|Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English)||by Linux fortune|
|Humorix Holiday Gift Idea #4|
Microsoft Destruction Kit
Price: US$29.95 (more with optional digital camera or shotgun)
Producer: The Fuzzier Image; 1-800-BILL-SUX
Mix an Internet Explorer CD-ROM, a rocket launcher, and a flamethrower. What
do you have? A whole lot of fun! The Microsoft Destruction Kit is the best
way to destroy those Microsoft CD-ROMs you no longer need now that you've
discovered Linux. You can launch the CD (and registration forms, manuals,
retail boxes, license agreements, etc.) and pepper it with bullets, all while
capturing the event with a digital camera. Or, you can use the included
miniature flamethrower to burn the evil CD to a crisp. The kit comes with a
set of IE 4.0 CDs to get you started. Tell Microsoft "where *you* want
it to go today" in style with the Microsoft Destruction Kit.
|Humorix Holiday Gift Idea #9|
This detective firm is not what you'd expect. Instead of tracking murderers or
unfaithful husbands, this band of rogue private investigators goes after
something just as sinister -- spammers. For a modest annual retainer fee,
these spam detectives will track down the source of every piece of spam you
Using the latest in forensic technology, they will bring you the virtual scalp
of the spammer -- their name, home address, social-security number, and, more
importantly, credit card numbers. At this point you are free to pursue the
evil spammer as you see fit.
If your friend or relative is sick of receiving wave after wave of "Find Out
Anything About Anyone" spams, give them a subscription to Dial-A-Detective,
and they'll find out anything about any spammer -- for real.
|Microsoft ActivePromo Campaign: "State Innovation Day"|
Microsoft has successfully lobbied for the State of Washington to declare
August 24th as State Innovation Day. Efforts are underway to lobby the US
Congress to decree a similar designation nationally. Several events are
scheduled on August 24, 1999 to showcase "innovation" in the computer
industry (in other words, Microsoft), including:
* An "Innovation Day Parade" held in downtown Seattle, featuring
floats and helium-filled balloons representing various Microsoft products
(Dancing Paper Clip, Microsoft Bob, Flying Windows Logo, etc.)
* An "Innovation is Cool" essay contest for high school and
college students. Possible topics include "Why IE Should Be Integrated in
Windows", "Why Bill Gates Is My Hero", "Government Intervention is Evil",
and "Why Monopolies Improve Product Quality and Lower Prices".
* A 24-hour "Innovation in Education" telethon on NBC to raise money for
school districts nationwide to buy new Wintel computer systems and Internet
access through the Microsoft Network.
|Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#1)|
Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill
out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade.
Question 1: What is your opinion of the Microsoft antitrust trial?
A. The DoJ is wasting taxpayer's money. Now, if the DOJ were to upgrade
all of its computer systems to Windows, then the department would be
making wise use of tax dollars.
B. All of the Microsoft email messages that the evil government has
presented as evidence are obviously taken out of context or have been
completely twisted around. I mean... Bill Gates would never say "let's
cut off their air supply" in a memo; it's an obvious fabrication.
C. Judge Jackson is obviously biased in favor of the DOJ's vigilante
persecution of Microsoft.
D. If Microsoft loses, it will be the gravest miscarriage of justice in
all the history of mankind.
|Jargon Coiner (#8)|
An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.
* STAR SPINOFFS: Applying themes and ideas from "Star Wars" and "Star
Trek" to contemporary events.
Examples: "Let the Source be with you!", "Microsoft is the Evil Empire",
"Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated by Microsoft".
* TRADEMARKIZATION(tm): Giving a phrase special meaning by appending a
trademark symbol to it.
Examples: "Think Free Speech, Not Free Beer(tm)", "Real Soon Now(tm)",
"Blue Screen of Death(tm)"
|Jargon Coiner (#13)|
An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.
* NINETY-NINERS: In 1849, a horde of people ("Forty-niners") headed to
California to pan gold and get rich quick. In 1999, a horde of people
("Ninety-niners") headed to California to invest in Linux companies and
get rich quick. Some things never change.
