Q : Dictionary / Wörterbuch (BEOLINGUS, TU Chemnitz)

Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English)	by Linux fortune

A young man wrote to Mozart and said: Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any suggestions as to how to get started?" A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony." Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." A: "But I never asked anybody how."
Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof to mouth...
Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What should I do? A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the whole net right away! -- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
Q: How can I choose what groups to post in? ... Q: How about an example? A: Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try news.admin. If not, use news.misc. The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders will only show the the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. -- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
Q: I cant spell worth a dam. I hope your going too tell me what to do? A: Don't worry about how your articles look. Remember it's the message that counts, not the way it's presented. Ignore the fact that sloppy spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent messages that soiled clothing would when addressing an audience. -- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
Q: They just announced on the radio that Dan Quayle was picked as the Republican V.P. candidate. Should I post? A: Of course. The net can reach people in as few as 3 to 5 days. It's the perfect way to inform people about such news events long after the broadcast networks have covered them. As you are probably the only person to have heard the news on the radio, be sure to post as soon as you can. -- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_
Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman can probably drive! -- Joan McGalliard (jem@latcs1.oz.au)
Engram, n.: 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." 2. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that time.] -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, 3rd edition, 2007 A.D.
Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 A: To be or not to be. Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name?
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 A: Chicken Teriyaki. Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 A: Go west, young man, go west! Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?" A: "Is there a dog?"
Q: Are we not men? A: We are Vaxen.
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person.
Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell? A: He spent the night in a warehouse.
Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? A: When his lips move.
Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? A: Unique up on it! Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? A: The tame way!
Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont? A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
Q: How do you play religious roulette? A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? A: Throw him a rock.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? A: With a blue-elephant gun. Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue-elephant gun.
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? A: Take away his credit cards.
Q: How does a hacker fix a function which doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? A: He changes the domain.
Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American? A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of speech, but under the United States constitution they are guaranteed freedom after speech. -- being told in Poland, 1987
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat? A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. Q: How long does it take? A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them. Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? A: They replace your generator.
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? A: There's a footprint in the mayo. Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? A: There's two footprints in the mayo. Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? A: The door won't shut. Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. We'll fix it in software. Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The application can work around it. Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. We'll document it in the manual. Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The user can figure it out.
Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job? A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift? A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have to get back to you on that.
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One and a half.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to the earlier joke.
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: One.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? A: 2 bits.
Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? A: 9 edge down.
Q: Know what the difference between your latest project and putting wings on an elephant is? A: Who knows? The elephant might fly, heh, heh...
Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little bottles into the typewriter.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing sunglasses? A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? A: The very best person they can possibly be.
Q: What do monsters eat? A: Things. Q: What do monsters drink? A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)
Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? A: The impossible dream.
Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? A: The same middle name.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? A: Diyathinkhesaurus. Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian? A: Trustworthy.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A: A stick.
Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? A: Six sick Sikhs (sic).
Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? A: A deep C diva.
Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a lawyer, and believes in social causes? A: A failure.
Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? A: A howdah duty.
Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female sheep bites you? A: Ewe nicks.
Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.
Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by a delicious dessert.
Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean? A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? A: Open other end.
Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room? A: A dinner party.
Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? A: Moby Pickle.
Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?" A: A ball point carrot.
Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? A: Open other end.
Q: What is purple and commutes? A: An Abelian grape.
Q: What is purple and concord the world? A: Alexander the Grape.
Q: What is the difference between a duck? A: One leg is both the same.
Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture.
Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? A: Mu.
Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A: A nervous wreck.
Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey? A: Nothing.
Q: What's a light-year? A: One-third less calories than a regular year.
Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb? A: A corpse.
Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? A: Chewing gum.
Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? A: A doberman.
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe? A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable! Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? A: Yes, up to isomorphism! Q: What is a compact city? A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted policemen! -- Peter Lax
Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin? A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? A: You can't get down off an elephant.
Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? A: One less drunk.
Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's? A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, "and some cigarettes."
Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? A: The Titanic had a band.
Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? A: A canary with the super-user password.
Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? A: Zorn's Lemon.
Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage? A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? A: Lawn Boy.
Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? A: To impress Jodie Foster.
Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? A: Because he was hungry.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: He was giving it last rites.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To see his friend Gregory peck. Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? A: He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? A: Because that was her name.
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.
Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? A: To get to the middle.
Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What is that noise? Oh, right, of course!
Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.
Q: Why do WASPs play golf ? A: So they can dress like pimps.
Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? A: God gave New Jersey first choice.
Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? A: The cats keep trying to bury them.
Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while visiting, they always take three.
Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted my dissertation to rhyme.
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games? A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
Q: Why is Poland just like the United States? A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. -- being told in Poland, 1987
Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man soup in a plate? A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? A: It wasn't IBM compatible.
There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library. Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small elevator with one other person from each floor? A: The elevator would be full.
A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and B is for biff, which reads all your mail. C is for cc, as hackers recall, while D is for dd, the command that does all. E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees. G is for grep, a clever detective, while H is for halt, which may seem defective. I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and J is for join, which nobody uses. K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while L is for lex, which is missing from DOS. M is for more, from which less was begot, and N is for nice, which it really is not. O is for od, which prints out things nice, while P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice. Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table. S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while T is for true, which does very little. U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and V is for vi, which is hard to abort. W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while X is, well, X, of dubious fame. Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and Z is for zcat, which handles compression. -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX
The Fastest Defeat In Chess The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess master. In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort of their own homes. Lazard was black and Gibaud white: 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5 4: P-K6, Kt-K6 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few: Q -- Is there life after death? A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods. -- Dave Barry
Q: How do you make Windows run faster? A: Throw it harder!
