|Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English)
||by Linux fortune
|Microsoft ActivePromo Campaign: "Match Vaporware & Win!"|
Microsoft's PR masterminds are planning a massive marketing campaign,
code-named "ActivePromo 2000", to promote the upcoming release of Windows
2000 (scheduled for February 2001). This marketing campaign will include a
"Match Vaporware & Win!" promotion.
Microsoft will team up with a major fast-food chain (McDonalds, probably,
since it has the largest market share, but Burger King is another
possibility) for a special Windows 2000 promotion. With every combo meal
purchase, the customer will receive a game token containing a date on it. If
the official release of Windows 2000 is on that date, the customer can
redeem the token for a variety of prizes -- ranging from a "lifetime supply"
of Windows upgrades, to 25,000 shares of Microsoft stock.
|Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#14)|
Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill
out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade.
Question 14: How would you rate the performance of the Microsoft defense
team in the antitrust trial?
A. Perfect; they have clearly shown that Microsoft's market leading
position is good for consumers.
B. Outstanding; all of the pundits who are predicting that Microsoft will
lose are a bunch of idiots.
C. Excellent; Bill Gates' wonderful video deposition clearly demonstrated
to the American public that he is a true visionary.
D. I don't know; I haven't been paying any attention to the case because I
know Microsoft will prevail anyways.
|Bill Gates Passes Turing Test |
LONDON, ENGLAND -- Microsoft proclaimed that they have passed the Turing
Test by creating a Bill Gates multimedia simulacrum that crack BBC
interviewer Jeremy Paxman couldn't distinguish from the real thing. "I
never would have expected this," Paxman said about the Gates AI program.
"After all, this Microsoft program actually worked for an extended period
of time, something you don't see very often."
Microsoft has plans to mass-produce the Bill Gates holographic simulation
by 2010 or so. "The hardware just isn't there yet for home use," a
Microserf explained. "By then, though, Intel's Itanium 6 Super Pro Plus
III CPU running at 600 Ghz or whatever should be sufficient." Windows 2010
is expected to include the Bill Gates simulation, making the World's
Richest Man(tm) accessible to the entire world.
A newly printed brochure for the faux-Gates advertises, "Need help running
Windows 2010? Bill Gates will sit beside you and guide you through the
system. Have a question for the world's sexiest and smartest nerd? He'll
answer it. Wondering if free and open source software is a plot by
Communists freaks to overthrow the free market system? He'll be there to
explain. Want to ask for a personal loan? Sorry, won't happen."
|What Did Santa Claus Bring You In 1999? (#2)|
WEBMASTER OF LINUXSUPERMEGAPORTAL.COM: One of my in-laws gifted me a
CD-ROM containing the text of every "...For Dummies" book ever published.
It's a shame IDG never published "Hiring A Hitman To Knock Off Your
Inlaws... For Dummies", because that's something I'm itching to do. At any
rate, I'm using the CD as a beer coaster.
JESSE BERST: I got a coupon redeemable for the full copy of Windows 2000
when it comes out in February. Win2K is the most innovative,
enterprise-ready, stable, feature-enriched, easy-to-use operating system
on the market. I don't see how Linux can survive against Microsoft's far
superior offering. I ask you: could you get fired for NOT choosing Windows
2000? You bet.
LINUX CONVERT: I kept hinting for a SGI box, but instead my wife got me an
old Packard Bell. Unfortunately, she bought it at CompUSSR, which doesn't
take returns, so I'm stuck with it. I haven't been able to get Linux to
boot on it, so this machine will probably become a $750 paperweight.
|Brief History Of Linux (#12)|
A note from Bill Gates' second grade teacher:
Billy has been having some trouble behaving in class lately... Last Monday
he horded all of the crayons and refused to share, saying that he needed
all 160 colors to maximize his 'innovation'. He then proceeded to sell
little pieces of paper ("End-User License Agreement for Crayons" he called
them) granting his classmates the 'non-transferable right' to use the
crayons on a limited time basis in exchange for their lunch money...
When I tried to stop Billy, he kept harping about his right to innovate
and how my interference violated basic notions of free-market capitalism.
