|Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English)||by Linux fortune|
|Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on|
the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam dancing.
-- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
|The Great Movie Posters:|
SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT!
-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO
-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU
-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI!
-- FIRES OF PUBERTY!
SEE the burning of a virgin!
SEE power of witch doctor over women!
SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!!
-- Kwaheri (1965)
The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex!
-- Boeing-Boeing (1965)
AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP-
A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN!
The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to
give you the wim-wams!
-- Monster a Go-Go (1965)
|"I would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else's source code than|
10 minutes listening to Musak waiting for technical support which isn't."
(By Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center)
|Too many little pins on CPU confusing it, bend back and forth until 10-20% are neatly removed. Do _not_ leave metal bits visible!|
|The ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes. We are having a whip round to refill it, care to contribute ?|
|t's an ID-10-T error|
|As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10.|
Please update your programs.
|Dear Ms. Postnews:|
I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What
should I do?
-- Eager Beaver
No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people
read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm
posting it. All others please ignore."
This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning
over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective
time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet
maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute
your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call
directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost
as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call!
And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's
money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight
letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp!
Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through,
so post it as many places as you can.
-- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette
| How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are|
3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
|If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.|
|It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but|
it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to
organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The
manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and
I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they
could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months,
three more than the schedule allowed.
The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
their thumbs for ten months.
To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and
it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual
integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would
estimate that it added a year to debugging time.
-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
| It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built,|
everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment
was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has
cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing.
There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never
really needed in the first place.
I expect every installation has its own pet software which is
analogous to the above.
-- K.E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa
|LOGO for the Dead|
LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from
"The Other Side."
The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you
turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's
graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this
side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that
your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then
interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program
lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic
Bulletin Board System).
LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate
from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101.
-- '80 Microcomputing
|MVS Air Lines: |
The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching hundreds of technicians
check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at
least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet
can have more engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers
than there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to
operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless
you personally have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers scramble
aboard, as do the 200 technicians needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot
takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to
realise that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors.
|The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.|
-- R.B. Greenberg [referring to PDPs?]
| THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE|
SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
|The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.|
-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
|The system will be down for 10 days for preventive maintenance.|
|This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland|
student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
which identifies errors in the original program.
|Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:|
(10) Sorry, but that's too useful.
(9) Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
(8) I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
#pragma is for.
(7) Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too
hard to write.
(6) Them bats is smart; they use radar.
(5) All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in
(4) How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!"
(3) Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this
(2) Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth.
(1) Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on 'noalias'.
|I mean, if 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick and dirty,|
you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your shoulders and say to
yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this", well that would be enough
immortality for me.
|It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but it|
is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to organize
the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The manager of
architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and I were
threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities.
The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they could write
the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months, three more
than the schedule allowed.
The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they could prepare
the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; it would be
well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule. Futhermore, if
the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling their thumbs
for ten months.
To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control program
team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, but would
also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and it was. He
was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual integrity made
the system far more costly to build and change, and I would estimate that it
added a year to debugging time.
- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
|How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?|
Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to determine what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
|In arguing that current theories of brain function cast suspicion on ESP,|
psychokinesis, reincarnation, and so on, I am frequently challenged with
the most popular of all neuro-mythologies -- the notion that we ordinarily
use only 10 percent of our brains...
This "cerebral spare tire" concept continues to nourish the clientele of
"pop psychologists" and their many recycling self-improvement schemes. As
a metaphor for the fact that few of us fully exploit our talents, who could
deny it? As a refuge for occultists seeking a neural basis of the miraculous,
it leaves much to be desired.
-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: Implications for
Psi Phenomena", The Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. XII, No. 2, pg. 171
|There is something you must understand about the Soviet system. They have the|
ability to concentrate all their efforts on a given design, and develop all
components simulateously, but sometimes without proper testing. Then they end
up with a technological disaster like the Tu-144. In a technology race at
the time, that aircraft was two months ahead of the Concorde. Four Tu-144s
were built; two have crashed, and two are in museums. The Concorde has been
flying safely for over 10 years.
-- Victor Belenko, MiG-25 fighter pilot who defected in 1976
"Defense Electronics", Vol 20, No. 6, pg. 100
|FORTRAN? The syntactically incorrect statement "DO 10 I = 1.10" will parse and|
generate code creating a variable, DO10I, as follows: "DO10I = 1.10" If that
doesn't terrify you, it should.
|"I shall expect a chemical cure for psychopathic behavior by 10 A.M. tomorrow,|
or I'll have your guts for spaghetti."
