|Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English)||by Linux fortune|
|All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar|
crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying
part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago
there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody
believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs
the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not
going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white
collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
-- J. Feiffer
|Column 1 Column 2 Column 3|
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select
the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into
virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No
one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton,
"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it."
-- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship"
|If you had better tools, you could more effectively demonstrate your|
|Management: How many feet do mice have?|
Reply: Mice have four feet.
R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
M: No discussion of fifth appendage!
R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
M: What? Feet with no legs?
R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
M: Does not fully discuss the issue!
R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
is not equipped with a foot.
M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO!
R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
ornamental in nature.
M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
R: Mice have four feet.
| We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why|
you are so tired.
There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought.
The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over
60 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20
years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work.
There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves
19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which
leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state
and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in
hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail,
so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and
brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!
|Microsoft Acquires Nothing |
REDMOND, WA -- In an unprecedented move, Microsoft refrained from acquiring any
rival companies for a full week. "I can't believe it," one industry analyst
noted. "This is the first time in years that I haven't read any headlines about
Microsoft acquiring something."
The lack of Microsoft assimilation this week left a vacuum in computer industry
publications. "Microsoft acquisition stories make up 10% of our headlines," an
editor at Ziff-Slavis said. "We had to scramble to fill this void. We ran some
controversial Jessie Burst columns instead, hoping that we could recoup ad
revenue from people reading all the flames in the Talk Back forums. Jessie
Burst forums account for 15% of our total ad revenue."
|Jargon Coiner (#3)|
An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.
* LILOSPLAININ': Arduous process of explaining why there's now a LILO boot
prompt on the office computer.
Example: "John had some lilosplainin' to do after his boss turned on the
computer and the Windows splash screen didn't appear."
* UPTIME DOWNER: Depression that strikes a Linux sysadmin after his uptime
is ruined. Can be caused by an extended power outtage, a pet chewing
through the power cord, a lightning bolt striking the power line, or an
urgent need to reboot into Windows to read a stupid Word document.
* OSTR (Off-Switch Total Recall): The sudden recollection of something
terribly important you need to do online that occurs exactly 0.157
seconds after you've shut down your computer.
|Brief History Of Linux (#7)|
The Rise of Geeks
The late 19th Century saw the rise and fall of "geeks", wild carnival
performers who bit the heads off live chickens. This vocal minority,
outcast from mainstream society, clamored for respect, but failed. Their
de facto spokesman, Tom Splatz, tried to expose America to their plight in
his 312-page book, "Geeks".
In the book Splatz documented the life of two Idahoan geeks with no social
life as they made a meager living traveling the Pacific Northwest in
circuses. While Splatz's masterpiece was a commercial failure, the book
did set a world record for using the term "geek" a total of 6,143 times.
|Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most.|
|I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac|
thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the
total discrediting of the world of reality.
-- Salvador Dali
|James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total|
indifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
-- Tom Stoppard
|<Knghtbrd> mariab - I am a Debian developer. Red Hat is "the enemy" or|
something like that I guess.. Still, typecasting RH users as
idiots or their distribution as completely broken by default
is complete and total FUD.
|Now I think I just reached the state of HYPERTENSION that comes JUST|
BEFORE you see the TOTAL at the SAFEWAY CHECKOUT COUNTER!
|We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub ...|
|More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path|
leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction.
Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
|"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."|
-- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
|By one count there are some 700 scientists with respectable academic credentials|
(out of a total of 480,000 U.S. earth and life scientists) who give credence
to creation-science, the general theory that complex life forms did not evolve
but appeared "abruptly."
- Newsweek, June 29, 1987, pg. 23
|"Look! There! Evil!.. pure and simple, total evil from the Eighth Dimension!"|
-- Buckaroo Banzai
|Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a|
pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but
abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce
| "Emergency!" Sgiggs screamed, ejecting himself from the tub like it was|
a burning car. "Dial 'one'! Get room service! Code red!" Stiggs was on
the phone immediately, ordering more rose blossoms, because, according to
him, the ones floating in the tub had suddenly lost their smell. "I demand
smell," he shrilled. "I expecting total uninterrupted smell from these
Unfortunately, the service captain didn't realize that the Stiggs situation
involved fifty roses. "What am I going to do with this?" Stiggs sneered at
the weaseling hotel goon when he appeared at our door holding a single flower
floating in a brandy glass. Stiggs's tirade was great. "Do you see this
bathtub? Do you notice any difference between the size of the tub and the
size of that spindly wad of petals in your hand? I need total bath coverage.
I need a completely solid layer of roses all around me like puffing factories
of smell, attacking me with their smell and power-ramming big stinking
concentrations of rose odor up my nostrils until I'm wasted with pleasure."
It wasn't long before we got so dissatisfied with this incompetence that we
-- The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs,
National Lampoon, October 1982
|DE: The Soviets seem to have difficulty implementing modern technology.|
Would you comment on that?
Belenko: Well, let's talk about aircraft engine lifetime. When I flew the
MiG-25, its engines had a total lifetime of 250 hours.
DE: Is that mean-time-between-failure?
Belenko: No, the engine is finished; it is scrapped.
DE: You mean they pull it out and throw it away, not even overhauling it?
Belenko: That is correct. Overhaul is too expensive.
DE: That is absurdly low by free world standards.
Belenko: I know.
-- an interview with Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
"Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 102
|"All the system's paths must be topologically and circularly interrelated for |
conceptually definitive, locally transformable, polyhedronal understanding to
be attained in our spontaneous -- ergo, most economical -- geodesiccally
-- R. Buckminster Fuller [...and a total nonsequitur as far as I can tell. -kl]
|IBM had a PL/I,|
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
It was a total loss.
|ARTHUR What is an Algolian Zylatburger anyway?|
FORD They're a kind of meatburger made from the most
of a creature well known for its total lack of any
ARTHUR So you mean that the Universe does actually end not
with a bang
but with a Wimpy?
- Cut dialogue from Fit the Fifth.
| "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will|
you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the
"Thank you, Red."
"Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing
your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior
pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem."
"But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy
repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now,
at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off
your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of
two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive
projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?"
"I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have
been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000
explain the failure of your three marriages."
"We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our
-- Jules Feiffer
|Official Project Stages:|
(1) Uncritical Acceptance
(2) Wild Enthusiasm
(3) Dejected Disillusionment
(4) Total Confusion
(5) Search for the Guilty
(6) Punishment of the Innocent
(7) Promotion of the Non-participants
|Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.|
SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
legs for a horse.
(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
Topics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
"Try it; it works"
Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
Changing all the 2's to _n's
Lack of a counterexample, and
"It stands to reason"
|A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,|
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
|The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.|
| Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees|
on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert
Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of
employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of
farmers in America."
-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
|Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.|
|When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later|
something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend
your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all
the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a
vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will
eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent
narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything --
will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension.
But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come
from, to torture and unsettle us?
-- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer"
| It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,|
everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
really needed in the first place.
I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
analogous to the above.
-- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
|The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip|
market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
-- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
|I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I|
don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
in the summer.
-- Brendan Behan