"Holding a monopoly is not illegal," he rebutted. I chastised him for
talking back, and then I took away the box of crayons so others could
share them... angrily, he then pointed to a drawing of his hanging on the
wall and yelled, "That's my picture! You don't have the right to present
my copyrighted material in a public exhibition without my permission!
You're pirating my intellectual property. Pirate! Pirate! Pirate!"
I developed a headache that day that even the maximum dosage of Aspirin
wasn't able to handle. And then on Tuesday, he conned several students out
of their milk money by convincing them to play three-card Monty...
|NEW YORK -- Publishers from all across the country met this week at the|
first annual Book Publishers Assocation of America (BPAA) meeting. Many of
the booths on the showroom floor were devoted to the single most important
issue facing the publishing industry: fighting copyright violations. From
"End Reader License Agreements" to age-decaying ink, the anti-copying
market has exploded into a multi-million dollar enterprise.
"How can authors and publishers hope to make ends meet when the country is
rapidly filling with evil libraries that distribute our products for free
to the general public?" asked the chairman of the BPAA during his keynote
address. "That blasted Andrew Carnegie is spending all kinds of his own
ill-gotten money to open libraries in cities nationwide. He calls it
charity. I call it anti-competitive business practices hoping to bankrupt
the entire publishing industry. We must fight these anti-profit,
pro-copying librarians and put an end to this scourge!"
-- from the February 4, 1895 edition of the New York Democrat-Republican
|Solving The Virus Problem Once And For All |
System administrators across the globe have tried installing anti-virus
software. They've tried lecturing employees not to open unsolicited email
attachments. They've tried installing firewalls and the latest security
patches. But even with these precautions, email viruses continue to rank
third only to Solitaire and the Blue Screen Of Death in the amount of lost
productivity they cause. Meanwhile, Microsoft Exchange and LookOut! remain
as the number one virus delivery products on the market today.
But maybe not for much longer. A group of disgruntled administrators have
teamed up to produce and sell a brand new way to fight viruses, one that
attacks the root of the problem: stupid users.
Salivating Dogs, Inc. of Ohio has unveiled the "Clue Delivery System"
(CDS), a small device that plugs into the back of a standard PC keyboard
and delivers a mild electric shock whenever the luser does something
stupid. The device is triggered by a Windows program that detects when the
luser attempts to open an unsolicited email attachment or perform another
equally dangerous virus-friendly action.
|What If Bill Gates Was a Stand-Up Comedian? |
1. None of his jokes would be funny.
2. Subliminal message hyping Microsoft and Windows 98 would be inserted
throughout his performance.
3. The audio system (running Windows NT) would always crash right before Bill
got to a punch line. At that time one of the managers would announce,
"Please hold tight while we diagnose this intermittent issue."
4. Tickets for Bill's show would be handed out for free in an attempt to
attract customers away from Netscape's shows.
5. Industry pundits would call Bill's show "innovative" and would ask "Why
doesn't IBM have a stand-up routine? This is exactly why OS/2 is failing in
6. Bill's show would be called "ActiveHumor 98"
7. In a perfect imitation of his Windows 95 OS, Bill wouldn't be able to tell
a joke and walk around at the same time.
8. Audience members would have to sign a License Agreement in which one of the
terms is "I agree never to watch Linus Torvalds' show, 'GNU/Humorux'".
9. All audience members would receive a free CD of Internet Explorer 4.0, with
FakeJava(R) and ActiveHex(tm) technology.
10. Bill Gates would appear on Saturday Night Live, causing ratings to drop
|Windows 95 is the most popular virus on the market today.|
|Market share leadership is a tenuous thing, Mr. Gates: ask IBM ;-)|
-- Laurent Szyster
|Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields|
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
Hear him whip the women, just around midnight
Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?
Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should
Drums beating cold English blood runs hot
Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
House boy knows that he's doing alright
You should a heard him just around midnight.
I bet your mama was tent show queen
And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen
I'm no school boy but I know what I like
You should have heard me just around midnight.
-- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"
|Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,|
Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes?
In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side
Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news.
How can you tell me you're lonely,
And say for you the sun don't shine?