-- a comic panel by Cotham
|"The number of Unix installations has grown to 10, with more expected."|
-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June, 1972
|A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.|
-- Harry S. Truman
|George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.|
-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
|It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?|
-- Elizabeth Carpenter
|Connector Conspiracy, n:|
[probably came into prominence with the appearance of the KL-10,
none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field
The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names,
addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial
matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more
people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don
Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG.
The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is
the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you
order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds".
Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses,
check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent,
possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10
columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples
cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still
MOZ DONG n.
Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da
Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l
Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y.
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
[International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty
Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer
marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware
and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy
of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM
employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General.
|Penguin Trivia #46:|
Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there.
(1) Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
(2) Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while
sitting at the console keyboard.
(3) Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly
little card decks together.
(4) Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
especially if you're already married.
(5) Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk
pack as a stool to reach another disk pack.
(6) Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one
eight hour shift.
(7) Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
(8) Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
(9) Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
(10) Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
| William Safire's Rules for Writers:|
Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be
used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with
their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread
your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be
avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of
view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a
preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse
exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long
sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully,
dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of
a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be
careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last
but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
|Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:|
(1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
(2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
(3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
(4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
(5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
-- Rich Kulawiec
|A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.|
[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]
|Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):|
fifth of dry red wine
fifth of Aquavit
1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
10 cardamom seeds
1 cup raisins
4 dried figs
1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
a few pieces of dried orange peel
1/2 lb. sugar cubes
Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
|Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?|
A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
| It's grad exam time...|
Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating
system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert
this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are
bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the
new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.)
If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long
it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the
length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1.
Describe the Universe. Give three examples.
|Rules for Good Grammar #4.|
(1) Don't use no double negatives.
(2) Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents.
(3) Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
(4) About them sentence fragments.
(5) When dangling, watch your participles.
(6) Verbs has got to agree with their subjects.
(7) Just between you and i, case is important.
(8) Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read.
(9) Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
(10) Try to not ever split infinitives.
(11) It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
(12) Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
(13) Correct speling is essential.
(14) A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
(15) While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
|Photographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do.|
-- Robert B. Goodman
[Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.]
|If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot|
platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave
that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
home of the blonde hair and blue ears.
mosquito supplier to the free world.
come fall in love with a loon.
where visitors turn blue with envy.
one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold.
land of many cultures -- mostly throat.
where the elite meet sleet.
glove it or leave it.
many are cold, but few are frozen.
land of the ski and home of the crazed.
land of 10,000 Petersons.
|1 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman|
6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number
2 pints = 1 Cavort
Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
6 Curses = 1 Hexahex
3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound
1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents
1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees
1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo
1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew
2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League
2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton
10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle
8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss
365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton
to 1 meter per second
One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon
10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm
1000 pains = 1 Megahertz
1 Word = 1 Millipicture
1 Sagan = Billions & Billions
1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
10 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone
10 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles
The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen
|1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's|
|10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.|
|Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some|
military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people
who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks.
Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the
problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with
written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people
(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering
types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were
the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
never really caught on.
|Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.|
-- Tom Lehrer
|Got Mole problems? Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.|
|Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.|
-- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
Times, June 10, 1955.
|The Commandments of the EE:|
(9) Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou
commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be
frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages.
(10) Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are
written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code,
and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when
thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician.
(11) When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or
unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better
that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than
experimentally determine the electrical potential of an
|You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than|
about 10^12 to 1.
-- Ernest Rutherford
|You will never amount to much.|
-- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
|Fortune's diet truths:|
1: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream.
2: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud.
3: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not
an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish.
4: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see
salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat.
5: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as
appealing as tepid beer.
6: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place!
7: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and
low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and
8: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable.
9: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert!
10: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies.
11: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and
|I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of|
a frog jumping on my Breakfast.
-- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
|Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.|
(1) It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
(2) It's cheaper than going to France.
(3) It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
(4) Life is short.
(5) It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone.
(6) It matches my eyes.
(7) Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
(8) To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
(9) Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
(10) Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it.
(11) I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
(12) It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.
4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
8 eggs 4 tsp. soda
4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a
Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a
heck of a lot.
|RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED|
(1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
(2) Never leave the table hungry.
(3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
(4) Enjoy your food.
(5) Enjoy your companion's food.
(6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
(7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
(8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
(9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
can always eat it later.
(10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
(11) Avoid blue food.
-- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet"
|You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, another $2|
if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and another $2 for each
"special" he describes involving confusing terms such as "shallots," and $4
if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In many restaurants, this means the
waiter will actually owe you money. If you are traveling with a child aged
six months to three years, you should leave an additional amount equal to
twice the bill to compensate for the fact that they will have to take the
banquette out and burn it because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets
made of partially chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his hemorrhoids.
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
1 to 10 alphabetically,
from here to eternity without in betweens,
still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world,
sales talk from sales assistants
when all i want to do is lower your resistance,
no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums,
love's on arrival,
she comes when she comes,
right on the target but wide of the mark...
|All I need to have a good time,|
Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
With those three things I don't need no sunshine,
A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine.
All I want is to never grow old,
I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
I want 97 kilos already rolled,
I want to wash in a bathtub of gold.
I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills,
I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled,
I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills.
-- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah"
|While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,|
The fate of empires and the fall of kings;
While quacks of State must each produce his plan,
And even children lisp the Rights of Man;
Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
The Rights of Woman merit some attention.
-- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 26/10 1792
|Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!|
|A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon|
discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet,
still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at
3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"
|Failed Attempts To Break Records|
In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised
he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and
doesn't even shout at me."
In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
"People complained I was too noisy," he said.
In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my
drone got waterlogged," he said.
A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes
had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
|Fortune's current rates:|
Long answers .25
Answers requiring thought .50
Correct answers $1.00
Dumb looks are still free.
|What If Bill Gates Was a Stand-Up Comedian? |
1. None of his jokes would be funny.
2. Subliminal message hyping Microsoft and Windows 98 would be inserted
throughout his performance.
3. The audio system (running Windows NT) would always crash right before Bill
got to a punch line. At that time one of the managers would announce,
"Please hold tight while we diagnose this intermittent issue."
4. Tickets for Bill's show would be handed out for free in an attempt to
attract customers away from Netscape's shows.
5. Industry pundits would call Bill's show "innovative" and would ask "Why
doesn't IBM have a stand-up routine? This is exactly why OS/2 is failing in
6. Bill's show would be called "ActiveHumor 98"
7. In a perfect imitation of his Windows 95 OS, Bill wouldn't be able to tell
a joke and walk around at the same time.
8. Audience members would have to sign a License Agreement in which one of the
terms is "I agree never to watch Linus Torvalds' show, 'GNU/Humorux'".
9. All audience members would receive a free CD of Internet Explorer 4.0, with
FakeJava(R) and ActiveHex(tm) technology.
10. Bill Gates would appear on Saturday Night Live, causing ratings to drop
|If Microsoft Owned McDonald's|
1. Every order would come with fries whether you asked for them or not.
2. When they introduce McPizza, the marketing makes it seem that they invented
3. "A McDonald's on every block" -- Bill Gates.
4. You'd be constantly pressured to upgrade to a more expensive burger.
5. Sometimes you'll find that the burger box is empty. For some strange reason
you'll accept this and purchase another one.
6. They'd claim the burgers are the same size as at other fast food chains,
but in reality it's just a larger bun hiding the small beef patty.
7. Straws wouldn't be available until after you finish your drink.
8. "Push" technology -- they have McD employees come to your door and sell you
9. Your order would never be right but the cash register would work perfectly
for taking your money.
10. The "Special Sauce" cannot be reverse engineered, decompiled, or placed on
more than 1 Big Mac.
|Robert Tappen Morris, Jr., got six months in jail for crashing 10% of the|
computers that Bill Gates made $100 million crashing last weekend.
|You Might be a Microsoft Employee If...|
1. When a Microsoft program crashes for the millionth time, you say "Oh,
well!" and reboot without any negative thoughts
2. The Windows 95 startup screen (the clouds) makes you feel all warm and
3. You fully understand why Windows 95's Shutdown Option has to be
accessed from the Start Menu
4. You believe Internet Explorer's security flaws were slipped in by a
crack team of Netscape programmers
5. You keep valuable papers near your fireplace. Therefore, you are
comfortable with Windows 95's "may-delete-it-at-anytime" philosophy
6. You're the Bob that Microsoft Bob was named after
7. Instead of "I'd rather be fishing," your bumper sticker says, "I'd
rather be writing buggy Microsoft code"
8. You know the technical difference between OLE 1.0 and OLE 2.0
9. You've ever completed your income taxes while waiting for Windows 95
to boot, and didn't think anything of it
10. You run Solitaire more than any other program, and therefore you
consider your computer a Dedicated Solitaire Engine (DSE)
|You Might be a Microsoft Employee If...|
1. Every night you dream of torturing Linus Torvalds
2. Every morning you say, "I pledge allegiance to the logo of the United
Corporation of Microsoft. And to the stock options for which it stands, one
company, under Bill, with headaches and buggy software for all."
