|Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English)
||by Linux fortune
|A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some|
time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One
evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through
the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when
the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too
much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot.
Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business.
The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up
after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled
to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out,
silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could
go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know
the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
|Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb?|
A: A corpse.
This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy,
light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this
and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the
difference between life and death.
You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there
in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport,
fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall,
transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
|I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.|
-- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd
|The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the|
redoubtable John W. Campbell:
The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
being read by a corpse.
| There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped|
three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive,
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids
off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good
pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
solution to the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly
against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor:
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: assume the opposite...
|Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.|
-- James Dean
|The Great Movie Posters:|
HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS!
-- The Cycle Savages (1969)
The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It!
-- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971)
TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS!
-- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill)
They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger!
-- The Corpse Grinders (1971)
No guarantee of accuracy or completeness!
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