* ZOO: The ubiquitous shelf of O'Reilly Animal Books that many nerds keep
next to their computer
* THEY'RE MULTIPLYING LIKE PORTALS: The proliferation of Linux portals
that have the latest headlines from Slashdot and LinuxToday but offer
little original content.
* YOU CAN SPELL EVIL WITHOUT vi: A curse uttered by freshman Computer
Science students struggling with vi's insert mode for the first time.
|OPPRESSED GEEK: Everybody keeps blaming me for the Y2K problem, the|
Melissa Virus, Windows crashes... you name it. When somebody finds out
you're a bona fide geek, they start bugging you about computer problems. I
frequently hear things like, "Why can't you geeks make Windows work
right?", "What kind of idiot writes a program that can't handle the year
2000?", "Geeks are evil, all they do is write viruses", and "The Internet
is the spawn of Satan".
I'm afraid to admit I have extensive computing experience. When somebody
asks what kind of job I have, I always lie. From my experience, admitting
that you're a geek is an invitation to disaster.
LARRY WALL: I know, I know. I sometimes say that I'm the founder of a
pearl harvesting company instead of admitting that I'm the founder of the
Perl programming language.
ERIC S. RAYMOND: This is tragic. We can't live in a world like this. We
need your donations to fight social oppression and ignorance against
-- Excerpt from the Geek Grok '99 telethon
|Affordable Virtual Beowulf Cluster |
Every nerd drools over Beowulf clusters, but very few have even seen one,
much less own one. Until now, that is. Eric Gylgen, the open source hacker
famous for EviL (the dancing ASCII paperclip add-on to vi), is working on
a program that will emulate Beowulf clusters on a standard desktop PC.
"Of course," he added candidly, "the performance of my virtual cluster
will be many orders of magnitude less than a real cluster, but that's not
really the point. I just want to be able to brag that I run a 256 node
cluster. Nobody has to know I only spent $500 on the hardware it uses."
Eric has prior experience in this field. Last month he successfully built
a real 32 node Beowulf cluster out of Palm Pilots, old TI-8x graphing
calculators, various digital cameras, and even some TRS-80s.
He demonstrated a pre-alpha version of his VirtualEpicPoem software to us
yesterday. His Athlon machine emulated a 256 node Beowulf cluster in which
each node, running Linux, was emulating its own 16 node cluster in which
each node, running Bochs, was emulating VMWare to emulate Linux running
old Amiga software. The system was extremely slow, but it worked.
|Brief History Of Linux (#9)|
Edison's most important invention
One of Thomas Edison's most profound inventions was that of patent
litigation. Edison used his many patents on motion pictures to monopolize
the motion picture industry. One could argue that Edison was an early
pioneer for the business tactics employed by Microsoft and the MPAA.
Indeed, Edison's company, the Motion Picture Patent Company (MPPC), formed
in 1908, bears a striking resemblance to the modern-day Motion Picture
Association of America (MPAA). Similar initials, different people, same
evil. The MPCC, with the help of hired thugs, ensured that all motion
picture producers paid tribute to Edison and played by his rules. The
MPAA, with the help of hired lawyers, ensures that all motion picture
producers pay tribute and play by their rules.
Ironically, filmmakers that found themselves facing Edison patent
litigation (or worse) fled to Texas, California, and Mexico. Those same
filmmakers outlasted Edison's monopoly and eventually banded together to
form the MPAA! History has a tendency to repeat itself; so it seems likely
that today's DVD lawsuit victims may well come to power in the future --
and soon become the evil establishment, thus completing another cycle.
|Brief History Of Linux (#11)|
Birth of Gates and the Anti-Gates
October 28, 1955 saw the birth of William H. Gates, who would rise above
his humble beginnings as the son of Seattle's most powerful millionaire
lawyer and become the World's Richest Man(tm). A classic American
rags-to-riches story (with "rags" referring to the dollar bills that the
Gates family used for toilet paper), Bill Gates is now regarded as the
world's most respected businessman by millions of clueless people that
have obviously never touched a Windows machine.