3. Your favorite pick-up line is, "Hey baby...do you want to see a little
4. Everytime you see a website with "Best viewed with Netscape" on it you
feel like filing a lawsuit against its webmaster
5. You feel that all Anti-Microsoft websites should be censored because they
are on the Internet, something Bill "invented."
6. You've set a goal to invent at least one new buzzword or acronym per day
7. You've ever been nervous because you haven't registered your Microsoft
8. You've trained your parrot to say "Unix sucks!" and "All hail Bill Gates!"
9. You own a limited edition Monopoly game in which Boardwalk is Microsoft and
Jail is replaced by Justice Department Investigation
10. You've spent countless hours tracking down the source of the "Microsoft
Acquires Vatican Church" rumor
|Top Ten Changes If Linus Torvalds Achieves World Domination |
10. That annoying Linus character from the Peanuts cartoons would be killed off
9. New fashion style: Scantily clad females, even in twenty below weather
8. Forget Disney World, say hello to Penguin World!
7. Late Show with Linus Torvalds
6. High schools offer classes on kernel hacking
5. Microsoft stock certificates traded as rare collectors' items, along with
Confederate money and Roman coins
4. Beowolf Clusters for everyone!
3. Computers no longer come with reset buttons
2. United States of Linusia
1. Three words: Open Source Beer
|Top Ten Ways to Pronounce Linux|
3. Not Win-doze
4. World Domination
6. God's OS
7. Better Than Microsoft
10. Gates' Worst Nightmare
|ARE YOU ADDICTED TO SLASHDOT?|
Take this short test to find out if you are a Dothead.
1. Do you submit articles to Slashdot and then reload the main page every 3.2
seconds to see if your article has been published yet?
2. Have you made more than one "first comment!" post within the past week?
3. Have you ever participated in a Gnome vs. KDE or a Linux vs. FreeBSD
flamewar on Slashdot?
4. Do you write jokes about Slashdot?
5. Do you wake up at night, go to the bathroom, and fire up your web browser
to get your Slashdot fix on the way back?
6. Do you dump your date at the curb so you can hurry home to visit Slashdot?
7. Do you think of Slashdot when you order a taco at a restaurant?
8. Are you a charter member of the Rob Malda Fan Club?
9. Did you lease a T3 line so you could download Slashdot faster?
10. Is Slashdot your only brower's bookmark?
11. Do you get a buzz when your browser finally connects to Slashdot?
12. Do you panic when your browser says "Unable to connect to slashdot.org"?
13. Have you even made a New Year's Resolution to cut back on Slashdot
access... only to visit it at 12:01?
|Microsoft Acquires Nothing |
REDMOND, WA -- In an unprecedented move, Microsoft refrained from acquiring any
rival companies for a full week. "I can't believe it," one industry analyst
noted. "This is the first time in years that I haven't read any headlines about
Microsoft acquiring something."
The lack of Microsoft assimilation this week left a vacuum in computer industry
publications. "Microsoft acquisition stories make up 10% of our headlines," an
editor at Ziff-Slavis said. "We had to scramble to fill this void. We ran some
controversial Jessie Burst columns instead, hoping that we could recoup ad
revenue from people reading all the flames in the Talk Back forums. Jessie
Burst forums account for 15% of our total ad revenue."
|Humorix Holiday Gift Idea #2|
Nerd Trading Cards
Producer: Bottomms; 1-800-NRDS-ROK
Forget baseball, nerd trading cards are the future. Now your kids can
collect and trade cards of their favorite open source hackers and computer
industry figures. Some of the cards included feature Linus Torvalds, Richard
M. Stallman, and Larry Wall. Also contains cards for companies (Red Hat,
Netscape, Transmeta, etc.), specific open source programs (Apache, Perl,
Mozilla, etc.), and well-known websites (Slashdot, Freshmeat, etc.). Each
card features a full-color picture on the front and complete information and
statistics on back. Some of the cards have even been autographed. Quit
trying to search eBay.com for a Mark McGwire rookie card and collect nerd
|Red Hat Linux 10.0|
RALEIGH-DURHAM, NC -- HypeNewsWire -- Red Hat, the producer of the most
popular Linux distribution with over 25 million estimated users, is proud to
announce the availability of Red Hat Linux 10.0. The latest version
contains the new Linux 6.2 kernel, the Z Window System 2.0, full support for
legacy Windows 3.x/9x/200x/NT software apps, and more. Copies of Red Hat
Linux 10.0 will be available in stores on CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, or GNUDE (GNU
Digital Encoding) disks within the next week.
