find it alive and it charges, and then you kill it
<lilo> when you go on a safari to South Bay to find a Palm Vx, you find
       it dead and take it home and it charges after it arrives :)
<lilo> I can read the bloody *manual* as if it were some sort of
       religious tract describing forms of enlightenment you can achieve
       after 10 years on a mountain :)
<knghtbrd> Solver_: add users who should be messing with sound to group
           audio..  Make sure the devices are all group audio (ls -l
           /dev/dsp will give you the fastest indication if it's probably
           set right) and build a kernel with sound support for your card
<knghtbrd> OR optionally install alsa source and build modules for that
           with make-kpkg
<knghtbrd> OR (not recommended) get and install evil OSS/Linux evil
           non-free evil binary only evil drivers---but those are evil.
           And did I mention that it's not recommended?
"Pacific Bell Customer Service, this is [..], how can I provide you with
excellent customer service today?"
"HAHAHAHAHA!!  That's good, I like it.."
"Um, thanks, they make us say that."
        -- knghtbrd and a pacbell rep, name removed to protect her job
<Joy> Flinny: black crontab magic kinda stuff :)
<knghtbrd> Joy: does that mean people get to dance naked around bonfires
           chanting strange things and waving their arms about in a silly
           manner?
<rcw> knghtbrd: what do you *think* people do at novare?
<knghtbrd> If charging someone for violation of US crypto laws would get
           you laughed out of court, just "investigate" them on hte charge
           of TREASON!
<knghtbrd> Tea, anyone?
<Espy> I'd rather drown politicians instead of tea :)
<stu> espy: politicians have gills, duh
<Espy> weasels don't have gills
* bma_home gropes you
<bma_home> "oups, wrong channel"
<bma_home> </acf>
<cerb> quit groping me
<doogie> you know you like it.
<bma_home> actually, it was "grope me baby"
<gecko-> touch my son and you die, bma ;)
<doogie> gecko-: but your wife is ok?
<knghtbrd> (tinc)
<Espy> (ytitac)
<knghtbrd> (ntinac)
<Espy> (it)
<knghtbrd> (in)
* Espy notes talking in acr^Winitialisms is scary when the other side
  understands you
<Espy_on_crack> "I installed 'Linux 6.1', doesn't that make me a unix
                guru?"
<BenC> Espy_on_crack: no, you have to install it twice before you are a
       guru...once to prove you can do it, the second to fix the things
       your broke the first time
<Espy_on_crack> oh right, how silly of me
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
<Espy> be careful, some twit might quote you
<Espy> out of context...
<dhd> is there a special christmas pack for quake
<dhd> where you get to be like the santa robot on futurama?
<dunham> dhd: that would be a rather unbalanced game...
<Knghtbrd> dunham: that's the idea.  ;>
<Palisade> knght, sheesh, are you pasting my words out of context in
           #debian or something?
<Palisade> ;)
<Knghtbrd> no, but I probably should be  ;>
<Palisade> d'oh!
Where do you think you're going today?
<Tarzan> hey did you fall off your pirch or something?
<knghtbrd> me?  heh.
<Espy> you are baked
<knghtbrd> Espy: only half so
<raptor> Adamel, i think the code you fixed of mine didn't work
<raptor> i must not have commited the working code
<Knghtbrd> raptor: like it's the first time THAT has ever happened  =p
"Nominal fee". What an ugly sentence. It's one of those things that
implies that if you have to ask, you can't afford it.
        -- Linus Torvalds
<Deek> you GPL your homework? :)
<knghtbrd> yah  =D
<knghtbrd> Anyone is permitted to use or modify my homework, but if they
           distribute changes they must include the full machine-readable
           source code ;>
<Culus> And don't get me started on perl!
<Culus> :>
<shaleh> perl is beyond evil
<jim> you don't know perl yet?
<netgod> gotta love a language with no definable syntax
<dhd> perl < /dev/bdsm
<knghtbrd> you have a /dev/bdsm?
<dhd> sure, it's a pseudosadomasochistic random number generator
<Kysh_> Joey: I'm on it right now.. 3 1.3Gb disks, 128M ram, dual 50Mhz
        (Up to quad 250Mhz)
<Kysh_> The catch is that it pulls 110v at about 12A 8>
<Culus> 12A!
<Culus> Okay, my stove is 3000W, this sun is 1320W
<Culus> DO YOU SEE A PROBLEM HERE
<calc> a 1320W sun, that is like a hair dryer :)
The less you know about computers the more you want Microsoft!
        -- Microsoft ad campaign, circa 1996

(Proof that Microsoft's advertising _isn't_ dishonest!)
It's not usually cost effective time wise to go do it. But if something's
really pissing you off, you just go find the code and fix it and that's
really cool.
        -- John Carmack, on the advantages of open source
<calc> yea it sounds useful for RE'ing USB
<calc> i have a useless 3com usb camera here :(
<knghtbrd> calc: 3Com could have you arrested for violating laws which
           don't exist 'till October  ;>
<calc> knghtbrd: i will hide :)
<knghtbrd> ...resisting arrest too eh?
<calc> knghtbrd: no i will hide before i get served
<taniwha> Knghtbrd: we should do a quake episode :knee deep in the code":
          you run around shooting at bugs:)
<Knghtbrd> taniwha: I'll pass the idea on to OpenQuartz  ;>
<SlayR> i just bought MS Office 2000 for only $20!!!
<Knghtbrd> you got ripped off  ;>
<SlayR> i know ;)
<Mercury> Knghtbrd: I'd love to see support for xor crosshairs..
<Knghtbrd> Mercury: you're on quack.
<Mercury> Knghtbrd: You're the dealer... <G>
*** Knghtbrd is now known as QuackDealer
<knghtbrd> is it a sign of mental illness to wander aimlessly through the
           start map, collect your Thunderbolt, hop in the pool, and gib
           yourself with it just to see your head buouce when it falls
           through the bottom of the pool?  =>
<knghtbrd> "You know you're a Quake addict when ..."
<Zoid> I still think you guys are nuts merging Q and QW. :P
<knghtbrd> Of course we're nuts.  Even John said so.  =>
<taniwha> Zoid: we're nuts, but we're productive nuts:)
<Endy> Actually, I think I'll wait for potato to be finalised before
       installing debian.
<Endy> That should be soon, I'm hoping. :)
<knghtbrd> Endy: You obviously know very little about Debian.
Nothing is a problem once you debug the code.
        -- John Carmack
<devkev> yeah i saw the lightning gun and where you were going, thinking
         you were gonna kick some ass :)
<devkev> didnt realise it would be your own :)
Tagline, you're it!
<Endy> taniwha: Have you TESTED this one? :)
<taniwha> Endy: of course not
It's not?  Are you saying that you SHOULD allow people (other than William
Wallace) to shoot lightning bolts from their arse?
        -- Seth Galbraith
<Mercury> You don't have to be crazy to be a member of the project, but
          you will be.. <=:]
<theoddone33> What's this message on my screen,
<theoddone33>   so blue, so blue, what could it mean?
<theoddone33> Could you, would you press Delete,
<theoddone33>   Ctrl and Alt and then repeat.
<gorgo> what do you get when someone cracks your debian machine ?
<gorgo> mashed potato...
<Espy> I invoke Espy's law, which states that you all suck :P
<Knghtbrd> QF is going to get zipfile support today
<Coderjoe> heh... infozip?
<Knghtbrd> If I'm lucky yes
<Deek> knghtbrd: You're kidding, right? ;)
* Deek takes away Knghtbrd's crack pipe. ;)
=== This letter is the Honor System Virus ====
If you are running a Macintosh, OS/2, Unix, or
Linux computer, please randomly delete
several files from your hard disk drive and
forward this message to everyone you know.
==============================================
if (me != you)        // FIXME: probably always true, delete?
    for (n = 0; n < who_knows_what; n++) {
        answer = DoSomething (withthis[n]);
        if (answer == foobar) {
            GetLost (n);
            break;
        }
    }
<Knghtbrd> Yorick: no problem with indexed color palettes for images, as
           long as you can pick the palette
<Yorick> Obviously the people creating quake were colour-blind but that
         doesn't mean you have to be
<rebelpacket> hey, quick question, is there any way to speed up the
              performance of uquake-x11?
<Deek> rebelpacket: If you want to accelerate it, throw it harder.
<netgod> you know
<netgod> its really sad when the internic itself cant configure DNS
         servers right
<netgod> it just doesnt get any more pathetic than that
<Knghtbrd> Even with overbrights, Quake's color palette is full of dull,
           flat colors
<LordHavoc> knghtbrd: quake's palette is very vibrant unless you use gamma
            correction
<LordHavoc> well actually I agree, it's nowhere near as vibrant as Unreal
<Deek> Q3 on the other hand...NEON.
<LordHavoc> Q3 is just ridiculous
<Deek> Q3 takes the medieval church-dungeon and puts it in Vegas.
<Deek> "A good programmer can write FORTRAN in any language."
<Deek> knghtbrd has proven that you can write C++ in any language too.
       <grin>
<Mercury> We are currently considdering if we should give him or prize, or
          kill him..
<Mercury> (Of course, by all rights, this means we should give him the
          prize, and then kill him.. <G>)
$you = new YOU;
honk() if $you->love(perl)
        -- Seen on Slashdot
<BenC> CosmicRay: you complete me
<BenC> err...
<CosmicRay> heh
* BenC goes back to coding
* elmo looks at benc
<elmo> something we should know about you and cosmicray, Ben? :)
* joeyh_ wonders if linux is supposed to lock up when you ask 100
  processes to cat the entire cd drive
<pretzelgod> knghtbrd: Quake should support xray vision, dammit
<knghtbrd> pretzelgod: ftp://ftp.cdrom.com/pub/quake/partial_conversions/
           xrated/i_am_old_enough_to_look_at_this
<knghtbrd> ... you asked ...
<CosmicRay> haha, that is a real directory
<Knghtbrd> I SNEAK TO BUN
<Knghtbrd> HELP ME FOR TO QUACK
<Venom> kb: what the hell are you talking about?
<Knghtbrd> bwahahaha..  It's a long story.
<WildCode> Mercury, isn't debugging X a little like finding perfectly
           bugfree code in windows ??
<Mercury> WildCode: Debugging X is like trying to run a straight line
          through a maze.
<Mercury> You just need to bend space-time so that the corners move around
          you and you won't have any problems. (=:]
<miguel> `You have been unsubscribed from the high energy personal
         protection devices mailing list'
<miguel> I dont remember getting into the mailing list
<Culus_> We are also hoping to release a version of linux where shell is
         replaced by perl to a large degree.  Adding to that, there are a
         few of us who would like to see a pure perl platform.. PerlOS :)
* Culus_ looks on in horror
<mstone> Culus_: on the up side, you can type damn near anything in at the
         command prompt :)
<mao> why do they insist on ading -Werror...
<Misty-chan> Mesa would not compile out of the box if it were done by you
             guys ;)
<knghtbrd> Uh, Mesa DOESN'T compile out of the box most of the time.
<Deek> nopcode: No, it isn't. Win32 lacks the equivalent of fork().
<Knghtbrd> Deek: windoze is not meant for people who should have access to
           sharp objects, hence no fork()
<Knghtbrd> instead, you must rely on spoon()
<Knghtbrd> This font is starting to come out very nicely
<stu> Knghtbrd: oh dear, are you hacking up another quake font in vi? :)
<doogie> Culus: my bug with openssh appears to be fixed in 2.5.2, but
         master runs 2.3.0
<Culus> Don't even start
<doogie> I just did.
<Culus> You guys are going to drive me to build a huge giant robot and
        destroy all of texas, aren't you?
* Equivalent code is available from RSA Data Security, Inc.
* This code has been tested against that, and is equivalent,
* except that you don't need to include two pages of legalese
* with every copy.
        -- public domain MD5 source
<Mercury> Someone fix it.
<Despair> committed
<Knghtbrd> Despair: Mercury?
<Despair> Knghtbrd: he's tired, made a mistake, wanted someone to undo it.
<Knghtbrd> Despair: so you had him committed?
<Despair> Knghtbrd: well, dedicated anyways.
<taniwha> Knghtbrd: it's not bloat if it's used
<Knghtbrd> taniwha: how do you explain windoze then?
<taniwha> Knghtbrd: most of it is used only as ballast to make sure your
          harddrive is full
<Knghtbrd> taniwha: ballast...  Isn't that what makes subs sink to the
           bottom of the ocean?
<Knghtbrd> taniwha: that would explain why winboxes are always going down.
<Knghtbrd> It is when the example source won't compile ...
<``Erik> then you fucked something up
<Knghtbrd> Nope, I followed their instructions
<``Erik> that may've been your problem :}
<|Rain|> I *love* SWB!!
<|Rain|> Or, press 5 to speak to a representitive..
<|Rain|> *5*
<|Rain|> You are being transferred, please hold...
<|Rain|> ...
<|Rain|> ...
<|Rain|> We're sorry, this number can not be completed as dialed.
<|Rain|> Please check the number and try again.
<SirDibos> Culus: are you awake?
<Culus> no
<Mercury> LordHavoc: I'm already insane.
<Coderjoe> damn straight. or curvy, crooked, or what have you
<Midgar> From all the sterotypes about Aussies, I figure you guys are
         really tough.
<Midgar> ;p
<krusto> we'll throw koala's at you
<|Rain|> *nod* I'm not fond of using smarthosts, myself
<|Rain|> as it relies on both the remote host and your host being smart
<|Rain|> and too often you miss one of both of those goals
<|Rain|> Knghtbrd: let me give you access to the zone files
<Knghtbrd> oh gods - you do realize I have never played with bind right?
<|Rain|> uhoh :)
Isn't it embarrassing when you have to go to the drugstore for some
"special items", and when you're checking out, the cashier looks at you
like, "oh, I know what YOU'RE doing tonight..."