Nature is all about balance. The birth of Gates in 1955 tipped the cosmic
scales toward evil, but the birth of Linus Torvalds in 1969 finally
balanced them out. Linus' destiny as the savior of Unix and the slayer of
money-breathing Redmond dragons was sealed when, just mere hours after his
birth, the Unix epoch began January 1st, 1970. While the baseline for Unix
timekeeping might be arbitrary, we here at Humorix like to thank the its
proximity of Linus' birth is no coincidence.
|Brief History Of Linux (#13)|
Wanted: Eunuchs programmers
Everything you know about the creation of the Unix operating system is
wrong. We have uncovered the truth: Unix was a conspiracy hatched by
Ritchie and Thompson to thwart the AT&T monopoly that they worked for. The
system, code-named EUNUCHS (Electronic UNtrustworthy User-Condemning
Horrible System), was horribly conceived, just as they had planned.
The OS, quickly renamed to a more respectable "Unix", was adopted first by
Ma Bell's Patent Department and then by the rest of the monopoly. AT&T saw
an inexpensive, multi-user, portable operating system that it had all
rights to; the authors, however, saw a horrible, multi-crashing system
that the Evil Ma Bell Empire would become hopelessly dependent on. AT&T
would go bankrupt trying to maintain the system and eventually collapse.
That didn't happen. Ritchie and Thompson were too talented to create a
crappy operating system; no matter how hard they tried the system was too
good. Their last ditch effort to sabotage the system by recoding it
obfuscated C was unsuccessful. Before long Unix spread outside of Bell
Labs and their conspiracy collapsed.
|Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Microsoft Shareholder's Children? |
The Evil Monopoly will soon be a duopoly of MICROS~1 and MICROS~2 now that
Judge Jackson has made his ruling. Geeks everywhere are shedding tears of
joy, while Microsoft investors are shedding real tears. But not everybody
is ecstatic about the ruling. "It dawned on me today that if Microsoft is
broken up, we won't have anyone to bash anymore. We can have that," said
Rob Graustein, the founder of the new "Save Microsoft Now! Campaign".
Rob continued, "I know what you're thinking! I have not been
assimilated... er, hired... by Microsoft. I'm not crazy. I haven't been
paid off. My life as a geek revolves around bashing Microsoft. I mean, I
own the world's largest collection of anti-Microsoft T-shirts and
underwear. It's time to take a stand against the elimination of Geek Enemy
Most observers agree that Mr. Graustein's brain has gone 404. "This guy is
nuts! Support Microsoft? I can't believe I'm hearing this. Even fake news
sites couldn't make up this kind of insanity."
|Anonymous Noncoward writes, "For my Economics 101 class, I have to pretend|
to be Bill Gates and write an editorial defending Microsoft against
anti-trust charges, citing economic principles. To complete such an
assignment violates every moral fiber of my body. What should I do?"
The Oracle responds: Well, it seems that you have to make a decision among
two choices. You can blow off the assignment, thus forcing you to fail
EC101, lowering your GPA below the required minimum to keep your
scholarship, causing you to drop out of college and work at McDonalds all
your life. Or you can write a paper that's positive towards Microsoft and
make an 'A'. This seems like a no-brainer to me; I'd choose the first
option without hesitation -- a burger flipper has far more dignity and
self-respect than somebody who utters a positive statement about the Evil
|The Socioeconomic Group Formerly Known As "Geeks" |
Nobody wants to be called a "geek" anymore. The label, once worn proudly by
members of the tech community as a symbol of their separation from mainstream
society, is now suddenly out of style.
It all started last week when some clueless PR firm released a list of the
"Top 100 Geeks", including such anti-geeks as Bill Gates, Janet Reno, Paul
Allen, and Jeff "One-Click" Bezos. Meanwhile, the Wall Street Journal reported
that businessmen in South Korea are striving for the "Geek Chic" image by
dressing like Bill Gates.
Now that the Chief Bloatware Architect has been identified as a "geek",
everybody else has bailed ship. Still undecided on a new label, the community
now calls itself the S.E.G.K.A.G. (SocioEconomic Group formerly Known As
"I cannot tolerate belonging to the same subculture as Bill Gates!" explained
one former geek. "If that manifestation of evil is called a 'geek', then so be
it. I am now officially a nerd."
|Microsoft Fights Linux -- By Contributing Kernel Patches |
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em... and then destory 'em. That seems to be the
new Microsoft strategy for dealing with Linux. Instead of fighting a FUD or
patent war, Microsoft operatives are doing something totally out of character:
they are contributing patches for the Linux kernel and other programs.
