Dictionary De - En
De - Es
De - Pt| Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English) | by Linux fortune |
| The Great Movie Posters: HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! -- The Cycle Savages (1969) The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It! -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971) TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS! -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill) They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger! -- The Corpse Grinders (1971) | |
| Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm a private eye. -- "Calvin & Hobbes" | |
| The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. -- Mark Twain | |
| Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! Try: ar t "God" drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD) Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell) mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell) rm God man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell) date me (anything up to 4.3BSD) make "heads or tails of all this" who is smart (C shell) If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) | |
| OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold. | |
| The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air due to levitation. Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur if the character does not have fire resistance. -- README file from the NetHack game | |
| Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it. | |
| A soft drink turneth away company. | |
| But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? [2 Kings 18:27 (KJV)] | |
| The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air due to levitation. Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur if the character does not have fire resistance. - README file from the NetHack game | |
| "I distrust a man who says 'when.' If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does." -- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_ | |
| I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they will be happy. -- Thomas Jefferson | |
| College: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. | |
| hacker, n.: Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, 'hack'. In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty: Hacker's Fight Song He's a Hack! He's a Hack! He's a guy with the happy knack! Never bungles, never shirks, Always gets his stuff to work! All take a drink (important!) | |
| omnibiblious, adj.: Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. I'm omnibiblious." | |
| party, n.: A gathering where you meet people who drink so much you can't even remember their names. | |
| QOTD: "I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome." | |
| QOTD: "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question." | |
| Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink. | |
| If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. | |
| A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to drink with -- even if he drank. -- H.L. Mencken | |
| Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name. | |
| Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" | |
| Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero ... must drink brandy. -- Samuel Johnson | |
| Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it. | |
| Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. | |
| Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in season, eggs... | |
| Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. -- Jimmy Cannon | |
| FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 Christmas Rum Cake 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until poothtick comes out crean. | |
| Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): fifth of dry red wine fifth of Aquavit 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon 10 cardamom seeds 1 cup raisins 4 dried figs 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds a few pieces of dried orange peel 5 cloves 1/2 lb. sugar cubes Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish extraction. | |
| I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" | |
| I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good. -- K. Coates | |
| I drink to make other people interesting. -- George Jean Nathan | |
| I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. -- Richard Burton | |
| I will not drink! But if I do... I will not get drunk! But if I do... I will not in public! But if I do... I will not fall down! But if I do... I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge. | |
| I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember, when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day! | |
| I've always made it a solemn practice to never drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast. -- R. Nesson | |
| If you don't drink it, someone else will. | |
| If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people. | |
| In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin in a very familiar pose -- arms raised above him, leading the country to revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops. It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go. | |
| Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass, and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?" "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've named a drink Fred?" | |
| Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. | |
| No, I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem! | |
| Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we aren't poets. | |
| One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar. Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has been havin' all these years." Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty. Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself." | |
| Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract. (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. (8) Add an olive. (9) Drink... but... very carefully... | |
| Sam: What do you know there, Norm? Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? -- Cheers, Loverboyd Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm? Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead. -- Cheers, Loverboyd Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room. -- Cheers, Loverboyd | |
| Sam: What's the good word, Norm? Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up. -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday Sam: Whaddya say, Norm? Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes. -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer. -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie | |
| Sam: What's new, Norm? Norm: Most of my wife. -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One Coach: Beer, Norm? Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it. -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone Coach: What's doing, Norm? Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig. -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways | |
| Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. | |
| Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. -- W.C. Fields | |
| Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. Problem: Glass empty. Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. -- Bar Troubleshooting | |
| The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" | |
| The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent effort, I learned to like it. -- Winston Churchill | |
| These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. | |
| When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks. As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto the bar, "*everybody* pays!" | |
| Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? | |
| Q: What do monsters eat? A: Things. Q: What do monsters drink? A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.) | |
| Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while visiting, they always take three. | |
| Trying to get an education here is like trying to get a drink from a fire hose. | |
| Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those little paper envelopes. | |
| The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket, he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin. As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more. Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name isn't Dave!" | |
| If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup. | |
| Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm beer because they have Lucas refrigerators. | |
| MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! Please, don't drink and derive. Mathematicians Against Drunk Deriving | |
| 1893 The ideal brain tonic 1900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all soda fountains 1905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent 1905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain 1906 The drink of QUALITY 1907 Good to the last drop 1907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate 1907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea 1908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate 1917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola 1919 It satisfies thirst 1919 The taste is the test 1922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst 1922 Thirst knows no season 1925 Enjoy the sociable drink -- Coca-Cola slogans | |
| 1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty 1929 The high sign of refreshment 1929 The pause that refreshes 1930 It had to be good to get where it is 1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing 1935 The pause that brings friends together 1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed 1938 The best friend thirst ever had 1939 Thirst stops here 1942 It's the real thing 1947 Have a Coke 1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING 1963 Things go better with Coke 1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand 1979 Have a Coke and a smile 1982 Coke is it! -- Coca-Cola slogans | |
| Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. | |
| Eat drink and be merry! Tommorrow you may be in Utah. | |
| Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. | |
| Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. | |
| "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work." | |
| Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows. | |
| And if you wonder, What I am doing, As I am heading for the sink. I am spitting out all the bitterness, Along with half of my last drink. | |
| Drink and dance and laugh and lie Love, the reeling midnight through For tomorrow we shall die! (But, alas, we never do.) -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" | |
| Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest, Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island" | |
| I think that I shall never hear A poem lovelier than beer. The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap, With golden base and snowy cap. The stuff that I can drink all day Until my mem'ry melts away. Poems are made by fools, I fear But only Schlitz can make a beer. | |
| I'll learn to play the Saxophone, I play just what I feel. Drink Scotch whisky all night long, And die behind the wheel. They got a name for the winners in the world, I want a name when I lose. They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, Call me Deacon Blues. -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues" | |
| If all be true that I do think, There be five reasons why one should drink; Good friends, good wine, or being dry, Or lest we should be by-and-by, Or any other reason why. | |
| Little Fly, Thy summer's play If thought is life My thoughtless hand And strength & breath, Has brush'd away. And the want Of thought is death, Am not I A fly like thee? Then am I Or art not thou A happy fly A man like me? If I live Or if I die. For I dance And drink & sing, Till some blind hand Shall brush my wing. -- William Blake, "The Fly" | |
| Sing hey! for the bath at close of day That washes the weary mud away! A loon is he that will not sing: O! Water Hot is a noble thing! O! Sweet is the sound of falling rain, and the brook that leaps from hill to plain; but better than rain or rippling streams is Water Hot that smokes and steams. O! Water cold we may pour at need down a thirsty throat and be glad indeed; but better is Beer, if drink we lack, and Water Hot poured down the back. O! Water is fair that leaps on high in a fountain white beneath the sky; but never did fountain sound so sweet as splashing Hot Water with my feet! -- J. R. R. Tolkien | |
| T: One big monster, he called TROLL. He don't rock, and he don't roll; Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. -- The Roguelet's ABC | |
| Terence, this is stupid stuff: You eat your victuals fast enough; There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, To see the rate you drink your beer. But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, It gives a chap the belly-ache. The cow, the old cow, she is dead; It sleeps well the horned head: We poor lads, 'tis our turn now To hear such tunes as killed the cow. Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme Your friends to death before their time. Moping, melancholy mad: Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. -- A.E. Housman | |
| When in panic, fear and doubt, Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. | |
| The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke. "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for your information, I used to play center at Notre Dame." "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five times." | |
| Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes. -- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown | |
| "`Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.' `Very deep,' said Arthur, `you should send that in to the "Reader's Digest". They've got a page for people like you.'" - Ford convincing Arthur to drink three pints in ten minutes at lunchtime. | |
| "`The best way to get a drink out of a Vogon is to stick your finger down his throat...'" - The Book, on one of the Vogon's social inadequacies. | |
| Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few: Q -- Is there life after death? A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods. -- Dave Barry | |
| If Microsoft Owned McDonald's Source: Unknown 1. Every order would come with fries whether you asked for them or not. 2. When they introduce McPizza, the marketing makes it seem that they invented pizza. 3. "A McDonald's on every block" -- Bill Gates. 4. You'd be constantly pressured to upgrade to a more expensive burger. 5. Sometimes you'll find that the burger box is empty. For some strange reason you'll accept this and purchase another one. 6. They'd claim the burgers are the same size as at other fast food chains, but in reality it's just a larger bun hiding the small beef patty. 7. Straws wouldn't be available until after you finish your drink. 8. "Push" technology -- they have McD employees come to your door and sell you Happy Meals. 9. Your order would never be right but the cash register would work perfectly for taking your money. 10. The "Special Sauce" cannot be reverse engineered, decompiled, or placed on more than 1 Big Mac. | |
| Linux Drinking Game (Abridged) With a group of friends, take turns reading articles about Linux from popular media sources (Ziff-Davis AnchorDesk is recommended) or postings on Usenet (try alt.fan.bill-gates). If the author says one of the things below, take a drink. Continue until everyone involved is plastered. - Linux will never go mainstream - Any platform that can't run Microsoft Office [or some other Microsoft "solution"] sucks - Linux is hard to install - Linux tech support is lacking - No one ever got fired for choosing Microsoft - Any OS with a command line interface is primitive - Microsoft is an innovative company - Could you get fired for choosing Linux? - Linux was created by a bunch of snot-nosed 14 year old hackers with acne and no life - Security through obscurity is the way to go - Linus and Unix are 70s technology while NT is 90s technology - All Linux software must be released under the GPL - Linux is a great piece of shareware | |
| Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#5) A commercial that aired during the live ASCII broadcast of the game: Having trouble staying awake for weeks at a time working on that latest hack? Worried that some young punk will take over your cushy job because you sleep too much? Don't worry, EyeOpener® brand cola is here to save the day. You'll never feel sleepy again when you drink EyeOpener®. Surgeon General's Warning: This product should only be used under a doctor's immediate supervision, as it contains more caffeine than 512 cases of Coca-Cola. Caution: When sleep does occur after about three weeks, optometrists recommend having someone on hand to close your eyelids. Coming soon: ExtremelyWired(tm) cola with 50% more sugar! May or may not meet FDA approval... we're still trying. | |
| I Want My Bugs! An entymologist in Georgia is threatening to sue Microsoft over false advertising in Windows 2000. "According to Microsoft, Win2K contains 63,000 bugs," he explained. "However, the shrink-wrapped box I purchased at CompUSSR only had one cockroach along with some worthless papers and a shiny drink coaster. I got ripped off." The entymologist hoped that the 63,000 promised bugs would greatly add to his insect collection. "I had my doubts that Microsoft could deliver 63,000 insects in one small box for only US$299," he said. "However, with a company as innovative as Microsoft, the sky is the limit. Or at least that's what I thought." He then asked angrily, "Where do I want to go today? Back to the store for a refund!" | |
| Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. -- Socrates | |
| Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and smacked his lips with relish. "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. "Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's a-comin'." | |
| If I have even just a little sense, I will walk on the main road and my only fear will be of straying from it. Keeping to the main road is easy, But people love to be sidetracked. When the court is arrayed in splendor, The fields are full of weeds, And the granaries are bare. Some wear gorgeous clothes, Carry sharp swords, And indulge themselves with food and drink; They have more possessions than they can use. They are robber barons. This is certainly not the way of Tao. | |
| Eric Raymond: I want to live in a world where software doesn't suck. Richard Stallman: Any software that isn't free sucks. Linus Torvalds: I'm interested in free beer. Richard Stallman: That's okay, as long as I don't have to drink it. I don't like beer. -- LinuxWorld Expo panel, 4 March 1999 | |
| <NullC> I like the seed code for computing masking curves. <NullC> I've never seen code that made be want to drink before that... | |
| Humor in th Court: Q: Do you drink when you're on duty? A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. | |
| It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We need to find out where we are." Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me where we are?" The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately fifty feet in the air!" George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless!" That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". | |
| Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can." | |
| (6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. (7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible and other good books. (8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. (9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. (10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the business permit it. -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage Works, 1872 | |
| They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more. They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought. No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No parthenon, no Thermopylae was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these things was itself the doing of them. To wield onself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food spread only for demons or for gods." -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" | |
| To understand this important story, you have to understand how the telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own Phones?" | |
| Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. -- Peter Nelson | |
