|Proverbs, aphorisms, quotations (English)
||by Linux fortune
|Humorix Holiday Gift Idea #8|
Bob's Map to the Homes of the Rich & Geeky
US$29.95 at BobsEcommerceSite.com
Hollywood is full of shady street-side vendors selling "maps to the homes of
the rich and famous" that are actually photocopies of photocopies of
photocopies of an old 1984 Rand McNally map.
But what about the Bay Area? Wouldn't you like to visit the homes and
driveways of the rich and geeky in Silicon Valley? Wouldn't you like to see
Linus Torvalds' residence? Wouldn't you like to drive by the home of
permanent-interim-CEO Steve Jobs? Wouldn't you like to spit on the driveway of
Well, now you can. Bob's Map to the Homes of the Rich & Geeky is a full-color
128 page atlas filled with detailed instructions for finding the homes of
1,024 of the world's most famous geeks. From San Jose, to Seattle, to Austin,
to Boston, Bob's Map is your passport to gawk at the homes of the rich and
|When Computers Crash|
HOLLYWOOD -- The FOX TV Network has announced a new series of "reality
shows" to be aired over the summer. The series, "When Computers Crash",
will consist of five hour-long shows documenting the aftermath of serious
computer crashes, failures, and other problems. This show comes on the
heels of other FOX reality shows such as "World's Funniest Antitrust Trial
Bloopers", "When Stupid TV Network Executives Create Bad Show Ideas", and
"When Lame Fortune Files Poke Fun At FOX Reality Shows"...
To coincide with the series, FOX will sponsor a publicity gimmick called
"Crash & Win!" Contest participants will download a free Windows 9x/NT
program that keeps track of the number of Blue Screens, Illegal
Operations, or other fatal errors that force a reboot. When a crash
occurs, the program will log it in an encrypted database, which will be
periodically uploaded to the "FOX Crash & Win!" server.
Prizes such as a "Deciphering Windows Error Messages for Dummies" book, a
1999 Ford "Gasguzzler" Sport Utility Vehicle, or a lifetime supply of
stress relief medication will be awarded to participants based on the
number of crashes they log.
|"Oops," Says MPAA President |
Recently, the United States filed a legal brief in support of the MPAA's
argument that linking to the DeCSS source code is not protected by the
At the time, the MPAA was ecstatic. But not any longer. The tables have
turned: the Federal government has filed a lawsuit against the movie
industry, arguing that many Hollywood-produced movies 'link' to illegal
content. The MPAA is now desperately wrapping itself up in the Bill of
"Murder is illegal. Showing a murder in a movie -- or, rather, 'linking'
to it -- is also illegal," explained a spokesperson for the Coalition Of
Angry Soccer Moms In Support Of Brow-Beating Movie Industry Executives, an
interest group that has backed the government's lawsuit.
|Mass Exodus From Hollywood |
During the past week, over 150 Hollywood actors, musicians, writers,
directors, and key grips have quit their day jobs and moved to the Midwest
to engage in quieter occupations such as gardening or accounting. All of
the these people cite piracy as the reason for giving up their careers.
"I simply can't sit by and let my hard work be stolen by some snot nosed
punk over the Internet," explained millionaire movie director Steve
Bergospiel. "There's absolutely no incentive to create movies if they're
going to be transmitted at the speed of light by thousands of infringers.
Such criminal acts personally cost me hundreds -- no, thousands -- of
dollars. I can't take that kind of fear and abuse anymore."
MPAA President Pei Pervue considers the exodus to be proof that Hollywood
is waking up to the fact that they are being "held hostage" by copyright
infringers. "Without copyright protection and government-backed monopolies
on intellectual property, these's absolutely no reason to engage in the
creative process. Now the Internet, with its click-and-pirate technology,
makes it easy for anybody to flout the law and become a copyright
terrorist. With the scales tipped so much in favor of criminals, it's no
wonder some of Hollywood's elite have thrown in the towel. What a shame."
|It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood|
Boulevard at one time.
|"Paul Lynde to block..."|
-- a contestant on "Hollywood Squares"
_ / \ o
/ \ | | o o o
| | | | _ o o o o
| \_| | / \ o o o
\__ | | | o o
| | | | ______ ~~~~ _____
| |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__
| ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\
| | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " )
| | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
| | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\
| | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\
// | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\
// ( ) / / \` \__ \\
Every now and then, when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then
drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at
top volume and at least a pint of ether.
-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
|I lay my head on the railroad tracks,|
Waitin' for the double E.
The railroad don't run no more.
Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus]
Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
These young girls won't let me be,
Lord have mercy on me!
Woe is me!
Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
Well, I ain't naming names.
But she really worked me over good,
She was just like Jesse James.
She really worked me over good,
She was a credit to her gender.
She put me through some changes, boy,
Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus]
I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
She asked me if I'd beat her.
She took me back to the Hyatt House,
I don't want to talk about it. [chorus]
-- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"
|What with chromodynamics and electroweak too|
Our Standardized Model should please even you,
Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none
It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun.
Yet your state of the union penultimate large
Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge,
And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll
Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole.
Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back
For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track,
But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude
Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed.
Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more,
You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore,
That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere
Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear
Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta
Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later.
-- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984
|When the leaders speak of peace|
The common folk know
That war is coming
When the leaders curse war
The mobilization order is already written out.
Every day, to earn my daily bread
I go to the market where lies are bought
I take my place among the sellers.
-- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood"
|Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of|
HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached
by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
|On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little|
girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and
Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh,
and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood."
|A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone.|
"Hello?" his friend answers.
"Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?"
"Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay
for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the
studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television
series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit!
I'm doing *great*! How are you?"
"Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves."
|"Hello," he lied.|
-- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
|Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.|
-- Rex Reed
|I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.|
|In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together|
afterwards that causes the problems.
-- Shelley Winters
|In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it.|
-- Rex Reed
|It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and|
they'll come out for it.
-- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul
|The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."|
-- Johnny Carson
|The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.|
-- Dorothy Parker
|While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint|
Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile,
began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless,
lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to
define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what
a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in."
-- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes"
No guarantee of accuracy or completeness!
©TU Chemnitz, 2006-2013