Dictionary De - En
De - Es
De - Pt| Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English) | by Linux fortune |
| FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12 O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guiness is solid in the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning. With Julie Christie. | |
| FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3 MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET: Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way into your heart. | |
| FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5 THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives a glowing performance. | |
| FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9 THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min. Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.) | |
| FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37 Can you name the seven seas? Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, North Pacific, South Pacific. Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White? Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful. | |
| *** ******* ********* ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." ******* *** | |
| It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. -- Mark Twain | |
| As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: Newsgroups: comp.sources.d Subject: how do I run C code received from sources Keywords: C sources Distribution: na I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.) Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that must be done? | |
| Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been discontinued. | |
| Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of 'C' code to the first person on the list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add yours to the bottom of the list. Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's. Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today! For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip; when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor 1mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and '\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear. -- Donald Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 | |
| Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! Try: [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell) ^How did the^sex change operation go? (C shell) "How would you rate BSD vs. System V? %blow (C shell) 'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am' (C shell) got a light? (C shell) !!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell) PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense (Bourne shell) make love make "the perfect dry martini" man -kisses dog (anything up to 4.3BSD) i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i (Bourne shell) | |
| Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! Try: ar t "God" drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD) Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell) mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell) rm God man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell) date me (anything up to 4.3BSD) make "heads or tails of all this" who is smart (C shell) If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) | |
| fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies. | |
| fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. | |
| fortune: No such file or directory | |
| fortune: not found | |
| Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking to conquer the world. Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seeks fortune, for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" | |
| Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! | |
| I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not be economized by the aid of machinery. -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" | |
| Ignorance is bliss. -- Thomas Gray Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: BLISS is ignorance. | |
| >>> Internal error in fortune program: >>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator. | |
| It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built, everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never really needed in the first place. I expect every installation has its own pet software which is analogous to the above. -- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa | |
| My little brother got this fortune: nohup rm -fr /& So he did... | |
| The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984 | |
| Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ... | |
| Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir | |
| Fortune and love befriend the bold. -- Ovid | |
| Fortune favors the lucky. | |
| Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions. | |
| Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car. | |
| Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument. | |
| Uncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation. - Blaise Pascal | |
| I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, not even the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abtruse calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not be economized by the aid of machinery. - Charles Babbage, Passage from the Life of a Philosopher | |
| "Nine years of ballet, asshole." -- Shelly Long, to the bad guy after making a jump over a gorge that he couldn't quite, in "Outrageous Fortune" | |
| If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, Jolt Cola would be a Fortune-500 company. If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, you'd be able to buy a nice little colonial split-level at Babbages for $34.95. If programmers wrote programs the way builders build buildings, we'd still be using autocoder and running compile decks. -- Peter da Silva and Karl Lehenbauer, a different perspective | |
| 3rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped | |
| FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1 skilled oral communicator: Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self. Argues with self. Loses these arguments. skilled written communicator: Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else. growth potential: With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training, the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet the minimum requirements expected of him by the company. key company figure: Serves as the perfect counter example. | |
| FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4 consistent: Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. an excellent sounding board: Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. a planner and organizer: Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the animal tags on his clothing. | |
| FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9 has management potential: Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department pencil monitor. inspirational: A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God, go I.") adapts to stress: Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the situation. goal oriented: Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails to meet them. | |
| Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that the author of an memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact, the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: 1: When you agree completely with the author of an memo. 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. 3: When replying to one of your own memos. | |
| Misfortune, n.: The kind of fortune that never misses. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" | |
| University, n.: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and ... [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.] | |
| Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): Don't Write On Walls! (and underneath) You want I should type? | |
| Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. | |
| Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. -- Cheers, No Help Wanted Coach: How about a beer, Norm? Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. -- Cheers, No Help Wanted Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights | |
| Coach: What's up, Norm? Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights Coach: What's shaking, Norm? Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. -- Cheers, Snow Job Coach: Beer, Normie? Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young. -- Cheers, Snow Job | |
| Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." Juliet, this bud's for you. | |
| FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 Christmas Rum Cake 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until poothtick comes out crean. | |
| FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. | |
| FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? | |
| FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? | |
| FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 A: To be or not to be. Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? | |
| FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? | |
| FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 A: Chicken Teriyaki. Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? | |
| FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 A: Go west, young man, go west! Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? | |
| FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. | |
| Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608 of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the combination of beauty and power. Few have excelled him in the use of the English language, or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest single poem ever written." Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the bungling and greed of President Roosevelt. ... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. | |
| Fortune presents: USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1. ^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English? Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand. Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker renkontas. I've met. La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail. Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it. Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around. Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea. | |
| Fortune presents: USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2. ^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken? ^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often? ^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number? Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers. Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction. ^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going? | |
| Fortune presents: USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5. Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. ^cevalon. Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding. Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me! Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you? Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother? Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon. | |
| Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about 21st century aircraft: "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the pilot if he touches anything. -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988 [the *magazine*, silly!] | |
| FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. A giant panda bear is really a member of the racoon family. A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat rather then a spotted one. Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees while peauts grow underground. They are classified as a legume -- part of the pea family. A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit. | |
| FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44 Zebras are colored with dark stripes on a light background. | |
| FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14 What to do... if reality disappears? Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant. if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in. Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO. | |
| FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2 What to do... if you get a phone call from Mars: Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. if he, she or it doesn't speak English? Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before calling. if you get a phone call from Jupiter? Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the charges may have been reversed. | |
| FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6 What to do... if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help. if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your closet contains an alternate dimension? Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains an alternate dimension, nail it shut. | |
| Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? | |
| The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics Corporation defines a robot as 'Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With'. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the first against the wall when the revolution comes', with a footnote to effect that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking over the post of robotics correspondent. Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as 'a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the wall when the revolution came'. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" | |
| The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst have the good fortune to find one. -- Carlyle | |
| This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft, pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it. -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination" | |
| Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. "Hey you, get off my plate" -- Roger Midnight | |
| Fortune's diet truths: 1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream. 2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud. 3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish. 4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat. 5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as appealing as tepid beer. 6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place! 7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and it isn't. 8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable. 9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert! 10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies. 11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and swallowing. | |
| Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself the following questions: (1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? (2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? (3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. | |
| Candy Is dandy But liquor Is quicker. -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" Fortune updates the great quotes: #53. Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker, and sex won't rot your teeth. | |
| If I traveled to the end of the rainbow As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me The pot's at the other end. -- Bert Whitney | |
| Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Oh, and have a nice day! -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 | |