Let me take you by the hand
Lead you through the streets of London
I'll show you something to make you change your mind...
Have you seen the old man outside the sea-man's mission
Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears.
In our winter city the rain cries a little pity
For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care...
|On a morning from a Bogart movie, in a country where they turned back time,|
You go strolling through the crowd like Peter Lorre contemplating a crime.
She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running like a watercolor in the rain.
Don't bother asking for explanations, she'll just tell you that she came
In the Year of the Cat.
She doesn't give you time for questions, as she locks up your arm in hers,
And you follow 'till your sense of which direction completely disappears.
By the blue-tiled walls near the market stall there's a hidden door she
leads you to.
These days, she say, I feel my life just like a river running through
The Year of the Cat.
Well, she looks at you so coolly,
And her eyes shine like the moon in the sea.
She comes in incense and patchouli,
So you take her to find what's waiting inside
The Year of the Cat.
Well, morning comes and you're still with her, but the bus and the tourists
And you've thrown away your choice and lost your ticket, so you have to stay on.
But the drum-beat strains of the night remain in the rhythm of the new-born day.
You know some time you're bound to leave her, but for now you're going to stay
In the Year of the Cat.
-- Al Stewart, "Year of the Cat"
|'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers|
Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son!
All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth
By market's wrath unphased. that falls!
Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun
He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!"
Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought -
Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood
And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed,
Came waffling with the truth too good,
Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed!
The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock?
It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy!
He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!"
He bought him a Mercedes Toy.
'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers
Did gyre and tumble in the Crash
All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers
And mammon's wrath them bash!
-- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky"
|When the leaders speak of peace|
The common folk know
That war is coming
When the leaders curse war
The mobilization order is already written out.
Every day, to earn my daily bread
I go to the market where lies are bought
I take my place among the sellers.
-- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
|innovate /IN no vait/ vb.: 1. To appropriate third-party technology|
through purchase, imitation, or theft and to integrate it into a
de-facto, monopoly-position product. 2. To increase in size or complexity
but not in utility; to reduce compatibility or interoperability. 3. To
lock-out competitors or to lock-in users. 4. To charge more money; to
increase prices or costs. 5. To acquire profits from investments in other
companies but not from direct product or service sales. 6. To stifle or
manipulate a free market; to extend monopoly powers into new markets. 7.
To evade liability for wrong-doings; to get off. 8. To purchase
legislation, legislators, legislatures, or chiefs of state. 9. To
mediate all transactions in a global economy; to embezzle; to co-opt power
(coup d'état). Cf. innovate, English usage (antonym).
-- csbruce, in a Slashdot post
|I think there's a world market for about five computers.|
-- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
|I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20|
years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
There was a computer in every doorknob.
-- Danny Hillis
| In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and|
null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of
IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there
be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they
carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called
the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was
evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
-- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
|Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac|
(and nobody cares about it).
-- Bill Joy 6/21/85
|`Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order|
by staff writers
The SAG is one of the major products developed via the Information
Superhighway, the brain child of Al Gore, US Vice President. The ISHW
is being developed with massive govenment funding, since studies show
that it already has more than four hundred users, three years before
the first prototypes are ready. Asked whether he was worried about the
foreign influence in an expensive American Dream, the vice president
said, ``Finland? Oh, we've already bought them, but we haven't told
anyone yet. They're great at building model airplanes as well. And _I
can spell potato.'' House representatives are not mollified, however,
wanting to see the terms of the deal first, fearing another Alaska.
Rumors about the SAG release have imbalanced the American stock
market for weeks. Several major publishing houses reached an all time
low in the New York Stock Exchange, while publicly competing for the
publishing agreement with Mr. Wirzenius. The negotiations did not work
out, tough. ``Not enough dough,'' says the author, although spokesmen
at both Prentice-Hall and Playboy, Inc., claim the author was incapable
of expressing his wishes in a coherent form during face to face talks,
preferring to communicate via e-mail. ``He kept muttering something
about jiffies and pegs,'' they say.
