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Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English) by Linux fortune

Can't act.  Slightly bald.  Also dances.
                -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test.
                   Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak"
Being a BALD HERO is almost as FESTIVE as a TATTOOED KNOCKWURST.
In this vale
Of toil and sin
Your head grows bald
But not your chin.
                -- Burma Shave
        A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
carrying a shotgun and a dead loon.  "What in the world do you think you're
doing?  Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?"
        Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
which contained twelve more loons.
        "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
        "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage."
        "What's so special about a loon?  What does it taste like?"
        "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan."
QOTD:
        I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged".

        [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
        The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship,
        his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks.
        Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of
        time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
        Hedgehog Eater.
                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Yinkel, n.:
        A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
        will notice.
                -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
We thrive on euphemism.  We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet
size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative".  In
fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie".  And now, here
are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads:

EUPHEMISM                        REALITY
-------------------                -------------------------
Excited about life's journey        No concept of reality
Spiritually evolved                Oversensitive
Moody                                Manic-depressive
Soulful                                Quiet manic-depressive
Poet                                Boring manic-depressive
Sultry/Sensual                        Easy
Uninhibited                        Lacking basic social skills
Unaffected and earthy                Slob and lacking basic social skills
Irreverent                        Nasty and lacking basic social skills
Very human                        Quasimodo's best friend
Swarthy                                Sweaty even when cold or standing still
Spontaneous/Eclectic                Scatterbrained
Flexible                        Desperate
Aging child                        Self-centered adult
Youthful                        Over 40 and trying to deny it
Good sense of humor                Watches a lot of television
All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
the United States.
                -- Vic Gold
No guarantee of accuracy or completeness!
©TU Chemnitz, 2006-2019
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