Yep, that cashier read all the signs... canned chicken soup, TheraFlu,
Halls, NyQuil, the bigass bottles of OJ and grapefruit juice... he knew
and I knew that I had a date with the teevee and a down comforter. Awww
yeah.
        -- Elizabeth Kirkindall
In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really
good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change
their minds and you never hear that old view from them again.  They really
do it.  It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are
human and change is sometimes painful.  But it happens every day.  I cannot
recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.
        -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
<knghtbrd> add a GF2/3, a sizable hard drive, and a 15" flat panel and
           you've got a pretty damned portable machine.
<Coderjoe> a GeForce Two-Thirds?
<knghtbrd> Coderjoe: yes, a GeForce two-thirds, ie, any card from ATI.
<krogoth> Kgnghtbrd: I wouldn't kow, I see no need for a spellchecker yet
<Knghtbrd> you were saying?
<Knghtbrd> I'd better put the incriminating stuff into code:  ahfuiovka
           ikperoa edfr ade 9 enbuw ejasxleme ka iena df4mesa
<Knghtbrd> If you can decrypt that, you're a better cryptographer than I
           am.  =)
<Knghtbrd> "... you will more than likely see all kinds of compiler
           warnings scrolling by on the screen. These are normal and can
           be safely ignored."
<LordHavoc> Knghtbrd: is that a note attached to some M$ code?
<Knghtbrd> No, it's a note about a bunch of GNU stuff.
<StevenK> You're rewriting parts of Quake in *Python*?
<knghtbrd> MUAHAHAHA
<hop_> i had something that i think was chicken that was coated with a red
       paste that seemed to be composed of lye based on how much of my
       tounge it burned away.
<hop_> our friend who is Indian said this is why most Indians are thin
       and i quote "It doesn't take very much of this food to get you
       satisfied enoguh to stop eating."
<Intention> "It's classic percolate-up economics, recognizing that money
            is like manure: It works best if you spread it around."
<Knghtbrd> Intention: Carter's correlation: People with lots of either
           usually smell funny
<Intention> Knghtbrd: You SO win.
A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
into trees.  At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
forest, with identical results.  They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
        "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
apologized the rabbit.
        "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
problem!"
        "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
you think you could help me find out?"
        "I'll try," said the snake.  He gently coiled himself around the
rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
and long ears.  You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
        "Great!" said the rabbit.  "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
        "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either.  Do you
suppose you could try and tell me?"
        The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake.  "Well, you're low, cold
and slimey..."  And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
no balls.  You must be an attorney!"
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender.  One
evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
the back door.  Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base.  This proved too
much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
        Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
after the last customers had gone.  Approaching the back door he was startled
to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
        Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't.  You know
the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
        A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do
all day?"
        Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
        "That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
        Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
        "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
        Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
        The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
        Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney.  But how do
you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
        A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
        The housewife replied, "Four!".
        The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4.  Let me run those figures
through my spread sheet one more time."
        The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
        A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
"Do you serve lawyers here?".
        "Sure do," replied the bartender.
        "Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
my 'gator."
        A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
        After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
to be created."
        "This is true," He replied.
        "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
        "What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
right to make his laws?"
        "Oh, no!"  Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
make his own."
        It was so granted.
                -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded summation,
leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your arguments, Sir
Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey responded, "That may be,
Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda
decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
suspects who are innocent of a crime.  That's contradictory.  If a person
is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
                -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to
do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with
the judges.
                -- Beyond the Fringe
[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:

(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
    confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
    a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
    of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
    including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
    cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker
    factory puts them there.
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
    announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
    piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always
    get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
    state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
    where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
    fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
    vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
    impression.
                -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.
But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
Dial-A-Wombat.
        It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
        Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
        But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
        The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
        Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
another phone booth.
        There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
        The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
released it, too, in the scrub.
        But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
        After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
        Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
telephone booths.
                -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980.
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an
affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting
few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
        "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
        "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan.  During an
impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.

DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
         having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
DINGELL: They may or may not be natural.  The simple fact of the matter
         is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
         large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
         amounts of fertilization ...
HOFFMAN: Wait a minute!  I do not want to go into that.  There are many
         teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:

Q:  Are you married?
A:  No, I'm divorced.
Q:  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A:  A lot of things I didn't know about.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:

Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:

Q:  You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
    and you didn't scream?
A:  No ma'am.
Q:  Does that mean you consented?
A:  No, ma'am.  That means I was unconscious.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:

THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
           information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ...
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:

Q:  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A:  I will be three months November 8th.
Q:  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A:  Yes.
Q:  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:

Q:  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
    able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
    go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
    him to the station?
MR. BROOKS:  Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7:

Q:  What happened then?
A:  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q:  Did he kill you?
A:  No.
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
        God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.
        When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you
think you're going to find a lawyer?"
"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As you
can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal height
on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have a car
or a job?  Do you ever walk around?  If so, you probably have the makings of
an excellent legal case.  Although of course every case is different, I
would definitely say that based on my experience and training, there's no
reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a cabin
cruiser.

"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our motto
is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
                -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
        How do you insult a lawyer?
        You might as well not even try.  Consider: of all the highly
trained and educated professions, law is the only one in which the prime
lesson is that *winning* is more important than *truth*.
        Once someone has sunk to that level, what worse can you say about them?
Humor in th Court:
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Humor in the Court:
Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.? What school do
    you go to?
A.  Oral.
Q.  How old are you?
A.  Oral.
Humor in the Court:
Q.  And who is this person you are speaking of?
A.  My ex-widow said it.
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A.  No.
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A.  I should be.
Q.  How many times have you comitted suicide?
A.  Four times.
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Humor in the Court:
Q.  Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A.  Yes, sir.
Q.  Before or after he died?
Humor in the Court:
Q.  What is your brother-in-law's name?
A.  Borofkin.
Q.  What's his first name?
A.  I can't remember.
Q.  He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first
    name?
A.  No.  I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
    pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first
    name!
Humor in the Court:
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Humor in the Court:
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Humor in the Court:
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Humor in the Court:
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Humor in the Court:
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Humor in the Court:
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was
   a victim?
Humor in the Court:
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
   with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
   of my head.
Humor in the Court:
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
   witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Humor in the Court:
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch--and
   she did!
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
are worth considering, to wit:

[131.16d]:
       "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
        inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
        a U-turn on a divided highway."

[96.7b]:
       "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
        quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
        traveling more than 60 MPH."

[110.13]:
       "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
        to interfere with oncoming traffic."
I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
are worth considering, to wit:

[173.15b]:
        "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember
        that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way."

[141.2a]:
       "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6'
        parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into
        a 5' parking space."

[105.31]:
       "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly.
        Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong."
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a
loaf of bread.  However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to
you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty
lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy.  If you stole a dog
and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it
was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
        It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air
balloon to cross the United States.  After forty hours in the air, George
turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course!  We
need to find out where we are."
        Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the
cloud cover.  Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man
standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me!  Can you please tell me
where we are?"
        The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately
fifty feet in the air!"
        George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer".
        Replies Harry, "How can you tell?".
        "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
useless!"

That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about
George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the
New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys.  Seems that there are not
only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached.  The only
difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
results to humans.

        [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do.  Ed.]
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
Mental Anguish.  You would sue:

* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
  section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
  into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
  in there".

* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
  cretin like yourself.

* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
  case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
  a large cash settlement anyway.
                -- Dave Barry
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a
law against it by that time.
New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
        Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train
demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his
testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark,
and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid
no attention to the signal.
        The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company
complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said,
"I was afraid you would waver under testimony."
        "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned
lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit."
                        Pittsburgh driver's test
                        
(10) Potholes are

        (a) extremely dangerous.
        (b) patriotic.
        (c) the fault of the previous administration.
        (d) all going to be fixed next summer.

The correct answer is (b). Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican,
imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars.  If you drive a
big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about.
                        Pittsburgh driver's test

(2) A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should

        (a) stop immediately.
        (b) proceed slowly through the intersection.
        (c) blow the horn.
        (d) floor it.

The correct answer is (d). If you said (c), you were almost right, so
give yourself a half point.
                        Pittsburgh driver's test

(3) When stopped at an intersection you should

        (a) watch the traffic light for your lane.
        (b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street.
        (c) blow the horn.
        (d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street.

The correct answer is (d). You need to start as soon as the traffic light
for the intersecting street turns yellow. Answer (c) is worth a half point.
                        Pittsburgh driver's test

(4) Exhaust gas is

        (a) beneficial.
        (b) not harmful.
        (c) toxic.
        (d) a punk band.

The correct answer is (b). The meddling Washington eco-freak communist
bureaucrats who say otherwise are liars.  (Message to those who answered (d).
Go back to California where you came from.  Your kind are not welcome here.)
                        Pittsburgh driver's test

(5) Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment.  How often should
you test it?

        (a) once a year.
        (b) once a month.
        (c) once a day.
        (d) once an hour.

The correct answer is (d). You should test your car's horn at least once
every hour, and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods.
                        Pittsburgh Driver's Test

(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
    but a steady left tail light.  This means

        (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
            to call the problem to the driver's attention.
        (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
        (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
        (d) the driver is from out of town.