Compaq, Dell, Gateway, and several other large computer manufacturers have
announced that they will offer computer systems with Red Hat 10.0
pre-installed. "We can sell systems with Red Hat pre-installed for
considerably less than systems with Microsoft ActiveWindows 2001. Overall,
Red Hat Linux's superior quality, low price, and modest system requirements
puts Windows to shame," one Dell spokesperson said at last week's LinDex
|Open Source Irrational Constant|
BREEZEWOOD, PA -- In a revelation that could rock the foundations of
science, a researcher in Pennsylvania has discovered that the digits of the
irrational constant PI encode a version of the Linux kernel. "I can't
believe it," the researcher, Neil Hoffman, exclaimed. "And yet, here I am
staring at what appears to be the source code for Linux kernel 5.0.0.
Needless to say, my whole world-view has changed..."
Hoffman explained, "My algorithm, which applies several dozen conversions and
manipulations to each digit of PI, spits out plain vanilla ASCII characters
that happen to form the source code for the Linux kernel."
Many members of the scientific community are skeptical. One One
mathematician who has memorized the digits of PI to 10,000 places said,
"This is the kind of nonsense one would expect to find in a tabloid such as
the National Mathematics Enquirer. Or a Linux fortune(6) file. Hoffman's
'discovery' is obviously a hoax designed to secure government research
In a related matter, we have received an unconfirmed report that a region of
the Mandelbrot fractal contains what appear to be the words "LINUS TORVALDS
WAS HERE". In addition, the words "TRANSMETA: THIS SECRET MESSAGE IS NOT
HERE YET" supposedly appear within the depths of the Julia Set.
|New Crime Identified: "Tech Rage"|
HARRISBURG, IL -- The police department in this Illinois town has coined a
new term for a growing trend in crime: "tech rage". Tech rage shares many
similarities with another modern crime, "road rage", but instead of
affecting drivers, tech rage is experienced by disgruntled computer users.
The first documented case of tech rage involves a Microsoft salesman, Bob
Glutzfield, who convinced the local TV station to "upgrade" its computer
systems from Macintosh to Wintel. While the migration seemed successful at
first, the Blue Screen became more prevalent during the following months.
Then, in January, the entire computer system crashed in the middle of the
weather forecast during the 10 o'clock evening news. Viewers could plainly
see the Blue Screen of Death showing in the monitors behind James Roland,
the chief meteorologist. The instability of Windows 98 stretched Roland's
patience until he snapped last week and succumbed to tech rage.
Roland tracked down the Microsoft salesman and followed him one evening to
his apartment. The weatherman yelled at the bewildered Microserf, "You
[expletive]! Because of you, I'm the [expletive] laughing stock of Southern
Illinois!" and then proceeded to beat him up. Roland is currently out on
bond pending trial next month.
|Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#7)|
Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill
out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade.
Question 7: What new features would you like to see in Windows 2000?
A. A marquee on the taskbar that automatically scrolls the latest
headlines from MSNBC and Microsoft Press Pass
B. Content filtration software for Internet Explorer that will prevent my
children from accessing dangerous propaganda about Linux.
C. A new card game; I've spent over 10,000 hours playing Solitaire during
my free time at work and I'm starting to get bored with it
D. A screensaver depicting cream pies being thrown at Janet Reno, Joel
Klien, David Boies, Ralpha Nader, Orrin Hatch, Linus Torvalds, Richard
M. Stallman, and other conspirators out to destroy Microsoft
E. A Reinstall Wizard that helps me reinstall a fresh copy of Windows to
fix Registry corruptions and other known issues
|Top Ten Differences If Thomas Jefferson Behaved Like Eric Raymond During|
the American Revolution
2. The preamble to the Constitution would say, "We the pragmatists of the
Open States of America, in order to foster the production of higher
quality tea and tobacco..."
5. The phrases "the right to bear arms shall not be infringed" and "Geeks
With Guns" would be plastered throughout the O.S.A. Constitution.
9. Instead of Congress, the "Open States Institute" board of directors
would make all of the national legislative decisions.
10. Raymond, New Hampshire would be the home of the O.S.A. capitol.
|Boston Software Party|
BOSTON, MA -- Thousands of disgruntled Linux revolutionaries showed up at
the Boston Harbor today to protest "taxation without representation" by
the oppressive Microsoft Corporation. Thousands of pounds of Microsoft
boxes, CD-ROMs, manuals, license agreements, promotional materials, and
registration forms were dumped into the harbor during the First Annual
Boston Software Party.
