|Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English)
||by Linux fortune
|The Unixverse ends on Tue, 19 Jan 2038 03:14:07 +0000|
|If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?|
-- Robert Moses
|Elite Nerds Create Linux Distro From Hell |
HELL, MICHIGAN -- A group of long-time Linux zealots and newbie haters
have thrown together a new Linux distro called Hellix that is so
user-hostile, so anti-newbie, so cryptic, and so old-fashioned that it
actually makes MS-DOS look like a real operating system. Said the founder
of the project, "I'm sick and tired of the Windowsification of the Linux
desktop in a fruitless attempt to make the system more appealing to
newbies, PHBs, and MCSEs. Linux has always been for nerds only, and we
want to make sure it stays that way!"
One of the other Bastard Distributors From Hell explained, "In the last
five years think of all the hacking effort spent on Linux... and for what?
We have nothing to show for it but half-finished Windows-like desktops, vi
dancing paperclips, and graphical front-ends to configuration files. Real
nerds use text files for configuration, darnit, and they like it! It's
time to take a stand against the hordes of newbies that are polluting our
exclusive operating system."
One Anonymous Coward said, "This is so cool... It's just like Unix back in
the good old days of the 70's when men were men and the only intuitive
interface was still the nipple."
|NEW YORK -- Publishers from all across the country met this week at the|
first annual Book Publishers Assocation of America (BPAA) meeting. Many of
the booths on the showroom floor were devoted to the single most important
issue facing the publishing industry: fighting copyright violations. From
"End Reader License Agreements" to age-decaying ink, the anti-copying
market has exploded into a multi-million dollar enterprise.
"How can authors and publishers hope to make ends meet when the country is
rapidly filling with evil libraries that distribute our products for free
to the general public?" asked the chairman of the BPAA during his keynote
address. "That blasted Andrew Carnegie is spending all kinds of his own
ill-gotten money to open libraries in cities nationwide. He calls it
charity. I call it anti-competitive business practices hoping to bankrupt
the entire publishing industry. We must fight these anti-profit,
pro-copying librarians and put an end to this scourge!"
-- from the February 4, 1895 edition of the New York Democrat-Republican
|About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.|
-- Herbert Hoover
|"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to|
get more wax!!"
| Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool|
sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they
have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of Raisinets and
malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon administration. In either
the hardware or housewares department, you'll find an item imported from an
obscure Oriental country and described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of
a little handle with interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental
notions of tools that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off if
you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to direct
-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
|The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends|
without any means.
-- Saul Alinsky
|Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an|
infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one
could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow
somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew
ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is
quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can
lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its
outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable
little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole
for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the
screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom,
is presumably working on it.
|"It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.|
Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top."
- Hunter S. Thompson
|Human society - man in a group - rises out of its lethargy to new levels of|
productivity only under the stimulus of deeply inspiring and commonly
appreciated goals. A lethargic world serves no cause well; a spirited world
working diligently toward earnestly desired goals provides the means and
the strength toward which many ends can be satisfied...to unparalleled
- Dr. Lloyd V. Berkner, in "The History of Manned Space Flight"
|Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.|
-- H. L. Mencken
|Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself.|
-- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
|Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience:|
(1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes
and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.
(2) When you finally buy pretty stationary
to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends
when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends
when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet,
somebody moves the ends.
|It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,|
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
It lies behind starts and under hills,
And empty holes it fills.
It comes first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laughter.
|My pen is at the bottom of a page,|
Which, being finished, here the story ends;
'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
But stories somehow lengthen when begun.
|This is the way the world ends,|
This is the way the world ends,
This is the way the world ends,
Not with a bang but with a whimper.
-- T.S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
|Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends!|
We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside!
There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass,
Be careful as you pass, move along, move along.
Come inside, the show's about to start,
Guaranteed to blow your head apart.
Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth,
Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth!
You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo!
You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll!
-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
|Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to|
spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to
indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest
person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you
are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other
passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they
have plenty of food and water.
-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
|Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.|
"Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
"Well, yes, I am."
"Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
please?" it asked the bartender.
The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
|It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination|
of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...
-- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
|It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.|
Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
|No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it|
all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly
the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these
republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it
ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under
every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best.
-- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816
|The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling the|
whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without affecting
the most important political institutions. ... The new style, gradually
gaining a lodgement, quitely insinuates itself into manners and customs,
and from it ... goes on to attack laws and constitutions, displaying the
utmost impudence, until it ends by overturning everything.
-- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C.
|If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program|
an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that
it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention
will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything
it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff
around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming
carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted
raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know
what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs
properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a
gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network
numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before
you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all
over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he
was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
get my drift.
|Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end.|
|Flourescent lights are generating negative ions. If turning them off doesn't work, take them out and put tin foil on the ends.|
|FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5|
THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER:
This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman
forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family
make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales
of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues
and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives
a glowing performance.
|Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was|
going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then
being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends.
Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with
a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinksi
has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed
has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league.
The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior
Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being
fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five
or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you
asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of
On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies.
Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron
Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to
the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds
out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening
-- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game
|All is well that ends well.|
-- John Heywood
|All's well that ends.|
|The ends justify the means.|
-- after Matthew Prior
|My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you.|
No guarantee of accuracy or completeness!
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