-- Lars Wirzenius <firstname.lastname@example.org>
| Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL|
character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
"I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
-- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack"
|The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip|
market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and
is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"
-- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
| THE STORY OF CREATION|
THE MYTH OF URK
In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and
darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving
over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be registers;" and
there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the
data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions
they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt
-- Rico Tudor
|Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. |
to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even
though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.
Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have
to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you
either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been
drinking Unix Beer for several years.
BSD stout: Deep, hearty, and an acquired taste. The official
brewer has released the recipe, and a lot of home-brewers now use it.
Hurd beer: Long advertised by the popular and politically active
GNU brewery, so far it has more head than body. The GNU brewery is
mostly known for printing complete brewing instructions on every can,
which contains hops, malt, barley, and yeast ... not yet fermented.
Linux brand: A recipe originally created by a drunken Finn in his
basement, it has since become the home-brew of choice for impecunious
brewers and Unix beer-lovers worldwide, many of whom change the recipe.
POSIX ales: Sweeter than lager, with the kick of a stout; the
newer batches of a lot of beers seem to blend ale and stout or lager.
Solaris brand: A lager, intended to replace Sun brand stout.
Unlike most lagers, this one has to be drunk more slowly than stout.
Sun brand: Long the most popular stout on the Unix market, it was
discontinued in favor of a lager.
SysV lager: Clear and thirst-quenching, but lacking the body of
stout or the sweetness of ale.
|Here I am at the flea market but nobody is buying my urine sample bottles ...|
|One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could|
manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be
installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your
congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how
the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when he
got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would
inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the
plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman
proposed a law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be
designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.")
This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public
would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem
is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500
members of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil,
are already too large to fit on normal aircraft.
-- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
| Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content|
to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola
was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to
-- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
|The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market|
award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal
gesture by the individual to himself.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
|The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start|
with a large fortune.
| Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.|
He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of
Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one
aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and
Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be
made available to the Marines for the extra day.
Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing,
and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases.
It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon
to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
ten degradation accomplished.
Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will
be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding
approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the
administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax.
-- Norman Augustine
It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock,
not selling advice.
Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most
costly action known to man.
A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete
or a new canvas to an artist.
-- Norman Augustine
|Kennedy's Market Theorem:|
Given enough inside information and unlimited credit,
you've got to go broke.
|Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself|
out of the market.
|The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that|
two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated
by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.
-- I.F. Stone
|You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property|
and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods)
and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from
bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent
paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.),
cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services,
gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to
prosecution for perjury and fraud.
-- Excerpt from Taxachussetts income tax forms
|Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.|
-- E.W. Howe
|FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14|
What to do...
if reality disappears?
Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you
can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant.
if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in.
Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your
younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you
expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles
behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask
when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO.
|No. Sell the card to a windows user buy a cheap taiwanese mass market ethernet and spend the rest on the faster CPU. I bet that is more cost effective for|
- Alan Cox not recommending NICs with built-in crypto engines
|To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than a|
million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred
-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
|If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel|
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
-- Marguerite Emmons
|Now I was heading, in my hot cage, down towards meat-market country on the|
tip of the West Village. Here the redbrick warehouses double as carcass
galleries and rat hives, the Manhattan fauna seeking its necessary
level, living or dead. Here too you find the heavy faggot hangouts,
The Spike, the Water Closet, the Mother Load. Nobody knows what goes on
in these places. Only the heavy faggots know. Even Fielding seems somewhat
vague on the question. You get zapped and flogged and dumped on -- by
almost anybody's standards, you have a really terrible time. The average
patron arrives at the Spike in one taxi but needs to go back to his sock
in two. And then the next night he shows up for more. They shackle
themselves to racks, they bask in urinals. Their folks have a lot of
explaining to do, if you want my opinion, particularly the mums. Sorry
to single you ladies out like this but the story must start somewhere.
A craving for hourly murder -- it can't be willed. In the meantime,
Fielding tells me, Mother Nature looks on and taps her foot and clicks
her tongue. Always a champion of monogamy, she is cooking up some fancy
new diseases. She just isn't going to stand for it.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_
No guarantee of accuracy or completeness!
©TU Chemnitz, 2006-2013