Some attendees sold hastily printed T-shirts with slogans like "July 4th,
1999: Microsoft Independence Day!" and "What do you call 10,000 pounds of
Microsoft software at the bottom of the ocean? A darned good start!"
Others sold fake dollar bills with a portrait of Tux Penguin and the
saying, "In Linus We Trust"...
|Jargon Coiner (#10)|
An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon
that we've just made up.
* HOBTOB (Hanging Out By The O'Reilly Books): Seeking free Linux technical
support at a bookstore by waiting near the computer books for a geek to
come by and then casually asking them for help.
* MOOLA (Marketing Officially Organizes Linux Adoptance): A press release
issued by a Dot Com (or Dot Con?) heralding their "support" for Linux
(i.e. "BigPortal.com adopts Linux as their official operating system by
adding five Linux-related links to their BigDirectory"); used to inflate
their stock price and rake in moola even though none of their employees
have ever used Linux and don't really care.
* KARMA KOLLECTOR: Slashdot user who treats the acquisition of "karma" as
a game; often has a detailed strategy on how to sucker moderators into
raising the score of their posts (i.e. posting a comment with a title
like "Microsoft Sucks!!! (Score 3, Insightful)" or using "Only a fool
would moderate this down" as a signature). See also "Karma Whore".
|Evolution Of A Linux User: The 11 Stages Towards Getting A Life|
0. Microserf - Your life revolves around Windows and you worship Bill
Gates and his innovative company.
1. Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt... About Microsoft - You encounter a growing
number of problems with Microsoft solutions, shaking your world-view
2. FUD... About Linux - After hearing about this new Linux thing, you
take the plunge, but are unimpressed by the nerdware OS.
3. Born-Again Microserf - You rededicate your life to Microsoft worship
4. Disgruntled User - Microsoft software keeps screwing you over,
and you're not going to take it anymore!
5. A Religious Experience - You successfully install Linux, and are
left breathless at its elegance. No more Windows for you!
6. Linux Convert - You continue to fall in love with the new system
7. Linux Zealot - You dedicate your life to Linux World Domination...
and it shows! You go beyond mere advocacy to sheer zealotry.
8. Back To Reality - Forces out of your control compel you to
return to using Windows and Office
9. Enlightened Linux User - You become 100% Microsoft free after finding
ways to overcome the need for Microsoft bloatware
10.Get A Life - You become a millionaire after your Linux portal is
acquired; you move to a small tropical island and get a life
|What Did Santa Claus Bring You In 1999? (#1)|
LINUS TORVALDS: Santa didn't bring me anything, but Tim O'Reilly just gave
me a large sum of money to publish my new book, "Linus Torvalds' Official
Guide To Receiving Fame, Fortune, and Hot Babes By Producing Your Own
Unix-Like Operating System In Only 10 Years".
ORDINARY LINUX HACKER: I kept hinting to my friends and family that I
wanted to build my own Beowulf Cluster. My grandmother got mixed up and
gave me a copy of "Beowulf's Chocolate Cluster Cookbook". I like
chocolate, but I would've preferred silicon.
LINUX LONGHAIR: My friends sent me a two-year subscription to several
Ziff-Davis publications, much to my dislike. I don't want to read Jesse
Berst's rants against Linux, or John Dvorak's spiels about how great
Windows 2000 is. Still, I suppose this isn't so bad. Ziff-Davis glossy
paper makes an excellent lining for fireplaces.
|New Linux Companies Hope To Get Rich Quick (#2)|
Don't throw out that old Red Hat Linux 3.0 CD. A group of entrepreneurs
are hording vintage Linux items in the hopes that they will become hot
collector's items in the coming decades. The venture, called "Money Grows
On Binary Trees", hopes to amass a warehouse full of old Linux
distributions, books, stuffed penguins, promotional material, and Linus
"Nobody thought pieces of cardstock featuring baseball players would be
worth anything..." the founder of Binary Trees said. "That 'Linux For
Dummies' book sitting in your trash could be the next Babe Ruth card."
The company organized a Linux Collectibles Convention last week in Silicon
Valley, drawing in a respectable crowd of 1,500 people and 20 exhibitors.
The big attraction was a "Windows For Dummies" book actually signed by
Linus Torvalds. "He signed it back at a small Linux conference in '95,"
the owner explained. "He didn't realize it was a Dummies book because I
had placed an O'Reilly cover on it... Somebody at the convention offered
me $10,000 for it, but that seemed awfully low. I hope to sell it on eBay
next month with a reserve price containing a significant number of zeros."
|Excerpts From The First Annual Nerd Bowl (#6)|
JOHN SPLADDEN: We're back. The players have assumed their positions and
are ready to answer computer-related questions posed by referree Eric S.