| You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. | |
| Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. | |
| FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe" Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland. | |
| ======================================================================= || || || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! || || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! || || || ======================================================================= Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: "Fortune Cookie" Directed by Steven Spielberg. Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. Special Effects by Timothy Leary. Read the Warner paperback! Invoke the Unix program! Soundtrack on XTC Records. In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal centers. | |
| 3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively tacky" meant until I read today's fortune. [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.] | |
| Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: (1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). (2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. (3) I don't know. (4) Who cares? (5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. (6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books). | |
| Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! | |
| By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent. -- R. Emerson -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] | |
| DELETE A FORTUNE! Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most, and we'll make sure it gets expunged. | |
| Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. | |
| Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators will be prosecuted. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) | |
| For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... | |
| For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. | |
| Fortune's current rates: Answers .10 Long answers .25 Answers requiring thought .50 Correct answers $1.00 Dumb looks are still free. | |
| Generic Fortune. | |
| Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only serves to blunt the warning signs. Long live the revolution! Have a nice day. | |
| I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what it means. | |
| If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. | |
| If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. | |
| Ignore previous fortune. | |
| Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. | |
| Pick another fortune cookie. | |
| Please ignore previous fortune. | |
| Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space, cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune. | |
| Sorry, no fortune this time. | |
| The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. | |
| There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. | |
| This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. | |
| This Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 | |
| This fortune intentionally left blank. | |
| This fortune intentionally not included. | |
| This fortune intentionally says nothing. | |
| This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible. | |
| This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! | |
| This fortune is false. | |
| This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. | |
| This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. | |
| This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. | |
| This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter. | |
| THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution of a pithy fortunes, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... | |
| This is your fortune. | |
| WARNING: Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. | |
| We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... | |
| What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? | |
| When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. | |
| I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun. Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks." -- Rodney Dangerfield | |
| FORTUNE'S RANDOM QUOTES FROM MATCH GAME 75, NO. 1: Gene Rayburn: We'd like to close with a thought for the day, friends --- something ... Someone: (interrupting) Uh-oh Gene Rayburn: ...pithy, full of wisdom --- and we call on the Poet Laureate, Lipsy Russell Lipsy Russell: The young people are very different today, and there is one sure way to know: Kids to use to ask where they came from, now they'll tell you where you can go. All: (laughter) | |
| This fortune does not require Microsoft Windows. | |
| Open Source Irrational Constant BREEZEWOOD, PA -- In a revelation that could rock the foundations of science, a researcher in Pennsylvania has discovered that the digits of the irrational constant PI encode a version of the Linux kernel. "I can't believe it," the researcher, Neil Hoffman, exclaimed. "And yet, here I am staring at what appears to be the source code for Linux kernel 5.0.0. Needless to say, my whole world-view has changed..." Hoffman explained, "My algorithm, which applies several dozen conversions and manipulations to each digit of PI, spits out plain vanilla ASCII characters that happen to form the source code for the Linux kernel." Many members of the scientific community are skeptical. One One mathematician who has memorized the digits of PI to 10,000 places said, "This is the kind of nonsense one would expect to find in a tabloid such as the National Mathematics Enquirer. Or a Linux fortune(6) file. Hoffman's 'discovery' is obviously a hoax designed to secure government research grants." In a related matter, we have received an unconfirmed report that a region of the Mandelbrot fractal contains what appear to be the words "LINUS TORVALDS WAS HERE". In addition, the words "TRANSMETA: THIS SECRET MESSAGE IS NOT HERE YET" supposedly appear within the depths of the Julia Set. | |
| When Computers Crash HOLLYWOOD -- The FOX TV Network has announced a new series of "reality shows" to be aired over the summer. The series, "When Computers Crash", will consist of five hour-long shows documenting the aftermath of serious computer crashes, failures, and other problems. This show comes on the heels of other FOX reality shows such as "World's Funniest Antitrust Trial Bloopers", "When Stupid TV Network Executives Create Bad Show Ideas", and "When Lame Fortune Files Poke Fun At FOX Reality Shows"... To coincide with the series, FOX will sponsor a publicity gimmick called "Crash & Win!" Contest participants will download a free Windows 9x/NT program that keeps track of the number of Blue Screens, Illegal Operations, or other fatal errors that force a reboot. When a crash occurs, the program will log it in an encrypted database, which will be periodically uploaded to the "FOX Crash & Win!" server. Prizes such as a "Deciphering Windows Error Messages for Dummies" book, a 1999 Ford "Gasguzzler" Sport Utility Vehicle, or a lifetime supply of stress relief medication will be awarded to participants based on the number of crashes they log. | |
| Jargon Coiner (#4) An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon that we've just made up. * FREE LECTURE: Attempting to explain the concepts of Linux, Open Source software, free software, and gift cultures to someone who is not familiar with them. Made extra difficult if the explainee has been misled by superficial mainstream news articles about the subject. Example: "Eric gave an hour-long free lecture to his mother-in-law after she asked him about this Linux thingy she read about in USA Today." * LEXICON LAZINESS: Filling a fortune file with a list of fake jargon instead of publishing something more substantive (and funny) that would take more effort to write. * FOR(;;)TUNE LOOP: Repeatedly running fortune(6) for cheap entertainment. Example: "During a coffee break, Bob became bored and started a for(;;)tune loop. His boss had to issue a SIGTERM to get him to resume working." | |