Q: What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft? A: One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric information and populated mostly by dinosaurs, the other is a Steven Spielberg movie.
Q: What's the difference between Windows 95 and a highly destructive virus? A: About 90 MB of hard disk space.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Q: What does the NT in Windows NT stand for? A: No Thanks A: Nice Try A: Neutered Technology A: Nothing There A: Needs Testing A: Needs Tinkering A: Not Trustworthy A: Needs Terabytes A: Net Trasher A: Nauseating Trash A: No Tolerance A: Not Today A: Null Technology A: New Troubles A: No Takeoff
Q: What does the CE in Windows CE stand for? A: Caveat Emptor.
Q: Does Bill Gates use public domain software? A: Yes, as all of the public has become Bill Gates' domain.
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him. A: None. He declares Darkness(tm) the new industry standard.
Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."
Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q: How many Microsoft tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Twelve. One to work the bulb, and eleven to write a 1,123 page guide to changing lightbulbs ("Learn Lightbulb Management in 21 Days").
Q: Why did Bill Gates cross the road? A: To avoid the Department of Justice.
Q: Why is Microsoft's Product Support a failure? A: Because Microsoft needs a Support Group instead.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums? A: Warning label.
Q: How many Micro$oft programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle. One to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb. One to write WinGetLightSwitch-Handle...
Q: What do Bill Gates and Bill Clinton have in common? A: Their ratings climb whenever they do something unethical.
Q: What do you call 50 Microsoft products at the bottom of the ocean? A: A darned good start.
Q: What do Windows NT and frozen pizza have in common? A: They're both half baked.
Q: How many Internet Explorer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. Their light bulbs are integrated in to the fixtures and can not be changed.
Q: How many Microsoft Programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: It cannot be done. You will need to upgrade your house. Q: How many Linux users does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to write the HOWTO-LIGHTBULB-CRONJOB, and another to read it. -- Geoff Johnson
Q: I like to dynamically load buggy drivers into the kernel because that is what kernel developers like me do for fun, how can I better avoid data corruption when doing this and using ReiserFS? A: Do sync before insmod. (Alan Cox's good suggestion.) - Hans Reiser on linux-kernel
<Zoid> I still think you guys are nuts merging Q and QW. :P <knghtbrd> Of course we're nuts. Even John said so. => <taniwha> Zoid: we're nuts, but we're productive nuts:)
<tausq> Q. What's the difference between Batman and Bill Gates? <tausq> A. When Batman fought the Penguin, he won.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: Q: Are you married? A: No, I'm divorced. Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25: Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, and you didn't scream? A: No ma'am. Q: Does that mean you consented? A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A: I will be three months November 8th. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A: No. Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? A: Picking them up in the air. Q: Where was the dog at this time? A: Attached to the ears.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: Q: What is your name? A: Ernestine McDowell. Q: And what is your marital status? A: Fair.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you? A: No.
Humor in th Court: Q: Do you drink when you're on duty? A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Humor in the Court: Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral.
Humor in the Court: Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? A. My ex-widow said it.
Humor in the Court: Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. No.
Humor in the Court: Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Humor in the Court: Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
Humor in the Court: Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. I should be. Q. How many times have you comitted suicide? A. Four times.
Humor in the Court: Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Humor in the Court: Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased? A. Yes, sir. Q. Before or after he died?
Humor in the Court: Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? A. Borofkin. Q. What's his first name? A. I can't remember. Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name? A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
Humor in the Court: Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you? A: Yes, sir. Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Humor in the Court: Q: ...and what did he do then? A: He came home, and next morning he was dead. Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Humor in the Court: Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? A: The victim lived.
Humor in the Court: Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Humor in the Court: Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.
Humor in the Court: Q: Could you see him from where you were standing? A: I could see his head. Q: And where was his head? A: Just above his shoulders.
Humor in the Court: Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities? A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Humor in the Court: Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Humor in the Court: Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp? A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. Q: It was covered? A: Yes, bandaged. Q: Then, later on.. what did you see? A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Humor in the Court: Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas? A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Humor in the Court: Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch--and she did!
Humor in the Court: Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present? A: It indicates intercourse. Q: Male sperm? A. That is the only kind I know.
Humor in the Court: Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: Why shouldn't I simply delete the stuff I never use, it's just taking up space? A: This question is in the category of Famous Last Words.. -- From the Frequently Unasked Questions
Q: What's the big deal about rm, I have been deleting stuff for years? And never lost anything.. oops! A: ... -- From the Frequently Unasked Questions
Q: Would you like to see the WINE list? A: What's on it, anything expensive? Q: No, just Solitaire and MineSweeper for now, but the WINE is free. -- Kevin M. Bealer, about the WINdows Emulator
Q: How does a Unix guru have sex? A: unzip;strip;touch;finger;mount;fsck;more;yes;umount;sleep -- unknown source
In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus. Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first? A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better. VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased business base. VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator is fifth grade arithmetic. IX: Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D. X: Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. People do not win people fights; lawyers do. -- Norman Augustine
Q. Why is this so clumsy? A. The trick is to use Perl's strengths rather than its weaknesses. -- Larry Wall in <8225@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>
... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE!
If I had a Q-TIP, I could prevent th' collapse of NEGOTIATIONS!!