The correct answer is (d).  Tail lights are used in some foreign
countries to signal turns.
                        Pittsburgh Driver's Test

(8) Pedestrians are

        (a) irrelevant.
        (b) communists.
        (c) a nuisance.
        (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.

The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on
a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
Welcome to Utah.
If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.

Step number 3 is of particular importance.  If you leave the guy alive
out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
to support him for the rest of his rotten life.  In court he will plead
that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
poor.  In that lawsuit, you will lose.  If, on the other hand, you kill
him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
story; forget Mother Teresa.  Second, even if you lose, how much could
the bum's life be worth anyway?  A Lot less than 50 years worth of
paralysis.  Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein.  Finish the job.
        -- G. Gordon Liddy's "Forbes" column on personal security
(1) Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood.
(2) If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts.
(3) Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move.
(4) Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as
        the social ramble ain't restful.
(5) Avoid running at all times.
(6) Don't look back, something might be gaining on you.
                -- S. Paige, c. 1951
A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such
a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now.  But the
sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will
know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons.
                -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk.
        "It is right before your eyes," said the master.
        "Why do I not see it for myself?"
        "Because you are thinking of yourself."
        "What about you: do you see it?"
        "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so
on, your eyes are clouded," said the master.
        "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?"
        "When there is neither `I' nor `You',
who is the one that wants to see it?"
A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  "It is out on
loan," the teacher replied.  At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside
the stable.  "But I can hear it bray, over there."  "Whom do you believe,"
asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
        And the Master answered:
        It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
        It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City
to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns
have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
        And that is Fate?  said the priest.
        Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
        That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know
what Freight was too.
                -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
vocation?"
        The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
their minds.  Others must use thier strong backs, legs and hands.  This is
the same in nature as it is with man.  Some animals acquire their food easily,
such as rabbits, hogs and goats.  Other animals must fiercely struggle for
their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants.  So you see, the nature of
the vocation must fit the individual.
        "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
scholar sobbed.
        Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side.  Knowing
that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
watched the teacher closely.  "Why do you blow on your hands?"  "To warm
myself in the cold."  Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
and the newcomer, and blew on his own.  "Why are you doing that, Master?"
"To cool the soup."  Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.
All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.
                -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a
Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks,
tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks:
"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm."
                -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You"
        Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
        took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of
his followers.
        One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
        "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile?  What is your
Purpose in Life, anyway?"
        Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU".  (The
Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
        Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
        Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
                -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to
know the answers.
                -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
Certainly the game is rigged.

Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
                -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
        "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which way I
ought to go from here?"
        "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
        "I don't care much where--" said Alice.
        "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
                -- R. Geis
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death is only a state of mind.

Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help
the rabbit.
                -- R.E. Shay
Do not despair of life.  You have no doubt force enough to overcome your
obstacles.  Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night
for something to satisfy his hunger.  Notwithstanding cold and hounds and
traps, his race survives.  I do not believe any of them ever committed suicide.
                -- Henry David Thoreau
Do not seek death; death will find you.  But seek the road which makes death
a fulfillment.
                -- Dag Hammarskjold
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
Do what you can to prolong your life, in the hope that someday you'll
learn what it's for.
        "Do you think there's a God?"
        "Well, ____SOMEbody's out to get me!"
                -- Calvin and Hobbs
Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
and captain of your soul.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  My advice to you is to have
nothing whatever to do with it.
                -- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words
Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have
drawn them there.  What you choose to do with them is up to you.
                -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
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Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
                -- Oscar Levant
He has shown you, o man, what is good.  And what does the Lord ask of you,
but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly before your God?
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
if you're alive, it isn't.
How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our
thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another
in the waking state?
                -- Plato
I hope you're not pretending to be evil while secretly being good.
That would be dishonest.
        "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
otherwise.'"
                -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around.
Trouble creates a capacity to handle it.  I don't say embrace trouble; that's
as bad as treating it as an enemy.  But I do say meet it as a friend, for
you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it.
                -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time.  I
would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this
trip.  I know of very few things I would take seriously.  I would be crazier.
I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets.  I'd
travel and see.  I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.
You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly
and sanely, hour after hour, day after day.  Oh, I have had my moments and,
if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them.  In fact, I'd try to
have nothing else.  Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many
years ahead each day.  I have been one of those people who never go anywhere
without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute.
If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel
lighter than I have.  If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed
earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.  I would play hooky
more.  I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more.  I would
ride on more merry-go-rounds.  I'd pick more daisies.
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women
you've got in the house.
                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
If men are not afraid to die,
it is of no avail to threaten them with death.

If men live in constant fear of dying,
And if breaking the law means a man will be killed,
Who will dare to break the law?

There is always an official executioner.
If you try to take his place,
It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood.
If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter,
        you will only hurt your hand.
                -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74"
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
If you are for yourself, then what are you?
If not now, when?
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
If you find a solution and become attached to it, the solution may become
your next problem.
If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break.
If you have to hate, hate gently.
If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.
                -- Simone de Beauvoir
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
                -- Maslow
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having done its damage.
If it was bad, it will be back.
If you want divine justice, die.
                -- Nick Seldon
If your aim in life is nothing, you can't miss.
If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do
have a problem.
                -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is;
you're what's left.
In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
It is not always an easy sacrifice.
In the next world, you're on your own.
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never know when everything may
suddenly stop happening.
Joshu:        What is the true Way?
Nansen:        Every way is the true Way.
J:        Can I study it?
N:        The more you study, the further from the Way.
J:        If I don't study it, how can I know it?
N:        The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen.
        It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown.  Do
        not seek it, study it, or name it.  To find yourself on it, open
        yourself as wide as the sky.
Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.
                -- Buckaroo Bonzai
Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
Life is like a sewer.  What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
                -- Tom Lehrer
Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.
                -- Joseph Pintauro
Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, it may have a meaning of which
you disapprove.
Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
                -- Dag Hammarskjold
Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is
published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.
                -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
        Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do,
and how to be, I learned in kindergarten.  Wisdom was not at the top of the
graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
        These are the things I learned:  Share everything.  Play fair.  Don't
hit people.  Put things back where you found them.  Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.   Say you're sorry when you hurt someone.
Wash your hands before you eat.  Flush.  Warm cookies and cold milk are good
for you.  Live a balanced life.  Learn some and think some and draw and paint
and sing and dance and play and work some every day.
        Take a nap every afternoon.  When you go out into the world, watch for
traffic, hold hands, and stick together.  Be aware of wonder.  Remember the
little seed in the plastic cup.   The roots go down and the plant goes up and
nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.  Goldfish and
hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all
die.  So do we.
        And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you
learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK.  Everything you need to know is in
there somewhere.  The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation.  Ecology and
politics and sane living.
        Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world
-- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with
our blankets for a nap.  Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other
nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own
messes.  And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into
the world it is best to hold hands and stick together.
                -- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned
                   in kindergarten"
Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
gathered around to hear what had passed.  "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
only want to say that the King spoke to me."  All the villagers but the
stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news.  The remaining villager
asked, "What did the King say to you?"  "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
were spoken to.
Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve
him.  Nasrudin said, "First things first.  Did you see me walk into your
shop?"
        "Of course."
        "Have you ever seen me before?"
        "Never."
        "Then how do you know it was me?"
Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from his
hand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!  You
have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would.
The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.
                -- Augustine
No use getting too involved in life -- you're only here for a limited time.
        Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great
crystal river.  Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs
and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and
resisting the current what each had learned from birth.  But one creature
said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going.  I shall
let go, and let it take me where it will.  Clinging, I shall die of boredom."
        The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool!  Let go, and that current
you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will
die quicker than boredom!"
        But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at
once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.  Yet, in time,
as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the
bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
        And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See
a miracle!  A creature like ourselves, yet he flies!  See the Messiah, come
to save us all!"  And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more
Messiah than you.  The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go.
Our true work is this voyage, this adventure.
        But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the
rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
                -- Richard Bach
Once you've tried to change the world you find it's a whole bunch easier
to change your mind.
        One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
an enlightened state.  Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
went to speak with him.
        "We have heard that you are enlightened.  Is this true?" his fellow
students inquired.
        "It is", Kyogen answered.
        "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
        "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.
One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the
truth.  A gallows was erected in front of the city gates.  A herald announced,
"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question
which will be put to him."  Nasrudin was first in line.  The captain of the
guard asked him, "Where are you going?  Tell the truth -- the alternative
is death by hanging."
        "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows."
        "I don't believe you."
        "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!"
        "But that would make it the truth!"
        "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How will it
live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, I'll tell you."
Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
                -- Baba Ram Dass
Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.
                -- Laurie Anderson
Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".
                -- Philip K. Dick
Seeing is believing.  You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
no means the only 'certain' standard.  If you mistake what is relative for
something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
                -- Chuang Tzu
Take your dying with some seriousness, however.  Laughing on the way to
your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
and they'll call you crazy.
                -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
The best you get is an even break.
                -- Franklin Adams
The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
                -- Alfred Adler
The farther you go, the less you know.
                -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
The truth you speak has no past and no future.  It is, and that's all it
needs to be.
The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums.
It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish.
You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.
                -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said
a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat.
        "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with
an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin.
        "I could have answered it if I had been there."
        "Very well.  He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
the middle of the night?'"
To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
To lead people, you must follow behind.
                -- Lao Tsu
Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things,
with all due respect for their breakfast.  "I wonder why it is that
toast always falls on the buttered side," said one.
        "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing.  Look
at this."  And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the
dry side.
        "So, what have you to say for your theory now?"
        "What am I to say?  You obviously buttered the wrong side."
"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is
weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me
the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious,
unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept
responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous
desert, in this marvelous time.  I wanted to convince you that you must
learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a
short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it."
                -- Don Juan
Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.
                -- Buckaroo Banzai
Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
                -- Gandhi
When it's dark enough you can see the stars.
                -- Ralph Waldo Emerson,
When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later
something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
your parents' limitations...  At the same time, you feel sure that in all
the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
vital something that can be known -- known and grasped.  That we will
eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
narrative.  So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
But it isn't like that at all.  But if it isn't, where did the idea come
from, to torture and unsettle us?
                -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.
                -- Brooke Shields
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
                -- J. Winter Smith
        Work Hard.
        Rock Hard.
        Eat Hard.
        Sleep Hard.
        Grow Big.
        Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em.
                -- The Webb Wilder Credo
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
You are never given a wish without also being given the
power to make it true.  You may have to work for it, however.
                -- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for
                   the Advanced Soul"
You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.
                -- Tim Leary
You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
                -- Jeannette Rankin
You can observe a lot just by watching.
                -- Yogi Berra
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
You can't get there from here.
You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
You can't push on a string.
You can't run away forever,
But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.
                -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
                -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
                   Over and Over"
You can't take it with you -- especially when crossing a state line.
You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads
lead down.
                -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.
                -- Lois Platford
You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are.
If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.
                -- Lewis Carroll
        "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you
any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you
fit to hear his view of things?"
        "Quite the contrary.  You must defend your integrity, assuming
you have integrity to defend.  But you must defend it nobly, not by
imitating his own low behavior.  If you are gentle where he is rough,
if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as
potentially worthy.  If he does not, then he is not a master, after all,
and you may feel free to kick his ass."
                -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
You will always find something in the last place you look.
"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said.  "Anything that seems
of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note.
Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care.
Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important,
give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less
momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method.  You will strengthen
yourself in this way."
                -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman"
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself.  Being
true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the
mark of a fake messiah.  The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born?  Where is your home?  Where are you going?  What
are you doing?  Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers
change.
                -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
You may be marching to the beat of a different drummer, but you're
still in the parade.
Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.
                -- Jean-Paul Sartre
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
     --Mahatma Gandhi
I am what you will be; I was what you are.
"How do you pronounce SunOS?"  "Just like you hear it, with a big SOS"
        -- dedicated to Roland Kaltefleiter
We are MicroSoft.  You will be assimilated.  Resistance is futile.
        -- Attributed to B.G., Gill Bates
> The day people think linux would be better served by somebody else (FSF
> being the natural alternative), I'll "abdicate".  I don't think that
> it's something people have to worry about right now - I don't see it
> happening in the near future.  I enjoy doing linux, even though it does
> mean some work, and I haven't gotten any complaints (some almost timid
> reminders about a patch I have forgotten or ignored, but nothing
> negative so far).
>
> Don't take the above to mean that I'll stop the day somebody complains:
> I'm thick-skinned (Lasu, who is reading this over my shoulder commented
> that "thick-HEADED is closer to the truth") enough to take some abuse.
> If I weren't, I'd have stopped developing linux the day ast ridiculed me
> on c.o.minix.  What I mean is just that while linux has been my baby so
> far, I don't want to stand in the way if people want to make something
> better of it (*).
>
>                 Linus
>
> (*) Hey, maybe I could apply for a saint-hood from the Pope.  Does
> somebody know what his email-address is? I'm so nice it makes you puke.
        -- Taken from Linus's reply to someone worried about the future of Linux
When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at
you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*".
        -- Linus Torvalds
Note that if I can get you to "su and say" something just by asking,
you have a very serious security problem on your system and you should
look into it.
        -- Paul Vixie, vixie-cron 3.0.1 installation notes
I'd crawl over an acre of 'Visual This++' and 'Integrated Development
That' to get to gcc, Emacs, and gdb.  Thank you.
        -- Vance Petree, Virginia Power
If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot
of different places, just write a Unix operating system.
        -- Linus Torvalds
...you might as well skip the Xmas celebration completely, and instead
sit in front of your linux computer playing with the all-new-and-improved
linux kernel version.
        -- Linus Torvalds
Besides, I think Slackware sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you?
        -- Patrick Volkerding
And the next time you consider complaining that running Lucid Emacs
19.05 via NFS from a remote Linux machine in Paraguay doesn't seem to
get the background colors right, you'll know who to thank.
        -- Matt Welsh
What you end up with, after running an operating system concept through
these many marketing coffee filters, is something not unlike plain hot
water.
        -- Matt Welsh
..you could spend *all day* customizing the title bar.  Believe me.  I
speak from experience.
        -- Matt Welsh
[In 'Doctor' mode], I spent a good ten minutes telling Emacs what I
thought of it.  (The response was, 'Perhaps you could try to be less
abusive.')
        -- Matt Welsh
I still maintain the point that designing a monolithic kernel in 1991 is a
fundamental error.  Be thankful you are not my student.  You would not get a
high grade for such a design :-)
        -- Andrew Tanenbaum to Linus Torvalds
And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports
on it, you know they are just evil lies.
        -- Linus Torvalds
We are Pentium of Borg.  Division is futile.  You will be approximated.
        -- seen in someone's .signature
The chat program is in public domain.  This is not the GNU public license.
If it breaks then you get to keep both pieces.
        -- Copyright notice for the chat program
But what can you do with it?
        -- ubiquitous cry from Linux-user partner
LILO, you've got me on my knees!
        -- David Black, dblack@pilot.njin.net, with apologies to Derek and the
Dominos, and Werner Almsberger
Now I know someone out there is going to claim, "Well then, UNIX is intuitive,
because you only need to learn 5000 commands, and then everything else follows
from that! Har har har!"
        -- Andy Bates on "intuitive interfaces", slightly defending Macs
Who wants to remember that escape-x-alt-control-left shift-b puts you into
super-edit-debug-compile mode?
        -- Discussion on the intuitiveness of commands, especially Emacs
Now, it we had this sort of thing:
  yield -a     for yield to all traffic
  yield -t     for yield to trucks
  yield -f     for yield to people walking (yield foot)
  yield -d t*  for yield on days starting with t