Don't worry, Microsoft is still evil. It's all part of a massive denial of
service attack against Linus Torvalds designed to bring kernel development to
a standstill. By sending over 10,000 patches per minute by email to Linus and
other top kernel hackers, Microsoft has exposed Linux's Achilles heel.
"I can't believe this is happening!" one stressed-out kernel hacker said at a
press conference on IRC. "If this goes on, we may have to conduct kernel
development over some other network protocol, like avian carriers... Aw crap,
there's smoke coming from my email server! Ahh... it can't handle the load!"
At this point the developer cut off and we haven't heard from him since.
At first Linus was unsure where the deluge of patches was coming from. But
when he saw one patch to replace kernel panics with bluescreens, the source
was pretty obvious. "Oh, and the fact that all of the patches are covered by
Microsoft's GPL [Grossly Private License] was a dead giveaway, too,"
|Official National Anthem Of The Geek Paradise Of Humorixia|
(second verse, abridged)
Patents, copyrights, and trademarks,
Those evil lawyers are worse than sharks.
We can't escape their vice-like grip,
We're slaves to their class-action whip,
We all must fight this evil abomination,
Join together and strive for world domination!
Tell those bloodsucking ticks, "See ya!"
And move on over to Humor-ix-ia!
Kill all the lawyers!
Oh, kill all the lawyers!
Let's "kill -9 lawyers" now!
Let's "kill -9 lawyers" now!
...Humorixia! There is no conspiracy!
|NEW YORK -- Publishers from all across the country met this week at the|
first annual Book Publishers Assocation of America (BPAA) meeting. Many of
the booths on the showroom floor were devoted to the single most important
issue facing the publishing industry: fighting copyright violations. From
"End Reader License Agreements" to age-decaying ink, the anti-copying
market has exploded into a multi-million dollar enterprise.
"How can authors and publishers hope to make ends meet when the country is
rapidly filling with evil libraries that distribute our products for free
to the general public?" asked the chairman of the BPAA during his keynote
address. "That blasted Andrew Carnegie is spending all kinds of his own
ill-gotten money to open libraries in cities nationwide. He calls it
charity. I call it anti-competitive business practices hoping to bankrupt
the entire publishing industry. We must fight these anti-profit,
pro-copying librarians and put an end to this scourge!"
-- from the February 4, 1895 edition of the New York Democrat-Republican
|Microsoft Employees Go On Strike, Demand Reduced Salaries |
REDMOND, WA -- Several hundred programmers walked off their jobs at
Microsoft Headquarters on Friday to protest their shoddy public image. "My
friends all think I'm a servant of Satan because I get my paycheck from
Microsoft," explained Microserf Eric Eshleman. "If I didn't make so much
money, I'd have more of a backbone to shout 'No!' when my supervisor
demands that I include some new virus-delivery feature in Outlook."
The striking programmers demand salary cuts, less benefits, and zero stock
options. Their labor union, the Brotherhood Of Programmers Sick Of Being
Called Evil, hopes to get some face time with Microsoft executives and
touch base on reaching a proactive agreement leveraging the latest
innovatives in PR to produce a synergistic worldwide buzzword-enhanced
advertising campaign that showcases Microsoft associates as enlightened
engineers instead of morally bankrupt bastards bent on world domination.
Earlier today, about 150 strikers formed a picket line near the front
entrance to Bill Gates' mansion. They carried signs saying "Hell no we're
not going to Hell", "I want to be able to sleep at night", "Why does the
public hate us so much?" and "I'm fed up with ethical dilemmas".
| Evil isn't all bad.|
|Certain things are too horrible to auction on the Web.|
Consider that eBay recently halted auctions on:
Pretty soon they're gonna ban sales on pentagrams and demon-summoning
Is there anywhere on the web where it's still safe to sell Evil Things?
-- From a Slashdot.org post in response to eBay voiding auctions
of legitimate second-hand Microsoft products
|And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports|
on it, you know they are just evil lies."
