|Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English)||by Linux fortune|
|The Next Big Thing: "Clairvoyant Consultants" |
Nobody likes to deal with tech support or customer service reps. A growing
number of people are getting sick of being put on hold for three hours and
then paying ridiculous "per incident" fees so some Microserf can tell them
to "reinstall the operating system!"
Desperate users are turning to an unlikely source to diagnose and fix
software problems: psychics. Palm[Pilot] readers, 1-900 number operators,
and clairvoyant consultants are quickly becoming the hottest careers in
the tech sector.
Explained Madam Cosmos, owner of the Main Street Mysticism Temple in
Keokuk, Iowa, "With my special powers, I can track down the source of any
problem. Got a rogue Registry entry that's causing Bluescreens? I'll find
it. Missing a curly bracket in your Perl program but can't locate it
because the error messages are so unhelpful? I'll know where it is even
before you walk in my door."
|=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================|
Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately,
this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In
order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages,
please communicate them by one of the following paths:
UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket
Non-network sites: Federal Express to:
Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789
For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
|Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.|
-- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
| THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL|
VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW.
Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are
accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example:
LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE
GOTO THE MALL
VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY
|Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the|
use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for
demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking
sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming
can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on
the reader! For example, the sentence
Jane went to the store to buy bread
should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something
sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a
cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if
Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control
of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive
my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"!
Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are
standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!)
|Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall fear no|
evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic operators together.
-- Steve Higgins
|Well, that's more-or-less what I was saying, though obviously addition|
is a little more cosmic than the bitwise operators.
-- Larry Wall in <199709051808.LAA01780@wall.org>
|And other operators aren't so special syntactically, but weird|
in other ways, like "scalar", and "goto".
-- Larry Wall in <199711071749.JAA29751@wall.org>
|TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of|
force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product",
the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants
recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr.
Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
"Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has
never been easier."
Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use
it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the
work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's. Divide Dot-Product by the
magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how
much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get
Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again...
1-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not
available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.
|operators on strike due to broken coffee machine|
|halon system went off and killed the operators.|
|incompatible bit-registration operators|
|Operators killed by year 2000 bug bite.|
|Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell over.|