...you'd have a lot of dead people at intersections, and traffic jams you
wouldn't believe...
        -- Discussion on the intuitiveness of commands
On the Internet, no one knows you're using Windows NT
        -- Submitted by Ramiro Estrugo, restrugo@fateware.com
As usual, this being a 1.3.x release, I haven't even compiled this
kernel yet.  So if it works, you should be doubly impressed.
        -- Linus Torvalds, announcing kernel 1.3.3
Eh, that's it, I guess.  No 300 million dollar unveiling event for this
kernel, I'm afraid, but you're still supposed to think of this as the
"happening of the century" (at least until the next kernel comes along).
        -- Linus, in the announcement for 1.3.27
When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows', people just stare at
you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*'.
        -- Linus Torvalds
Never trust an operating system you don't have sources for. ;-)
        -- Unknown source
Convention organizer to Linus Torvalds: "You might like to come with us
to some licensed[1] place, and have some pizza."

Linus: "Oh, I did not know that you needed a license to eat pizza".

[1] Licenced - refers in Australia to a restaurant which has government
licence to sell liquor.
        -- Linus at a talk at the Melbourne University
Footnotes are for things you believe don't really belong in LDP manuals,
but want to include anyway.
        -- Joel N. Weber II discussing the 'make' chapter of LPG
Eh, that's it, I guess.  No 300 million dollar unveiling event for this
kernel, I'm afraid, but you're still supposed to think of this as the
"happening of the century" (at least until the next kernel comes along).
Oh, and this is another kernel in that great and venerable "BugFree(tm)"
series of kernels. So be not afraid of bugs, but go out in the streets
and deliver this message of joy to the masses.
        -- Linus Torvalds, on releasing 1.3.27
Go not unto the Usenet for advice, for you will be told both yea and nay (and
quite a few things that just have nothing at all to do with the question).
        -- seen in a .sig somewhere
I forgot to mention an important fact in the 1.3.67 announcement. In order to
get a fully working kernel, you have to follow the steps below:
- Walk around your computer widdershins 3 times, chanting "Linus is
   overworked, and he makes lousy patches, but we love him anyway". Get
   your spuouse to do this too for extra effect.  Children are optional.
- Apply the patch included in this mail
- Call your system "Super-67", and don't forget to unapply the patch
   before you later applying the official 1.3.68 patch.
- reboot
        -- Linus Torvalds, announcing another kernel patch
The new Linux anthem will be "He's an idiot, but he's ok", as performed by
Monthy Python.  You'd better start practicing.
        -- Linus Torvalds, announcing another kernel patch
How do you power off this machine?
        -- Linus, when upgrading linux.cs.helsinki.fi, and after using the machine for several months
> You know you are "there" when you are known by your first name, and
> are recognized.
> Lemmie see, there is Madonna, and Linus, and ..... help me out here!
Bill ? ;-)
        -- From some postings on comp.os.linux.misc
MS-DOS, you can't live with it, you can live without it.
        -- from Lars Wirzenius' .sig
> If you don't need X then little VT-100 terminals are available for real
> cheap.  Should be able to find decent ones used for around $40 each.
> For that price, they're a must for the kitchen, den, bathrooms, etc.. :)
You're right. Can you explain this to my wife?
        -- Seen on c.o.l.development.system, on the subject of extra terminals
> Is there any hope for me? Am I just thick? Does anyone remember the
> Rubiks Cube, it was easier!
I found that the Rubiks cube and Linux are alike. Looks real confusing
until you read the right book. :-)
        -- seen on c.o.l.misc, about the "Linux Learning Curve"
> I've hacked the Xaw3d library to give you a Win95 like interface and it
> is named Xaw95. You can replace your Xaw3d library.
Oh God, this is so disgusting!
        -- seen on c.o.l.development.apps, about the "Win95 look-alike"
Besides, its really not worthwhile to use more than two times your physical
ram in swap (except in a select few situations). The performance of the system
becomes so abysmal you'd rather heat pins under your toenails while reciting
Windows95 source code and staring at porn flicks of Bob Dole than actually try
to type something.
        -- seen on c.o.l.development.system, about the size of the swap space
> I get the following error messages at bootup, could anyone tell me
> what they mean?
> fcntl_setlk() called by process 51 (lpd) with broken flock() emulation
They mean that you have not read the documentation when upgrading the
kernel.
        -- seen on c.o.l.misc
Q: Would you like to see the WINE list?
A: What's on it, anything expensive?
Q: No, just Solitaire and MineSweeper for now, but the WINE is free.
        -- Kevin M. Bealer, about the WINdows Emulator
So in the future, one 'client' at a time or you'll be spending CPU time with
lots of little 'child processes'.
        -- Kevin M. Bealer, commenting on the private life of a Linux nerd
By the way, I can hardly feel sorry for you... All last night I had to listen
to her tears, so great they were redirected to a stream.  What?  Of _course_
you didn't know.  You and your little group no longer have any permissions
around here.  She changed her .lock files, too.
        -- Kevin M. Bealer, commenting on the private life of a Linux nerd
In short, at least give the penguin a fair viewing. If you still don't
like it, that's ok: that's why I'm boss. I simply know better than you do.
        -- Linus "what, me arrogant?" Torvalds, on c.o.l.advocacy
"... being a Linux user is sort of like living in a house inhabited
by a large family of carpenters and architects. Every morning when
you wake up, the house is a little different. Maybe there is a new
turret, or some walls have moved. Or perhaps someone has temporarily
removed the floor under your bed." - Unix for Dummies, 2nd Edition
        -- found in the .sig of Rob Riggs, rriggs@tesser.com
It's easy to get on the internet and forget you have a life
        -- Topic on #LinuxGER
Linux - Where do you want to fly today?
        -- Unknown source
Also another major deciding factor is availability of source code.
It just gives everybody a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that there is
source code available to the product you are using.  It allows everybody
to improve on the product and fix bugs etc. sooner that the author(s)
would get the time/chance to.
        -- Atif Khan
> Also another major deciding factor is availability of source code.
> It just gives everybody a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that there is
> source code available to the product you are using.  It allows everybody
> to improve on the product and fix bugs etc. sooner that the author(s)
> would get the time/chance to.

I think this is one the really BIG reasons for the snowball/onslaught
of Linux and the wealth of stuff available that gets enhanced faster
than the real vendors can keep up.
        -- Norman
Not only Guinness - Linux is good for you, too.
        -- Banzai on IRC
If you really want pure ASCII, save it as text... or browse
it with your favorite browser...
        -- Alexandre Maret <amaret@infomaniak.ch>
Sorry for mailing this article, I've obviously made a typo (168!=186)
that's the price for being up all night and doing some "quick"
checks before you go to bed ....
        -- Herbert Rosmanith <herp@wildsau.idv.uni-linz.ac.at>
Beeping is cute, if you are in the office ;)
        -- Alan Cox
Win 95 is simplified for the user:

User: What does this configuration thing do?
You: It allows you to modify you settings, for networking,
        hardware, protocols, ...
User: Whoa! Layman's terms, please!
You:  It changes stuff.
User: That's what I'm looking for!  What can it change?
You:  This part change IP forwarding.  It allows ...
User: Simplify, simplify!  What can it do for ME?
You:  Nothing, until you understand it.
User: Well it makes me uncomfortable.  It looks so technical;
      Get rid of it, I want a system *I* can understand.
You:  But...
User: Hey, who's system is this anyway?
You:  (... rm this, rm that, rm /etc/* ...) "All done."
        -- Kevin M. Bealer <kmb203@psu.edu>
Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.
        -- Pablo Picasso
martin@bdsi.com (no longer valid - where are you now, Martin?)
        -- from /usr/src/linux/drivers/cdrom/mcd.c
         Why use Windows when you can have air conditioning?
         Why use Windows, when you can leave through the door?
        -- Konrad Blum
Whoa, first contact!