(By Linus Torvalds, Linus.Torvalds@cs.helsinki.fi)
|And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports|
on it, you know they are just evil lies.
-- Linus Torvalds
|Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.|
Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.
-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
|Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!|
We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!
There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass,
Be careful as you pass, move along, move along.
Come inside, the show's about to start,
Guaranteed to blow your head apart.
Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth,
Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth!
You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo!
You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll!
-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
|Well, my daddy left home when I was three,|
And he didn't leave much for Ma and me,
Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid,
But the meanest thing that he ever did,
Was before he left he went and named me Sue.
But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars,
I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars,
And kill the man that give me that awful name.
It was Gatlinburg in mid-July,
I'd just hit town and my throat was dry,
Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew,
At an old saloon on a street of mud,
Sitting at a table, dealing stud,
Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue.
Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad,
From a wornout picture that my Mother had,
And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye...
-- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue"
|When my fist clenches crack it open,|
Before I use it and lose my cool.
When I smile tell me some bad news,
Before I laugh and act like a fool.
And if I swallow anything evil,
Put you finger down my throat.
And if I shiver please give me a blanket,
Keep me warm let me wear your coat
No one knows what it's like to be the bad man,
to be the sad man.
Behind blue eyes.
No one knows what its like to be hated,
to be fated,
To telling only lies.
-- The Who
|"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"|
-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
|Honi soit qui mal y pense.|
[Evil to him who evil thinks.]
-- Motto of the Order of the Garter (est. Edward III)
|No evil can happen to a good man.|
|<Flood> netgod: I also have a "Evil Inside" T-shirt (w/ Intel logo).. on|
the back it states: "When the rapture comes, will you have root?"
|* joeyh cvs commits his home directory. Aaaaaa|
<drow> joeyh: That is simply evil. Period.
|* bma is a yank|
* Knghtbrd is a Knghtbrd
* dhd is also a yank
* Espy is evil
* Knghtbrd believes Espy
|Lucas' Law: Good will always win, because evil hires the _stupid_|
|<knghtbrd> Solver_: add users who should be messing with sound to group|
audio.. Make sure the devices are all group audio (ls -l
/dev/dsp will give you the fastest indication if it's probably
set right) and build a kernel with sound support for your card
<knghtbrd> OR optionally install alsa source and build modules for that
<knghtbrd> OR (not recommended) get and install evil OSS/Linux evil
non-free evil binary only evil drivers---but those are evil.
And did I mention that it's not recommended?
|<Culus> And don't get me started on perl!|
<shaleh> perl is beyond evil
<jim> you don't know perl yet?
<netgod> gotta love a language with no definable syntax
|<Xavvy> is that really knghtbrd?|
<Knghtbrd> No, I'm an EVIL IMPOSTOR!
<Knghtbrd> An evil impostor who LIKES HYBRID!
<Xavvy> ok, it's him :P
| It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden|
directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire.
During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the
Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with
enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's
sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script,
custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore
freedom and games to the network...
|Premature optimization is the root of all evil.|
-- D.E. Knuth
|The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,|
in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.
But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
-- Matthew 5:37
|Unix soit qui mal y pense|
[Unix to him who evil thinks?]
|Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall fear no|
evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic operators together.
-- Steve Higgins
|Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.|
|So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what|
is the root of money?
-- Ayn Rand
The evil aye.
| "Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."|
"Or by misleading the innocent."
-- Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead",
|It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted.|
-- Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
|Without followers, evil cannot spread.|
-- Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
|Yes, it is written. Good shall always destroy evil.|
-- Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
|For good, return good.|
For evil, return justice.
| ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither|
does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to
combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is
-- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
|I hope you're not pretending to be evil while secretly being good.|
That would be dishonest.
|Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.|
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
|Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty only because there is ugliness.|
All can know good as good only because there is evil.
Therefore having and not having arise together.
Difficult and easy complement each other.
Long and short contrast each other:
High and low rest upon each other;
Voice and sound harmonize each other;
Front and back follow one another.
Therefore the sage goes about doing nothing, teaching no-talking.
The ten thousand things rise and fall without cease,
Creating, yet not.
Working, yet not taking credit.
Work is done, then forgotten.
