|Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English)
||by Linux fortune
|A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased|
in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at
each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting
and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are
the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn.
At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as
well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion
houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four
fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network
of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant
complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main
ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of
this central section.
Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and
colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In
brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two
hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy.
|New Crime Identified: "Tech Rage"|
HARRISBURG, IL -- The police department in this Illinois town has coined a
new term for a growing trend in crime: "tech rage". Tech rage shares many
similarities with another modern crime, "road rage", but instead of
affecting drivers, tech rage is experienced by disgruntled computer users.
The first documented case of tech rage involves a Microsoft salesman, Bob
Glutzfield, who convinced the local TV station to "upgrade" its computer
systems from Macintosh to Wintel. While the migration seemed successful at
first, the Blue Screen became more prevalent during the following months.
Then, in January, the entire computer system crashed in the middle of the
weather forecast during the 10 o'clock evening news. Viewers could plainly
see the Blue Screen of Death showing in the monitors behind James Roland,
the chief meteorologist. The instability of Windows 98 stretched Roland's
patience until he snapped last week and succumbed to tech rage.
Roland tracked down the Microsoft salesman and followed him one evening to
his apartment. The weatherman yelled at the bewildered Microserf, "You
[expletive]! Because of you, I'm the [expletive] laughing stock of Southern
Illinois!" and then proceeded to beat him up. Roland is currently out on
bond pending trial next month.
|Alan Cox Releases Quantum Kernel|
Submitted by Dave Finton
A surprising development in the linux-kernel mailing list surfaced when
Alan Cox announced the release of a 2.2 Linux kernel existing both as an
official stable kernel and as a prepatch kernel. This immediately spurred
the creation of two different realities (and hence two different Alan
Coxes), where a kernel would not settle down to one or the other state
until someone looked at it.
"I think this resulted from the large number of 'final' prepatch kernels
prior to the 2.2.14 release," said David Miller, kernel networking guru
and gas station attendent (he'll settle down to one or the other state
when someone looks at him).
When word of this development spread to Microsoft, Bill Gates was
extremely delighted. The Redmond, WA campus has been plagued with quantum
fluctuations ever since the inception of Windows 2000 back in 1992. "Our
release date has been existing in infinitely many states since the very
beginning," said a Microsoft spokesperson. "This just shows the Linux
operating system cannot scale to multiple realities as well as our OS."
|Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station|
-- Howard Kandel
|I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the|
morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for
the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to
invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed
the opening theme music of 'Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I
asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said,
"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint
that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed.
-- Alistair Cooke
|Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,|
and you'll be Gary, Indiana. - Jessie in the movie "Greaser's Palace"
|One toke over the line, sweet Mary,|
One toke over the line,
Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
One toke over the line.
Waitin' for the train that goes home,
Hopin' that the train is on time,
Sittin' downtown in a railway station,
One toke over the line.
|You go down to the pickup station,|
craving warmth and beauty;
You settle for less than fascination --
a few drinks later you're not so choosy.
And the closing lights strip off the shadows
on this strange new flesh you've found --
Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf
you hurry to the blackness
and the blankets to lay down an impression
and your loneliness.
-- Joni Mitchell
|Flat tire on station wagon with tapes. ("Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway" Andrew S. Tanenbaum) |
|"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast|
to the nearest gas station."
|They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the|
system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First
we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin.
I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on
my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan,
then we take Berlin.
I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit
and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station?
I told you I told you I told you I was one of those.
-- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
|If a 'train station' is where a train stops, what's a 'workstation'?|
|Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went|
on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
|Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan,|
all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence:
"Old MacDonald had a . . ."
"Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan.
"Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said.
"Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the
service station," said the Missourian.
"Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan.
"CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell 'farm.'"
"Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O."
|Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.|
"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has
to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or
by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms
for a short spell?"
|If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?|
|Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.|
-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
|The computer is to the information industry roughly what the|
central power station is to the electrical industry.
-- Peter Drucker
|First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer.|
But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all.
It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone
call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the
phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said.
Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of
the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk.
But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth.
The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its
bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub.
Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in
another phone booth.
There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth.
The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and
released it, too, in the scrub.
But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another
telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect,
and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
-- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980.
|Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3:|
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with
him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
No guarantee of accuracy or completeness!
©TU Chemnitz, 2006-2013