Raymond. Let's listen in...
RAYMOND: Okay, men, you know the rules... And now here's the first
question: Who is the most respected, sexy, gifted, and talented spokesmen
for the Open Source movement? [Bzzz] Taco Boy, you buzzed in first.
ROB MALDA: The answer is me.
RAYMOND: No, you egomaniacal billionaire. Anybody else want to answer?
[Bzzz] Yes, Alan Cox?
ALAN COX: Well, duh, the answer has to be Eric Raymond.
RAYMOND: Correct! That answer is worth 10 million points.
ROB MALDA: Protest! Who wrote these questions?!
|Brief History Of Linux (#10)|
The AnyQuack Computer
One electronic machine, Colossus, was used by the British in World War II
to decode Nazi transmissions. The code-breakers were quite successful in
their mission, except for the tiny detail that nobody knew how to read
German. They had decoded unreadable messages into... unreadable messages.
Two years later in 1945, a group of professors and students at the Univ.
of Pennsylvania were discussing computing theory. An argument ensued, in
which one professor yelled, "Any quack can build an electronic computer!
The real challenge is building one that doesn't crash every five minutes."
One graduate student, J. Presper Eckert, Jr., responded, "I'm any quack!
I'll take you up on that challenge. I'll build a device that can calculate
1,000 digits of pi in one hour... without crashing!" Several professors
laughed; "Such high-speed calculations are beyond our level of technology."
Eckert and his friends did build such a device. As a joke, he called the
machine "AnyQuack", which eventually became ENIAC -- ENIAC's Not Intended
As Crashware, the first known example of a self-referential acronym.
|Microsoft Fights Linux -- By Contributing Kernel Patches |
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em... and then destory 'em. That seems to be the
new Microsoft strategy for dealing with Linux. Instead of fighting a FUD or
patent war, Microsoft operatives are doing something totally out of character:
they are contributing patches for the Linux kernel and other programs.
Don't worry, Microsoft is still evil. It's all part of a massive denial of
service attack against Linus Torvalds designed to bring kernel development to
a standstill. By sending over 10,000 patches per minute by email to Linus and
other top kernel hackers, Microsoft has exposed Linux's Achilles heel.
"I can't believe this is happening!" one stressed-out kernel hacker said at a
press conference on IRC. "If this goes on, we may have to conduct kernel
development over some other network protocol, like avian carriers... Aw crap,
there's smoke coming from my email server! Ahh... it can't handle the load!"
At this point the developer cut off and we haven't heard from him since.
At first Linus was unsure where the deluge of patches was coming from. But
when he saw one patch to replace kernel panics with bluescreens, the source
was pretty obvious. "Oh, and the fact that all of the patches are covered by
Microsoft's GPL [Grossly Private License] was a dead giveaway, too,"
|Bill Gates Sends Out Desperate Plea For Help |
REDMOND -- In a shocking development, Chief Bloatware Architect Bill Gates
admitted today that Microsoft is in severe financial difficulty and
desperately needs donations to stay afloat through the next month.
"The dismal state of the economy, the lackluster sales of Windows ME, and
the pending anti-trust lawsuit have placed significant financial stress on
Microsoft," Gates said at a press conference. "We can't continue to
develop and maintain our innovative solutions without financial
contributions from users like you."
The company spent the remaining $10,000 in its coffers to send out letters
to registered Windows users pleading for donations.
"For just pennies a day, you can help support the world's most innovative
company in its quest to discover the cure for the Blue Screen of Death,"
the letter announces. "Or you can help fund research and development into
improving the security of our products against such sinister forces as
script kiddies, crackers, and Linux freaks."
| Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer)|
0-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood.
3-5 -- There is hope for you yet.
6-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City.
8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril.
11+ -- Does suicide seem attractive?
|As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.|
One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse.
3. Some people never look at me.
4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
5. My sex life is A-okay.
6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
10. I get nauseous from too much roller skating.
11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
12. I cannot read or write.
13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
16. I am never startled by a fish.
17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
19. People who break the law are wise guys.
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
|As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.|
One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
1. I think beavers work too hard.
2. I use shoe polish to excess.
3. God is love.
4. I like mannish children.
5. I have always been diturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
full of mice.
12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
16. My eyes are always cold.
17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
19. I am never startled by a fish.
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
mind putting that thing away.