Therefore it lasts forever.
|Give up learning, and put an end to your troubles.|
Is there a difference between yes and no?
Is there a difference between good and evil?
Must I fear what others fear? What nonsense!
Other people are contented, enjoying the sacrificial feast of the ox.
In spring some go to the park, and climb the terrace,
But I alone am drifting, not knowing where I am.
Like a newborn babe before it learns to smile,
I am alone, without a place to go.
Others have more than they need, but I alone have nothing.
I am a fool. Oh, yes! I am confused.
Others are clear and bright,
But I alone am dim and weak.
Others are sharp and clever,
But I alone am dull and stupid.
Oh, I drift like the waves of the sea,
Without direction, like the restless wind.
Everyone else is busy,
But I alone am aimless and depressed.
I am different.
I am nourished by the great mother.
|Ruling the country is like cooking a small fish.|
Approach the universe with Tao,
And evil is not powerful,
But its power will not be used to harm others.
Not only will it do no harm to others,
But the sage himself will also be protected.
They do not hurt each other,
And the Virtue in each one refreshes both.
|Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,|
no one we know belongs.
| Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?|
Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
never comes again. San Fransisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we
were doing was right, that we were winning...
And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory
over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't
need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting
-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest
of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go
up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes
you can almost ___see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally
broke and rolled back.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
|The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of|
altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the
facts that needs altering.
-- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
|The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and|
incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
-- Emo Philips
|World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century since|
H.G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil thing on
earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately -- it is
the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds together more
baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of error in the world."
-- Sydney Harris
|Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.|
(1) It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
(2) It's cheaper than going to France.
(3) It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
(4) Life is short.
(5) It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
(6) It matches my eyes.
(7) Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
(8) To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
(9) Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
(10) Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
(11) I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
(12) It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
|"Irrationality is the square root of all evil"|
-- Douglas Hofstadter
|Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the|
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats in
their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every respect.
And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside it, for it
was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, then they put
them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they chipped at it a bit,
and everything was just fine ...
-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
|Linus Torvalds wrote:|
> Or are they just trying to strongarm the move to the horrid ACPI tables?
They are certainly involved in the latter but whether this is related or
a seperate evil empire scheme is open to question
- Alan Cox on linux-kernel
|> If you took my patch for it, PLEASE don't send it for inclusion; it's an|
> evil hack and no longer needed when Intel fixes the bug in their 440GX bios.
"when" is not a word I find useful about most bios bugs. Try "if" or
"less likely that being hit on the head by an asteroid"
- Alan Cox on linux-kernel
|Evil dogs hypnotized the night shift|
|evil hackers from Serbia.|
|Webmasters kidnapped by evil cult.|
|Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized|
that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
*thousands* of words to say it.
Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
major world power.
I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
-- Dave Barry
| "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff|
and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails.
You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at
night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love,
you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your
honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for
it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is
the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be
tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning
is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn."
-- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King"
|The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable|
that I assume it must be evil.
-- Heywood Broun
|Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:|
SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's
left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world
populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to
him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable
line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!"
FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a
fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on
unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed
with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish
with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on
diets that are driving them crazy.
FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same.
Except with sour cream.
|Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents:|
THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day
McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth
to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly
behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..."
A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name,
rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover
of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and
general butter-melting by all.
FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter
Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater!
|The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.|
- Edmund Burke
|"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."|
-- George Carlin
|"And remember: Evil will always prevail, because Good is dumb."|
|"Look! There! Evil!.. pure and simple, total evil from the Eighth Dimension!"|
-- Buckaroo Banzai
|Absolute: Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in which|
the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. Not
many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by
limited monarchies, where the soverign's power for evil (and for good) is
greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance.
-- Ambrose Bierce
|"The lesser of two evils -- is evil."|
-- Seymour (Sy) Leon
|An evil mind is a great comfort.|
|Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil|
of others, but it is seldom a mistake.
-- H.L. Mencken
|For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.|
-- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
|For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble:|
and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.
-- Sir Thomas More
|I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable|
to sit still in a room.
-- Blaise Pascal
|Lack of money is the root of all evil.|
-- George Bernard Shaw
|So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far|
as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical
way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.
-- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
|We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all.|