[...]

Welcome, from the people of Terra (Sol III). We extend our hands in
friendship, and sincerely hope you shall do the same with your
hand-equivelents.
        -- Jason Burrell about a russian posting
"You, sir, are nothing but a pathetically lame salesdroid!
I fart in your general direction!"
        -- Randseed on #Linux
>>> FreeOS is an english-centric name

Have you all been stuck in email, or have any of you tried
*pronouncing* that? free-oh-ess? free-ows? fritos? :-)
        -- Mark Eichin
NEVER RESPOND TO CRITICAL PRESS.  IT IS A GAME YOU CAN ONLY LOSE, AND IT
MAKES US LOOK BAD.
        -- Bruce Perens
Uh... deity is a word, and diety isn't.

Or is it supposed to be one of those recursive acronyms?  Diety Is
Excellent To You.  Deity Eats Icecream That's Yellow.  Diety Is
Eloping To Yokohama.  I'll stop now.
        -- Guy Maor
Computers are like air conditioners.  Both stop working, if you open windows.
        -- Adam Heath
On Netscape GPLing their browser: ``How can you trust a browser that
ANYONE can hack? For the secure choice, choose Microsoft.''
        -- <oryx@pobox.com> in a comment on slashdot.org
Alan Cox wrote:
>> On any procmail new enough not to be full of security holes you set
>Brain on, Imeant majordomo of course 8)
You got me worried there for a brief (very brief) moment :-).
        -- Stephen R. van den Berg (AKA BuGless)
When you have 200 programmers trying to write code for one
product, like Win95 or NT, what you get is a multipule personality
program.  By definition, the real problem is that these programs are
psychotic by nature and make people crazy when they use them.
        -- Joan Brewer on alt.destroy.microsoft
> I thing you're missing the capability of Makefiles.

        It takes several _hours_ to do `make' a second time on my
machine with the latest glibc sources (and no files are recompiled a
second time).  I think I'll remove `build' after changing one file if
I want to recompile it.
        -- Juan Cespedes <cespedes@debian.org>
/*
*     Please skip to the bottom of this file if you ate lunch recently
*                             -- Alan
*/
        -- from Linux kernel pre-2.1.91-1
Linus Torvalds:
> This is the special easter release of linux, more mundanely called 1.3.84
Winfried Truemper:
> Umh, oh. What do you mean by "special easter release"?. Will it quit
> working today and rise on easter?
/*
* Buddy system. Hairy. You really aren't expected to understand this
*
*/
        -- From /usr/src/linux/mm/page_alloc.cA
You will not censor me through bug terrorism.
        -- James Troup
<joost> Do you mean to say that I can read mail with vi too? ;-)
<Joey> Didn't you know that?
<Joey> :r /var/spool/mail/jk
        -- debian-mentors
The truth is not free.  It's that simple.  If you change the truth, it is no
longer true - so the truth is not free!
        -- Jules Bean about freeness of documentation
<alaint> joey--very clever !!!
<alaint> joey--no wonder that Debian is a good distrib with coder like you
        -- Seen on #Debian (referring to my RAID article for the LJ)
<core> i'm glad Debian finally got into
        polar-deep-freeze-we-arent-shitting-you state finally.
        -- Seen on #Debian shortly before the release of Debian 2.0
<dark> Looks like the channel is back to normal :)
<jim> You mean it's not scrolling faster than anyone can read? :)
        -- Seen on #Debian after the release of Debian 2.0
When a float occurs on the same page as the start of a supertabular
you can expect unexpected results.
        -- Documentation of supertabular.sty
I'm telling you that the kernel is stable not because it's a kernel,
but because I refuse to listen to arguments like this.
        -- Linus Torvalds
* dpkg hands stu a huge glass of vbeer
* Joey takes the beer from stu, you're too young ;)
* Cylord takes the beer from Joey, you're too drunk.
* Cylord gives the beer to muggles.
        -- #Debian, celebrating the 5th anniversary
Could somebody drag the Irix team kicking and screaming into the 1980's,
please?

I realize it might be quite painful for them, but maybe you could buy them
a disco tape, so they'd feel a little bit more at home.

                -- Linus "Stayin' alive, stayin' alive" Torvalds
> <magical +3 sigh of hyperbole deflection>

The branden dodges your magical sigh. The branden attacks you with a
slew of words! The branden misses!

        -- Henning Makholm in <yahsmr7dk9k.fsf@pc-043.diku.dk>
(1)        Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
        furniture, shelves, and showcases.
(2)        Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
        Wash the windows once a week.
(3)        Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
        coal for the day's business.
(4)        Make your pens carefully.  You may whittle nibs to your
        individual taste.
(5)        This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
        on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed.  Each
        employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
        church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
                -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
                    Works, 1872
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
ask for it back the when it begins to rain.
                -- Robert Frost
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
A feed salesman is on his way to a farm.  As he's driving along at forty
m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running
alongside him, keeping pace with his car.  He is amazed that a chicken is
running at forty m.p.h.  So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty
m.p.h.  The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly
takes off and disappears into the distance.
        The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know,
the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least
sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!"
        "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours.  You see, there's
me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy.  Whenever we had chicken for
dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens.
So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could
have a drumstick."
        "How do they taste?" said the farmer.
        "Don't know," replied the farmer.  "We haven't been able to catch
one yet."
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while
the policeman searches you.
... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you
were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and
a fly-by-night.  These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle
Bigger Propositions.  But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical
and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot
that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
                -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt"
A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
sitting in the yard watching the pig.  
        "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
        "Sure is, son," the farmer replied.  "Why, two years ago, my daughter
was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
        "Amazing!"  the salesman exlaimed.
        "And that's not the only thing.  Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
the north forty when a tree fell on me.  Pinned me to the ground, it did.  
That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
Saved my life."
        "Fantastic!  the salesman said.  But tell me, how come the pig has
three wooden legs?"
        The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement.  "Mister, when you
got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
everyone should do at least 6 times a day.  In an effort to increase the
national average  (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
most importantly, to smile.  Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
that they can not only meet but surpass the national average...  except for
Tubby Ackerman.  But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
decided to give him a break.  If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
a sheepish grin.  This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
sheepish grin" comes from.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too,
provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you subscribe
to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the
cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief
Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you
going to read the paper?  Outside?  What if it rains?"
                -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
crime?  Who enjoys his job today?  You?  Me?  Anybody?  The only satisfying
part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time.  Years ago
there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
important jobs to come.  Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps.  But nobody
believes he's going to be president anymore.  The more people change jobs
the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
a living and total stupefying boredom.  So why NOT take revenge?  You're not
going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
home stationery carries the company emblem.  Take away crime from the white
collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
                -- J. Feiffer
America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Be sociable. Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
Bullwinkle:        You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the outfit.
General:        What does that make YOU?
Bullwinkle:        What else?  An executive.
                -- Jay Ward
Business is a good game -- lots of competition and minimum of rules.
You keep score with money.
                -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations' paws."
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be
boss and work twelve.
                -- Robert Frost
Column 1                Column 2                Column 3

0. integrated                0. management                0. options
1. total                1. organizational        1. flexibility
2. systematized                2. monitored                2. capability
3. parallel                3. reciprocal                3. mobility
4. functional                4. digital                4. programming
5. responsive                5. logistical                5. concept
6. optional                6. transitional                6. time-phase
7. synchronized                7. incremental                7. projection
8. compatible                8. third-generation        8. hardware
9. balanced                9. policy                9. contingency

        The procedure is simple.  Think of any three-digit number, then select
the corresponding buzzword from each column.  For instance, number 257 produces
"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority.  "No
one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
                -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
Dealing with failure is easy:
        Work hard to improve.
Success is also easy to handle:
        You've solved the wrong problem.
        Work hard to improve.
Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business signs
to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in:
WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY ITEM'S.
Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand- lettered
small-business signs is that you should put quotation marks around random
words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
                -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
        "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
        "Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"
        "I've never done anything illegal before."
        "I thought you said you were an accountant!"
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.
                -- James J. Ling
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are?
Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.  It knows it must run faster
than the fastest lion or it will be killed.  Every morning a lion wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
up, you'd better be running.
Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that
called for a small employee contribution.  The company was paying all
the rest.  Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed;
otherwise the plan was off.  Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded
and cajoled, but to no avail.  Sam said the plan would never pay off.
Finally the company president called Sam into his office.
        "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's
a pen.  I want you to sign the papers.  I'm sorry, but if you don't sign,
you're fired.  As of right now."
        Sam signed the papers immediately.
        "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you
couldn't have signed earlier?"
        "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so
clearly before."
Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:

Support:  "You're not our only customer, you know."
Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
        Exxon's 'Universe of Energy' tends to the peculiar rather than the
humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and
rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the
seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs.
The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face.
        "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to
aggravate illusions.  Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like,
but Exxon has decided they smelled bad.
        "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled
message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise.  I dozed off during this,
but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with
energy policy and neither do you."
                -- P.J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell"
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you
`there's a time for work and a time for play' never find the time for play?
        Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's willing to
pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop for lumber,
hardware, and toasters all in one location.  Notice I say "shop for," as
opposed to "obtain." This is the major drawback of home centers: they are
always out of everything except artificial Christmas trees.  The home center
employees have no time to reorder merchandise because they are too busy
applying little price stickers to every object -- every board, washer, nail
and screw -- in the entire store ...

        Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has a
replacement.  The employee, who has never is his life even seen the inside
of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the same way
that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at an electronic
calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of these sometime
around the middle of next week."
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they
claim they'll make you?
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work.
I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
                -- John D. Rockefeller
I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach.
                -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach"
I:
        The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
        with a silk sow.  The same is true of money.
II:
        If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would
        probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
III:
        There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
IV:
        If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
V:
        One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output.
        Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average
        output.
                -- Norman Augustine
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had
lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.  Quit work and play
for once!
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are real
good, you will get out of it.
If you are over 80 years old and accompanied by your parents, we will
cash your check.
If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business;
over 80 you are neglecting your golf.
                -- Walter Hagen
If you aren't rich you should always look useful.
                -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
                -- J. Paul Getty
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
If you don't have time to do it right, where are you going to find the time
to do it over?
If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
If you had better tools, you could more effectively demonstrate your
total incompetence.
If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
hype.  If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
                -- Neil Bogart
If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers.
But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.
                -- Swami Prabhupada
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
                -- Earl Wilson
If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave
it to.
                -- Dorthy Parker
If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.
                -- Ben Franklin
        If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
around your home are too difficult to tackle.  So, when your furnace
explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it.  The
"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and deposits a
large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the better part of the
week in your basement whacking objects at random with heavy wrenches, after
which the "professional" returns and gives you a bill for slightly more
money than it would cost you to run a successful campaign for the U.S.
Senate.
        And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. You
figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I.  How difficult can
it be?"
        Very difficult.  In fact, most home projects are impossible, which
is why you should do them yourself.  There is no point in paying other
people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up yourself for far
less money.  This article can help you.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading
it.  Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward
the vividly imaginative.  For although it may momentarily appear to be the
case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by
crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars.
                -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
It is ridiculous to call this an industry.  This is not.  This is rat eat
rat, dog eat dog.  I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
kill me.  You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
                -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.
                -- Daniel B. Luten
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
number.  Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
another number.
                -- James Estes
Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
                -- Josh Billings
Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
Men's skin is different from women's skin.  It is usually bigger, and
it has more snakes tattooed on it.  Also, if you examine a woman's skin
very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important world events
such as agriculture, we're going to delete the next few square feet of the
woman's skin.  Thank you.]

... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!  And what is even more
interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying!  This is a fact.  Your
skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran
cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices
with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first,
without so much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from
below.
                -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while
you're being miserable.
                -- C.B. Luce
Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, if you'll consider
their unacceptable offer.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature."  He may not have one.
Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
                -- Lazarus Long
Never ask two questions in a business letter.  The reply will discuss
the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.
Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
                -- Thomas Jefferson
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
Never tell people how to do things.  Tell them WHAT to do and they will
surprise you with their ingenuity.
                -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
Nitwit ideas are for emergencies.  You use them when you've got nothing
else to try.  If they work, they go in the Book.  Otherwise you follow
the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.
                -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
                -- C. Schulz
No spitting on the Bus!
Thank you, The Mgt.
        Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool
sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
        Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they
have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of Raisinets and
malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon administration.  In either
the hardware or housewares department, you'll find an item imported from an
obscure Oriental country and described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of
a little handle with interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental
notions of tools that Americans might use around the home.  Buy it.
        This is the kind of tool set professionals use.  Not only is it
inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off if
you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to direct
sunlight.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a
thief who was to be executed.  As he was taken away he made a bargain with
the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing
hymns.  The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and
laughed.  "You will not succeed," they told him.  "No one can."
        To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might
happen in that time.  The king might die.  The horse might die.  I might die.
And perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
                -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle
One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be
installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips.  Let's say your
congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how
the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet.  Just when he
got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would
inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the
plane door.  It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman
proposed a law.  ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be
designated as Cuticle Inspection Month?  And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.")
This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public
would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen.  The problem
is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500
members of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil,
are already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
                -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you.
I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
                -- J. Wellington Wells
Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
until you are told that those rooms are "punched out."  Once punched out,
we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.
                -- N. Meyrowitz
        Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm into a
clogged toilet.  In fact, you can solve many home plumbing problems, such as
annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the radio.  But before we get
into specific techniques, let's look at how plumbing works.
        A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, except
that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, it has
pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets and toilets.
So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at all like your
electrical system, which is good, because electricity can kill you.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
Put your best foot forward.  Or just call in and say you're sick.
Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
                -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you
actually have a shot at it.
Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.
        Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is
        not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety.  They simply may
        sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after
        they regain their composure.
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
surprised at how little you have.
                -- Ernest Haskins
        "Seven years and six months!"  Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully.
"An uncomfortable sort of age.  Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have
said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
        "I never ask advice about growing,"  Alice said indignantly.
        "Too proud?"  the other enquired.
        Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion.  "I mean,"
she said, "that one can't help growing older."
        "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can.  With
proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
                -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass"
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing
golf with his boss.
So you think that money is the root of all evil.  Have you ever asked what
is the root of money?
                -- Ayn Rand
So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they go to work?
Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
        Take the folks at Coca-Cola.  For many years, they were content
to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage.  It was a good
beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!"  So Coca-Cola
was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
improve ...
                -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
have given them to you.
Talent does what it can.
Genius does what it must.
You do what you get paid to do.
Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before
you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew
but weren't sure.  But if you're searching for something you don't
already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.
                -- Erma Bombeck
The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in
session.  Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing,
advertising and industry.  For best consistent contribution in the field of
publishing our award goes to editor, R.L.K., [...] for his unrivalled alle-
giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it,
we'd ALL love to do it.  But we're not going to do it.  It's not the kind of
book our house knows how to handle."  Our superior performance award in the
field of advertising goes to media executive, E.L.M., [...] for the continu-
ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be
very exciting.  Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out-
lined and see if you can come up with something fresh."  Our final award for
courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R.S.,
[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been
arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right
time--"  I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially
for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as
then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts --
        Treat freshness as a youthful quirk,
                And dare not stray to ideas new,
        For if t'were tried they might e'en work
                And for a living what woulds't we do?
The Bible on letters of reference:

        Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials?  Do
we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
                -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation
The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are working for
someone else.
        The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.  Everybody but one girl
laughed uproariously.  "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
got a sense of humor?"
        "I don't have to laugh," she said.  "I'm leaving Friday anyway.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
The departing division general manager met a last time with his young
successor and gave him three envelopes.  "My predecessor did this for me,
and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said.  "At the first sign
of trouble, open the first envelope.  Any further difficulties, open the
second envelope.  Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope.
Good luck."  The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes
into a drawer.
        Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the
young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
        The next day, he held a press conference and did just that.  The
crisis passed.
        Six months later, sales dropped precipitously.  The beleagured
manager opened the second envelope.  It said, "Reorganize."
        He held another press conference, announcing that the division
would be restructured.  The crisis passed.
        A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was
blamed for all of it.  The harried executive closed his office door, sank
into his chair, and opened the third envelope.
        "Prepare three envelopes..." it said.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in
the country is the one on which you resell it.
                -- J. Brecheux
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop
and take a rest.
The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
be less cunning than more virtuous men.  Oh yes ... whenever you think
you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
                -- Bill Veeck
The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired
warranty.  Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing
the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.
                -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you've got
it made.
                -- Jean Giraudoux
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
able to correct them.
                -- Nicolaides
The star of riches is shining upon you.
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more
important to do.
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
                -- Lily Tomlin
The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... and you'd better
not refuse.
There are worse things in life than death.  Have you ever spent an evening
with an insurance salesman?
                -- Woody Allen
"There is no Father Christmas.  It's just a marketing ploy to make low income
parents' lives a misery."
"... I want you to picture the trusting face of a child, streaked with tears
because of what you just said."
"I want you to picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't
pay for one Master of the Universe Battlecruiser!"
                -- Filthy Rich and Catflap
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it
reluctantly.
                -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him.  If he says
"Yes" you know he is crooked.
                -- Groucho Marx
        There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by
going from house to house offering to do odd jobs.  He explained this to
a man who answered one door.
        "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.
        "Forty dollars."
        "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.
        Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.
"All done!", he says, and collects his money.  "By the way," the student says,
"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
                -- Darrell Royal
This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because
the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it
recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated"
the airline industry.  What this means for you, the consumer, is that the
airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever.  They can
show snuff movies.  They can charge for oxygen.  They can hire pilots right
out of Vending Machine Refill Person School.  They can conserve fuel by
ejecting husky passengers over water.  They can ram competing planes in
mid-air.  These innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which
have been passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
amazingly low fares, such as $29.  Of course, certain restrictions do apply,
the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, and you must
pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
                -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
To understand this important story, you have to understand how the telephone
company works.  Your telephone is connected to a local computer, which is in
turn connected to a regional computer, which is in turn connected to a
loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of
Lawrence, Kan.

Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in.  If it
suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the computer
above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the one above it,
until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe break down in tears
and tell your closest friend about a sordid incident from your past
involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, an entire religious order, a
garden hose and six quarts of tapioca pudding, the top computer feeds your
conversation into Edna's loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on
the porch to listen and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
                -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own Phones?"
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
        We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why
you are so tired.
        There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
        The population of this country is 200 million.  84 million are over
60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work.  People under 20
years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
        There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
19 million to do the work.  Four million are in the Armed Services, which
leaves 15 million to do the work.  Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work.  There are 188,000 in
hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
        Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
We're living in a golden age.  All you need is gold.
                -- D.W. Robertson.
Weekend, where are you?
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?
What they said:
        What they meant:

"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
        (Yes, that about sums it up.)
"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you."
        (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...)
"I simply can't say enough good things about him."
        (What a screw-up.)
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
        (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.)
"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go
a long way with his skills."
        (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
"You won't find many people like her."
        (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
"I cannot reccommend him too highly."
        (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
         felony in my presence.)
What they said:
        What they meant:

"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much
of him as I do."
        (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.)
"Her input was always critical."
        (She never had a good word to say.)
"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work."
        (And it's nonexistent.)
"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which
already has so many outstanding members."
        (Unless you already have a moron.)
"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable:
one unbelievable result after another."
        (And we didn't believe them, either.)
"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her."
        (In fact, to life in general...)
What they said:
        What they meant:

"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
        (We certainly never succeeded.)
There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
        (Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
"Success will never spoil him."
        (Well, at least not MUCH more.)
"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
        (And such a sigh of relief.)
"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
        (And his IQ, as well.)
"He should go far."
        (The farther the better.)
"He will take full advantage of his staff."
        (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
What they say:                        What they mean:

New                                Different colors from previous version.
All New                                Not compatible with previous version.
Exclusive                        Nobody else has documentation.
Unmatched                        Almost as good as the competition.
Design Simplicity                The company wouldn't give us any money.
Fool-proof Operation                All parameters are hard-coded.
Advanced Design                        Nobody really understands it.
Here At Last                        Didn't get it done on time.
Field Tested                        We don't have any simulators.
Years of Development                Finally got one to work.
Unprecedented Performance        Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Revolutionary                        Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
Futuristic                        Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
No Maintenance                        Impossible to fix.
Performance Proven                Worked through Beta test.
Meets Tough Quality Standards        It compiles without errors.
Satisfaction Guaranteed                We'll send you another pack if it fails.
Stock Item                        We shipped it before and can do it again.
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for
every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss
is away and you get twice as much done.
                -- Daniel B. Luten
        When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle!  I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
        "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe.  "I was afraid you
might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
                -- The Wall Street Journal
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
form of misery.
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
Why be a man when you can be a success?
                -- Bertolt Brecht
Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it?
That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
XLVII:
        Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water.  The other
        third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
XLVIII:
        The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the
        less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
        Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less
        until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
XLIX:
        Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
L:
        The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
        chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times
        as long as the official's who created it.
LI:
        By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more
        government workers than there are workers.
LII:
        People working in the private sector should try to save money.
        There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
                -- Norman Augustine
XXI:
        It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
XXII:
        If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
        not selling advice.
XXIII:
        Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
        currently estimated.
XXIV:
        The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
        established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
        costly action known to man.
XXV:
        A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
        or a new canvas to an artist.
                -- Norman Augustine
XXXVI:
        The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
        contract is about one millimeter per million dollars.  If all the
        proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
        at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
XXXVII:
        Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
        The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
XXXVIII:
        The early bird gets the worm.
        The early worm ... gets eaten.
XXXIX:
        Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
        the year -- in either direction.
XL:
        Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
                -- Norman Augustine
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right
and the budget is big enough.
                -- Joseph E. Levine
You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.
                -- Norman Douglas
You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.
                -- Superchicken
You know, the difference between this company and the Titanic is that the
Titanic had paying customers.
You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you.
I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but
we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.
                -- J. Wellington Wells
YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING!

Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says:  "Before I took this course I used to be
a lowly bit twiddler.  Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really
important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."

Mr. Watkins had this to say:  "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
to was a dead-end job as a engineer.  Now I have a promising future and
make really big Zorkmids."

MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.

                SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
/* And you'll never guess what the dog had */
/*   in its mouth... */
             -- Larry Wall in stab.c from the perl source code
But you have to allow a little for the desire to evangelize when you
think you have good news.
             -- Larry Wall in <1992Aug26.184221.29627@netlabs.com>
Chip Salzenberg sent me a complete patch to add System V IPC (msg, sem and
shm calls), so I added them.  If that bothers you, you can always undefine
them in config.sh.  :-) -- Larry Wall in <9384@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>
Does the same as the system call of that name.
If you don't know what it does, don't worry about it.
             -- Larry Wall in the perl man page regarding chroot(2)
echo "Congratulations.  You aren't running Eunice."
             -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution
echo "Hmmm...you don't have Berkeley networking in libc.a..."
echo "but the Wollongong group seems to have hacked it in."
             -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution
echo "ICK, NOTHING WORKED!!!  You may have to diddle the includes.";;
             -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution
echo $package has manual pages available in source form.
echo "However, you don't have nroff, so they're probably useless to you."
             -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution
[End of diatribe.  We now return you to your regularly scheduled
programming...]
             -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution
Even if you aren't in doubt, consider the mental welfare of the person who
has to maintain the code after you, and who will probably put parens in
the wrong place.  -- Larry Wall in the perl man page
I don't know if it's what you want, but it's what you get.  :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <10502@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>
If I allowed "next $label" then I'd also have to allow "goto $label",
and I don't think you really want that...  :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <1991Mar11.230002.27271@jpl-devvax.jpl.nasa.gov>
if (instr(buf,sys_errlist[errno]))  /* you don't see this */
             -- Larry Wall in eval.c from the perl source code
If you consistently take an antagonistic approach, however, people are
going to start thinking you're from New York.   :-)
             -- Larry Wall to Dan Bernstein in <10187@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>
If you want to program in C, program in C.  It's a nice language.  I
use it occasionally...   :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <7577@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>
If you want to see useful Perl examples, we can certainly arrange to have
comp.lang.misc flooded with them, but I don't think that would help the
advance of civilization.  :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <1992Mar5.180926.19041@netlabs.com>
If you want your program to be readable, consider supplying the argument.
             -- Larry Wall in the perl man page
In general, if you think something isn't in Perl, try it out, because it
usually is.  :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <1991Jul31.174523.9447@netlabs.com>
In general, they do what you want, unless you want consistency.
             -- Larry Wall in the perl man page
Interestingly enough, since subroutine declarations can come anywhere,
you wouldn't have to put BEGIN {} at the beginning, nor END {} at the
end.  Interesting, no?  I wonder if Henry would like it. :-) --lwall
:  I've heard that there is a shell (bourne or csh) to perl filter, does
:  anyone know of this or where I can get it?
Yeah, you filter it through Tom Christiansen.  :-)  -- Larry Wall
Just don't compare it with a real language, or you'll be unhappy...  :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <1992May12.190238.5667@netlabs.com>
No, I'm not going to explain it.  If you can't figure it out, you didn't
want to know anyway...  :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <1991Aug7.180856.2854@netlabs.com>
OOPS!  You naughty creature!  You didn't run Configure with sh!
I will attempt to remedy the situation by running sh for you...
             -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution
Perl is designed to give you several ways to do anything, so
consider picking the most readable one.
             -- Larry Wall in the perl man page
Perl itself is usually pretty good about telling you what you shouldn't
do. :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <11091@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>
Sorry.  My testing organization is either too small, or too large, depending
on how you look at it.  :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <1991Apr22.175438.8564@jpl-devvax.jpl.nasa.gov>
Tactical?  TACTICAL!?!?  Hey, buddy, we went from kilotons to megatons
several minutes ago.  We don't need no stinkin' tactical nukes.
(By the way, do you have change for 10 million people?) --lwall
There are many times when you want it to ignore the rest of the string just
like atof() does.  Oddly enough, Perl calls atof().  How convenient.  :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <1991Jun24.231628.14446@jpl-devvax.jpl.nasa.gov>
> This made me wonder, suddenly: can telnet be written in perl?
Of course it can be written in Perl.  Now if you'd said nroff,
that would be more challenging...   -- Larry Wall
Unix is like a toll road on which you have to stop every 50 feet to
pay another nickel.  But hey!  You only feel 5 cents poorer each time.
             -- Larry Wall in <1992Aug13.192357.15731@netlabs.com>
"You can't have filenames longer than 14 chars.
You can't even think about them!"
             -- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution
You have to admit that it's difficult to misplace the Perl sources.  :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <1992Aug26.184221.29627@netlabs.com>
You want it in one line?  Does it have to fit in 80 columns?   :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <7349@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>
If you write something wrong enough, I'll be glad to make up a new
witticism just for you.
             -- Larry Wall in <199702221943.LAA20388@wall.org>
We question most of the mantras around here periodically, in case
you hadn't noticed.  :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <199705101952.MAA00756@wall.org>
May you do Good Magic with Perl.
             -- Larry Wall's blessing
You can prove anything by mentioning another computer language.  :-)

             -- Larry Wall in <199706242038.NAA29853@wall.org>
I think you didn't get a reply because you used the terms "correct" and
"proper", neither of which has much meaning in Perl culture.  :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <199706251602.JAA01786@wall.org>
There's certainly precedent for that already too.  (Not claiming it's
*good* precedent, mind you. :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <199709021744.KAA12428@wall.org>
As with all the other proposals, it's basically just a list of words.
You can deal with that... :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <199709032332.QAA21669@wall.org>
You tell it that it's indicative by appending $!.  That's why we made $!
such a short variable name, after all.  :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <199709081801.LAA20629@wall.org>
As someone pointed out, you could have an attribute that says "optimize
the heck out of this routine", and your definition of heck would be a
parameter to the optimizer.
             -- Larry Wall in <199709081854.LAA20830@wall.org>
If you're going to define a shortcut, then make it the base [sic] darn
shortcut you can.
             -- Larry Wall in <199709241628.JAA08908@wall.org>
I was about to say, "Avoid fame like the plague," but you know, they can
cure the plague with penicillin these days.
             -- Larry Wall in <199709242015.NAA10312@wall.org>
If you remove stricture from a large Perl program currently, you're just
installing delayed bugs, whereas with this feature, you're installing an
instant bug that's easily fixed.  Whoopee.
             -- Larry Wall in <199710050130.SAA04762@wall.org>
Well, you can implement a Perl peek() with unpack('P',...).  Once you
have that, there's only security through obscurity.  :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <199710161537.IAA07828@wall.org>
Depends on how you define "always".  :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <199710211647.JAA17957@wall.org>
But you'll notice Perl has a goto.
             -- Larry Wall in <199710211624.JAA17833@wall.org>
Suppose you're working on an optimizer to render \X unnecessary (or
rather, redundant, which isn't the same thing in my book).
             -- Larry Wall in <199710211624.JAA17833@wall.org>
You don't have to wait--you can have it in 5.004_54 or so.  :-)
             -- Larry Wall in <199710221740.KAA24455@wall.org>
: How would you disambiguate these situations?

By shooting the person who did the latter.
             -- Larry Wall in <199710290235.SAA02444@wall.org>
Boss: You forgot to assign the result of your map!

Hacker: Dang, I'm always forgetting my assignations...

Boss: And what's that "goto" doing there?!?

Hacker: Er, I guess my finger slipped when I was typing "getservbyport"...

Boss: Ah well, accidents will happen.  Maybe we should have picked APL.
             -- Larry Wall in <199710311732.JAA19169@wall.org>
I think you're letting your knowledge of internals interfere with your
linguistic judgement here.
             -- Larry Wall in <199711011949.LAA25651@wall.org>
Are you perchance running on a 64-bit machine?
             -- Larry Wall in <199711102149.NAA16878@wall.org>
Er, Tom, I hate to be the one to point this out, but your fix list
is starting to resemble a feature list.  You must be human or something.
             -- Larry Wall in <199801081824.KAA29602@wall.org>
A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight acquaintance
and without any visible reason.
                -- Lord Chesterfield
Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
Falling in Love
        When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
love.  You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place.  Unfortunately,
these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
good idea to check with your doctor.
                -- Dave Barry
Falling in love is a lot like dying.  You never get to do it enough to
become good at it.
Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less:

        "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."

Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:

        P.O. Box 35
        Baffled Greek, Michigan
HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
        Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you".  It's a sin to
        tell a lie.  Millions of hearts have been broken, just because
        these words were spoken.
His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
How much does she love you?  Less than you'll ever know.
I love you more than anything in this world.  I don't expect that will last.
                -- Elvis Costello
I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.
                -- Roy Croft
I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme
foolishness.  I no longer thought that.  There's nothing foolish in
loving anyone.  Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish.
                -- Rita Mae Brown
"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
to undo it."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'"
"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from
Julian to Gregorian."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static
cling."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my
cottage cheese sculpture."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant."
"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back."
"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay tuned."
"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that
need worrying about."
I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
                -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
        "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided.  "The pin I'm wearing
means I'm a member of the IA.  That's Inamorati Anonymous.  An inamorato is
somebody in love.  That's the worst addiction of all."
        "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
them, or something?"
        "Right.  The whole idea is to get where you don't need it.  I was
lucky.  I kicked it young.  But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
        "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
        "No, of course not.  You get a phone number, an answering service
you can call.  Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
it gets so bad you can't handle it alone.  We're isolates, Arnold.  Meetings
would destroy the whole point of it."
                -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
                -- Lily Tomlin
If only you knew she loved you, you could face the uncertainty of
whether you love her.
If you can't be good, be careful.  If you can't be careful, give me a call.
If you love someone, set them free.
If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk.
In real love you want the other person's good.  In romantic love you
want the other person.
                -- Margaret Anderson
Let us live!!!
Let us love!!!
Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!

You first.
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips
over, pinning you underneath.  At night the ice weasels come.
                -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
Love is always open arms.  With arms open you allow love to come and
go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway.  If you close your
arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.
                -- Saint Exupery
Love is what you've been through with somebody.
                -- James Thurber
Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
Love means never having to say you're sorry.
                -- Eric Segal, "Love Story"

