|Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English)||by Linux fortune|
|If this were Ada, I suppose we'd just constant fold 1/0 into|
die "Illegal division by zero"
-- Larry Wall in <199711100226.SAA12549@wall.org>
| "Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"|
"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
"I've never done anything illegal before."
"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
|When Computers Crash|
HOLLYWOOD -- The FOX TV Network has announced a new series of "reality
shows" to be aired over the summer. The series, "When Computers Crash",
will consist of five hour-long shows documenting the aftermath of serious
computer crashes, failures, and other problems. This show comes on the
heels of other FOX reality shows such as "World's Funniest Antitrust Trial
Bloopers", "When Stupid TV Network Executives Create Bad Show Ideas", and
"When Lame Fortune Files Poke Fun At FOX Reality Shows"...
To coincide with the series, FOX will sponsor a publicity gimmick called
"Crash & Win!" Contest participants will download a free Windows 9x/NT
program that keeps track of the number of Blue Screens, Illegal
Operations, or other fatal errors that force a reboot. When a crash
occurs, the program will log it in an encrypted database, which will be
periodically uploaded to the "FOX Crash & Win!" server.
Prizes such as a "Deciphering Windows Error Messages for Dummies" book, a
1999 Ford "Gasguzzler" Sport Utility Vehicle, or a lifetime supply of
stress relief medication will be awarded to participants based on the
number of crashes they log.
|Man Charged With Crashing Windows |
MOUNTAIN HOME, AR -- Eric Turgent, a closet Linux advocate, was arrested
yesterday for intentionally crashing his co-worker's Windows box at the
offices of the "Roadkill Roundup" newspaper. Turgent disputes the charges,
saying, "If causing an operating system to crash is illegal, than why
isn't Bill Gates serving life without parole?"
Turgent's co-worker, Mr. Stu Poor, the clueless technology pundit for the
newspaper, is a heavy Microsoft supporter. He frequently brags in his
weekly Tech Talk column that he "once had a conversation with Bill Gates."
A heated argument broke out yesterday morning in which the two insulted
each other ("You're nothing but a Linux hippie freak on the Red Hat
payroll!" vs. "You make Jesse Berst and Fred Moody look like [expletive]
geniuses!") for two hours.
At the heat of the moment, Turgent shoved Poor aside and typed in
"C:\CON\CON". The machine crashed and the pundit lost all of his work (a
real loss to humanity, to be sure). Turgent is in jail awaiting trial for
violating the "Slash Crashes Act". This bill was enacted in 1999 after a
Senator's gigabyte cache of pornography was destroyed by a Windows crash.
|Brief History Of Linux (#12)|
A note from Bill Gates' second grade teacher:
Billy has been having some trouble behaving in class lately... Last Monday
he horded all of the crayons and refused to share, saying that he needed
all 160 colors to maximize his 'innovation'. He then proceeded to sell
little pieces of paper ("End-User License Agreement for Crayons" he called
them) granting his classmates the 'non-transferable right' to use the
crayons on a limited time basis in exchange for their lunch money...
When I tried to stop Billy, he kept harping about his right to innovate
and how my interference violated basic notions of free-market capitalism.
"Holding a monopoly is not illegal," he rebutted. I chastised him for
talking back, and then I took away the box of crayons so others could
share them... angrily, he then pointed to a drawing of his hanging on the
wall and yelled, "That's my picture! You don't have the right to present
my copyrighted material in a public exhibition without my permission!
You're pirating my intellectual property. Pirate! Pirate! Pirate!"
I developed a headache that day that even the maximum dosage of Aspirin
wasn't able to handle. And then on Tuesday, he conned several students out
of their milk money by convincing them to play three-card Monty...
|"Oops," Says MPAA President |
Recently, the United States filed a legal brief in support of the MPAA's
argument that linking to the DeCSS source code is not protected by the
At the time, the MPAA was ecstatic. But not any longer. The tables have
turned: the Federal government has filed a lawsuit against the movie
industry, arguing that many Hollywood-produced movies 'link' to illegal
content. The MPAA is now desperately wrapping itself up in the Bill of
"Murder is illegal. Showing a murder in a movie -- or, rather, 'linking'
to it -- is also illegal," explained a spokesperson for the Coalition Of
Angry Soccer Moms In Support Of Brow-Beating Movie Industry Executives, an
interest group that has backed the government's lawsuit.
|Humorix's Vast Spy Network(tm) has discovered that the White House website|
is only 124 clicks away from an illegal, pirated copy of the upcoming
movie, "Star Trek XXIII: The Search For Merchandising Opportunities".
Clearly, the President's webmaster is violating the DMCA, and we urge that
this injustice be dealt with, just as soon as we finish downloading a
|You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.|
|I sat laughing snidely into my notebook until they showed me a PC running|
Linux.... And did this PC choke? Did it stutter? Did it, even once,
say that this program has performed an illegal operation and must be shut
down? No. And this is just on the client.
-- LAN Times
|Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a|
batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!!
|Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.|
|Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.|
-- Alexander Woollcott
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
|Pardo's First Postulate:|
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Everything else causes cancer in rats.
|Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose?|
Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers?
Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties?
Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy?
Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick?
Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen
or so pencils from marking the cloth?
Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name?
Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do?
Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow?
Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose?
|Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.|
|If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal|
-- J. Edgar Hoover
|If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. If not voting|
could change the system, it would be illegal.
|Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.|
-- Robert Orben
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
-- Jack Paar
|Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.|
-- Andrew Young
| Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of|
legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does.
As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I
am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we
will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior
a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn
The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do
for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor.
From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily
led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to
bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't
have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter
-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and
Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
|You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property|
and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
prosecution for perjury and fraud.
-- Excerpt from Taxachussetts income tax forms
|FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23|
Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
| Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart|
a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
|In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.|
|In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on|
the sidewalks when a concert is on.
|In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.|
| In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless|
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
|In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that|
is over six feet in length.
|In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a|
|It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood|
Boulevard at one time.
|It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.|
|It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.|
|You will gain money by an illegal action.|