|Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English)||by Linux fortune|
|Humorix Holiday Gift Idea #3|
iTux Penguin Computer
Price: $999.95 for base model
Producer: Orange Computer, Co.; 1-800-GET-ITUX
Based on the Slashdot comments, response to the Apple iMac from the Linux
community was lukewarm at best. Orange Computer, Co., has picked up where
Apple left behind and produced the iTux computer specifically for Linux users
who want to "Think a lot different".
The self-contained iTux computer system is built in the shape of Tux the
Penguin. Its 15 inch monitor (17 inch available next year) is located at
Tux's large belly. The penguin's two feet make up the split ergonomic
keyboard (without those annoying Windows keys, of course). A 36X CD-ROM
drive fits into Tux's mouth. Tux's left eye is actually the reboot button
(can be reconfigured for other purposes since it is rarely used) and his
right eye is the power button. The iTux case opens up from the back,
allowing easy access for screwdriver-wielding nerds into Tux's guts.
The US$995.95 model contains an Alpha CPU and all the usual stuff found in a
Linux-class machine. More expensive models, to be debuted next year, will
feature dual or quad Alpha CPUs and a larger size.
|Jargon Coiner (#5)|
An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.
* DUKE OF URL: A person who publishes their Netscape bookmark file on
* WWWLIZE (pronounced wuh-wuh-wuh-lize): Habit of unconsciously appending
www. in front of URLs, even when it's not necessary.
* DUBYA-DUBYA-DUBYA: Common pronounciation of "double-u double-u double-u"
when orally specifying a wwwlized address.
* ADVOIDANCE: iding a particularly annoying advertising banner by dragging
another window over it, or by placing your hand on the monitor to cover
Example: "Bob advoided any Microsoft banners he came across."
|Unobfuscated Perl (#1)|
A rogue group of Perl hackers has presented a plan to add a "use
really_goddamn_strict" pragma that would enforce readability and
UNobfuscation. With this pragma in force, the Perl compiler might say:
* Warning: Program contains zero comments. You've probably never seen or
used one before; they begin with a # symbol. Please start using them or
else a representative from the nearest Perl Mongers group will come to
your house and beat you over the head with a cluestick.
* Warning: Program uses a cute trick at line 125 that might make sense in
C. But this isn't C!
* Warning: Code at line 412 indicates that programmer is an idiot. Please
correct error between chair and monitor.
* Warning: While There's More Than One Way To Do It, your method at line
523 is particularly stupid. Please try again.
|<stu> you should be afraid to use KDE because RMS might come to your|
house and cleave your monitor with an axe or something :)
|* m2 stares at the monitor... it looks like a hamburger...|
<Knghtbrd> m2 - that's a bad sign
|God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone,|
Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too.
The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true.
The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get
Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2.
We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you,
They'll send without delay The network's also dead,
A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on
It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead.
The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks.
We'll bury them today. And only cards are read.
And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
Before we go away, Comfort and joy,
We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
Won't ruin your whole day.
You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way.
-- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
See how it runs! See how it runs!
Its monitor loses so totally!
It runs all its programs in RPG!
It's made by our favorite monopoly!
|monitor resolution too high|
|The monitor is plugged into the serial port|
|monitor VLF leakage|
|Post-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitor.|
|The monitor needs another box of pixels.|
|FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9|
has management potential:
Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the
reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department
A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God,
adapts to stress:
Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the
Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails
to meet them.
|... that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by|
the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on
hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS.
A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the
liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the
REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ...
-- Linden and Wihelminalaan
|When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple|
of asterisked sentences:
It weighs less than 8 pounds.*
And costs less than $1,300.**
In tiny type were these "fuller explanations":
* Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all
this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power
pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks
will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you
might not be able to figure this out for yourself.
** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if
you really want to. Or less.