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
                -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"
May your SO always know when you need a hug.
        "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so
simple, really.  "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now.  You just can't
hold people, you can't own them.  I mean it's only natural, a natural process
really.  Meet.  Love.  Part.  Life goes on.  There was never any reason to
expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know."  There were
those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated.  "I don't hold a grudge.  I
can't."
        "You do," Grandfather Trout said.  "And you don't understand."
                -- Little, Big, "John Crowley"
Of course it's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well.
                -- Charles Bukowski
Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one
arch-enemy -- and that is life.
                -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele"
Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder...
and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn.
                -- N.V. Plyter
That's life for you, said McDunn.  Someone always waiting for someone who
never comes home.  Always someone loving something more than that thing loves
them.  And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that thing is, so it
can't hurt you no more.
                -- R. Bradbury, "The Fog Horn"
The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled today.
The little pieces of my life I give to you, with love, to make a quilt
to keep away the cold.
The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
perfect partner, you're home free.  Unfortunately, falling out of love
seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.
Under deadline pressure for the next week.  If you want something, it can wait.
Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic...
When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn
They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem.
                -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy"
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but ...
        -- I have to floss my cat.
        -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
        -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
        -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
        -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
        -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
        -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
        -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
        -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
        -- I have some really hard words to look up.
        -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
        -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
        -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
        -- None of my socks match.
        -- I'm having all my plants neutered.
        -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
        -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
        -- I'm touring China with a wok band.
        -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
        -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
                named Basil Metabolism.
        -- There are important world issues that need worrying about.
        -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
        -- I prefer to remain an enigma.
        -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever.
        -- I feel a song coming on.
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
        -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
        -- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
        -- I'm trying to be less popular.
        -- My bathroom tiles need grouting.
        -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
        -- My subconscious says no.
        -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
                can't seem to put it down.
        -- My favorite commercial is on TV.
        -- I have to study for my blood test.
        -- I've been traded to Cincinnati.
        -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
        -- I have to go to court for kitty littering.
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
        -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
        -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
        -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
        -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
        -- I have to fulfill my potential.
        -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
        -- It's too close to the turn of the century.
        -- I have to bleach my hare.
        -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
        -- I left my body in my other clothes.
Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
        -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
        -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
        -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
        -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
        -- It's my parakeet's bowling night.
        -- I'm building a plant from a kit.
        -- There's a disturbance in the Force.
        -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
        -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
        -- My crayons all melted together.
"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
you knowing nothing?"
                -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, but they won't go
out with you if you don't have any.
You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
                -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children"
All right, you degenerates!  I want this place evacuated in 20 seconds!
Alright, you!!  Imitate a WOUNDED SEAL pleading for a PARKING SPACE!!
An INK-LING?  Sure -- TAKE one!!  Did you BUY any COMMUNIST UNIFORMS??
Are you mentally here at Pizza Hut??
Are you selling NYLON OIL WELLS??  If so, we can use TWO DOZEN!!
Are you still an ALCOHOLIC?
Awright, which one of you hid my PENIS ENVY?
Boys, you have ALL been selected to LEAVE th' PLANET in 15 minutes!!
Can you MAIL a BEAN CAKE?
Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?
Did you move a lot of KOREAN STEAK KNIVES this trip, Dingy?
Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?
Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"?
Do you think the "Monkees" should get gas on odd or even days?
Excuse me, but didn't I tell you there's NO HOPE for the survival of
OFFSET PRINTING?
First, I'm going to give you all the ANSWERS to today's test ...  So
just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and relax!!
FOOLED you!  Absorb EGO SHATTERING impulse rays, polyester poltroon!!
FUN is never having to say you're SUSHI!!
Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ...
Hey, wait a minute!!  I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!!
HOORAY, Ronald!!  Now YOU can marry LINDA RONSTADT too!!
How do you explain Wayne Newton's POWER over millions?  It's th' MOUSTACHE
...  Have you ever noticed th' way it radiates SINCERITY, HONESTY & WARMTH?
It's a MOUSTACHE you want to take HOME and introduce to NANCY SINATRA!
I appoint you ambassador to Fantasy Island!!!
I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING!
I have a very good DENTAL PLAN.  Thank you.
I hope you millionaires are having fun!  I just invested half your life
savings in yeast!!
I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE
and WHEAT THINS ...
I want you to MEMORIZE the collected poems of EDNA ST VINCENT MILLAY
... BACKWARDS!!
I want you to organize my PASTRY trays ... my TEA-TINS are gleaming in
formation like a ROW of DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with me --
I'll show you MY telex number if you show me YOURS ...
I'm mentally OVERDRAWN!  What's that SIGNPOST up ahead?  Where's ROD
STERLING when you really need him?
I've got an IDEA!!  Why don't I STARE at you so HARD, you forget your
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!
In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental
Belt," for $10.99!!
Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also
makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR?
It don't mean a THING if you ain't got that SWING!!
It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA
in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making
FRENCH TOAST!
LBJ, LBJ, how many JOKES did you tell today??!
Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET
ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS ...
Look DEEP into the OPENINGS!!  Do you see any ELVES or EDSELS ... or a
HIGHBALL?? ...
Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card!
Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST
BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
Of course, you UNDERSTAND about the PLAIDS in the SPIN CYCLE --
OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS??  Oh, YEH!!  First you need four GALLONS of JELL-O
and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th'WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S
the WASHING MACHINES?
... or were you driving the PONTIAC that HONKED at me in MIAMI last Tuesday?
Pardon me, but do you know what it means to be TRULY ONE with your BOOTH!
Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the
Trianon Room!!  Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!
TAPPING?  You POLITICIANS!  Don't you realize that the END of the "Wash
Cycle" is a TREASURED MOMENT for most people?!
The Osmonds!  You are all Osmonds!!  Throwing up on a freeway at dawn!!!
When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?
When you said "HEAVILY FORESTED" it reminded me of an overdue CLEANING
BILL ... Don't you SEE?  O'Grogan SWALLOWED a VALUABLE COIN COLLECTION
and HAD to murder the ONLY MAN who KNEW!!
Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?
Where does it go when you flush?
While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ...  his
will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"!
Why don't you ever enter any CONTESTS, Marvin??  Don't you know your
own ZIPCODE?
Why is it that when you DIE, you can't take your HOME ENTERTAINMENT
CENTER with you??
With YOU, I can be MYSELF ...  We don't NEED Dan Rather ...
You can't hurt me!!  I have an ASSUMABLE MORTGAGE!!
You mean now I can SHOOT YOU in the back and further BLUR th'
distinction between FANTASY and REALITY?
You mean you don't want to watch WRESTLING from ATLANTA?
YOU PICKED KARL MALDEN'S NOSE!!
You should all JUMP UP AND DOWN for TWO HOURS while I decide on a NEW CAREER!!
You were s'posed to laugh!
YOU!!  Give me the CUTEST, PINKEST, most charming little VICTORIAN
DOLLHOUSE you can find!!  An make it SNAPPY!!
Yow!  Are you the self-frying president?
"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good
with ketchup."
Eight was also the Number of Bel-Shamharoth, which was why a sensible wizard
would never mention the number if he could avoid it.  Or you'll be eight
alive, apprentices were jocularly warned.  Bel-Shamharoth was especially
attracted to dabblers in magic who, by being as it were beachcombers on the
shores of the unnatural, were already half-enmeshed in his nets.
Rincewind's room number in his hall of residence had been 7a.  He hadn't
been surprised.
                -- Terry Pratchett, "The Sending of Eight"
"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded.  "And why were you afraid
to let her touch you?  I saw you.  You were afraid of her."
        "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
replied without rancor.  "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
you.  As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
deceived by appearances.  Unlike human beings, who enjoy them.  As for your
second question --"  Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
licked himself smooth again.  Even then he would not look at Molly, but
examined his claws.
        "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
hers and not my own, not ever again."
                -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
It is a well known fact that warriors and wizards do not get along, because
one side considers the other side to be a collection of bloodthirsty idiots
who can't walk and think at the same time, while the other side is naturally
suspicious of a body of men who mumble a lot and wear long dresses.  Oh, say
the wizards, if we're going to be like that, then, what about all those
studded collars and oiled muscles down at the Young Men's Pagan Association?
To which the heroes reply, that's a pretty good allegation from a bunch of
wimpsoes who won't go near a woman on account, can you believe it, of their
mystical power being sort of drained out.  Right, say the wizards, that just
about does it, you and your leather posing pouches.  Oh yeah, say the the
heroes, why don't you ...
                -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
        It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships
for a few years.  He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences
change over fairly often, and he's got a good life.   The only problem is the
ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year
after year.  Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and
starts giving it away for the audience.  For example, when the magician makes
a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back!  Behind
his back!"  Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much
he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the
passengers.
        One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without
a trace.  Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the
parrot.  For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging
to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end.
As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to
the magician's end of the log.  With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps
"OK, you win, I give up.  Where did you hide the ship?"
        The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.  The Gray
Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
him are dead, he is alive.
        "Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."
        "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
        Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
                -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"
There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here
and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for
wonder.  There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up
your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
                -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever.
I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never
to be seen again.
                -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu"
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:

1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT.
        Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose
        valuable scientific objectivity.

2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES.
        Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the
        gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED.
        Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:

4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF.
        You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into
        the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent
        disability you may have experienced.

5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT.
        It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
        explained in terms that you would understand.

6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY.
        Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
        research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:

7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
        You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
        to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
        It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
   OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
        The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
        sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
        This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests.  "I have
some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news."  The bad news is
that you only have six weeks to live."
        "Oh, no," says the patient.  "What could possibly be worse than that?"
        "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since
last Monday."
A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth.  Afterwards, the doctor
came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you."
        "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked.
        "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how.  Your son
(we assume) was born with no body.  He only has a head."
        Well, the doctor was correct.  The Head was alive and well, though no
one knew how.  The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of
a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under
the circumstances.
        One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a
phone call from another doctor.  The doctor said, "I have recently perfected
an operation.  Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto
his head!"
        The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung
up.  She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful*
surprise for you!"
        "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair.  Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable  of walking, the
judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
        When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check,
Miller was confronted by several executives.  "You're not getting away with
this, Miller," one said.  "We're going to watch you day and night.  If you
take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for
perjury.  Here's the money.  What do you intend to do with it?"
        "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied.  "We'll go to
Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes --
where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle."
Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential
ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common
cold.  You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking
cap you can find.  You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed,
then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap.  I've
never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work.
                -- Peter Nelson
        As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy
for more than 15 percent of their life span.  The words "I am sorry" and "I
am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary.  They will stab
you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your
friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying:
"Sure, I put your dog in the microwave.  But I feel *better* for doing it."
                -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone"
At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
to the patients.  The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
die in six months.  Go in and tell him."  The intern boldly walks into the
room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot.  The doctor
grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject.  Now this man in
213 has about a week to live.  Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me,
gently!"
        The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily
opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs
his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!"  "Wonderful day, no?  Say...
guess who's going to die soon!"
Fortune's Exercising Truths:

1:  Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic.  You don't.
2.  Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart.  So do heart attacks.
3.  Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life.
4.  Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing.
5.  No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done
    quietly at your desk at work.  People will suspect manic tendencies as
    you twitter around in your chair.
6.  Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers.
7.  Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around
    for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard
    racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity.
8.  Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups,
    followed by one throw-up.
9.  Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided.
        "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
        "Did you ever see a doctor?"
        "No, just spots."
        If I kiss you, that is an psychological interaction.
        On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick,
that is also a psychological interaction.
        The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not
so friendly.
        The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
                -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor.
If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
It's no longer a question of staying healthy.  It's a question of finding
a sickness you like.
                -- Jackie Mason
It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
what you're taking for it...
New England Life, of course.  Why do you ask?
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
                -- C.G. Jung
Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness.  To avoid overload
and burnout, keep stress out of your life.  Give it to others instead.  Learn
the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the
"Do you feel okay?  You look pale." approach.  Start with negotiation and
implication.  Advance to manipulation and humiliation.  Above all, relax
and have a nice day.
The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
The reason they're called wisdom teeth is that the experience makes you wise.
We have the flu.  I don't know if this particular strain has an official
name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu".  You
may have had it yourself.  The main symptom is that you wish you had another
setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION".
        Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a)
your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength.  Midway through the brushing
process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple
of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your
mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that
would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the
police would find you.
        You know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
                -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
        "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn.  Evelyn, will
you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
psycho-prompter couch?"
        "Thank you, Red."
        "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
        "Yes, Red."
        "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times.  Now,
at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900.  Now, any combination of
two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
projections will put you out of the game.  Are you willing to go ahead?"
        "Yes, Red."
        "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
been checked for accuracy with her analyst.  Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
explain the failure of your three marriages."
        "Well, I--"
        "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute.  First a word about our
product."
                -- Jules Feiffer
Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long,
dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being
attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last
minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the
Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter.  We Americans live in a nation where the
medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe
25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in
seconds if we felt like it.
                -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead"
No guarantee of accuracy or completeness!
©TU Chemnitz, 2006-2024
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