8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
It's what's in it that matters.
9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and it's goodbye,
10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
|Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts|
...Here's How You Can Tell
Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you
can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They
listed 10 signs to watch for:
(3) Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand
earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell
jokes that no one understands, said Steiger.
(6) Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction
fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
(8) Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't
discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends."
(10) Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain
high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when
a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not
all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien.
-- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984.
[I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.]
|You can extend EXTRAVERSION infinitely, but after the first 10 or so|
characters, it starts to get silly.
- Russell King on linux-kernel
|10) there is no 10, but it sounded like a nice number :)|
-- Wichert Akkerman
|* joeyh takes advantage of netscape's marvelous ability to crash to close|
10 windows with a single keypress
<joeyh> now that's progress!
<Knghtbrd> Bus error =>
|<lilo> I can read the bloody *manual* as if it were some sort of|
religious tract describing forms of enlightenment you can achieve
after 10 years on a mountain :)
|I would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else's source code than 10|
minutes listening to Musak waiting for technical support which isn't.
-- Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center
|* joeyh_ runs ps and sees 10 lines of awk code|
* joeyh_ recoils in horror
|<Knghtbrd> it's 6am. I have been up 24 hours|
<Knghtbrd> Wake me up and risk life and limb.
* Knghtbrd &; sleep
<Tv> Okay everyone, we wait 10 minutes and then start flooding Knghtbrd
with ^G's. Someone, hack root and cat /dev/urandom >/dev/dsp.
|Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda|
decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a
lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many
suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person
is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect."
-- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85
| In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to|
his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's
kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment
was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc.
Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News,
Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess
of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers
and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure
out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value
According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has
10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200
lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of
pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
been an efficiency expert?
-- Motor Trend, May 1983
| Pittsburgh driver's test|
(10) Potholes are
(a) extremely dangerous.
(c) the fault of the previous administration.
(d) all going to be fixed next summer.
The correct answer is (b). Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican,
imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars. If you drive a
big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about.
|The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable|
debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been
revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor
quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the
resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the
workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity?
Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but
to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not
hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the
nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate
goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the
drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization.
-- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The
Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace,"
Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol.
10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768.
|The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor|
prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively,
or to the people.
-- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
|Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.|
-- C. Schultz
|I would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else's source code than|
10 minutes listening to Musak waiting for technical support which isn't.
-- Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center
|Alan E. Davis: Some files at llug.sep.bnl.gov/pub/debian/Incoming are|
stamped on 10 January 1998. As I write, nowhere on Earth is it now 10 January.
Craig Sanders: That just proves how advanced debian is, doesn't it :-)
| * In anticipation of 2.10.02 release, updated to patchlevel|
-- From the annoucement of ircd 2.10.01-3 for Debian GNU/Linux
|(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting|
purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church.
(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the
office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible
and other good books.
(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly
sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years,
so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters.
(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink
in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets
shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect
his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty.
(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and
without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of
five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the
business permit it.
-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage Works, 1872
|Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson|
Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
great effort pushing boulders into a single word.
It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
both Parliament and Party.
It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
planets, this may be the first message received from us.
-- The Realist, November, 1964.
|My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.|
-- Errol Flynn
Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.
-- Errol Flynn
|Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.|
|The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the|
other 90% of the time.
If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would
get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty
times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all
the managers would fly off.
It costs a lot to build bad products.
There are many highly successful businesses in the United States.
There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
intermingle the two.
After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will
be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent
of every airplane's weight.
The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost
and two-thirds of the problems.
-- Norman Augustine
The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar
contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other
at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect.
The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much.
The early bird gets the worm.
The early worm ... gets eaten.
Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of
the year -- in either direction.
Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off.
-- Norman Augustine
|Although the Perl Slogan is There's More Than One Way to Do It, I hesitate|
to make 10 ways to do something. :-)
-- Larry Wall in <9695@jpl-devvax.JPL.NASA.GOV>
|Tactical? TACTICAL!?!? Hey, buddy, we went from kilotons to megatons|
several minutes ago. We don't need no stinkin' tactical nukes.
(By the way, do you have change for 10 million people?) --lwall
|Content: 80% POLYESTER, 20% DACRONi ... The waitress's UNIFORM sheds|
TARTAR SAUCE like an 8" by 10" GLOSSY ...
|In 1962, you could buy a pair of SHARKSKIN SLACKS, with a "Continental|
Belt," for $10.99!!
|A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:|
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly,
to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE
OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a
sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
|The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree|
that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.