| Jargon Coiner (#6) An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon that we've just made up. * STOP MIRAGE: Trying to click on an imaginary Stop button on a program's toolbar after doing something you didn't want to. Usually caused as the result of excessive use of Netscape. * YA-PREFIX: Putting "another" or "yet another" in front of a name or tacking "YA" in front of an acronym. Example: "We could ya-prefix this fortune by titling it 'Yet Another Lame List of Fabricated Jargon'." * DOMAINEERING: Using a service like Netcraft to determine what operating system and webserver a particular domain is running. * NOT-A-SALTINE EXPLANATION: The canned response given to someone who uses the term "hacker" instead of "cracker". | |
| Jargon Coiner (#7) An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon that we've just made up. * O'REILLY O'WRITING: Going to a bookstore and copying down notes from an O'Reilly computer book that you can't afford. * DEEP WRITE MODE: Similar to "deep hack mode", but applies to people writing editorials or (very rarely) Slashdot comments. The author of this fortune file sometimes experiences "deep humor mode". * EDITORIAL WAR: Skirmishes between two or more parties carried out via strongly-worded editorials published to sites like Slashdot, Linux Today, etc. ESR and RMS are frequently engaged in this. * THREENYM: Referring to someone by the first letter of their three names. Used by some people (RMS and ESR), but not others (has anybody ever tried to refer to Linus Torvalds as "LBT"?). | |
| What Did Santa Claus Bring You In 1999? (#1) LINUS TORVALDS: Santa didn't bring me anything, but Tim O'Reilly just gave me a large sum of money to publish my new book, "Linus Torvalds' Official Guide To Receiving Fame, Fortune, and Hot Babes By Producing Your Own Unix-Like Operating System In Only 10 Years". ORDINARY LINUX HACKER: I kept hinting to my friends and family that I wanted to build my own Beowulf Cluster. My grandmother got mixed up and gave me a copy of "Beowulf's Chocolate Cluster Cookbook". I like chocolate, but I would've preferred silicon. LINUX LONGHAIR: My friends sent me a two-year subscription to several Ziff-Davis publications, much to my dislike. I don't want to read Jesse Berst's rants against Linux, or John Dvorak's spiels about how great Windows 2000 is. Still, I suppose this isn't so bad. Ziff-Davis glossy paper makes an excellent lining for fireplaces. | |
| The Humorix Oracle explains how to get a job at a major corporation: 1. Find an exploit in Microsoft IIS or another buggy Microsoft product to which large corporations rarely apply security patches. 2. Create a virus or worm that takes advantage of this exploit and then propogates itself by selecting IP numbers at random and then trying to infect those machines. 3. Keep an eye on your own website's server logs. When your virus starts propogating, your server will be hit with thousands of attacks from other infected systems trying to spread the virus to your machine. 4. Make a list of the IP numbers of all of the infected machines. 5. Perform a reverse DNS lookup on these IP numbers. 6. Make a note of all of the Fortune 500 companies that appear on the list of infected domains. 7. Send your resume to these companies and request an interview for a system administrator position. These companies are hiring -- whether they realize it or not. 8. Use your new salary to hire a good defense lawyer when the FBI comes knocking. | |
| An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote excellence: "The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" | |
| Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people you've made happy. | |
| Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? No, I guess not. | |
| Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep. | |
| The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero | |
| FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!" -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965 | |
| FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!" -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954 | |
| <knghtbrd> *snipsnip* <rcw> oh dear, is that the sound of fortune-database editing? <Joy> uh oh <knghtbrd> Yes => | |
| Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive as that in support of an affirmative. -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472. | |
| Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it seems to us that someone has been very careless. -- 78 So. 365. | |
| Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person. -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466. | |
| Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses. | |
| Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is that female oysters through their living habits cast out large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of fertilization ... HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many teenagers who read The Congressional Record. | |
| Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: Q: Are you married? A: No, I'm divorced. Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A: A lot of things I didn't know about. | |
| Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. | |
| Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25: Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, and you didn't scream? A: No ma'am. Q: Does that mean you consented? A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious. | |
| Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ... | |
| Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A: I will be three months November 8th. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? | |
| Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A: No. Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? A: Picking them up in the air. Q: Where was the dog at this time? A: Attached to the ears. | |
| Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. | |
| Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? | |
| Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: Q: What is your name? A: Ernestine McDowell. Q: And what is your marital status? A: Fair. | |
| Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you? A: No. | |
| It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental results to humans. [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.] | |
| A halted retreat Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. To retain people as men -- and maidservants Brings good fortune. | |
| FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 Never goose a wolverine. | |
| FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn. | |
| It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life. | |
| He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. -- Bion | |
| The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune. | |
| Fortune's Exercising Truths: 1: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't. 2. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks. 3. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life. 4. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing. 5. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as you twitter around in your chair. 6. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys mosts is tripping joggers. 7. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity. 8. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups, followed by one throw-up. 9. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided. | |
